Day Nine

Today I'm incredibly grateful for my marriage.

I had a dream last night where I was single and dating. I found a guy I really liked, and was thinking about what it would be like to be married to him. Then my brain went, "Wait... MARRIED! I'm married to Ben!" But since I was still dreaming, my dream self had to decide if I wanted to stay married to Ben or go marry this other guy.

The thought of leaving the dream guy behind gave me a pang of disappointment, but when I thought of life without Ben, my emotions exploded. It was too horrible to imagine. Even in my dream, where my marriage to Ben was barely a memory, my conscious mind knew what my subconscious was forgetting - that Ben is my heart, my soul, my everything. Cliche, but fact.

People have commented that Ben and I have a great marriage. They're looking in from the outside, so I'm not sure what exactly it is about us that stands out. I look around and see what seem to be happy couples in most relationships. I know that a lot of marriages struggle, but that's not usually visible from the outside. Not until it gets to the breaking point, anyway. So, I don't know what it is about Ben and me that causes people to comment on us.

But they're not wrong.

My marriage is awesome. And I realize how fortunate I am to be able to say that. A lot of people, after almost 8 years of marriage, feel like they're bogged down with their spouse. They might feel their eyes wandering a little, their interest slipping. For some people, the passage of time makes marriage seem monotonous.

Granted, we've only been together for 8 years (married for 7.5), so we still have a long way to go down the road. But Ben doesn't bore me or disinterest me in the slightest. I feel more in love with him than I ever have. It grows stronger every day. And I know he feels the same way about me, because he expresses it in everything that he does.

So I know I'm lucky. My marriage truly is an incredible one. I don't know how people can see that just from watching us, but I guess it's apparent somehow.

Part of the reason our marriage is so good is in part, I think, because we took a marriage prep class during our engagement.

Nerdy, right? But it was incredibly informative, and we still apply things we learned back then. We've also learned a lot on our own over the 8 years we've been together.

I'm sure most of the people reading this have fantastic marriages of their own and already know all these things, but just in case, here's a list of things that I've learned that have made my marriage awesome:

Number one - and this is the most important! - is that nothing kills a marriage as quickly as selfishness does. And, in fact, when you look at any divorce, you'll find that the underlying cause has something to do with someone's selfishness.

When you're married, you should give up your sense of "me" and become a "we." And not only that, but the greater part of that "we" should be your spouse. You should always put your spouse before yourself. And this is not one-sided! Your spouse needs to be doing the exact same thing for you. If both of you are constantly putting the other person before yourself, you'll have a successful marriage.

How do you make it easier to forget yourself and put your spouse first? That leads to number two! Love each other. Duh, right? But it isn't always easy! You have to fight for it!

No matter how much your husband's bad habits may bug you; no matter how much weight your wife puts on during pregnancy; no matter how bad your spouse's breath smells in the morning; let it go! Look past the negative, focus on the positive, and love your spouse!

Every marriage will go through bumps. Nobody is perfect and beautiful all the time. Everybody has imperfections. But if you make an effort to love your spouse (and put them first!), and ignore all their shortcomings, that love will get you through the bumps. It's not easy, but when you look into your loved one's eyes and see that love reflected back on you, it makes it worth it.

Number three - communication! This is one of the things we learned a lot about in our marriage prep class. We learned how to have a disagreement in a constructive way that gets things done. The key is to take turns, not talk over each other, and genuinely listen. If you're really listening, you'll be able to understand where your spouse is coming from, and vice versa. You develop empathy for each other, and it brings you closer together as a couple.

I have to say, Ben is a lot better at it than I am. He naturally has the patience to sit and listen to me yell and complain. That makes it easier for me to give him the same courtesy when I'm done squalling and really listen to him. It takes a lot of patience sometimes, and it can be hard to listen without immediately coming back with responses, but it's incredibly effective. So much so, that Ben and I have never had a serious fight. And we rarely even have small fights. I know that's because of Ben's great communication skills and thoughtfulness more than because of anything I do, but I'm trying to be better at it, too.

Another part of communication is about how you tell your spouse that you love them. A lot of people love each other, but when they try to express that love, the other person might not understand it. People have different love languages.

One person might show love by performing acts of service. A husband might do the dishes for his wife, or wash the car. That might be how he says "I love you." But if her love language is different - let's say, "words of affirmation" - she might think that her husband doesn't love her because he never compliments her. Even though he's trying to show his love!

If you're married and you haven't taken the Love Language Test, I highly recommend that you and your spouse both take it. It will help you learn how to best express your love for your spouse in the way that they'll best understand.

Number four - stay away from people you find attractive! I've heard so many sad stories about broken marriages that started with a seemingly innocent friendship between a married person and their "good friend" of the opposite sex. It is incredibly hard to be just friends with a person that you find attractive. And sometimes attraction can grow, too, just from a normal, platonic friendship. So a good rule of thumb is just to not have any friends of the opposite sex that your spouse isn't friends with, too. And ideally, your spouse should be better friends with them than you are.

Naturally, this ties in with "selfishness," because anyone who is putting their spouse first would never dream of cheating. But Satan finds those moments of weakness in us and he's a master at exploiting them. The best way to stay safe and keep your marriage whole is just to stay away!

I know a lot of people will think that this is very old-fashioned thinking. They might even be afraid to let go of friends for fear of hurting them. Let me state first of all, that Facebook friends are generally okay. If you don't live near each other, talk infrequently, and rarely/never visit, you're probably okay. But if your friend is someone who's around a lot, you might need to say goodbye. That sucks, I know, but you should ask yourself: Who is more important to you? Your friend, or your spouse? If your spouse isn't friends with them, let them go.

Number five - put aside your pride! If your spouse needs something from you, give it to them! Even if you don't feel like it! If they ask you for help, help them! If you're holding onto a grudge, let it go!

And most importantly, don't be afraid to get help if your marriage needs it. Going to counseling isn't an admission that your marriage is weak, it's a declaration that you are willing to fight for it. Put aside your pride and go to counseling if that's what your marriage needs. Don't let those bumps in the road derail your entire relationship. Your marriage is worth fighting for.

Number six - This one is for all of my religious friends out there. You should make your relationship a partnership between you, your spouse, and God. Pray together about important decisions. Go to church together. Read the scriptures together. All of those things will bring you a stronger intimacy with your spouse. And by bringing God into the equation, you're giving yourself some extra protection in your marriage.

Families come from God, and marriage is - at least, in my opinion - a religious institution. God loves marriage, and wants His children to get married. Families are central to His plan. If you and your spouse are keeping God in the loop on every decision, and praying constantly to Him for help in your marriage, you'll be blessed with that extra help. If you're doing all that you can to keep your marriage thriving, God will step in and do the rest.

My marriage brings me more joy than anything else in this life ever has. Part of that joy comes from knowing that God has made is possible for me to be married to my husband for eternity. This mortal life just isn't long enough. Ben is mine forever, and I'm so grateful for that. I'm also grateful that I have a husband who loves and worships the Lord just as I do. Our marriage is stronger because of it.

I love Ben. He's literally the very best thing that has ever happened to me. Every day I'm amazed that God blessed me with this incredible man. I feel so unworthy of him. But when I look in his eyes, I can see that he feels exactly the same way about me.

Our marriage isn't perfect, but it is wonderful. It's the best thing in my life. Ben isn't just my husband, he is a huge part of my very self. There is no "me" anymore. For the rest of eternity, there is only "we."

And I wouldn't have it any other way.