If I Tell You I Love You, Can I Keep You Forever?

I had a dream last night that I was with Ben. He was home. It was wonderful.

But there was this sense of dread, like he was shortly going to be leaving again. In my dream, I knew he couldn't stay. The Air Force was sending him away again. Only this time, he wouldn't be coming back. He was going to die.

He knew it. I knew it. So we just spent as much time together as we could while we waited for the end to come.

It was awful. I swear, I have the most gut-wrenching dreams when it comes to Ben.

I think it's because his job takes him away a lot. Even when we're reunited, it's just resetting the clock so we can begin the countdown to another separation.

We're pretty good about enjoying our time together and not dwelling on when he'll have to go away again. But apparently my subconscious likes to focus on the negative.

Stupid subconscious.

And, of course, there's always the concern that he won't come home. As a pilot, he's never been in the thick of battle. He's generally safe. It's really hard to bring down a C-130. And they always live on bases that are very secure - often even in a different, peaceful country.

But things happen. Car accidents, illnesses, brain aneurysms. And, as I've mentioned, my subconscious hates me. So it torments me in my dreams.

The plus side of this is that when I wake up from the kind of dream I had last night, I feel happy. He may be on the other side of the world right now, and I may miss him like crazy, but he's alive and well and (more than likely) coming home eventually.

Take that, subconscious!

I've never loved anyone the way I love my husband.

Before meeting Ben, I never really understood the phrase "better half." I figured it was just a cute way for married couples to refer to each other. I mean, I knew what love was. I loved my parents, my siblings, my friends. I even had a boyfriend or two that inspired thoughts of love. But I didn't think the "better half" thing was literal. I figured people were just being cheesy.

But it's a real, literal thing. When I say "literal," I don't mean that his body is actually the other half of my body. That would be freaky and gross. But I do mean that he completes me. His soul and my soul are completely intertwined. You can't really tell where one begins and the other ends.

And now I'm getting cheesy. But it's true. It's a love like nothing I had ever before experienced in my life.

I think that's why it's so hard to be away from him. There's a gaping hole in my heart, a piece of me that goes with him when he leaves. I can feel it like a dull ache in my chest.

You get used to it after a while. But it's always there. It never really goes away.

The best thing about Ben is that, no matter what happens, I get to keep him forever.

That was the quote we put on our wedding invitations: "If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?" It's from a movie that Ben loves and I think is stupid, but the quote pretty much says what we mean.

Because we were married in the temple, we're sealed together for eternity. No "til death do us part!" Our marriage is stronger than the bonds of death. Because we were married in God's house by someone with priesthood authority (direct from God!), when we were sealed together as man and wife here on earth, we were also sealed together in heaven.

It's a doctrinal thing, that might be confusing to those who don't understand our faith. But it's a gift that's available to anyone who wants it. Feel free to ask if you want to know more.

For me, true love means that having a lifetime together isn't enough. This life is so brief. If we really love someone, that love can and should last forever. It doesn't make sense to me that we would entwine our souls so deeply with that of another person, and then BOOM! it's over when one of us dies, like it never existed in the first place.

That's just the saddest idea I've ever heard.

Our love for someone doesn't end when they die. So why should our connection to them end? Why would a loving God design things that way?

He wouldn't. He didn't. He wants us to be with our families forever. We are His family, and He wants to be with us. So why wouldn't He want us to be with our own family units as well?

Anyway, my point is, it gives me some peace of mind to send Ben off to war when I know that we'll be together forever. No matter what happens to us in this life, if we live righteously, we can and will be together in the next. The day will come when we will never have to say goodbye again.

So while I miss him terribly when he's gone, I can take comfort knowing that he will always come back to me.

He loves me. He adores me. He thinks I'm the most perfect woman ever to walk the face of the earth.

That's crazy, of course. But that's love.

My husband is the greatest man I know. Not "great" in the sense of being strong, powerful, mighty, or anything like that. "Great" as in absolute best.

There are the obvious traits, of course, that make him wonderful. He's handsome, smart, talented, loving, strong, witty, charming. Those are the kinds of things that most women look for in a husband.

But more important than that are the quieter traits. The ones that aren't so obvious. The ones that you really notice the more you get to know him.

He's patient. No matter how emotional or neurotic I'm being, he's calm. He never loses his temper or lashes out at me.

He listens. He's very thoughtful about it, too. You can tell he's really trying to understand your point of view when you talk to him. He really wants to know what it is you're trying to express.

Going along with that, he thinks before he talks. He almost never spits out a response without thinking. He's very deliberate. This allows him to express himself more clearly, and prevents him from sticking his foot in his mouth or saying something he doesn't mean. Usually. ;)

He's gentle, both physically and temperamentally. He doesn't try to intimidate anyone physically. He doesn't raise a hand to me or Evie, ever, or even get mad and punch a pillow. But he's very affectionate. He's constantly reaching out to me, holding my hand, touching my back, finding little ways to be in contact with me as much as possible.

He's a wonderful father. He's patient with Evie, and treats her with respect and love. He plays with her, and teaches her little life lessons whenever the opportunity arises. Evie adores him. When he's gone, she misses him almost as much as I do. He also sets an example for her of what a husband and father should be. He treats me like a queen, and isn't afraid to let Evie know how much he loves me. He never says anything bad about me to her, or to anyone else. He's teaching her what kind of man she should look for in a husband when she grows up, purely through his example.

He loves God. He's a worthy priesthood holder. He gives us blessings when we need them. He leads our family in prayer and scripture study. He bears his testimony in dozens of different ways every day. He tries to live a righteous life.

He's always willing to help me out. With anything. If I need help with cooking dinner, taking out the trash, taking the car for an oil change, emptying the dishwasher, bathing the dog, anything, all I have to do is ask him. He'll get up, without hesitation, and do it. He never complains about it or rolls his eyes. He feels that part of his job as a father and husband is to help me with whatever I might need. I take care of most of it, but when I'm feeling tired or overwhelmed or I have my hands full, he's always ready to step in.

He's passionate about me. Ben is not a guy who gets very excited about things. He never shouts for joy, or yells at the TV, or does a happy dance. He rarely even laughs out loud. When I told him we were pregnant with Evie, after 9 months of trying, he just smiled. He's very understated, and moderately introverted.

But when it comes to me, he's expressive. He's complimentary. He's loving, and affectionate, and silly. He tells me things he doesn't share with anyone else. I see his pain, his hopes, his joys, his fears, his soul. He's a completely different person when he's with me. And when he looks at me, I see in his eyes that his heart is mine, forever. He literally doesn't even notice other women. I've observed him, and he's honestly oblivious to all women who aren't me. He has been more real, more himself with me than with anyone else in the world.

I have no idea what I did to deserve such a man. I'm pretty sure that God was trying to show me that He blesses us way beyond what we deserve when He put Ben (and Evie!) in my life.

So no matter how many sad dreams, anxieties or military deployments I face, I can't complain. I am so incredibly blessed. Ben is my heart, my soul, my better half.

And literally the man of my dreams. ;)