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I'm not entirely sure what this blog is going to be about. All I know is, I feel like I should be writing. Maybe I'm keeping too many things bottled up. Maybe I haven't been talking to enough adults recently, and feel the need to really SAY something. Maybe I'm just bored. Who can tell, really?

My big thing recently is, once again, the pregnancy issue. After everything that went down last year, with the blessing and imaginary pregnancy and all, I figured I'd be pregnant for real pretty quickly. But once again, I'm not pregnant. If I were to get pregnant this month, Evie and the next baby would be almost exactly 4 years apart. That's too much! It's too much! And chances are, it will be another year before I actually get pregnant (if I even get pregnant then), and the age gap will be even bigger. I'm really unhappy about it.

Maybe I should just forget about having more kids, and be content with one. Lots of people just have one kid, right? Granted, I don't like the idea of moving all over the place with just one kid. I grew up moving a lot, and had to depend on my siblings most of the time for friendship. It's hard to make and keep friends when you're moving every couple of years. Evie is likely to be a really lonely kid if she's an only child. But Ben's career is already in motion, we can't do anything about the moving around at this point.

We could adopt. I've always wanted to adopt. But we can't afford it, and it's likely to be years before we can. By then, Evie will be even older. It will be hard for her to develop a friendship with a sibling who's 6 or 7 years younger than her. And I know people are joking when they talk about how they gave birth to the "babysitter" first, then had their "family" (when there's a big gap in the ages of the oldest child and the next), but I hate that kind of joke. Evie is my child, and I want her to have siblings, friends, peers, not responsibilities. Yes, she'll have responsibilities, but that's not the main thing that she would be getting with younger brothers and sisters. Siblings are a blessing. They have the same parents you do, the same genes, similar experiences, the same family traditions, etc. There's a bond there that you can't get anywhere else. I want Evie to have that!!! If the age gap is too big, that bond might be harder to grasp and appreciate. Maybe I'm crazy, but that's the way I see things.

I'm so sick of everyone I know on Facebook talking about their pregnancies constantly, posting pictures of baby clothes, car seats, and ultrasounds. Yes, I get it, you're happy. That's great. But I don't like to have constant reminders that everyone else I know is fertile and I'm not. It's gotten to the point where, every time someone announces their pregnancy, I block them from my news feed. Not everyone, my good friends don't get blocked, but half the people I'm "friends" with on Facebook are nothing more than acquaintances. It's a lot easier to be jealous of their good fortune and be angry with them, because I don't really care about them, personally, all that much. Don't get me wrong! I don't wish them any ill will. I hope they have safe pregnancies and healthy babies. I just don't want to hear about it. The people I really love though, my close friends, I'm genuinely happy for. Sometimes I'm jealous, but I'm mostly happy. But the sheer number of pregnant women surrounding me at home, in church, and online is ridiculous! I feel like I have to take it out on somebody, so I take it out on my pregnant Facebook acquaintances. They don't know about it, they have no idea that I'm blocking them. I've never come out and told any of them "you suck," even when that's the first response in my mind. I'd never trample on their happiness that way. Maybe I'm a hypocrite, secretly being angry at the pregnant women's good fortune while pretending to be happy for them, but I can't help it. Honestly, I don't hate them. The anger is more at my own situation than at them, and it only lasts for a few minutes. I get over it quickly. But it definitely depresses me to see baby talk all over Facebook, so I block them. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. But they'd definitely think I was a bad person if I didn't block them, because eventually I would snap and say something I'd regret. Like my friends who had hard pregnancies this past year, and complained about it constantly. I wanted to smack them in the face. I would have done just about anything to trade places with them. They had no idea how lucky they were to be having those babies. They just complained about how uncomfortable it was. If I hadn't blocked them, I probably would have chewed them out competely.

I know! I know! I'm an awful person. It just hurts. It sucks. I love my daughter, but I'm aching for more children. All I've ever wanted in my life is to be a wife and a mom. I want to be surrounded by children when I'm old. I want to have years of Christmases with a flock of my own kids around me. I want to be constantly planning for birthdays, buying new shoes, and taking kids to after-school activities. My family is not complete yet. I know it's not. But for some reason, I can't seem to have any more children. It's been two and a half years since we started trying again. I know, some people try a lot longer than that. I shouldn't be losing hope yet. But it feels like it's been forever. And every month that passes is another month older that Evie gets, another month in the age difference between her and (fingers crossed) the next one. Will my kids be able to be friends?

I know, I'm a drama queen. Whatever. All the rest of my friends have oldest children that are younger than mine, and are already on #2 or 3. Evie's one of the oldest of her friends. And she's the only one even close to her age who doesn't have a sibling on the way. She prays every night to be a big sister soon. She keeps asking me when the baby is coming. It's killing me. It's breaking my heart. And there's nothing I can do to change it.

I'm done complaining now. Honestly, most of the time I'm fine. I don't stress out about it that much. I know stressing out about it just makes it that much harder to get pregnant, anyway. I'm exercising regularly, trying to slim down - living under the assumption that I'm not going to get pregnant. I've got a big formal party coming up next month, and a cruise a couple of months after that. I'm living life, I'm making plans, I'm doing my best. But with every new pregnancy announced, it feels like another knife is being stabbed into my heart. It makes it a little harder for me to deal. But I'm doing my best, and my best is really okay. It's just every once in a while, on a day like today, that I can't handle it. I get angry. I feel hurt. I wonder what's so wrong with me, that God hasn't blessed me with any more children? Everyone else seems to be getting those blessings, what did I do wrong? But I know that I'm being foolish. Everyone has trials, everyone has problems. This is mine.

I'll shut up and deal with it. I'm not quite ready to count my blessings and rejoice in all of my good luck just yet, but I will eventually. Check back tomorrow, I'll probably be fine by then.