Marvin sighed as he trudged forlornly through the forest. He'd been to twenty-three enchanted castles, and had yet to find some gullible sap willing to take Clarence off his hands.
He didn't understand why things weren't going better. Marvin had thought out this plan extremely well. He was wearing his best shirt, his most flattering boots, and his "trust me" smile. Aside from all that, he also had a foolproof sales pitch. Or so he'd thought.
It went a little something like this:
"Greetings, my good sir or madam! I see that you are living in an enchanted castle. Does your master happen to be a beast, monster, politician, or other such unpleasant kind of being, living under a curse? No doubt you've noticed that he's not the only one in town, either! With all the kings and princes in need of a good spell-breaking these days, fair maidens are in high demand! I'd wager you sometimes think that there just aren't enough girls to go around. Well, I am here to solve all those pesky curse-cracking problems!
"How do I plan to do that, you might ask? I'll tell you! I happen to be the lucky father of three beautiful girls. The oldest is at a point in her life where she's ready for her own adventure, something which I fully support. I'd be more than happy to give you this daughter! All you need to do is allow me to steal away a rose, apple, magic acorn, or forest animal of some sort - preferably one that your master holds dear. Then, to appease his outrage, I will offer my daughter in exchange. She and your master will then be free to fall in love and break the curse. Barring that, he's also welcome to eat her.
"But you must act quickly! This is a limited-time offer! Act now, and I'll throw in this lovely set of ginseng knives for absolutely FREE!"
Marvin would then proceed to smile his best "trust me" smile, and inquire when he should bring Clarence over. But the answer was always the same - "we're not interested," or "we already have a princess," or "the master actually prefers life as a newt."
Marvin scowled. He was running out of castles to solicit. What if he couldn't find someone to take Clarence...? No! The idea was unbearable. He would find someone to take her. He must!
Sighing, Marvin continued his trek through the woods. According to his GPS, there should be another castle coming up on the right. Maybe he'd finally get lucky.
**********
Okay, thought Marvin. Here goes nothing...
He knocked on the huge iron gate. The sound echoed through the courtyard. He listened and watched intently as the sound was carried to the castle in the distance. Was the door opening? Was that a servant coming towards him? Or was it just a lifelike statue?
Marvin squinted. It was definitely a servant, but he wasn't moving much faster than a statue would. Marvin decided to sit down while he waited. It looked like this could take a while.
As he rested, he examined the gate in front of him. It was beautiful, with graceful lines and delicate pictures etched on it. Looking closer, Marvin saw that they were all of underwater scenes. Fish, squid, whales - there wasn't a picture on the entire gate that didn't include one sort of sea creature or another.
Marvin decided that whoever lived in this castle must have an unhealthy obsession with fish. But he didn't mind. They could be obsessed with wrestling midgets for all he cared, as long as they took Clarence off his hands.
The servant was getting closer. Marvin could see now that it was a wizened old man coming toward him. That explains why he's moving so slowly, Marvin thought as he watched the old man totter closer.
The man had so many wrinkles, he put raisins to shame. He had a long, pointed nose, on the end of which rested a pair of battered spectacles. He didn't appear to have any teeth, but also didn't appear to mind this, as he seemed to really enjoy smacking his gums together loudly. In fact, Marvin could hear him more clearly than he could see him. At his distance the servant looked a little bit like a dandelion, too, thanks to his thin frame and his full white hair that stood up in a fluffy halo around his head.
Finally the servant reached the gate. He paused, leaning heavily on the iron and wheezing loudly.
"Just... one minute... catch... breath..." he gasped.
"Of course, of course!" Marvin replied, eyeing the old man closely. The servant seemed like a nice enough man, but Marvin didn't relish the idea of performing mouth to mouth on those toothless gums.
After a moment, the servant straightened up. "Right-o" he said, his blue eyes piercing Marvin's brown ones. "What do you want?"
"Yes!" Marvin said. "Right! Well..." and he launched into his rehearsed speech.
By the time he had finished, the old man was looking thoughtful. "Well," said the servant, "He's not a beast, exactly..."
"That's okay! That's okay! I'm not that picky!" Marvin was so excited he was almost shouting.
The servant squinted at Marvin. "What was it that you said you wanted in return for this daughter of yours?"
"Just a -" Marvin began, but then the gears in his head (the greedy ones) began to turn. "- a sack of gold. After all, my daughter is quite beautiful. Can't just part with her for nothing, not with her being my favorite child and all." He widened his smile, trying to look trustworthy and convincing.
The servant began to shake his wizened head. "Don't have any sacks of gold."
Marvin's smile faltered. "Okay... I'd be willing to accept gold bricks."
"Don't have none of those, neither."
Marvin was beginning to get desperate. "How about gold jewelry? Gold plates? Gold teeth?"
The old man's head was still shaking vigorously. "None of that. In fact, I don't think we have any gold in the castle."
Sadly, Marvin nodded. Back to vegetation and woodland creatures, then.
"Wait..." the servant paused. "We do have a gold-"
"Yes yes yes!" Marvin shouted. "That'll do fine! It's a deal!"
The servant looked startled at this reaction, but nodded. "All right. I'll just go fetch it then, shall I? Be back in a jiff!"
Marvin watched as the ancient servant began making his way back to the castle. His mind was filled with visions of gleaming, gorgeous gold. Maybe the servant was fetching a golden crown! Or a golden bowl! Or a pair of fabulous golden cowboy boots!
He was still daydreaming when the servant returned an hour later. The servant smacked his gums loudly, startling Marvin out of his reverie. Marvin sprang to his feet.
The servant was holding something behind his back. Marvin craned his head, unsuccessfully trying to sneak a peek.
"Pick a hand!" said the servant gleefully.
"Left" Marvin guessed.
It was glittery. It was sparkly. It was golden. It was...
...a goldfish.
Marvin smiled weakly. "Thanks" he gulped.
**********
He heard the commotion long before he saw the house.
Weary from his long journey, Marvin had filled his mind with thoughts of a long, peaceful rest by the fire in his favorite chair at home. Honey would rub his feet, while Cherry made him a cup of hot cocoa. If he was lucky, Clarence would be out tormenting the neighbors.
Clearly, he would not be so fortunate.
He burst angrily through the front door of the house. "WHAT," he yelled, "IS GOING ON HERE?!"
The occupants of the house froze in shock. Honey was in the corner, hiding behind Marvin's favorite chair and staring at him, wide-eyed. Her eyes were all red, and she looked like she'd been crying. Pieces of destroyed furniture littered the floor all around her, like they had been flung in her direction.
Cherry had frozen with her right arm raised, wielding a frying pan that looked like it was aimed at Clarence's head. She, too, was staring open-mouthed at her father. Guiltily, she slowly lowered the pan and hid it behind her back.
Clarence was clutching a broken table leg. Her head was bent at a strange angle, and Marvin realized that the family dog, Marvin Jr., was tangled in her long hair. The dog whimpered feebly, unable to escape the raven locks.
They all stood there in shock, staring at one another, until Clarence broke the silence. "Well?" she asked, straightening up haughtily. "What do you want?"
Marvin's anger was suddenly mingled with bewilderment. "What do you mean, what do I want? I live here! I've been gone for weeks! I finally come home, and I'm greeted with this! My house is destroyed, my youngest child is in tears, the two older ones are going at each other like they're on American Gladiators, and my dog appears to be strangling to death in your hair! What I want is an EXPLANATION!"
Honey and Cherry began talking very quickly, and at the same time.
"Marvin Jr. was chasing squirrels - "
"My cornbread was cooking over the fire - "
"- she kicked him - "
"- it was ruined - "
"- broke the table - "
"- just a small fire, I put it out - "
"- tried to run away - "
"- she started throwing things - "
" - caught in her hair - "
"- I grabbed the frying pan - "
"- she threw the vase - "
" - trying to protect Honey - "
" - she broke off a leg of the table - "
"STOP!" Marvin roared. "I! HAVE! HAD! ENOUGH!!!!"
He stomped over to Clarence. "You," he hissed, pointing a finger in her face. "You're done."
Clarence laughed and tossed her head, sending Marvin Jr. flying into a wall. "I'm not afraid of you, old man. What are you going to do to me?"
Calmly, Marvin told her. "I've sold you to a beast. Sort of. Not really a beast. But something. Enchanted. A prince, I assume." He shook his head, trying to organize his thoughts. "At any rate, you're not staying here any more. They're expecting you at the castle by the end of the week."
Narrowing her eyes, Clarence asked, "Why should I leave? This is my house. I'm comfortable here. Everyone in town is scared of me, and that's just how I like it. If I go off to this castle, I'll have to start all over again, making sure people do whatever I ask. That's what a good, healthy fear does, you know. It makes people respect you."
Marvin rolled his eyes. "No one respects you, Clarence. Fear and respect are not the same thing. Anyway, you're going to a castle. To be a princess. Everyone will wait on you hand and foot, whether they're scared of you or not."
"That's true..." Clarence tapped a finger on her full lips thoughtfully. "Is he rich?"
"Uh..." Marvin guiltily hid the goldfish behind his back. "...sure!"
Clarence rolled her eyes and sighed. "I suppose I may as well go, then. Better than hanging out here with you losers."
"Yeah, that will be better." Cherry muttered to Honey, over in the corner. "If we're lucky, he'll eat her."
Honey smiled slightly. "That would be nice."
"It's settled then." Marvin sighed wearily, and went to sink into his favorite chair.
"When are we leaving?" asked Clarence.
The chair collapsed underneath Marvin, battered and weakened from the girls' fight. He gritted his teeth and stood up, brushing the debris off of his clothes.
"We're leaving as soon as possible," he muttered.
Weary from his long journey, Marvin had filled his mind with thoughts of a long, peaceful rest by the fire in his favorite chair at home. Honey would rub his feet, while Cherry made him a cup of hot cocoa. If he was lucky, Clarence would be out tormenting the neighbors.
Clearly, he would not be so fortunate.
He burst angrily through the front door of the house. "WHAT," he yelled, "IS GOING ON HERE?!"
The occupants of the house froze in shock. Honey was in the corner, hiding behind Marvin's favorite chair and staring at him, wide-eyed. Her eyes were all red, and she looked like she'd been crying. Pieces of destroyed furniture littered the floor all around her, like they had been flung in her direction.
Cherry had frozen with her right arm raised, wielding a frying pan that looked like it was aimed at Clarence's head. She, too, was staring open-mouthed at her father. Guiltily, she slowly lowered the pan and hid it behind her back.
Clarence was clutching a broken table leg. Her head was bent at a strange angle, and Marvin realized that the family dog, Marvin Jr., was tangled in her long hair. The dog whimpered feebly, unable to escape the raven locks.
They all stood there in shock, staring at one another, until Clarence broke the silence. "Well?" she asked, straightening up haughtily. "What do you want?"
Marvin's anger was suddenly mingled with bewilderment. "What do you mean, what do I want? I live here! I've been gone for weeks! I finally come home, and I'm greeted with this! My house is destroyed, my youngest child is in tears, the two older ones are going at each other like they're on American Gladiators, and my dog appears to be strangling to death in your hair! What I want is an EXPLANATION!"
Honey and Cherry began talking very quickly, and at the same time.
"Marvin Jr. was chasing squirrels - "
"My cornbread was cooking over the fire - "
"- she kicked him - "
"- it was ruined - "
"- broke the table - "
"- just a small fire, I put it out - "
"- tried to run away - "
"- she started throwing things - "
" - caught in her hair - "
"- I grabbed the frying pan - "
"- she threw the vase - "
" - trying to protect Honey - "
" - she broke off a leg of the table - "
"STOP!" Marvin roared. "I! HAVE! HAD! ENOUGH!!!!"
He stomped over to Clarence. "You," he hissed, pointing a finger in her face. "You're done."
Clarence laughed and tossed her head, sending Marvin Jr. flying into a wall. "I'm not afraid of you, old man. What are you going to do to me?"
Calmly, Marvin told her. "I've sold you to a beast. Sort of. Not really a beast. But something. Enchanted. A prince, I assume." He shook his head, trying to organize his thoughts. "At any rate, you're not staying here any more. They're expecting you at the castle by the end of the week."
Narrowing her eyes, Clarence asked, "Why should I leave? This is my house. I'm comfortable here. Everyone in town is scared of me, and that's just how I like it. If I go off to this castle, I'll have to start all over again, making sure people do whatever I ask. That's what a good, healthy fear does, you know. It makes people respect you."
Marvin rolled his eyes. "No one respects you, Clarence. Fear and respect are not the same thing. Anyway, you're going to a castle. To be a princess. Everyone will wait on you hand and foot, whether they're scared of you or not."
"That's true..." Clarence tapped a finger on her full lips thoughtfully. "Is he rich?"
"Uh..." Marvin guiltily hid the goldfish behind his back. "...sure!"
Clarence rolled her eyes and sighed. "I suppose I may as well go, then. Better than hanging out here with you losers."
"Yeah, that will be better." Cherry muttered to Honey, over in the corner. "If we're lucky, he'll eat her."
Honey smiled slightly. "That would be nice."
"It's settled then." Marvin sighed wearily, and went to sink into his favorite chair.
"When are we leaving?" asked Clarence.
The chair collapsed underneath Marvin, battered and weakened from the girls' fight. He gritted his teeth and stood up, brushing the debris off of his clothes.
"We're leaving as soon as possible," he muttered.
1 comment:
Ah...the second installment. Was that my birthday present?? I loved it! Waiting anxiously for more :)
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