Moms Need Mars Needs Moms

One of the best books in the entire cosmos is "Mars Needs Moms" by Berkley Breathed. He's the guy who does the Bloom County comics, and his illustrations in this book are works of art. The story itself is beautiful as well, but the art adds a dimension to the story that quadruples its effectiveness. Not to mention that there are little details that make the pictures hilarious and charming and beautiful, all at the same time.

If you haven't read this book, you should. Anyone who has a mother will be moved by the story, and anyone who IS a mother will not be able to finish it without bawling like a baby. Well, some might, but if so they must be aliens and not have normal human emotions.

I've actually owned this book a couple of times, but whenever I go to a baby shower I can't help but make this book part of my gift. There have been a couple of times where I couldn't find a copy in time, so I've given my own copy away. Today we bought it again, because I honestly HAVE to own this book. I've decided that I refuse to give my copy away again. I'm too scared that I won't be able to find it again if I do.

Ben was reading it to Evie in the car while I drove. I've heard it before, so I wasn't paying a ton of attention, but it was near the end and I glanced over and looked at the picture. He had just turned the page and hadn't resumed reading yet. I didn't hear any words, just saw the illustration. And I started crying.

Seriously, folks! This is a powerful book. Powerful, but funny at the same time. And it's totally something that anyone who's ever been a child can relate to. And as I said before, anyone who's a mother will see the fact behind this work of fiction as well, and will more than likely be moved to tears.

I'm blogging about this book because I feel that every household in the world should own a copy of this book. I doubt that day will come, but if it does, it will be a happy day indeed. :)

Whining - DONE

So after that blog I wrote yesterday, my mood just kept on spiraling downward. I woke up this morning feeling completely dejected. I had thoughts about doing something awful, just for the attention I would get from my loved ones. I would never actually do anything, of course, but I was at a low enough point that I was mildly considering it.

Around noon, when Evie was napping, Ben finally asked me what was up. I started bawling all over his clean shirt, but he was very understanding and just let me do it. I poured out everything I was feeling, about not making friends here, about my old friends not calling or emailing me ever, and even about how upset I was that my dad was the only one to call me for Christmas. The rest of the family was there, but he was the only one who talked to me. Not even my mom talked to me, and feeling the way I was I really could have used my mom's love. Aside from Christmas, my best efforts to get communication going with my family weren't going well, either. I rarely receive emails from any of them lately. So Christmas was kind of an extra blow.

Anyway, after crying my eyes out, I did feel better for awhile. I think it helps sometimes just to get it all out. I was able to get back to (more or less) normal, and ignore the hurt I was feeling.

Then, a couple of hours later, my dear friend Heather called me. She said hello, and Merry Christmas, and then asked how I was doing. When I told her fine, she said "Oh, are you sure? I just got the feeling like I should call you..." Of course, I burst into tears again, not sad ones, but the kind that you get when you're feeling bad and someone shows compassion. I told her all about it, and she was incredibly loving and understanding. Of course, she always is. She's amazing like that. We had a good talk, and I hung up feeling happy again. It's good to be reminded that someone cares about you.

Then, in the evening, my aunt Kathi called me as well. She was sitting in a parking lot, waiting to pick up my uncle Cody, and decided she should call me while she waited. I couldn't believe it. I rarely get ANY calls in a day, much less TWO calls from sympathetic friends and loved ones who care about me and just want to see how I'm doing. She asked me about Christmas, and we chatted about that, and then I told her about my frustrations as well. She's been in similar situations, and was able to not only lend a good ear, but give advice on how to change things for the better. Then I found out that my mother had called her for Christmas. My mom called her sister, which I don't blame her for (I called my sister, too), but she didn't call her daughter. In fact, after talking to my sister, I know she didn't call EITHER of her daughters. What the heck! Anyway, Kathi was really understanding about that, too.

I'm so grateful that I have people that care about me, who are willing to listen to the Spirit and follow through on it. The Spirit whispered that they should call me, and they did. And they totally brightened my mood. My whole day was improved, thanks to them. And they've helped me gain perspective and learn patience for my troubles. I know that I'll be okay, because even if I don't hear from my family and friends as often as I would really like to, I have the reassurance that there are people out there who love me. They don't just love me, even, they LIKE me too. Those don't always go together, you know.

I feel very blessed to have the friends and family that I do. You couldn't find anyone better in the world. I just hope I can be as good a friend to them as they've been to me.

One is the Loneliest Number

Loneliness sucks. My husband is my best friend, and he's wonderful, but he's a guy. I can't talk to him in the same way or about the same things that I do with my girl friends. I have Evie, and she's a girl, but with her only being 2 years old it's hard to have a good conversation with her.

Back when we were posted at Hill, I had two best girlfriends that were amazing. We did all sorts of stuff together. One of them lived just a few buildings down from us in our apartment complex, and rarely a day went by when we didn't talk or get together. When we said goodbye last month (she on her way to Florida, me on my way to Oklahoma), we agreed to keep in touch. We both recognized that literal distance between people can cause emotional distance as well, but we wanted to do our best to remain great friends.

I didn't expect the friendship to evaporate so quickly.

Since we moved here almost a month ago, I've received maybe 2 or 3 emails from her, and one phone call. From my other friend, who also moved to Florida, I've received a couple of emails as well, but no phone calls. I imagine it's not so hard for them to have moved, because they still have each other. I'm the one who got left out.

I've been trying to make friends here, but the girls are pretty set in their friendships already. They invited me to lunch once, and sometimes I say hi to one of them at the gym, but beyond that I haven't felt too included. At church, I sit by myself. I get to Relief Society pretty early, so I try to sit somewhere desirable, so people will sit next to me. Last sunday, the closest person to me was two seats away, on my right. On my left, the closest person was three seats away (I'm talking empty seats, not one empty seat and then a person. The closest person came after two empty seats). I was the only one sitting so completely alone. Let me tell you, it felt great.

I've tried to be active with the Church and the women here. I've accepted whatever invitations have come my way. I've talked to people I meet at the gym. I joined the ward choir. I've been social. But no one seems too interested in getting to know me.

There is another couple from Hill AFB that has moved here, that we know. The wife and I get along fine, but we've never been really close. I was hoping that when they moved here, she and I would get to know each other better. But as it turns out, she already has friends here - people from BYU ROTC that I didn't know (they were a class ahead of Ben). These are people from church, who haven't even talked to me, but are good friends with the couple we know. So there's no real motivation for her to get to know me better. She's not lonely like I am.

I can't remember the last time I felt so isolated. It's like people are making a mild effort to talk to me, so they can feel like they've done their good deed for the day or something, but they're not really putting their hearts into it. I'm trying my hardest. I'm as friendly and smiley as I can be, but no one cares about actually getting to know me. Despite my efforts to stand out and be noticed, I must not be too memorable.

It sucks, because I really am trying. I don't know what else I could possibly do.

The worst thing is the feeling that I've been abandoned by my two best friends, the ones in Florida. They're not lonely, because they have each other. I don't think they understand what I'm going through, or how I'm feeling. I've been emailing them regularly, but I rarely hear back from them. They don't need me like I still need them. And I can't help but wonder if we were ever really that close, if they can forget about me so easily now.

All I can say is, thank goodness I still have Ben. If I was doing this completely alone, I probably would have given up by now and moved back home with my parents. I'm a person who needs other people. I like to be helpful, to feel needed. I enjoy getting to know other people. I need to be liked, not by everyone, but at least by someone. I guess Ben is that "someone" here. I love him more than I've ever loved anybody, but it's not the same as having a girl friend.

Women need other women. Without them, it's very easy to feel loneliness and despair.

I wish I knew what to do about it.

The Other Side

It being Christmas Eve today, and the first one that my little family has had with just the three of us, things have been a little crazy around here. Evie's finally old enough to start understanding and participating in all the holiday stuff, so I've been trying really hard to make it special for her.

I never understood before how much hard work goes into making these holiday memories. Growing up, it was all blissful anticipation. We woke up on Christmas Eve, watched holiday specials, sang carols, and waited for the evening's festivities to begin. When dinnertime finally came around, we would gather at the table. We would open a new ornament (one for each of us) before eating, and put them on the Christmas tree. Then we'd eat ham, cheesy potatoes, bread, and a veggie of some kind (lately, green bean casserole). Cheesecake was dessert. After dinner, we'd sing carols together. Then we'd read the nativity story from the Bible. When that was over, we'd open one gift each (pajamas) and go change. We'd come back and set our stockings out in the living room so all of our things would be separated. Then we'd rush off to bed, eager for Christmas morning. I was an active participant in all of this, and I enjoyed every moment of it fully, but I think I took it all for granted. In the magic of the holiday, it never occurred to me how hard my mom and dad must be working behind the scenes to make everything perfect for the family.

Now it's my turn, and I finally understand how hard a job it really is. I've been spending the week getting all the ingredients I need to make the dinner and dessert. I had to buy and wrap the ornaments we're opening, as well as the pajamas. I went online and tried to find illustrations of the different parts of the Nativity story, so we can tell it to Evie in a way that will capture her interest and attention. Now that it's the day of, I've been trying to juggle all the cooking so everything will be hot and ready at the same time. On top of all that, Evie's had a mild stomach bug today, so she's been puking (although not since this morning, thankfully, it seems to have passed) and we've had to clean up her pajamas, bedding, stuffed animals, and everything else she threw up on. And she's had three baths. It's been crazy. But I'm still hoping that it will be just as magical and wonderful for Evie as it's always been for me.

I have to say, it really makes me appreciate my mom and dad. It's harder to feel the magic when you're the ones making it happen. It's a little lonely, being on the other side of the festivities, making the family's traditions work out so beautifully. You don't get to feel the pure joy of the day, when your mind is crowded with all the little details. My mom and dad have sacrificed themselves every Christmas for the past 20-something years, just so my siblings and I could be as full of the holiday spirit as possible. They make minor miracles occur, every year. I've never properly thanked them for that.

Thank you, Mom and Dad. You've always been the miracle workers behind the details of Christmas. You always made it wonderful. You always made it special. I finally understand (to some extent, anyway) the sacrifices you've made for me at Christmastime. Those childhood memories are ones that I'll always treasure, thanks to you. I love you.

Merry Christmas.

It Makes You Think

Ben showed me a news report today. A Marine was forced to eject from his F18 when the engines malfunctioned. The abandoned jet crashed into a residential area, hitting a house where a Korean immigrant and his family lived.

The man of the house wasn't there at the time. When he got home, he found that his entire family (mother-in-law, wife, and two baby girls) had been killed. His entire family.

I think most of us would scream, cry, and curse the Marine who unwittingly caused the tragedy.

But this man forgave the pilot.

The pilot's first words after he safely landed were, "I hope I didn't kill anybody."

Both engines in his fighter had failed. He'd had no choice but to eject. It's what any sane person, under the stress of making a split-second life and death decision, would have done.

Dong Yun Yoon, the lone survivor, said of the pilot, "I pray for him not to suffer for this action. I know he's one of our treasures for our country."

He recognized that the entire tragedy was a horrible accident, and didn't blame the pilot. He forgave him. His entire family was snatched away in an instant, and he forgave the pilot.

I'd like to think that maybe I could do the same if something like that happened to me, but I'm just not sure. I know it's the right thing to do in that sort of situation, but I don't know if I could be reasonable through that kind of suffering - especially this time of year, when everyone is focused on love and family. It sort of magnifies the tragedy of it all.

As far as the pilot goes, I have no doubt that he's beating himself up about it. I honestly feel as badly for him as I do for Yoon. I'm sure he's thinking "If only." If only he had sacrificed himself, and stayed in the plane to try and steer it to a safer crash area. If only he had done something different in his flight pattern itself, so he wasn't so close to a residential area. If only he'd had his engines double-checked (or triple-checked) before takeoff.

He was clearly worried that the plane might have hurt someone, if you look at his first words he said after ejecting. "I hope I didn't kill anybody." Upon hearing what happened, I have no doubt that he was filled with overwhelming guilt and remorse.

Ben is going to be a pilot. It's possible that he might have to make a similar choice himself one day. I can't imagine how hard that would be. If he sacrificed himself, he would be leaving the people he loves (Evie and I) alone. If he chose to eject and pray for the best, he risks the possible accidental death of an innocent third party, something that would consume him with remorse, probably for the rest of his life. Neither choice is a good one.

This has been a tragedy for everyone involved. But it's also been a shining example of humanity at its best. Yoon could easily have screamed, cried, and sworn vengence. The pilot could have gotten defensive, convincing himself that he shouldn't feel bad because it was an accident. The remorse, the forgiveness, the humanity of it all teaches us a lesson. It helps us to remember that the faceless people around us have feelings, just like we do. They have trials. They have blessings. They have weaknesses. They have talents. They have insecurities. They have families.

We're all the same. We're all different, yes, but on a basic level, we all want the same thing. We want to be happy. We want to be loved. And above all, when something bad happens, we want to be forgiven/be able to forgive, and to find peace. We can't find peace without forgiveness.

I pray that Yoon and the pilot will both be able to find peace, and that they'll someday also be able to find happiness again. I pray for Yoon's mother-in-law, wife, and two baby girls. I pray that he'll be able to feel their love in his life, and know that they're always with him. I pray that he'll be blessed with the knowledge that he will see them again someday.

Most of all, I pray that I can learn from this tragic accident. I want to live my life in such a way that if something does happen to my loved ones, I'll have no doubt that they knew that I loved them with every fiber of my being. I want to live my life with a spirit of forgiveness to those that may somehow wrong me. I want to endure all of the trials I have in my life, and be strengthened by them, so that when something hugely tragic does happen I'll have the faith and strength to survive it.

You can read about it here:
http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/california/la-me-jetcrash10-2008dec10,0,2049016.story

Blessings and Disappointments

So as it turns out, our 6 week stay in temporary housing is not the norm.

We had been #2 on the waiting list for several weeks before we moved here, and assumed that due to that high number we'd be getting into a house quickly. I even had hopes we'd be settled in for Christmas.

Once we arrived, we discovered we were #3. They'd been bumping us back when more immediate or more important people's needs came up. That seemed logical. We figured that was normal, too.

When we found out that even after we got a house there would be a 30-day wait for it, we knew we wouldn't have a home in time for Christmas. I was sad, but we got some decorations and are making the best of it.

Naturally, I figured most people moving to Vance have to go through a month to 6 weeks in temporary housing.

NOT SO!

I met with a group of wives today to have a play group for our kids. They were all extremely nice, and Evie and I had a good time. But over the course of the time we spent together, I discovered that most people, apparently, don't have a wait anything like this bad. The girl who had moved in most recently (3 weeks ago) moved straight in to her new house. I don't think they spent any time at all in the TLF, although they might have been there a day or two. Another girl was contacted by the housing office and offered her choice of two homes - one (very slightly) smaller house in 3 days, or one (slightly) larger house in 30. She, too, moved right away.

The longest wait I heard anyone mention was TWO WEEKS!

WE'RE STUCK HERE FOR SIX!!!!!!

If we had a two week wait, we would be moving next week, with plenty of time to get things set for a nice Christmas in our own home. But no, we're not moving until Jan. 16th.

I'm kind of frustrated with this. I realize that part of the problem was probably our wait time on the list. The girl who moved in immediately was on the list for several months, so they probably gave her a higher priority when she got here. We were only on the list for about a month and a half.

HOWEVER, we tried very hard to get on that list much, much earlier. We couldn't officially apply for housing until Ben had his official orders that stated he was coming here. And the office taking care of this at Hill screwed up. They told Ben, "Oh yeah, go to Alabama for 6 weeks, we've got all your information for your orders." We should have been able to apply for housing back in August. But they (not Ben, the office) forgot some things that they needed, and didn't notice until Ben was in Alabama and couldn't do anything about it. So he couldn't actually apply for housing until near the end of October.

I have no doubt that this is part of why we don't have a house. But I wonder how many people there are who are spending a nice, cozy Christmas at one base, moving here right after, and getting into their new home even before we do. How many houses are sitting around, waiting for their new residents to move here, while we spend a lonely Christmas in a cramped apartment with none of our stuff? There has to be a better system than this. The Air Force usually does an excellent job taking care of their people, but this is just wrong. It's Christmastime. They should be trying harder to help the families (like us) with nowhere to go. It's just frustrating.

I could accept the housing dilemma more easily when I thought it was the norm. Knowing that it isn't normal, that ours is a ridiculous wait time, and that it's Christmas to boot, makes me angry. I've been praying for MONTHS that we be in our own home for Christmas. The fact that things worked out this way is discouraging.

I'll stop complaining about it pretty quickly, I'm sure, since there's nothing I can do about it. But it feels really good to write all this down, and vent a little bit. It's our first Christmas as a family unit, with just the three of us. We've always been with other family before. I really wanted this to be the kind of Christmas I remember from when I was growing up - and part of that includes having a real home. I know Evie won't care, that she won't remember this in years to come, but I will. And I think I'll always be a little bit sad.

I know that I'm fortunate to have somewhere to stay at all. I know I'm blessed that I can afford to buy my family presents. I know that there are people in the world that don't have any of the things that I have, and that they would give their right lung to trade with me. I know that I'm spoiled in my life, that I'm one of the lucky ones on this earth. That's the other reason why I won't complain any more once I finish this blog. But while my problems pale in comparison with other people's, that doesn't mean I can't be sad, does it?

This will be a good Christmas, I'll make sure of that. I have my family, we have food and shelter, we have a Christmas tree and gifts for one another. We even have hot water and indoor plumbing! To complain about the housing thing is petty. I need to shut up and count my blessings. God may not have given me the house I'd been praying for, but He did give me the husband and daughter that I couldn't survive without. He's given me good neighbors, and potential good friends, here at Vance. He's given Ben a steady income, doing a job he enjoys. We're taken care of. We're provided for. The blessings outweigh the disappointments.

I just need to remember that, the next time I find myself comparing housing wait times.

I am blessed.

Ooooooklahoma!

This is our third day in Oklahoma, and I've finally gotten the stupid state song out of my head. For now.

For those who don't know, we don't get to move into our new home until January, so for now we're in a tiny apartment in temporary housing. I'm completely bummed that we're spending Christmas here without any of our belongings, but I'm very grateful I packed our presents in the car instead of on the moving truck (the contents of which won't be seen until we move in January).

We bought a little four-foot tree and decorated it, and hung some cheap stockings across the curtains over our one window. I even found a little Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus to put out as a decoration. I'm really sad I don't get to use the beautiful hand-painted Nativity my Mom made for me last year. Since it was a Christmas gift last year, it is as yet unused.

Anyway, maybe it will shape up to be one of those inspirational little "we don't have much" Christmases that they write about in Chicken Soup for the Soul. We'll see.

On another note, did you know that they've come out with New York Cheesecake Hershey Kisses? They're chocolate on the outside, with cheesecake cream on the inside. They're surprisingly good, I might add. Most of Hershey's recent ambitions in the Kiss world have been pretty dreadful, so this might change things. On the other hand, if you don't like cheesecake (or if you're a really picky cheesecake connoisseur) you might be disappointed.

We're also getting a kitten when we move in January. We've already been to the shelter to play with them twice, and it was awesome. I was left alone in the room with all 5 of them for a few minutes yesterday, and I became a kitty playground. I had them attacking my shoelaces and the strings on my jacket, purring loudly. They were so adorable. It makes me want to take all of them home. But then I'd be one tragedy away from becoming a crazy cat lady, so maybe we'll just stick with getting one. They're so cute, though. I can see how the people at the shelter would be heartbroken when they can't get one of the kittens adopted. There's one they currently have that's been there for a few years (a cat, now, not a kitten anymore). She's apparently really sweet, and they're so sad that they can't find her a home.

It makes me want to adopt kids, too, since orphans are in similar situations, but let's face it - that's WAY more expensive than adopting a cat, and the cat is stretching our budget. But maybe Mom and Dad can mail me an orphan from Kenya (I'M TOTALLY KIDDING!!! IT'S A JOKE!!!).

Anyway, that's my life up to date. And that's all I have to say about that.