A Sudden Rush of Clarity

I was thinking today about the struggle my husband and I have had for the past five years with infertility.

It's been a long, often grueling road. There have been times where I hid from pregnant friends, or cursed every time I saw a pregnancy announcement. There were times when I knew for a FACT that a particular month was IT, and I was going to finally get pregnant again! ...only to be disappointed. There were numerous occasions when I cried through my prayers, begging God to bless me with more children, and wondering if He wasn't because of some unworthiness on my part.

The talented ladies of Women at the Well

But for the most part, this journey has been a good one. Not easy, no, but I've learned and grown leaps and bounds. I've become a little kinder, a little more charitable, a little more loving. I've certainly learned to appreciate the adorable little miracle I already have. I've grown closer to my husband, and to my Savior. I'm still far, far from perfect, but I do feel like I've become a better person than I used to be. I don't think that kind of growth would have been possible without this trial, or something equally excruciating. So I try to take the whole process with a thankful heart.

Thora and Allison at our Spitfire Grill cast party

Obviously, there are still times when the pain comes back in full force. Fortunately, those times are much fewer and further between than they used to be. But it does still happen.

Today I had one of those moments, just kind of out of the blue. I suspect that the crazy hormones from the birth control I'm on may have had something to do with it, but whatever caused it, it happened. It sucked. And it passed.


After the waterworks stopped, I was thinking about my infertility and everything that I've learned during this trial. And I had an incredible moment of clarity.

At Buffalo Wild Wings with one of my favorite people, Shea

God has a plan for all of us. He knows exactly what we need, and when we need it. He sees the whole picture, while we just see a tiny fraction. His timing is perfect. I have learned to really believe that. But today, I really began to understand why I've had this trial, and why the timing of having babies has been different for me than for almost all of my friends.

If I had been able to pop out kids at the rate my friends do, what would I be doing with my time? I'd be taking care of kids 24 hours a day. I wouldn't be able to put time and energy into extra things, like theater and music, especially with a husband who is gone so much.

I never would have done Spitfire Grill, and I wouldn't be doing Little Shop of Horrors now. I wouldn't have put together the Women at the Well performance for Easter. Ben and I probably wouldn't have tried out for Abilene Idol. I wouldn't be teaching music lessons, or taking pictures for people. I wouldn't have been able to help out much at Evie's school like I did last year.

The gorgeous Doo-Wop girls of Skid Row

To put it bluntly, I wouldn't know half of the people that I know!

And isn't life all about our experiences? We become the people we do because of the friends we make, the things we do, the experiences we have.

I wouldn't be who I am today without all of those people I've met, and all of those interactions I've had.

Little Shop of Horrors, baby!

And it's not just about me. Maybe God let me have this struggle with infertility not only so I could learn things from all of the people I've met, but so that I could, in some small way, change people's lives myself.

If I've uplifted any of the people I've been privileged to meet, if I've helped them somehow, if I've improved their life in any minuscule way, I think it was worth it.

I know meeting those people and getting to know them has been a blessing for me. And if I've been a blessing for them in return, so much the better.

God's timing is perfect. He knows exactly what He's doing. And now I understand a little bit better why I've had this challenge in my life. I am incredibly blessed to know all the people that I do, and I wouldn't give any of them up. Not for anything in the world.

I know those babies will come someday, when the time is right. But for now, I'm exactly where I need to be, with the friends I'm supposed to know.

Look out! She's got a pie and she knows how to use it!

 
And I love you all.

Miracles

I saw on Facebook yesterday a page dedicated to intellectual, atheist women. I don't have a problem with their having a page. Why should I? I believe that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. But I was offended by their insistence that any woman who considers herself "religious" is automatically giving up her freedom and equality. They also insisted that no intellectual woman could possibly be religious, and therefore all religious women must be of below-average intelligence or deluding themselves.

It was a very condescending attitude.

I consider myself equal to men. I consider myself free. I also consider myself intelligent. I'm no genius, but I do have an IQ somewhere between 130-140 (although it's been a long time since I was tested, so I don't remember the exact number). I'm definitely no dummy. But I also consider myself religious. In fact, religion is at the very center of my life. Therefore, by their explanation of "the way things are," I must be an idiot.

Never mind that their arguments as to why all religion is fraudulent were full of fallacies. For example, the very first reason they listed was "thousands of priests molesting thousands of kids." Okay, so because people have the capacity to be horrible human beings, religion is a load of crap? That's like saying all peanuts are poisonous because sometimes people die from eating peanuts. It makes no sense.

And never mind that these women were so arrogant as to believe that their way of thinking was the only correct way to think. When asked if pro-life women were welcome on their page, their response was that there's no such thing as "pro-life," it's actually "anti-choice" and it's an attack on women and their freedom and equality. As a woman who is definitely "pro-life," I thought that was ridiculous. I believe that there are better alternatives than abortion, such as adoption. I believe that every baby deserves a chance at life. For me, it's not about trampling on women's freedom. I don't go around telling people that they're evil because they might be pro-choice. I just believe differently than they do. For me, it's not about them, it's about the babies and whether or not they should have a chance to live. It's about the life. I don't call them "anti-life," so why should they be so arrogant and rude as to call me "anti-choice"?

It's not their pro-choice status that bothers me; they're welcome to their own beliefs. It's the condescension towards anyone who chooses to believe differently. But I digress.

All of that set aside, the fact of the matter is, there are a lot of things in life that can't be explained by science. Things happen that confound logic. Experiences occur that can only be considered miracles. I've had miracles in my own life. And I can see no other explanation for them than that there's a God out there looking out for me.

Granted, it probably helps that I already have a strong belief in God. I was raised in a religious family. But just because my parents believed didn't automatically mean that I would. I had to gain that testimony for myself. I spent years learning about the gospel, studying it out in my mind, and praying to know if it was true.

I am my own woman, and I came to my own conclusions. And I am 100% confident in my beliefs. So I'm sure that many would say that the miracles in my life were merely happy chance, and that I attributed them to God because of my beliefs.

They're welcome to have that opinion. But I know differently. Let me share experiences from one particular night that stands out in my mind.

I was fifteen years old, and it was just a week or two before my sixteenth birthday. My family and I had gone to Manti, Utah, to see the pageant they hold there.

It ended fairly late in the evening, and my family and I were making the long trip back to my grandmother's house in Roy. My aunt, brother, and I were in the lead car, with my parents and two youngest siblings in the car behind us. I was sitting in the front passenger seat, reading out loud from The Princess Bride to help my aunt stay awake.

My eyes were down on the page, so I didn't see what was coming.

I heard my aunt gasp, and felt her slam on the breaks. Now, normally when someone slams on the breaks, everyone's head is thrown forward. Physics, and all. But that's not what happened to me. Instead, my legs locked on the floor, and I felt myself being shoved backward, tight against my seat. I didn't move an inch.

The elk that my aunt had hit slammed into the windshield, creating a huge hole - right where my head should have been.

Miracle number one.

I missed seeing most of it. I only managed to look up as the elk was rolling off of the windshield and across the roof.

Now, typically, when something like that happens, people's eyes immediately look up to see what's coming. And how long does it take to look up? A fraction of a second. But somehow, for some reason, my eyes stayed down until after the elk had hit and was rolling away.

Later that night, we found tiny red dots all over my eyelids where glass from the windshield had hit my skin. If I had been looking up, that glass would have gone directly into my eyes, possibly causing serious damage.

Miracle number two.

We pulled off into the grass along the road. There was very limited cell service, and we were having a heck of a time trying to reach anyone.

While my parents and aunt and several good samaritans tried to get a phone call through to the police, my siblings and I sat in the undamaged car my parents had been driving. We weren't buckled or anything, of course, because we weren't moving. We were just talking, joking around, playing. My brother spent a few entertaining moments pretending to be an elk running into the car.

As we were sitting there, I looked up to see my aunt and mother running toward us, waving their arms and screaming, horror on their faces. I looked around to see what was going on, and saw a car pull up just next to us.

I found out later that the car had hit the elk's body, which was still lying in the road, and the driver had lost control. He found himself speeding off the road - on a collision course with the car where my siblings and I were sitting.

I don't know what my mom and aunt were hoping to accomplish by running over to us. As a mom now myself, I believe that my mother probably would have tried to stop the car with her bare hands. But God was looking out for us. Just before the car should have hit us, it changed direction and pulled up beside us instead.

I don't know if the driver managed to regain control at the last second or not, but I do know that there were angels protecting me and my family that night.

Miracle number three.

I mean, think about it. It's easy to dismiss one miracle as "luck" or "coincidence." But three miracles, all improbable, all occurring the same night? I don't see how logic or science can explain that.

By all logic, I should have ended up in the hospital with a head injury, possibly even brain damage. Logically, maybe I should have died that night. I certainly should have gotten glass in my eyes. Maybe, logically, I should be blind because of that night. Probably that other car should have hit us, and my siblings and I should have been injured, maybe even killed.

You know, logically.

As it was, we all walked away from that night in perfect health, aside from the scratches on my eyelids. And those healed quickly.

The only explanation for that night, for me, is that God is real and angels were watching out for me. I still don't understand why I locked my legs and was pressed back against my seat. I didn't even see what was coming. And the force pressing my body into the seat was not my own. I know for a fact that it was an angel.

Call me crazy or stupid, tell me I'm not free, insist that I'm treated as an inferior. None of that is true, but you can think that if it makes you feel better.

The fact of the matter is, I am an intelligent woman. I am married to a man who not only sees me as his equal, but as his better half. And I have the freedom to choose whatever path I wish to take.

No one chose this path for me. No one forced me to follow my religion. No one coerced me into believing in God. I made those decisions myself.

I know that God lives.

I know that Jesus Christ suffered and died for me, because He loves me.

I know that God spoke to men in biblical times, and that He still speaks to us today.

I know that revelation is continuing, and the heavens are still open.

I know that angels are real, and that they watch over and protect us.

I know that my husband and I have a marriage that was sealed in heaven as well as on earth, so that we will continue to be husband and wife even after we die.

I know that nothing else makes me as happy as my family does, and I know that God has provided the way so that I can be with my family forever.

God is good.

My name is Cassie Fifield, and I am a free, equal, intelligent, religious woman.

At the temple with my sweetheart and the Stickneys

A Downer of a Blog

Okay, I'll admit it straight up: This blog entry will be seriously lacking in sunshine and roses.

I think part of the reason for this is that I'm currently on birth control, and it's seriously messing with my hormones. Add to that the fact that I really, REALLY don't want to be on birth control (five years trying for a baby, anyone?), and my emotions are just a mess. I'm cranky, I'm tired, I'm emotional, and I feel pretty much worthless. I am NOT a fan of birth control pills. 'Nuff said.

So yeah, I have a hard time being positive about things these days. I just feel too crappy. But sometimes venting helps, so I'm going to vent a little bit. If you don't want to read it, that's fine, but I'm going to write it and I'm going to post it so that anyone who might be in a similar situation will know that they're not alone. We all go through crappy stuff, we all get emotional about things, and I'm sure there are people who can relate.

I was reading the news (BIG mistake, I know. I usually avoid it), and I saw an article about how the GOP was trying to pass legislation to make gender-based abortions illegal. It didn't pass. I guess their thing was that they were trying to save all the baby girls whose parents choose to abort because they want a boy. I don't think there's a whole lot of people who do that anymore, but it does happen. Sick, but true.

I have to say, abortion is an issue that makes me sick at heart as it is. Never mind my own infertility, although that adds to it greatly, for sure. But the idea that there are women out there who consider their growing baby a parasite or a tumor rather than a potential human being is just too sad for words. Now, I'm not of the school of thought that says "abortions are ALWAYS evil," I believe there are instances when they are understandable. For example, if the mother's life is in jeopardy, and she chooses to abort so that she can live, I understand that. Or if the pregnancy is a result of rape, or incest, or anything like that. I totally can live with abortion under those circumstances. I probably wouldn't do it myself, but I understand it. I don't agree with aborting a child because it's sick, because I believe that even a brief life is worth living, but I can also understand how people might want to spare their child the pain of living with certain health conditions. Again, I don't agree with that one, but I can understand it.

But in normal circumstances, with healthy mothers and children, I think abortion is flat-out sick. And the idea that some people choose to abort their beautiful baby girls solely because they're FEMALE is disgusting.

I've addressed this before, and I'll say it again: If you don't want your baby, or don't think you can take care of it, GIVE IT UP FOR ADOPTION. It's the most selfless thing you can do. You're not only giving your child a chance at life, you're giving a baby to a family who desperately wants one, and maybe (like me) has a hard time having their own. I know, nine months of discomfort seems like a poor deal for a baby you're not planning to keep, but I don't think anyone would ever regret doing it. The joy that they would bring to the family who adopts their child, and the joy they would feel at bringing that life into the world would more than make up for the discomfort of pregnancy.

I know many people who were adopted. I can't imagine how different my life, and the lives of their loved ones would be if their mothers had chosen to abort them.

I want more children so desperately that, if I think about it too much, I end up in tears. I feel the absence of those children, and it breaks my heart. I long for them with a literal pain that's deep and profound. And the thought of women in the world taking a pregnancy for granted, and just choosing to have that life cut out of them like a tumor... It kills me. It really does.

I can't imagine life without my daughter. I can't imagine how much more empty and sad it would be if I had aborted her. She is a part of my soul. I wouldn't trade her for all the success, power, fame and money in the world.

I don't think people understand where happiness really comes from. It's nice to have a lucrative career, or to be famous, or to make a lot of money. But in the end, while those things may bring momentary satisfaction, they're really empty. What's the point of having money and success if you don't have anyone you love to share it with?

Love is what brings us joy. Family can make us happier than anything else in the world. If people would put their families first, and if spouses would always think of each other before themselves, I really think we could bring about world peace. The family is the center of a person's life, their upbringing, and who they become as adults. And people are what make the world what it is. Can you imagine what an amazing world we'd be living in if people put more focus on family and less on shallow, empty things like money?

I'll jump off my soapbox now, but let me just end with this: We live in a messed up world, where adultery is winked at, divorce is the norm, and abortion is applauded. The only way to change that is in the family, as we raise our children.

So let's choose to raise them!

And let's raise them to be better than us.

Can you imagine a world without this gorgeous little angel?

Seven Years in Heaven

Today is my seventh wedding anniversary. I'm married to the most wonderful man alive. Unfortunately, we can't be together for our anniversary. He's doing six months of military training in another state, and I'm very busy with other obligations this weekend. We just couldn't make it work out so that we could celebrate the day together.

I'm writing this blog to try and compensate a little bit for that fact. When we first got married, we set a goal that we would try and go on an overnight trip for every anniversary, even if it was just to a local hotel. We would paint "Just Married" on the back of the car and act like a couple of newlyweds. Obviously, that's not the kind of thing that works out every year, especially when you're married to an Air Force officer. There are times when he's just not around. We just have to do the best we can. So in honor of our anniversary, I'm dedicating a blog to my husband. It's literally the least I could do, but I couldn't stand to see the day go by without doing something.

Ben and I were married seven years ago in the Idaho Falls, ID temple. Because we were married in the temple, that means we were sealed together for time and all eternity. I know a lot of my non-Mormon friends will be a little bit baffled by that terminology, so in case they read this, I'll try to explain. In Matthew 16:19 it says, "And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."

The keys of the kingdom is referring to the priesthood of God. It's the same priesthood that the prophets had, that the Savior Himself used. It's the power of God on earth. After Christ's death and the deaths of the apostles, there was chaos, and men lost the priesthood. It was taken from the earth. The teachings of Christ were mingled with the opinions of man and turned into something new. Different, opposing churches - all of whom professed to follow Christ - popped up, teaching different doctrine from one another. No one seemed able to agree. Even today, few churches agree on what they believe. There are even people of the same congregations who believe different things from one another. There's a lot of confusion.

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believe that in the 1800's, the priesthood was finally restored. We believe that God chose a new prophet to restore Christ's church to the earth. His name was Joseph Smith. And under Christ's direction, the gospel - Christ's gospel, the same one He taught during His ministry - was returned to the earth. And with the gospel, the priesthood.

If it seems confusing or far-fetched, I understand. But I believe that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. If He could choose prophets to do His work, give people direction and revelation, and perform miracles among men in the past, why would He cease to do so today? I don't believe He would. I believe that the heavens are still open, and that God still takes a direct hand in the teaching and leading of His children. I believe that prophets still exist today. I believe that Christ Himself leads our church, through direction given to His prophet, currently Thomas S. Monson. And I believe that President Monson holds the priesthood. All worthy men in our church are able to receive and use the priesthood. My father has it. My brothers have it. And my husband has it. Having the priesthood in my home has been an incredible blessing. I can't tell you the number of times that it has helped our family, from helping me receive guidance from the Lord, to healing me or my family members when we've been sick.

If you have any questions about it, or about any aspects of our faith, I would encourage you to go to mormon.org. On that website, regular, everyday members of our church share their testimonies and offer explanation for any questions you may have. We don't know if you've looked at the site, we won't be tracking you down. ;) It's just a way for you to get some honest answers to your questions without having to talk to a live, in-your-face person. It's completely anonymous for people who visit the website. And if you don't know about the church, I would encourage you to check it out. There are a LOT of misconceptions about us out there, and we're not afraid to let people know what the truth about us is. We'd rather people were truly informed about us, than have all those crazy rumors circulating! If you want to see my page, it's http://mormon.org/me/512Z/. Feel free to look around!

Anyway, because we have the priesthood, eternal marriages are possible. When we get married in the temple, by someone with the proper priesthood authority, our marriage does not only bind us to one another on earth, it binds us in heaven. Just as it says in Matthew! We call it being "sealed" to each other. And because our union is sealed, any children we have will also be sealed to us.

It's one of the most incredibly beautiful aspects of the gospel! Families can - and will! - be together, as family units, FOREVER!!!! God gave us our families for a reason. He knows that families should be about love. He loves us, and He wants us to have joy. How can we have joy in the life to come if we're separated from our families? Can you imagine getting to the other side with your spouse and children, and being told, "Sorry, they're not your spouse and children anymore. That family bond you had is over. Consider yourselves friends and acquaintances now"? That wouldn't be heaven! That would be hell!!! Heaven isn't heaven unless I have my family with me. And because I was sealed to my family in the temple on my wedding day, as long as we live righteous lives, I will be with my family for eternity! Ben will always be my husband, and Evie will always be my daughter. She'll have her own husband and children, of course, but she will still be my daughter, just as I am my parents' daughter. My heart is overflowing with joy, just thinking about it! God is good! He knew exactly what would make us the most happy when He arranged His great plan for us all. I'm so grateful to Him for His goodness, and I am forever in His debt.

My husband is the best person I've ever known. And I've known a lot of people. I've lived all over the world. I've met all types of people, in all kinds of places. And hands down, my husband is by far the most incredible man alive. It's so hard being separated from him, I'm not going to lie. The worst, of course, is when he deploys. Sending him off into danger is never an easy thing. But at least I can rest a little easier in the knowledge that, even if something terrible happens to him, he will forever be my husband, and I will forever be his wife. Our union will carry on through eternity.

It kind of makes "'til death do you part" sound like a bit of a curse, doesn't it? If you knew that marriages could continue on for eternity, would it be enough to settle for this life, and this life only?

Not for me.

I love my husband. He's selfless, patient, kind, sweet, handsome, smart, and talented. He treats me like a queen, and looks at me as if I were the most beautiful creature alive. He shows his love in millions of little ways every day. He's an incredible father, too. I know that Evie sees how Ben treats me, and will want the same thing for herself when she gets married. He's setting the bar very high for her future boyfriends, and I wouldn't have it any other way! Evie deserves nothing less.

Ben is my better half. He makes me a better person. He completes my soul. He fulfills the deepest desires of my heart. I can't imagine eternity without him, and I'm so grateful that I don't have to.

I love you, Ben. Happy anniversary.

All the Drama

Being an adult, I've decided, is exhausting. At least, being an adult who has a social life is exhausting.

I'm not talking about partying until the wee hours of the morning. I don't really do that anyway. I'm talking about all the drama that goes on between people.

I go to church. I have all my life. And the people I attend church with are, for the most part, wonderful. They're caring, kind, and look out for each other. But every once in a while, stuff happens between people. Bad feelings come up. And the drama begins.

I try to avoid the conflict. I don't listen to the "he says/she says." No one gossips to me, and I'm grateful for that. But I still see the effects of the bitter feelings, the heartache and pain.

It stresses me out.

Seriously, people, we're supposed to be better than this! We're supposed to live Christlike lives, and try to emulate Him! The backstabbing and gossip has GOT to STOP!!!!

Now, don't get me wrong. I know that most people at church are there for the right reasons, and trying to live their lives the right way. They're good, decent, hardworking people. But when drama like this crops up, you can feel it spreading almost like a poison through the whole group. It raises everyone's stress levels big time. People start whispering behind backs. Strong opinions are formed with little information. It brings the entire group down, down, down - even those who are trying to avoid all the conflict.

I'm one of those. I don't want to deal with the pettiness! So I'm taking a stand, and asking all of you to do as President Uchtdorf told us to in his General Conference talk. "When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

"Stop it!"

Seriously! We're adults! It's time to stop acting like middle-schoolers! Taking a stab at someone else is NOT going to make you feel better! Spreading rumors won't bring you satisfaction! Sharing gory details of other people's pain and suffering won't make your life seem better! It will just make you more bitter and miserable!

And this goes for everyone involving themselves in the drama, not just the people who are right in the middle of it. Everyone needs to learn to be a little kinder, a little more forgiving, a little more Christlike.

For those right in the middle of it all, though, I get that it's the hardest for you. But YOU can choose how you're going to handle it! If you're dealing with a lot of negative feelings, the best way to deal with it is to take it to the Lord and let Him heal your wounds. Let Him carry you for a while. It probably won't happen right away, but you'll definitely notice that you're more at peace. You'll be less inclined to lash out at others, and have an easier time forgiving those who hurt you.

Even if you're incredibly mad at the other person, if you turn to God and let Him take away your anger, you'll not only feel better, you'll become a better person.

It's really your choice. When we're given a trial in life, we can choose one of two paths: We can let that trial bring us down, make us miserable, and put us a little bit more in Satan's grasp; or we can let that trial make us stronger, more faithful, and closer to God.

Life isn't easy. Heaven knows, we all go through some seriously crappy stuff. But how we deal with that stuff determines what kind of people we become.

Personally, my goal is to become as much like Christ as I possibly can. I can't do that if I'm letting my pain and challenges bring me down. And neither can you.

In conclusion, I repeat those wise words from President Uchtdorf:

"STOP IT!!!"

I'm Cassie Fifield, and I approve this message!!!

The Worst Words

I've noticed a disturbing trend lately. Although I know it's been going on for a while, I first really noticed it with Colton on Survivor, who, if you've watched this season at all, you know is pretty much the worst human being on the planet. He insults people based on their race, financial status, physical defects, intelligence, you name it. And he frequently does it to their faces. He also spends so much of his time rolling his eyes at other people's comments that I'm worried his eyes will eventually fall out of his skull. Well, not so much worried. It would really serve him right.

But one of the things I noticed him saying a few times was, "Go kill yourself."

I was horrified. It was one of the most insulting, heartless, terrible things I had ever heard another person say. And it's not like he just said it once! He said it multiple times, to (or about) multiple people! Which suggests that this isn't just a one-time, emotion-fueled insult. He actually makes a habit of saying it to people whom he dislikes or disagrees with. He's almost casual about it.

Then, reading comments online lately, someone POSTED that very same thing in response to another poster who they probably had never met or interacted with before! They had a difference of opinion, so the one told the other to go kill herself.

Again, the casualness of the whole exchange screams of habit. I can't imagine saying it to another human being a single time, much less saying it so often that you think it's no big deal!

I'd heard stories about bullies saying that kind of thing to other kids in school. That was awful enough, but hearing grown men and women say it to each other now just infuriated me. Shouldn't we have grown past that kind of casual evil as we grew up???

I mean, think about it. Are there any worse words you can say to another person? It's not a threat, because you're inferring that the person you're insulting isn't actually worth your time or energy. You would never act violently towards them. They're not worth it. But at the same time, they clearly are so awful and undeserving of anything good that they should really just do everybody a favor and end their own life. It comes with the implied message, "No one will miss you. If anything, they'll be relieved that you're gone."

It makes me so sick and furious that I'm shaking just thinking about it. And this trend of casual cruelty is becoming very prevalent in our society, sick as it is.

I was watching a preview for the documentary "Bully," which follows several children through school as they're tormented by bigger, meaner kids (and even sometimes teachers). One of the story lines is about a little boy who was teased and tormented in school. One of the things he was told repeatedly by his classmates was, "Go kill yourself."

So he did.

He was eleven years old.

Eleven! He was just a baby! He was barely out of elementary school, if that! The fact that this sweet little boy chose to end his own life because of the torment he was going through with his peers devastates me.

And the fact of the matter is this: If people hadn't been repeatedly telling him to kill himself, and inferring such disdain and indifference about his existence... do you think he would have committed suicide?

My guess would be no.

In case any of my readers have any doubt about the matter, let me clear it up for you now. It is NEVER, in ANY situation, or to ANY kind of person, appropriate to tell someone to go kill themselves. IT IS NEVER OKAY!!!

I don't care how much you dislike a person, or how mad they make you, or how terribly they treat you. If they're genuinely threatening your life, that's different. If you're in danger, you of course should defend yourself however necessary. But saying "go kill yourself" isn't a defense mechanism. It's sole purpose and design is to make someone feel so unworthy, so unloved, so unimportant, that they no longer want to live.

I repeat, it is NEVER okay.

And heaven help anyone I hear saying that to another person. I don't care if you're my child, or someone else's child, or a freaking adult who ought to know better. I will rip you a new one. It takes a lot to set me off on a person, but that would absolutely do it. It's the most cruel, callous, evil thing one person can say to another. And I will not stand by and let it go unanswered.

And I hope that all of you will join with me in taking a stand against this and every other kind of torment. The reason people get bullied and mistreated is because no one is willing to stand up and fight for them. If you see someone at school, church or work being treated badly, make an effort to befriend them. Even if they smell weird, or act weird, or don't look very nice. We are all God's children, and all of our lives have worth. And if anyone needs the joy and love that comes with friendship, it's those who are scorned and tormented on a regular basis. Don't sit silently by and watch it happen. Have the courage to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.

And please, PLEASE teach your children that they should NEVER tell another person to "go kill themselves". Let's end this trend of casual cruelty, and do everything in our power to ensure that it never happens again.

Heartache - A Poem About Infertility

This is dedicated to all of the women who ever have, or ever will be in my shoes. Infertility - even secondary infertility, like mine - is an incredibly difficult cross to bear, and I definitely think it's okay if we just need to break down and cry sometimes. 

You can always be strong again tomorrow. 

**********

My heart is aching, eyes are wet,
Sometimes I wish I could forget.
Not be reminded every day
Of things too painful to convey.

I smile so big and act so strong,
Most people don’t know something’s wrong.
That underneath my cheerful air,
My soul is weeping in despair.

My husband tries to bear the load;
Relieve my burden on life’s road.
But behind his smile, I see a frown.
I wonder if I’ve let him down?

I know he’s hurting, just like me.
How different his own path could be!
If he had wed a different wife,
Would he have had more joy in life?

But, no, he loves me; that I know.
He’d never choose to let me go.
Through thick and thin, he’s by my side,
Exactly as he would decide.

My daughter prays in bed each night,
For God to change her lonely plight.
She plays alone, she’s often blue.
My struggle is her sorrow, too.

She asks me almost every day,
When things will finally go her way?
My heart breaks every time she asks.
I cannot give her what she lacks.

Most days I’m strong. My faith is sure.
I try with patience to endure.
But being strong has got its cost,
For there are days when strength is lost;

When doubts creep in, and then reside
Inside my thoughts where I can’t hide.
They eat away at faith and hope,
Until I can no longer cope.

What if I’m broken? Can’t be healed?
What if my heavy fate is sealed?
My hopes, so high, once more will fall.
What if I can’t be fixed at all?

Each time this trial seems nearly done,
Another problem has begun.
I work to keep despair at bay,
But anguish drives my hope away.

Most days I’m fine, my smile is real.
But days like this need time to heal.
These painful days when faith is low
Can deal my heart a heavy blow.

So, for today, my strength is weak.
My heart may ache, my eyes may leak.
But peace and faith can follow sorrow.

I will be strong again tomorrow.