A Sudden Rush of Clarity

I was thinking today about the struggle my husband and I have had for the past five years with infertility.

It's been a long, often grueling road. There have been times where I hid from pregnant friends, or cursed every time I saw a pregnancy announcement. There were times when I knew for a FACT that a particular month was IT, and I was going to finally get pregnant again! ...only to be disappointed. There were numerous occasions when I cried through my prayers, begging God to bless me with more children, and wondering if He wasn't because of some unworthiness on my part.

The talented ladies of Women at the Well

But for the most part, this journey has been a good one. Not easy, no, but I've learned and grown leaps and bounds. I've become a little kinder, a little more charitable, a little more loving. I've certainly learned to appreciate the adorable little miracle I already have. I've grown closer to my husband, and to my Savior. I'm still far, far from perfect, but I do feel like I've become a better person than I used to be. I don't think that kind of growth would have been possible without this trial, or something equally excruciating. So I try to take the whole process with a thankful heart.

Thora and Allison at our Spitfire Grill cast party

Obviously, there are still times when the pain comes back in full force. Fortunately, those times are much fewer and further between than they used to be. But it does still happen.

Today I had one of those moments, just kind of out of the blue. I suspect that the crazy hormones from the birth control I'm on may have had something to do with it, but whatever caused it, it happened. It sucked. And it passed.


After the waterworks stopped, I was thinking about my infertility and everything that I've learned during this trial. And I had an incredible moment of clarity.

At Buffalo Wild Wings with one of my favorite people, Shea

God has a plan for all of us. He knows exactly what we need, and when we need it. He sees the whole picture, while we just see a tiny fraction. His timing is perfect. I have learned to really believe that. But today, I really began to understand why I've had this trial, and why the timing of having babies has been different for me than for almost all of my friends.

If I had been able to pop out kids at the rate my friends do, what would I be doing with my time? I'd be taking care of kids 24 hours a day. I wouldn't be able to put time and energy into extra things, like theater and music, especially with a husband who is gone so much.

I never would have done Spitfire Grill, and I wouldn't be doing Little Shop of Horrors now. I wouldn't have put together the Women at the Well performance for Easter. Ben and I probably wouldn't have tried out for Abilene Idol. I wouldn't be teaching music lessons, or taking pictures for people. I wouldn't have been able to help out much at Evie's school like I did last year.

The gorgeous Doo-Wop girls of Skid Row

To put it bluntly, I wouldn't know half of the people that I know!

And isn't life all about our experiences? We become the people we do because of the friends we make, the things we do, the experiences we have.

I wouldn't be who I am today without all of those people I've met, and all of those interactions I've had.

Little Shop of Horrors, baby!

And it's not just about me. Maybe God let me have this struggle with infertility not only so I could learn things from all of the people I've met, but so that I could, in some small way, change people's lives myself.

If I've uplifted any of the people I've been privileged to meet, if I've helped them somehow, if I've improved their life in any minuscule way, I think it was worth it.

I know meeting those people and getting to know them has been a blessing for me. And if I've been a blessing for them in return, so much the better.

God's timing is perfect. He knows exactly what He's doing. And now I understand a little bit better why I've had this challenge in my life. I am incredibly blessed to know all the people that I do, and I wouldn't give any of them up. Not for anything in the world.

I know those babies will come someday, when the time is right. But for now, I'm exactly where I need to be, with the friends I'm supposed to know.

Look out! She's got a pie and she knows how to use it!

 
And I love you all.