Hubba Hubba Hubby

Have I ever told you how lucky I am?

I was thinking about it today, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's in the whole existence of the world. Yes, I have my trials and tribulations. Yes, life is hard sometimes. Yes, sometimes I wish some things were different from the way they are. But when you get right down to it, I'm crazy lucky to have my life.

Most especially, I'm crazy lucky to have my husband.

I know what you other married ladies in the reading audience are thinking: "Well, her husband might be good, but he's not as great as my husband!" Well, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. My husband is better. ;)

Okay, okay, it's a matter of opinion. I realize that. You may very well believe that your husband is the best in the world, and in fact, I hope you do. I hope that each and every one of you thinks your hubby is tops. Because that's the way it should be.

But still, mine's the best.

I can't believe that he married me, of all people! What was he thinking???

Anyway, allow me to illuminate why my husband is the best in the world.

1) He's handsome. Not just stereotypically, movie-star handsome, either. It goes beyond that. He has these blue eyes that you could drown in. And he's got one of those long, straight, proud Roman-esque noses. And his eyebrows have this unique curve to them, so he's got this perpetually interested, sweet, innocent look on his face. I love those eyebrows. I know, that sounds weird, but it's true. He's a little self-conscious about them, I think, because I comment on them a lot (and let's face it, eyebrows are a strange thing to comment on), but I do it because I genuinely love them. They make his whole face more interesting, and more handsome.

2) He has the world's best arms. They're nice and long, lean, and have just the right amount of muscle on them. He wraps his arms around me, and I just melt. I feel so safe when he holds me, like nothing bad can ever touch me again. His arms are strong, but gentle too. Going along with that, he's got these big, strong hands. They're also super gentle. His hands always feel so soft when he touches me. They convey his feelings perfectly, too. When he touches me, I can feel in his touch how much he loves me.

3) He's the perfect height. He's tall enough that I have to look up to see into his eyes, and stand on my tiptoes to kiss him. I like that he towers over me, it makes me feel dainty. :) Plus, when he holds me, my head rests comfortably against his chest, where I can hear his heart beating. It's a soothing sound.

4) He's an Air Force pilot! Is there a cooler profession in the entire world? If so, I haven't heard about it. It's exciting to realize that I'm married to a pilot. There are probably thousands of women in the world (probably more), that wish they could marry a pilot. It's such a cool job! He flies multi-million-dollar machines through the sky, fighting bad guys! Evil-doers, beware! ;)

5) He's a worthy priesthood holder. He's given me lots of blessings over the years we've been married. He's helped me get through difficult times with multiple blessings. When Evie gets seriously sick, he's the first one I turn to, because I know he has the power to help her get better. He has that power because he lives worthy of it. He tries his best every day to keep God's commandments and live like he's supposed to. He's a virtuous, wise, spiritual man who tries to emulate the Savior in every aspect of his life. I know that I can turn to him for counsel when faced with a problem, and he's in tune enough with the Spirit to be able to give me wise advice.

6) He's patient. We rarely fight, because he rarely gets annoyed. Even when I'm being difficult, he takes it all in stride and waits for me to calm down (and feel sheepish about things), so we can talk it out. He's patient with Evie, too. If she throws a fit, he just tells her, "You can cry if it makes you feel better" and waits for her to chill. I've never heard him raise his voice in anger. Because of his patience, I've become a more patient person as well. I haven't gotten to the same amazing level that he's at, and I'm not sure that I ever will, but I've definitely grown. I've noticed that instead of snapping at him when I'm annoyed, I stop and think about the situation first. Usually, I'll recognize what I've done wrong in the situation instead of focusing on what he did to annoy me. I'm able to let go of my anger and frustration. Usually, no conflict will arise at all. It's amazing how he's made me a better person, just by being so patient himself.

7) He's 100% loyal to me. He seriously thinks I'm some sort of goddess. If I have a bad dream about him cheating on me, or divorcing me, he just tells me that I'm crazy because that would never happen. He doesn't even look at underwear ads in magazines or at the mall. He doesn't even notice them. He only sees me. I don't think he even recognizes that women besides me really are women. He just sees them as "people." If we pass an attractive young lady at the store or on the street, he doesn't notice her. At all. She just doesn't register. He's got blinders on as far as other women are concerned, and I love that. I don't feel like I'm all that pretty, but I have absolutely no doubt that he thinks I'm the most gorgeous creature God ever created. Going along with that, he has absolutely no respect for men who do have wandering eyes. There's nothing more disgusting to him than the thought of infidelity. In this world, where adultery is commonplace - even encouraged sometimes! - he's a minor miracle. And I know that he'll have eyes for no one else but me for the rest of eternity. That's the best feeling in the world.

8) He trusts me and supports my decisions. He'll offer advice and suggestions, but when I'm in charge of something in the home, he lets me be in charge. He doesn't look over my shoulder and tell me what I'm doing wrong. He doesn't try to make me do things his way. He sees me as an equal, even as his superior in some ways (although I can't say I fully agree with him in that regard). As his wife, I'm not beneath him. I don't walk behind him. I walk beside him, as an equal partner. He's not a tyrant or a dictator. He respects my opinion, and trusts my judgment.

9) He's smart. This guy can fix a computer, or make it do things I didn't even know were possible. He barely has to study for his pilot training, because he retains information so well. He's got an amazing analytical mind. He studied engineering in college for a while before switching to linguistics. Both of those lines of study are pretty brainy. He wants to learn Arabic and Mandorin, as well as easier languages like Spanish and French. He can solve complex math problems that I can't even read without getting a headache. He's a brain, but he's also humble about it.

10) He loves our family. He treats me like a queen, and our little girl like a bona-fide princess. He's kind, gentle, patient, and loving. He makes time to play games with Evie, even when he's tired or busy. He'll stay up late talking to me, even though he's exhausted, because he knows how much I appreciate that time we have together. He works hard to support our family, but always makes sure to have quality time with us. He even chose a sim schedule at work recently that lets him be home with us all day, even though it means working until 3 in the morning. He wanted to be able to be home for dinner, and to help put Evie to bed, so he picked the more difficult schedule. One of his main reasons for joining the military in the first place was to help keep our family safe. He wanted to ensure our safety, and the safety of our county, by personally fighting to guarantee that safety. He's our hero.

Those are just a few of the millions of reasons I love my husband. He truly is a gift from God. I never imagined that such a man existed, and now I'm married to him! He's mine forever, and I am his.

See? I told you I was lucky. :)

I Think I Understand Now

Yes, folks, this is going to be about the pregnancy issue. Again. But I'm mostly writing this stuff down for my own benefit, so I can go back and re-read it in the future, and remember what I've felt, understood, and learned. You don't have to read it if you don't want to.

I started off the morning by reading my patriarchial blessing, as well as the blessing Ben gave me last month when he graduated from UPT. Graduation was the beginning of a new chapter of our lives, after all. And it's a chapter wherein he'll be deployed a lot, so a blessing seemed like a good idea.

Anyway, I read both of those, seeking comfort and guidance. After I finished with them, I turned to my favorite passage of scripture, the one that always seems to be speaking to me. It's Doctrine and Covenants section 6, where the Lord is talking to Oliver Cowdry. I relate to those passages in so many ways, it's been kind of my go-to section of scriptures since I was in high school, for times when I'm struggling.

After I finished reading, I sat down and pondered things for a while. This two and a half years of infertility has been hard. I've spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, and wondering why everyone else around me seemed to be having babies while I couldn't get pregnant. It wasn't a fun time. Gradually, I was learning acceptance and patience, but it was difficult even so.

I realized today, though, that God doesn't just have a specific plan and mission for me. He has a plan for each one of His children. We're not just put on this Earth to have a good time and see how we cope with challenges. Each one of us has a purpose.

Taking that into consideration, I began to realize why I wasn't able to get pregnant. A child's birthdate determines a lot of their experiences in life. If they're born at one time, they'll meet certain people, make certain friends, and have certain experiences. If they're born at a different time, all of those other things will be different as well.

God gives all of us the start we need in order to complete our missions here on Earth. He's not going to send a child down at the wrong time, just because the mother is feeling impatient.

It seems totally selfish of me, now that I think about it. I was focused on me, on how the infertility thing was making me feel, on how I was being affected. I didn't really stop to consider that my children all have specific purposes in life, and that when they're born will be a big part of accomplishing those purposes.

Now that I see it that way, I understand why I haven't been able to get pregnant. It's not time yet. My babies will come when they're supposed to come, and not a minute earlier - no matter how much I may kick and scream and curse. (Not that I've ever literally kicked and screamed and cursed, but you get what I mean.)

It makes the whole situation a lot easier to handle when I look at it that way. God isn't giving kids to my friends because He likes them better. I'm not being punished for anything. God isn't witholding babies from me for any reason. He loves me, and I will be blessed with more children if and when it's right. I don't need to feel sorry for myself, or wonder what's wrong with me. I just need to be patient, and put my life (and the lives of my children) in God's hands.

I'm so grateful for my testimony of God, of Jesus Christ, and of the gospel. The gospel truly does make life so much sweeter, and so much happier. And I'm so grateful for the understanding that God has blessed me with. I just wish I hadn't been so stubborn about the whole situation - maybe I would have seen the answer sooner, and been able to spare myself some grief!

Live and learn, right? :)

Growing!

Good news, all! I'm growing as a person! Not so much physically, but emotionally.

As I'm sure you've all noticed, I've had a hard time being surrounded by pregnant friends since we started trying for baby #2, two and a half years ago. Sometimes it feels like everyone I know is pregnant - even though that's not actually the case. Still, it didn't help spending the last year in a young ward where there was definitely a higher-than-average pregnancy rate. Also, since most of my Facebook friends are around my same age, there are a lot of pregnancy/baby announcements and updates online. A lot.

It's been hard for me. That's no secret. There's not much worse than looking around and feeling like some kind of freak. I wonder sometimes what's so wrong with me, that I'm not Super-Fertility Woman (heck, I'm not even Regular-Fertility Woman). There are excited announcements popping up on almost a daily basis, but none from me. Even the people I know who have struggled getting pregnant have been successful in the time since we started trying again. It kind of sucks.

And sometimes people unintentionally say things that hurt, which makes it harder. A lot of people just don't understand what it's like, struggling with getting pregnant. I have a few friends who practically get pregnant just from their husbands smiling at them the right way. They're so fertile, they really can't empathize with me. They've never been in a situation anything like mine. That makes it hard for them to know what to say, and unfortunately they spend more time saying the wrong thing than being helpful, even when helpful is what they're going for. I try not to get too upset about it, because I know they mean well. But it still sometimes feels like a slap in the face, and it's worse when it comes from someone who's super-fertile and just doesn't understand.

Anyway, the lack of understanding coupled with the excess of pregnancies around me has made me very grumpy. I tell myself over and over again that I'm happy for my pregnant friends - and I am! I hope they all have perfect pregnancies and completely healthy babies. But I can't help feeling a little resentful, even as I recognize that the problem is not with them. It's with me.

It doesn't help that my friends are all so much prettier than I am, too. It's like adding insult to injury!

ANYWAY! The good news is, I'm growing. I've been praying so hard to let go of my envy and resentment. I hate feeling that way, and I know that I'm subconsciously driving a wedge between myself and my preggo friends. I don't want to do that! I really, really, really don't want to do that! I love my friends, and my own personal problems are not their fault.

I didn't think I was having much success letting go, however. As much as I tried not to feel jealous and mean-spirited, I couldn't help thinking angry thoughts sometimes. But I kept trying, and finally it seems to be paying off.

A friend of mine announced her pregnancy on Facebook today, and the only thing I felt was 100% happy for her and her husband. This is their first baby, and I love these friends, and I'm so happy for them. Even now, after it's had a chance to sink in, I feel completely happy for them. There's no bad feeling in me at all.

I'm not sure why things suddenly changed for me. Maybe it's because this is their first baby. Maybe it's because this particular friend has never said anything rude or thoughtless to me regarding my own situation, intentional or otherwise. Maybe it's because my body seems to finally be doing what it's supposed to do every month (this is my third month of charting my temperature, and the first that has actually looked like it's supposed to - which of course gives me hope that I'll get pregnant soon myself).

Maybe I'm actually growing up.

I certainly hope I am. I've been trying really hard for a long time now to reach this point. It's a much better feeling, being happy for people, than feeling resentful and self-pitying.

Let's hope it sticks.

Random Thoughts

I haven't written a blog entry in almost two months, so I figured that was reason enough to try and pound something out. I don't really know what to say, but that just means we'll all be surprised to find out where this leads!

I always get good ideas for blogs at night, when I'm falling asleep. Then, the next day, I can't for the life of me remember just what those good ideas were. It's more than a little frustrating.

Speaking of nighttime, and sleep, I dreamed last night that we hadn't moved to Little Rock yet, and that Ben was loading up two huge moving trucks with our stuff. He couldn't fit all of our stuff in, however, probably because he was just chucking everything in without trying to make it fit nicely, so it was this huge tangle of furniture and boxes. It was frustrating. And, in my dream, when I tried to get him to do it a different way he was like, "Who the heck are you? I'll do this however I want, you weirdo." So apparently we weren't married, either. I tried to remedy that by flirting with him and wearing cute, albeit moderately revealing clothes, but he wasn't interested. What do you suppose that means?

I really wanted to get Evie back into dance classes when we moved out here, but apparently they only take new students at the beginning of the semester or whatever. The schools in the area have already paid recital and costume fees for their recitals in June, so there's no way we could get a costume for Evie in time. That's probably the biggest reason for it. So we'll have to wait until we move to Abilene in October and hope it's not too late to enroll her then. I know she misses dancing, and I know she's bored with no one but me to play with, but I'm not really sure what to do about it at this point. Poor thing.

I watched The Incredibles with Evie last night. It was the first time I'd seen it in a long time. I'd forgotten what a fantastic movie it is. That part where they're on the plane, and the missiles are coming at them, and the mom is yelling, "Abort! Abort! There are children on board!" still gives me chills and makes me cry. As a mom, I can only imagine how terrifying a situation like that would be. Yeah, I'm a boob, I know. I cried a couple of weeks back watching My Friends Tigger and Pooh with Evie, too. I was listening to Kanga's voice and I thought, "That's how a mom should sound. Her voice is melodic, soothing, and totally maternal. I sound like a 12-year-old when I talk." That's when I found my eyes tearing up. That's when I realized that I was probably a little hormonal. Or crazy.

A lady at church gave a talk on Sunday (weird, I know!) and she said something that has really stuck with me - you know, over the past 4 days. Anyway, what she said was, "Blessings don't always come at convenient times." I'd never really thought about that. When you think about blessings, you think about things that make you happy, improve your life, etc. You think about things that you were excited to find out about. You don't generally think about things that made you go, "Oh. Okay." But it's really true! So many times stuff happens to us that we just don't want at the moment. Maybe it's an unplanned pregnancy, or finding a dog on the side of the road that needs a home, or getting a calling at church that you didn't really want. Those kinds of things are often inconvenient, and stressful. But most of the time, they turn out to be huge blessings as well.

I've been thinking lately about how it would kind of stink to get pregnant anytime in the next few months. That's not to say that I wouldn't be thrilled, it just would be more convenient if it happened at a different time. Ben, Evie and I want to go see our families for Christmas this year. We have a whole big vacation planned. Ben hasn't been allowed any leave time pretty much since he commissioned in the Air Force two years ago, so he's got a lot stored up. We want to use it to try and go to Idaho and see our families from Thanksgiving-New Year's. We're really looking forward to it! The thing is, if I get pregnant in the next few months, I'll be right at the end of my pregnancy at that time and wouldn't be able to go. That's not to say that it wouldn't be more than a fair trade, it absolutely would, it would just be kind of inconvenient.

But blessings don't always come at convenient times! As I think about it more, Evie's already going to be more than 4 years older than the next kid. Do I really want to increase that age gap? Heck no! The sooner we get pregnant, the better, as far as I'm concerned! I'm not even going to use the word "inconvenient" anymore, in relation to getting pregnant. If it happens, it will be a huge blessing, and will be 100% welcome and convenient. Yeah, it will be sad not to see our families, but it will be a fantastic reason for missing Christmas with them.

On the other hand, with my luck I still won't get pregnant and they'll deploy Ben so he can't have Christmas with us anyway. That's not really a blessing in my mind, so I can call it "inconvenient" all I want. On the other hand, Ben's being deployed would be a huge blessing to the people he'd be helping.

I'd still rather have him with me for Christmas.

It's kind of sad that I have very few super-close friends that aren't related or married to me. I know it comes with growing up in the military, but I think a big part of it is just me, as well. I was in Utah for 7 - 8 years, which is a good amount of time, but I still don't have any friends that I talk to more than once or twice a month. We send emails occasionally, but that's about it. It's kind of sad. We moved here to Little Rock two weeks ago, almost, and I haven't heard from any of my Oklahoma friends. It's lonely, starting over in a new place, and I don't feel like there are many people I can call. I'm sure if I did call, most of my friends would be completely thrilled to hear from me, but I think I worry about being an inconvenience (there's that word again!) to them. I worry that, now that I'm far away, they would feel like they were wasting their time, talking to me. It's an irrational worry, I know, but years and years of not hearing from long-distance friends has led me to subconsciously believe that once I'm gone, they don't really care much about me anymore. I am lucky, however, that I have a wonderful family - and wonderful in-laws! - that I can call if I really need to talk. I don't get to talk to them as much as I'd like to, either, but at least I don't worry that I'm imposing when I call them. Anyway, I wonder how much of all this insecurity is due to the way I grew up, and how much is just my nature?

The newest Fablehaven book is coming out next week, as is New Moon (which I still haven't seen), and The Princess and the Frog came out this week! March is a good month for entertainment, I guess. :) Also, apparently it's a good month for giving birth. I think literally half the people I know have March birthdays. What's up with that?

My thoughts seems to have finally run dry, and Evie's been in here 5 times to ask me for lunch (it's only 12:30 for crying out loud!), so I guess I'd better end there.

The End.

I'm the Booger

As Colin Mochrie so eloquently stated once, "You've got a booger!" Mom, you have got a booger, and that booger is me.

Evie woke up at 5:00 this morning, coughing and wheezing and whimpering. After giving her a drink and some medicine, I went back to bed. I couldn't sleep, though. I found my mind drifting to years past, and recalling memories that had all but disappeared from my mind.

I'm a lot like my mom. I love surprises, but I'm rarely surprised. Somehow, I always find out about things before I'm supposed to.

When I turned 18, my family decided to throw me a surprise party. I was heading off to college in a month or two, and I'm sure they wanted to have a fun celebration with me while they still could. Or something.

At the time, I was dating a few guys, I had a job, and I was keeping pretty busy. I happened to be home, however, when my friend Amber's mom called to RSVP for my party. In fact, I'm the one who answered the phone. I had no idea what she was talking about, of course, but I figured it out pretty quickly. I didn't want to ruin it for my family, though, so I pretended that I didn't know about the party.

The trouble was, one of the guys I was dating kept asking me if he could take me out on a date for my birthday. I kept telling him "no." I didn't want to screw things up for my family! Finally I just told him about the surprise party, so he would know why I couldn't go out with him. That's when he admitted to me that it was his job to get me out of the house and to the party.

Oops.

One thing led to another, and, while I got to the party just like planned, everyone found out that I hadn't been surprised. I felt bad about it... But that wasn't the last time I ruined a surprise party for myself.

A few years later, I was home from college for the summer. I was working at a hair salon as a receptionist. When I came home from work on my birthday, I noticed extra cars parked around the house and people moving around inside. I was tired, cranky, and all my closest friends were still at college so I didn't anticipate that there would be all that many people I'd really want to see at my party.

So, what did I do?

I snuck around the back of the house, unlocked the utility room door by sticking my arm through the dog door, and hid downstairs in the family room. I didn't let anyone know I was home, I just sat there and listened to the people chatting upstairs. I felt a little guilty, but I found the entire thing highly funny as well.

Eventually my family spotted my car outside. Lyssa came downstairs and told me to stop being a jerk and go upstairs. Then she told me that someone had come out from Utah to surprise me.

That stopped me short. Who on earth could it be? I ran upstairs and found my ex-boyfriend (who was also one of my close friends) in the kitchen, doing the dishes. I was so excited! And I felt like a complete moron for ruining the surprise. Again.

To this day, I still complain about not getting surprise parties. There's nothing more exciting than finding out that people went through a lot of trouble to celebrate how much they love you.

Honestly, though, I shouldn't complain. It's no one's fault but my own.

I'm such a booger.

Work It On Out

So I've been working out regularly for a month now, and it's amazing how fast my body is changing! Not appearance-wise; in that regard, it's amazing how fast it's not changing. I've only lost 2 lbs. But stamina-wise, I'm on fire.

I've been logging my activities every day at presidentschallenge.com, and looking back over the past month, I'm definitely doing a lot more now than I was then.

Four weeks ago, I was working out 45-60 minutes a day.

Now, it's weird if I don't work out at least 90 minutes a day.

Four weeks ago, my goal every day was to burn at least 250 calories per workout.

Now, I'm upset with myself if I don't hit at least 600.

Four weeks ago, I was basically speed-walking on the treadmill, biking at a level 1, and... that was it.

Now, I spend at least half of my time on the treadmill running, I bike at a level 6 or 7, and I also do 15-20 minutes going as hard as I can on the eliptical machine.

Four weeks ago, my legs (especially my shins) hurt so bad after a workout that I could barely walk the next day.

Now, my shins ache a little but it's not holding me back or slowing me down in any way. They pretty much only ache when I try to sit on them while kneeling.

I have enough energy to chase Evie, take her to the playground, dance with her in the kitchen, and play games with her that normally would exhaust me.

I sleep better at night, and get more accomplished during the day.

I've made lots of friends at the gym that I get to socialize with every day.

I haven't been even a little bit sick since I started working out. (Coincidence? Okay, maybe)

Most importantly, I feel fantastic. It's a great sense of accomplishment, to look back over your workout and realize that you've run a mile and a half, walked another mile, gone 7 miles on a bike and done almost two miles on an eliptical - and burned 700 calories.

Yeah, it's kind of annoying that my body isn't looking as good as it feels, but as my endurance increases and I burn more and more calories, the weight is going to have to come off, right? I just hope I can lose those 6 lbs. or so I'm trying to get rid of before Ben's pilot graduation. It's in three and a half weeks!

Wish me luck!

Clarification

Just for the record, I do NOT hate pregnant women, and I especially don't hate my friends who are pregnant. I know there are some of you who read this blog and are pregnant, and I don't want you to think that I'm mad at you or anything! I'm really not, I swear. It's more the fact that everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant while I've been struggling for more than 2 years now. It's not a personal thing at ALL. The people I block on Facebook are the ones who I don't know very well, and who can't help but talk about their pregnancies CONSTANTLY. I would never block any of you who I consider close friends. I love you way too much for that. I know your struggles, I know what you've gone through in the past, and I'm nothing but 100% happy for you. So please don't think you shouldn't talk to me, don't think that I hate you, and please don't avoid me or anything like that. I'm truly, sincerely, completely happy for you guys. Don't let my problems put a damper on your happiness! I love you guys more than I hate being infertile, if that makes sense. Please don't take anything in my last post as a personal attack, I never, NEVER meant that.

And hey - I AM feeling better today! (See the picture? I'm fine!) I knew I would be. The last couple of days were just like the perfect storm. My period was starting, so once again I knew I wasn't pregnant, which was depressing. On top of that, the crazy hormones made me way more emotional than usual. On top of THAT, I had a couple more random people on Facebook announce pregnancies. It just kind of grew and grew until I exploded. You should have seen me bawling all over Ben's shirt last night! Pathetic. Poor guy, he has to deal with this about once every 4 weeks - although, it's not usually this bad. It just seems like everything came together at exactly the same time this week, to make me really, really, depressed. I'm back to normal today, though! And I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings with what I said yesterday, I never intended that. I was just venting.

I hope that clears things up.