This has led me to a deeper understanding of who my husband is. I always knew he was a good man, but I'm not sure I ever realized how good a man he really is.
He's not a stereotypical guy. Because of this, actually, he often doesn't feel like he really fits in or relates to the guys he works with, who are mostly type-A military guys. He doesn't care much about sports (unless it's BYU football, or the World Cup). He doesn't drink, or brag about his sex life. He doesn't swear or yell or crack a lot of jokes. He doesn't like deployments, or even love his job like a lot of military guys do. He doesn't spend all his time at work. He prefers to be home. And while he makes a good leader when it's required, he doesn't actively seek opportunities to be in charge.
My husband is a bit introverted. He's a thinker, and a listener. He enjoys classical music, musical theater, and even ballet. He sings like a (very manly) angel. He quotes movies. He wants to learn karate - and the flute. He plays nerdy video games, and Dungeons and Dragons (when he has the chance). He's passionate about the subject of marriage, and what makes a good marriage work. He loves our daughter, and would be perfectly happy to have a whole flock of daughters, even if it means he never has a son. And he wants a lot of kids. He can shoot a gun with great accuracy, and he'll stand up for other people when needed, but he's not remotely violent.
He's all kinds of contradictions. Not at all a stereotypical guy. But the best part about him is, he's totally comfortable in his own skin. He doesn't feel the need to compare himself with other guys. And he doesn't really care what they think of him.
He was talking with an Army guy a few weeks back and mentioned his love of classical music, theater, opera, and ballet. The guy, a stereotypical alpha male, got a bit uncomfortable and looked for something to say about how "that kind of thing is okay in the military now."
He was, of course, assuming that my husband is gay. Because obviously there's no way a straight guy could possible enjoy those kinds of things.
Ben made a mild attempt to correct him, mentioning that our daughter is a ballet dancer and how he's proud she's following in his footsteps. But the guy was set in his conclusion.
Ben could have whipped out a family picture, or started bragging about his beautiful wife, but instead, he just let it go. He didn't really care what this guy thought of him. It didn't bother him, or make him feel threatened to have his sexuality questioned like that. He's completely secure in his manhood, even when others assume otherwise.
He might be embarrassed to have me tell this story. I hope not, because I don't think it's embarrassing at all. To the contrary, it makes me proud to have a husband who is so secure in himself that he doesn't try to change himself to fit other people's perceptions of what he should be. He is who he is, and he's completely comfortable that way.
That, to me, is a sign of a real man.
More than that, though, I've learned how deep his respect for women truly goes. He's always treated me like a goddess. He's crazy about me, and always sensitive to what I feel or need. And he's completely respectful of me. He never notices other women - not even in magazines or on posters or TV. Well, I'm sure he sees them, but he doesn't objectify them. They don't catch his eye the way I do. I'm literally the only person in the world who does. I've loved that about him since day one.
But I've learned that this isn't just because of his deep, abiding love for me (although that's certainly part of it). My husband truly respects women. He doesn't get angry or terribly vocal about a lot of things, being a fairly introverted guy. But when it comes to the way women are treated, he can go bat-crap crazy on a guy.
There have been changes being made throughout the military to try and stop the objectification of women among the troops. This is so that women who join the armed forces will feel safer and more comfortable. As it is, the military is a bit of a boys' club. While most of the men are decent, respectful guys, you do get the occasional neanderthal types who think they can do whatever they want with any woman they want and it's okay. The military is trying to take steps to prevent that attitude. This includes getting rid of any sexist posters or reading material, and setting rules about not telling racy, off-color jokes and stories.
Most of the guys understand the reasoning behind the rule changes, and are accepting and respectful of it, even if they disagree. A few, though, are vocal about how stupid they think the rules are. They prefer to brag about their exploits, and tell degrading stories and jokes.
There's one guy in particular who Ben works with who is a real loud-mouth. He's fairly sexist, and has little respect for women. He has a friend who was "falsely accused" of raping a girl. Granted, the only evidence he has that it was a false accusation is his friend's word. But he will tell anyone who listens about this girl who ruined his friend's life by crying rape, and then talk about how awful and manipulative women are, and how they shouldn't tease a guy and then cry rape. That kind of thing.
Ben's response the first time he heard the story was this: "Your friend is a rapist." He didn't make excuses for the guy, or nod sympathetically about how terrible women are. He immediately sided with the poor girl who had been raped.
Obviously, none of us knows the full story behind what really happened. But all too often women are accused of lying about rape, when the fact is that most women who cry rape do so because they were raped. I love that my husband doesn't side with those who try to excuse it as something less. He sides with the women.
When we were talking the other day, he sent me a link to a page he was reading on a similar subject. You can find the link here. It's a "change my view" post on Reddit, by a guy who was trying aggressive techniques to get women to go out with him - based on techniques he'd found through an extremely sexist, rapey online group that basically targets women. He wanted to know if there was really something wrong with his aggressive techniques, because hey! It seemed to work!
The part that really interested Ben was the response from a woman who explained exactly why the technique was a creepy load of crap. She talked about the "fight or flight" response a woman feels when being manhandled by a (bigger, stronger, faster) male. She talked about how women often freeze up because they don't know what to do.
Ben was, of course, completely on her side. He and I have talked before about how most women have at least one experience in their life where they're "attacked" by a man in some way or another, even if it never goes so far as rape. I myself can think of at least two separate occasions where I felt like my wishes were ignored, and a guy pressed himself on me - one, to the point where I was actually assaulted. Both times I froze, not knowing what to do. My response was exactly as the women wrote in response to the link above.
My whole life, in the years since those incidents, I've wished I could have reacted more quickly, and done things differently. Now, because of that article (and my sweet husband for pointing it out), I know that it was in no way my fault. It's not my fault I froze, and didn't know what to do. And the fact that, in both instances, I was able to get out of the situation, is something I should be proud of.
When I discussed this with Ben, he was 100% on my side. From the beginning, even before I had this epiphany myself, he knew these stories and always placed the blame squarely on the men who ignored my wishes. And he does the same any time he hears a similar story.
My husband respects women, and sees us as a rare, beautiful treasure. Old, young, pretty, plain, smart, dull, fat, thin - he is on our side, no matter who we are, what we look like, or what our circumstances may be. That doesn't mean that he always thinks I'm right about everything, or that women can't ever make mistakes or do stupid things. We're people, after all, and imperfect. But when it comes to sexism, assault, abuse, or rape, he always sides with the women. And he doesn't put up with crude jokes, innuendos, or anything else from the guys at work.
He respects women. Genuinely. His parents raised him well. I'm so impressed by my husband. I always knew he was a sweet, loving, gentle, decent guy. I just never knew he was such an advocate for women. It just makes me love him even more.
So even though he prefers ballet to football; theater tickets over concert tickets; World of Warcraft over Halo; being with his family instead of hanging with the guys, I can honestly say that in spite of what anyone else might say, he is the very definition of a real man. He knows who he is, he's comfortable in his own skin, and he doesn't feel like he has to prove anything to anyone. He respects women and treasures his wife and daughter.
What more could a girl really want in a man? :)
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