To Thine Own Self Be True

I was video chatting with my husband the other night, and he was telling me a bit about the psychology classes he was taking for the Master's degree he's working on. He told me that studies show that girls are more likely to be influenced by their peers than boys are.

She made me do this. (j/k)

I found that interesting, although once I thought about it, it wasn't so surprising. Most guys won't spend time hanging out with another person that they hate. Boys are very open. Very honest. Very blunt. If they don't like something - or someone - they avoid it. If there's another guy they think is a jerk, they certainly don't waste their time and energy trying to suck up to the jerk and win his favor. It's more like they just... coexist.

Granted, this isn't always the case. But as a general rule, boys are more up front about what they think or what they like. They don't change their fundamental nature much. For the most part, they are who they are.

Someone said she needed "more color"

Girls are different. And I think that's part of why they're so much more easily influenced by their friends. Girls are creatures of emotion. And those emotions are often all over the place due to hormones - especially when they're growing up. They want to belong. They want people to approve of them. They want to be popular, and pretty, and desirable. This means that they'll often change themselves to fit someone else's standards. And all too often, they'll do things that they're not that comfortable with, just because a "friend" is encouraging it.

Girls are more manipulative than boys, too. Again, this is all exaggeration - not every girl is like that. But it's more common in girls. That's why there are so many studies on "Queen Bees." Girls will subtly manipulate one another to get others to do what they want. And if you don't do what they want you to do, these queen bees will shut you out. They'll spread lies about you, or threaten you, or get all of their friends to reject you.

*Not a real queen bee

I've seen it happen before. It isn't nice. It isn't pretty. But it's something that is, more or less, uniquely female.

I think the queen bee syndrome ties in with why girls are more easily influenced. There's just something about us that is much more sensitive. We want approval from our friends. We want to belong. It really bothers us when people don't like us.

When it comes to girls, there's a "type" on which the world is bent on selling everyone. You have to be pretty, and talented, and fun, and sweet, and good at everything you do, or you're not worth anything. The world has trained girls to seek the approval of everyone around them. We're being held to an impossible standard, and we get really down on ourselves when we fall short. And all too often, we're even harder on each other. We spend way too much time comparing ourselves to other people.

"Feed me approval!"

It's sad. Why should we care so much what the rest of the world thinks of us? Friends are important, yes, but who wants friends that manipulate you and make you feel bad about yourself? That's not friendship.

And it starts so young. My good friend was telling me the other day about her daughter. She had given her daughter permission to buy a hot lunch at school that day. She asked her daughter what she was going to get. Her daughter said that she had to get whatever her friends were getting, or she wouldn't be allowed to sit with them at lunch.

This little girl is in kindergarten! And already she's being manipulated by her "friends." It reminds me of the scene in Mean Girls, where they say that anyone in their group who wears sweat pants to school is not allowed to sit with them at lunch. When I saw it in the movie, I thought it was a gross exaggeration.

Apparently not.

Lead by example!

This is not okay. As a mother with a daughter, I really want to teach my daughter how to be her own self, free from the influence of others. Fortunately, the study also shows that parents have a huge amount of influence in their children's lives (girls and boys), even when their kids are teenagers. As a parent, maybe there's something I can do.

I think the most important thing for me, and for all women to do, is to stop worrying about what other people think! Set the example for the rising generation. Show them that it's more fun to be yourself, to be your very best self, than it is to follow a herd mentality.

One of the biggest steps here is to genuinely love yourself! We all have insecurities. We all have imperfections. Most of us are a pound (or several) heavier than we'd like. We all have features that we're not thrilled about. Crooked teeth, love handles, zits, bow legs, whatever it is, we've all got something.

Awesome, just the way I am!

SO. WHAT????

Seriously? Who cares? One of the things that makes women attractive is confidence. And I don't just mean attractive to men, I mean attractive to everyone. If you want to be the kind of person that other people are drawn to, confidence is your greatest tool. Instead of focusing on your flaws, focus on the best things about yourself! If not for your own mental well-being, do it for your children! Little girls learn from their mothers. If they see mom being hard on herself and complaining about her flaws, the little girls will start to examine themselves with the same overly critical eye. They'll start seeing their own flaws, and obsessing about how they don't fit with the world's standard of beauty.

But if you lead by example, and show your daughter that you are beautiful and confident no matter what your flaws may be, she will grow up with much healthier self-esteem! You are her hero, and her example of what a woman should be. Show her that embracing your assets and ignoring your physical flaws is the best way to live! That doesn't mean you can't improve on those flaws. Just don't make her think you're doing it because you are unhappy with yourself. Show her what good self-esteem looks like.

Hot stuff. 

I've got about 30-40 lbs of extra weight, crooked teeth, a Charlie Brown face, and scars. But I've also got big, beautiful eyes, great hair, luscious curves, and a fun personality. Everyone probably has two similar lists - the bad and the good. Focus on the good! Be proud of who you are! Love yourself! If you pay attention to your good qualities, that's what other people will notice, too! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! Own that!

No princess costume for her!

The physical is only the start of things, though. Our bodies are amazing, wonderful, and vitally important to our lives, but they're only the shell. They don't really show who we are. That comes through our actions.

So, even more importantly than focusing on the great things about your physical appearance, focus on the wonderful things about YOU! Don't try to become what other people want you to be, or think you should be. Become the best version of who you already are.

When I say "the best version," I mean to keep improving. We all have room for improvement. We can all be a little kinder, a little less judgmental, a little more optimistic, a little more charitable. We can work on our weaknesses while still staying true to who we are at our very core.

So dorky.

I've always been goofy. I've always loved laughing, and doing ridiculous things. This means that, when I was in school (especially middle school, but also to an extent in high school), people thought I was weird. They pretty much thought I was a big, dorky weirdo. There were times when I didn't have many friends. I even went through a period of time in middle school where I tried to be "cool." I started swearing like a sailor, talking back to people, even dressing in (moderately) inappropriate clothes. I tried to become the person that other people wanted me to be.

Weird = Wonderful!

I was miserable. Looking back on that time in my life, my memories feel very dark and dismal. I had suppressed all the best parts of my personality, and replaced them with garbage.

Eventually, of course, I realized that I was being stupid. I recognized that I was much happier as a goofy, dorky weirdo than as a brooding "rebel." I stopped trying to be something I wasn't. I even adopted a pseudo-swear word ("smoo") that I replaced all of my real swear words with, to break my potty-mouth habit. It took a lot of work, but I felt so much better! And frankly, I sounded a lot more intelligent when I stopped swearing.

I realized that I didn't need to be popular. Even just having an awesome family and one or two good friends that loved me for who I am was enough.

Real friends have pie-eating contests

The best friends I've had in my life were the ones who embraced me for me. They countered my silliness with silliness of their own. They embraced the odd activities we did, and joined me in Weirdo World.

That is what real friends do.

Stay epic, Evie!

So I plead with my daughter and women everywhere to be true to yourselves. You are amazing! You have tons to offer! And the people who will love you the most will be the ones who love you for exactly who you already are. They won't want to change you. They'll build you up, make you more you. They'll make you want to be a better person, without changing any fundamentals of your personality. They'll help you become your very best self.

You are beautiful. You are incredible. You have the power to change lives and influence future generations. Show the girls today how amazing it is to be yourself. Prove to them that happiness doesn't come with blind conformity, it comes with embracing all the fun, quirky things that make you uniquely you. Love your body, love your quirks, love your strengths and even your flaws.

You are you. Own it!