All About Love

I can't even begin to describe my feelings over the past 24 hours.

It started yesterday when I had an appointment with a fertility specialist in Ft. Worth. I had already seen her a couple of times, and she even found and removed a fibroid from my uterus a few weeks ago. They'd run all the tests they could, and it was time to move forward with trying to get pregnant.

She told us that our best options were either IVF (which costs about $13,000) or IUI (which is about $4,000). Since we've been trying for so many years, they didn't feel it was feasible that we could get pregnant without one of these procedures.

So we decided to try IUI. We left the office with high hopes and paperwork for a medical financing company. $4,000 isn't a ton when compared to IVF or, say, a car; but it's still quite a bit more than we have lying around.

As soon as we got home, I filled out the application for medical financing. We have fairly good credit, we always pay our bills on time, and usually more than the minimum. We've been trying to get out of the debt we accumulated in college, so we've been pretty good about making our payments. I didn't see any reason why we shouldn't qualify for a mere $4,000 medical loan.

I thought about how we could try next month, and if it worked, I would have the baby next July. I had more hope than I've had in years, and my imagination just took off. July would be perfect - school would be out, so my mom could come out and be here for the birth. Ben wouldn't be deploying again until September, so I'd have his help for those first, exhausting months. It was perfect.

But then they denied our application for financing.

Never mind that it was only for $4,000. Never mind that we have decent credit, and always pay our bills on time. They felt that, overall, we still had too much debt. So they declined financing us. If we wanted the procedure, we'd have to raise the money ourselves.

When it comes to a loan, $4,000 isn't a whole lot. But when it comes to saving it up little by little, that kind of money can take a long time to earn. It could be a year or more before we were able to save that much.

I'll admit it, I cried. I found out that we were denied, just as we were leaving the house to take Evie to dance class. She asked me why I was crying, and I tried to explain the situation in a way that she could understand. She was very quiet for a minute, then she said, "I don't need a DS. You can have the money I've been saving for my DS, and keep my allowance and the money I make from my chores."

Naturally, this made me cry even harder. What an amazing kid! I told her, no, of course. It's her money, and we would find another way to earn the $4,000 ourselves. But I was incredibly touched by her generosity. It got me thinking. If my almost-6-year-old is willing to help me out, why not see if there are other people willing to help, too?

My plan was to earn the money through making cheese balls, taking family pictures, and teaching music lessons. I hoped that people would allow me to do those things for them because of my situation, where otherwise they might choose someone else or opt out of pictures/cheese balls/music lessons altogether. I'm not above a little begging, I guess.

And almost immediately people were asking me to take pictures and all that good stuff for them. I was very touched. Then, people started offering other ways to get me money, from donating the proceeds of Tupperware, Scentsy, and Thirty One parties; to donating plasma and giving me the money; to just straight up donating money. My friend, Juleigh, even offered to encourage people to donate money by promising to shave her head when we reached our goal! Hopefully we can avoid that, though, as Juleigh has very pretty hair and I would miss it.

Within 24 hours I went from high hopes, to despair, to feeling incredibly loved. I had no idea that there were so many people who cared about me. I had no idea that so many people were so generous and selfless! I have felt so much love in the past 24 hours, it's blown my mind.

It still may take a while to raise the money, but I have hope again. There are too many people rooting for me, praying for me, and giving of themselves to help me, for me to despair again. How can I be sad when I've witnessed such an incredible outpouring of love? I am so ridiculously blessed. Thank you to everyone who has given me back my hope.

And if anyone reads this blog and wants to donate, here's the link to a page my friend, Juleigh, set up for accepting donations. I didn't know she was doing it, but once again, I'm left feeling honored, blessed, and loved. :)

A Sudden Rush of Clarity

I was thinking today about the struggle my husband and I have had for the past five years with infertility.

It's been a long, often grueling road. There have been times where I hid from pregnant friends, or cursed every time I saw a pregnancy announcement. There were times when I knew for a FACT that a particular month was IT, and I was going to finally get pregnant again! ...only to be disappointed. There were numerous occasions when I cried through my prayers, begging God to bless me with more children, and wondering if He wasn't because of some unworthiness on my part.

The talented ladies of Women at the Well

But for the most part, this journey has been a good one. Not easy, no, but I've learned and grown leaps and bounds. I've become a little kinder, a little more charitable, a little more loving. I've certainly learned to appreciate the adorable little miracle I already have. I've grown closer to my husband, and to my Savior. I'm still far, far from perfect, but I do feel like I've become a better person than I used to be. I don't think that kind of growth would have been possible without this trial, or something equally excruciating. So I try to take the whole process with a thankful heart.

Thora and Allison at our Spitfire Grill cast party

Obviously, there are still times when the pain comes back in full force. Fortunately, those times are much fewer and further between than they used to be. But it does still happen.

Today I had one of those moments, just kind of out of the blue. I suspect that the crazy hormones from the birth control I'm on may have had something to do with it, but whatever caused it, it happened. It sucked. And it passed.


After the waterworks stopped, I was thinking about my infertility and everything that I've learned during this trial. And I had an incredible moment of clarity.

At Buffalo Wild Wings with one of my favorite people, Shea

God has a plan for all of us. He knows exactly what we need, and when we need it. He sees the whole picture, while we just see a tiny fraction. His timing is perfect. I have learned to really believe that. But today, I really began to understand why I've had this trial, and why the timing of having babies has been different for me than for almost all of my friends.

If I had been able to pop out kids at the rate my friends do, what would I be doing with my time? I'd be taking care of kids 24 hours a day. I wouldn't be able to put time and energy into extra things, like theater and music, especially with a husband who is gone so much.

I never would have done Spitfire Grill, and I wouldn't be doing Little Shop of Horrors now. I wouldn't have put together the Women at the Well performance for Easter. Ben and I probably wouldn't have tried out for Abilene Idol. I wouldn't be teaching music lessons, or taking pictures for people. I wouldn't have been able to help out much at Evie's school like I did last year.

The gorgeous Doo-Wop girls of Skid Row

To put it bluntly, I wouldn't know half of the people that I know!

And isn't life all about our experiences? We become the people we do because of the friends we make, the things we do, the experiences we have.

I wouldn't be who I am today without all of those people I've met, and all of those interactions I've had.

Little Shop of Horrors, baby!

And it's not just about me. Maybe God let me have this struggle with infertility not only so I could learn things from all of the people I've met, but so that I could, in some small way, change people's lives myself.

If I've uplifted any of the people I've been privileged to meet, if I've helped them somehow, if I've improved their life in any minuscule way, I think it was worth it.

I know meeting those people and getting to know them has been a blessing for me. And if I've been a blessing for them in return, so much the better.

God's timing is perfect. He knows exactly what He's doing. And now I understand a little bit better why I've had this challenge in my life. I am incredibly blessed to know all the people that I do, and I wouldn't give any of them up. Not for anything in the world.

I know those babies will come someday, when the time is right. But for now, I'm exactly where I need to be, with the friends I'm supposed to know.

Look out! She's got a pie and she knows how to use it!

 
And I love you all.