A Downer of a Blog

Okay, I'll admit it straight up: This blog entry will be seriously lacking in sunshine and roses.

I think part of the reason for this is that I'm currently on birth control, and it's seriously messing with my hormones. Add to that the fact that I really, REALLY don't want to be on birth control (five years trying for a baby, anyone?), and my emotions are just a mess. I'm cranky, I'm tired, I'm emotional, and I feel pretty much worthless. I am NOT a fan of birth control pills. 'Nuff said.

So yeah, I have a hard time being positive about things these days. I just feel too crappy. But sometimes venting helps, so I'm going to vent a little bit. If you don't want to read it, that's fine, but I'm going to write it and I'm going to post it so that anyone who might be in a similar situation will know that they're not alone. We all go through crappy stuff, we all get emotional about things, and I'm sure there are people who can relate.

I was reading the news (BIG mistake, I know. I usually avoid it), and I saw an article about how the GOP was trying to pass legislation to make gender-based abortions illegal. It didn't pass. I guess their thing was that they were trying to save all the baby girls whose parents choose to abort because they want a boy. I don't think there's a whole lot of people who do that anymore, but it does happen. Sick, but true.

I have to say, abortion is an issue that makes me sick at heart as it is. Never mind my own infertility, although that adds to it greatly, for sure. But the idea that there are women out there who consider their growing baby a parasite or a tumor rather than a potential human being is just too sad for words. Now, I'm not of the school of thought that says "abortions are ALWAYS evil," I believe there are instances when they are understandable. For example, if the mother's life is in jeopardy, and she chooses to abort so that she can live, I understand that. Or if the pregnancy is a result of rape, or incest, or anything like that. I totally can live with abortion under those circumstances. I probably wouldn't do it myself, but I understand it. I don't agree with aborting a child because it's sick, because I believe that even a brief life is worth living, but I can also understand how people might want to spare their child the pain of living with certain health conditions. Again, I don't agree with that one, but I can understand it.

But in normal circumstances, with healthy mothers and children, I think abortion is flat-out sick. And the idea that some people choose to abort their beautiful baby girls solely because they're FEMALE is disgusting.

I've addressed this before, and I'll say it again: If you don't want your baby, or don't think you can take care of it, GIVE IT UP FOR ADOPTION. It's the most selfless thing you can do. You're not only giving your child a chance at life, you're giving a baby to a family who desperately wants one, and maybe (like me) has a hard time having their own. I know, nine months of discomfort seems like a poor deal for a baby you're not planning to keep, but I don't think anyone would ever regret doing it. The joy that they would bring to the family who adopts their child, and the joy they would feel at bringing that life into the world would more than make up for the discomfort of pregnancy.

I know many people who were adopted. I can't imagine how different my life, and the lives of their loved ones would be if their mothers had chosen to abort them.

I want more children so desperately that, if I think about it too much, I end up in tears. I feel the absence of those children, and it breaks my heart. I long for them with a literal pain that's deep and profound. And the thought of women in the world taking a pregnancy for granted, and just choosing to have that life cut out of them like a tumor... It kills me. It really does.

I can't imagine life without my daughter. I can't imagine how much more empty and sad it would be if I had aborted her. She is a part of my soul. I wouldn't trade her for all the success, power, fame and money in the world.

I don't think people understand where happiness really comes from. It's nice to have a lucrative career, or to be famous, or to make a lot of money. But in the end, while those things may bring momentary satisfaction, they're really empty. What's the point of having money and success if you don't have anyone you love to share it with?

Love is what brings us joy. Family can make us happier than anything else in the world. If people would put their families first, and if spouses would always think of each other before themselves, I really think we could bring about world peace. The family is the center of a person's life, their upbringing, and who they become as adults. And people are what make the world what it is. Can you imagine what an amazing world we'd be living in if people put more focus on family and less on shallow, empty things like money?

I'll jump off my soapbox now, but let me just end with this: We live in a messed up world, where adultery is winked at, divorce is the norm, and abortion is applauded. The only way to change that is in the family, as we raise our children.

So let's choose to raise them!

And let's raise them to be better than us.

Can you imagine a world without this gorgeous little angel?

Seven Years in Heaven

Today is my seventh wedding anniversary. I'm married to the most wonderful man alive. Unfortunately, we can't be together for our anniversary. He's doing six months of military training in another state, and I'm very busy with other obligations this weekend. We just couldn't make it work out so that we could celebrate the day together.

I'm writing this blog to try and compensate a little bit for that fact. When we first got married, we set a goal that we would try and go on an overnight trip for every anniversary, even if it was just to a local hotel. We would paint "Just Married" on the back of the car and act like a couple of newlyweds. Obviously, that's not the kind of thing that works out every year, especially when you're married to an Air Force officer. There are times when he's just not around. We just have to do the best we can. So in honor of our anniversary, I'm dedicating a blog to my husband. It's literally the least I could do, but I couldn't stand to see the day go by without doing something.

Ben and I were married seven years ago in the Idaho Falls, ID temple. Because we were married in the temple, that means we were sealed together for time and all eternity. I know a lot of my non-Mormon friends will be a little bit baffled by that terminology, so in case they read this, I'll try to explain. In Matthew 16:19 it says, "And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."

The keys of the kingdom is referring to the priesthood of God. It's the same priesthood that the prophets had, that the Savior Himself used. It's the power of God on earth. After Christ's death and the deaths of the apostles, there was chaos, and men lost the priesthood. It was taken from the earth. The teachings of Christ were mingled with the opinions of man and turned into something new. Different, opposing churches - all of whom professed to follow Christ - popped up, teaching different doctrine from one another. No one seemed able to agree. Even today, few churches agree on what they believe. There are even people of the same congregations who believe different things from one another. There's a lot of confusion.

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believe that in the 1800's, the priesthood was finally restored. We believe that God chose a new prophet to restore Christ's church to the earth. His name was Joseph Smith. And under Christ's direction, the gospel - Christ's gospel, the same one He taught during His ministry - was returned to the earth. And with the gospel, the priesthood.

If it seems confusing or far-fetched, I understand. But I believe that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. If He could choose prophets to do His work, give people direction and revelation, and perform miracles among men in the past, why would He cease to do so today? I don't believe He would. I believe that the heavens are still open, and that God still takes a direct hand in the teaching and leading of His children. I believe that prophets still exist today. I believe that Christ Himself leads our church, through direction given to His prophet, currently Thomas S. Monson. And I believe that President Monson holds the priesthood. All worthy men in our church are able to receive and use the priesthood. My father has it. My brothers have it. And my husband has it. Having the priesthood in my home has been an incredible blessing. I can't tell you the number of times that it has helped our family, from helping me receive guidance from the Lord, to healing me or my family members when we've been sick.

If you have any questions about it, or about any aspects of our faith, I would encourage you to go to mormon.org. On that website, regular, everyday members of our church share their testimonies and offer explanation for any questions you may have. We don't know if you've looked at the site, we won't be tracking you down. ;) It's just a way for you to get some honest answers to your questions without having to talk to a live, in-your-face person. It's completely anonymous for people who visit the website. And if you don't know about the church, I would encourage you to check it out. There are a LOT of misconceptions about us out there, and we're not afraid to let people know what the truth about us is. We'd rather people were truly informed about us, than have all those crazy rumors circulating! If you want to see my page, it's http://mormon.org/me/512Z/. Feel free to look around!

Anyway, because we have the priesthood, eternal marriages are possible. When we get married in the temple, by someone with the proper priesthood authority, our marriage does not only bind us to one another on earth, it binds us in heaven. Just as it says in Matthew! We call it being "sealed" to each other. And because our union is sealed, any children we have will also be sealed to us.

It's one of the most incredibly beautiful aspects of the gospel! Families can - and will! - be together, as family units, FOREVER!!!! God gave us our families for a reason. He knows that families should be about love. He loves us, and He wants us to have joy. How can we have joy in the life to come if we're separated from our families? Can you imagine getting to the other side with your spouse and children, and being told, "Sorry, they're not your spouse and children anymore. That family bond you had is over. Consider yourselves friends and acquaintances now"? That wouldn't be heaven! That would be hell!!! Heaven isn't heaven unless I have my family with me. And because I was sealed to my family in the temple on my wedding day, as long as we live righteous lives, I will be with my family for eternity! Ben will always be my husband, and Evie will always be my daughter. She'll have her own husband and children, of course, but she will still be my daughter, just as I am my parents' daughter. My heart is overflowing with joy, just thinking about it! God is good! He knew exactly what would make us the most happy when He arranged His great plan for us all. I'm so grateful to Him for His goodness, and I am forever in His debt.

My husband is the best person I've ever known. And I've known a lot of people. I've lived all over the world. I've met all types of people, in all kinds of places. And hands down, my husband is by far the most incredible man alive. It's so hard being separated from him, I'm not going to lie. The worst, of course, is when he deploys. Sending him off into danger is never an easy thing. But at least I can rest a little easier in the knowledge that, even if something terrible happens to him, he will forever be my husband, and I will forever be his wife. Our union will carry on through eternity.

It kind of makes "'til death do you part" sound like a bit of a curse, doesn't it? If you knew that marriages could continue on for eternity, would it be enough to settle for this life, and this life only?

Not for me.

I love my husband. He's selfless, patient, kind, sweet, handsome, smart, and talented. He treats me like a queen, and looks at me as if I were the most beautiful creature alive. He shows his love in millions of little ways every day. He's an incredible father, too. I know that Evie sees how Ben treats me, and will want the same thing for herself when she gets married. He's setting the bar very high for her future boyfriends, and I wouldn't have it any other way! Evie deserves nothing less.

Ben is my better half. He makes me a better person. He completes my soul. He fulfills the deepest desires of my heart. I can't imagine eternity without him, and I'm so grateful that I don't have to.

I love you, Ben. Happy anniversary.

All the Drama

Being an adult, I've decided, is exhausting. At least, being an adult who has a social life is exhausting.

I'm not talking about partying until the wee hours of the morning. I don't really do that anyway. I'm talking about all the drama that goes on between people.

I go to church. I have all my life. And the people I attend church with are, for the most part, wonderful. They're caring, kind, and look out for each other. But every once in a while, stuff happens between people. Bad feelings come up. And the drama begins.

I try to avoid the conflict. I don't listen to the "he says/she says." No one gossips to me, and I'm grateful for that. But I still see the effects of the bitter feelings, the heartache and pain.

It stresses me out.

Seriously, people, we're supposed to be better than this! We're supposed to live Christlike lives, and try to emulate Him! The backstabbing and gossip has GOT to STOP!!!!

Now, don't get me wrong. I know that most people at church are there for the right reasons, and trying to live their lives the right way. They're good, decent, hardworking people. But when drama like this crops up, you can feel it spreading almost like a poison through the whole group. It raises everyone's stress levels big time. People start whispering behind backs. Strong opinions are formed with little information. It brings the entire group down, down, down - even those who are trying to avoid all the conflict.

I'm one of those. I don't want to deal with the pettiness! So I'm taking a stand, and asking all of you to do as President Uchtdorf told us to in his General Conference talk. "When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

"Stop it!"

Seriously! We're adults! It's time to stop acting like middle-schoolers! Taking a stab at someone else is NOT going to make you feel better! Spreading rumors won't bring you satisfaction! Sharing gory details of other people's pain and suffering won't make your life seem better! It will just make you more bitter and miserable!

And this goes for everyone involving themselves in the drama, not just the people who are right in the middle of it. Everyone needs to learn to be a little kinder, a little more forgiving, a little more Christlike.

For those right in the middle of it all, though, I get that it's the hardest for you. But YOU can choose how you're going to handle it! If you're dealing with a lot of negative feelings, the best way to deal with it is to take it to the Lord and let Him heal your wounds. Let Him carry you for a while. It probably won't happen right away, but you'll definitely notice that you're more at peace. You'll be less inclined to lash out at others, and have an easier time forgiving those who hurt you.

Even if you're incredibly mad at the other person, if you turn to God and let Him take away your anger, you'll not only feel better, you'll become a better person.

It's really your choice. When we're given a trial in life, we can choose one of two paths: We can let that trial bring us down, make us miserable, and put us a little bit more in Satan's grasp; or we can let that trial make us stronger, more faithful, and closer to God.

Life isn't easy. Heaven knows, we all go through some seriously crappy stuff. But how we deal with that stuff determines what kind of people we become.

Personally, my goal is to become as much like Christ as I possibly can. I can't do that if I'm letting my pain and challenges bring me down. And neither can you.

In conclusion, I repeat those wise words from President Uchtdorf:

"STOP IT!!!"

I'm Cassie Fifield, and I approve this message!!!

The Worst Words

I've noticed a disturbing trend lately. Although I know it's been going on for a while, I first really noticed it with Colton on Survivor, who, if you've watched this season at all, you know is pretty much the worst human being on the planet. He insults people based on their race, financial status, physical defects, intelligence, you name it. And he frequently does it to their faces. He also spends so much of his time rolling his eyes at other people's comments that I'm worried his eyes will eventually fall out of his skull. Well, not so much worried. It would really serve him right.

But one of the things I noticed him saying a few times was, "Go kill yourself."

I was horrified. It was one of the most insulting, heartless, terrible things I had ever heard another person say. And it's not like he just said it once! He said it multiple times, to (or about) multiple people! Which suggests that this isn't just a one-time, emotion-fueled insult. He actually makes a habit of saying it to people whom he dislikes or disagrees with. He's almost casual about it.

Then, reading comments online lately, someone POSTED that very same thing in response to another poster who they probably had never met or interacted with before! They had a difference of opinion, so the one told the other to go kill herself.

Again, the casualness of the whole exchange screams of habit. I can't imagine saying it to another human being a single time, much less saying it so often that you think it's no big deal!

I'd heard stories about bullies saying that kind of thing to other kids in school. That was awful enough, but hearing grown men and women say it to each other now just infuriated me. Shouldn't we have grown past that kind of casual evil as we grew up???

I mean, think about it. Are there any worse words you can say to another person? It's not a threat, because you're inferring that the person you're insulting isn't actually worth your time or energy. You would never act violently towards them. They're not worth it. But at the same time, they clearly are so awful and undeserving of anything good that they should really just do everybody a favor and end their own life. It comes with the implied message, "No one will miss you. If anything, they'll be relieved that you're gone."

It makes me so sick and furious that I'm shaking just thinking about it. And this trend of casual cruelty is becoming very prevalent in our society, sick as it is.

I was watching a preview for the documentary "Bully," which follows several children through school as they're tormented by bigger, meaner kids (and even sometimes teachers). One of the story lines is about a little boy who was teased and tormented in school. One of the things he was told repeatedly by his classmates was, "Go kill yourself."

So he did.

He was eleven years old.

Eleven! He was just a baby! He was barely out of elementary school, if that! The fact that this sweet little boy chose to end his own life because of the torment he was going through with his peers devastates me.

And the fact of the matter is this: If people hadn't been repeatedly telling him to kill himself, and inferring such disdain and indifference about his existence... do you think he would have committed suicide?

My guess would be no.

In case any of my readers have any doubt about the matter, let me clear it up for you now. It is NEVER, in ANY situation, or to ANY kind of person, appropriate to tell someone to go kill themselves. IT IS NEVER OKAY!!!

I don't care how much you dislike a person, or how mad they make you, or how terribly they treat you. If they're genuinely threatening your life, that's different. If you're in danger, you of course should defend yourself however necessary. But saying "go kill yourself" isn't a defense mechanism. It's sole purpose and design is to make someone feel so unworthy, so unloved, so unimportant, that they no longer want to live.

I repeat, it is NEVER okay.

And heaven help anyone I hear saying that to another person. I don't care if you're my child, or someone else's child, or a freaking adult who ought to know better. I will rip you a new one. It takes a lot to set me off on a person, but that would absolutely do it. It's the most cruel, callous, evil thing one person can say to another. And I will not stand by and let it go unanswered.

And I hope that all of you will join with me in taking a stand against this and every other kind of torment. The reason people get bullied and mistreated is because no one is willing to stand up and fight for them. If you see someone at school, church or work being treated badly, make an effort to befriend them. Even if they smell weird, or act weird, or don't look very nice. We are all God's children, and all of our lives have worth. And if anyone needs the joy and love that comes with friendship, it's those who are scorned and tormented on a regular basis. Don't sit silently by and watch it happen. Have the courage to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.

And please, PLEASE teach your children that they should NEVER tell another person to "go kill themselves". Let's end this trend of casual cruelty, and do everything in our power to ensure that it never happens again.

Heartache - A Poem About Infertility

This is dedicated to all of the women who ever have, or ever will be in my shoes. Infertility - even secondary infertility, like mine - is an incredibly difficult cross to bear, and I definitely think it's okay if we just need to break down and cry sometimes. 

You can always be strong again tomorrow. 

**********

My heart is aching, eyes are wet,
Sometimes I wish I could forget.
Not be reminded every day
Of things too painful to convey.

I smile so big and act so strong,
Most people don’t know something’s wrong.
That underneath my cheerful air,
My soul is weeping in despair.

My husband tries to bear the load;
Relieve my burden on life’s road.
But behind his smile, I see a frown.
I wonder if I’ve let him down?

I know he’s hurting, just like me.
How different his own path could be!
If he had wed a different wife,
Would he have had more joy in life?

But, no, he loves me; that I know.
He’d never choose to let me go.
Through thick and thin, he’s by my side,
Exactly as he would decide.

My daughter prays in bed each night,
For God to change her lonely plight.
She plays alone, she’s often blue.
My struggle is her sorrow, too.

She asks me almost every day,
When things will finally go her way?
My heart breaks every time she asks.
I cannot give her what she lacks.

Most days I’m strong. My faith is sure.
I try with patience to endure.
But being strong has got its cost,
For there are days when strength is lost;

When doubts creep in, and then reside
Inside my thoughts where I can’t hide.
They eat away at faith and hope,
Until I can no longer cope.

What if I’m broken? Can’t be healed?
What if my heavy fate is sealed?
My hopes, so high, once more will fall.
What if I can’t be fixed at all?

Each time this trial seems nearly done,
Another problem has begun.
I work to keep despair at bay,
But anguish drives my hope away.

Most days I’m fine, my smile is real.
But days like this need time to heal.
These painful days when faith is low
Can deal my heart a heavy blow.

So, for today, my strength is weak.
My heart may ache, my eyes may leak.
But peace and faith can follow sorrow.

I will be strong again tomorrow.

Tribute to Mary

Is it just me, or does Christmas feel like it came about two months early this year? It does not feel like Christmastime to me. I've been struggling to get into the spirit of the holiday as a result.

But don't get me wrong, I still love Christmas. It truly is the very best time of the year. I've had the privilege of putting together two Christmas programs for my church this year - one for our ward Christmas party, and one for Christmas Day.

It's been incredibly rewarding to be a part of all that. Nothing brings the Spirit like music does, so naturally, I included a lot of it in both programs.

The first one was performed at our ward party back at the beginning of the month. I originally wanted to get a young couple in our ward with a brand-new baby to play Mary and Joseph, but they weren't sure they would be able to come. So I tried another couple, who also had a baby. But they were going to be doing something else for the party that night, and wouldn't be able to play Mary and Joseph. So, it ended up being my husband and me playing the parts, with the loan of another couple's baby as the infant Jesus.

I've always loved Mary. In every account in the scriptures that involves her, she comes across as a woman of incredible faith, grace, and courage. In the next life, she's one of the people I most would like to meet. This is a woman who, as a mere girl, accepted the charge to become the mother of the Son of God. I can't even imagine how incredible and terrifying that must have been. Aside from the whole "unwed mother" thing, and the gossip and scorn that came with it, there was the prospect of having to raise the Son of God. Mothers are the greatest influence in their children's lives, and raising any child is a challenge. To raise the Savior... that had to have been an awful lot of pressure for her. But she didn't hesitate. She gracefully accepted the call, and the rest is history.

One of my favorite scriptures about Mary comes from a passage about the Savior in the Book of Mormon (Mosiah 3:5-8). It says, "And he shall cast out devils, or the evil spirits which dwell in the hearts of the children of men.

 “And lo, he shall suffer temptations, and pain of body, hunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death; for behold, blood cometh from every pore, so great shall be his anguish for the wickedness and the abominations of his people.

 “And he shall be called Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Father of heaven and earth, the Creator of all things from the beginning; and his mother shall be called Mary.”

That's it. That's all it says about her. Just, "...and his mother shall be called Mary." But when you put it into context with the rest of the passage, it's truly beautiful. The passage is all about the Son of God, and the works He would perform. Its purpose is to illustrate just how magnificent Christ is. And the fact that it ends with a mention of His mother tells me that her part was not merely to bring Him into being. She truly, literally, was His mother. She raised Him, and taught Him, and helped Him on His path. She wasn't just a minor character in the Savior's life. She was part of its very center.

It was an honor to portray her in our Christmas program. Sitting in our decorative stable, gazing at the baby in my arms and picturing what Mary must have been feeling... it touched me deeply. I'm so grateful for that amazing woman, and her part in the Savior's story. I hope to be able to have the kind of faith that she did, and answer every call from God, big or small, with the same kind of unwavering obedience. And though I'm not in any hurry to depart this life, I do look forward to the next, when I can meet her face-to-face and thank her for everything she did to help make the Savior's life and sacrifice possible. 

Merry Christmas!

My little angel poses with the stable.

24 Days of Thanksgiving - Day Twenty-Four

Today is the last "day of Thanksgiving" here on my blog, at least for this year. I have to say, it's been a lot of fun writing these. There were very few days where I struggled to think of something to write about. I have a lot to be grateful for in my life. It's been nice to be so reminded of that fact.

Since this is the last day, I decided to write about the one person I'm more thankful for than anyone else. This person is the direct center of my heart, and the supreme example of who I want to be. He's done more for me than I can possibly imagine, and continues to help, love, and fight for me even now. He made it possible for me to have the experiences I've had in this life, and for me to fix my mistakes. He gave me my family, and paid the price so that I can be with them forever. I owe Him everything, and I will never be able to repay that debt.


But He loves me anyway!

I'm talking, of course, about my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I thought it especially appropriate to end my "days of thanksgiving" blog entries with Him, as not only is He the most important thing in my life, but also because as Thanksgiving ends, the Christmas season begins. And, as they say, "He's the reason for the season."

It's with a heart full of love and gratitude towards my Savior that I turn my thoughts to Christmastime, and the miracle of His birth.

I've had the opportunity over the past few days to put together two Christmas programs. One is for the nativity program at our Christmas party, and the other is the program for church on Christmas Day. I suppose I get chosen for these things because I'm good with music, theater, and writing. And also, because I volunteer.

But it's truly been wonderful to be immersed in the nativity story. As I've written the programs, and searched the scriptures for appropriate verses, and thought about what songs would fit best with what part of the story, and pondered the story itself, I've felt the Spirit so powerfully. Every time I read this, for example, I'm filled all over again with a burning love for the Savior and a desire to do anything and everything He asks of me:

“He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

“Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

“But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.”  - Isaiah 53:3-5

I'm grateful  for the opportunity I have for the next month to be reminded of the Savior's birth on a constant basis. I'm grateful for this time of year, when people cast aside their typical distrust and indifference, and try to be more Christlike people. I'm grateful for my faith, and the knowledge that I have that the Savior is the literal Son of God, and that He lives. 

And more than anything, I'm grateful for Jesus Christ. I would be nothing without Him. 

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.”

- Isaiah 9:6

(Pictures from the lds.org media library)