The Call of the Wild (Relief Society)

Today, I'm very grateful for my calling at church.

For those who don't know what I mean by "calling," it's what we call the job each of us performs at church. Our church is run by volunteers from the congregation. We do all the jobs ourselves - our leadership, teachers, librarian, activity coordinators, even cleaning the church is all done by members of the congregation. There's no paid clergy.

What happens is, each person is asked to take on a particular responsibility - their "calling." Sometimes you can even have more than one. I'm the organist, and I also serve in the presidency over the women.

Callings can change, too, depending on where you're needed. I've been a teacher, a pianist, a primary chorister (working with the kids), on an activities committee, etc. And now I'm in a leadership calling (for the second time).

Working in any calling has its rewards. Before this current calling, I was teaching songs to the children. That was so fun. Their sweet spirits and fun personalities just made it all kinds of fun.

I really am grateful for my current calling, too, though. Being in the Relief Society presidency (the RS being the women's organization) means I get to know the ladies at church on a deeper level. I get to make more personal connections with them. I hear about what's going on in their lives, and have more opportunities to serve them.

Today I got to teach the lesson at church. We talked about gratitude (because it's November and I got to pick the topic ;)). There was a lot of interaction and discussion. I got to hear wonderful stories from the sisters, and we all got to think a little bit about the amazing blessings we have in our lives.

I felt so much love for all of the ladies as they shared their experiences and testimonies. They're incredible women, and I'm fortunate to be able to work with all of them.

I'm happy to serve wherever the Lord needs me. I know firsthand that we're blessed for our service. And I'm excited to take on this new calling, and hopefully learn and grow from it. :)

Technology

Today I want to talk about how grateful I am for technology.

Let's be honest - technology affects every aspect of our lives. How we clean, how we eat, how we take care of ourselves, where our clothes and belongings come from, what we do in our spare time, how we get places, our jobs, our hobbies, EVERYTHING. Compared to 100 years ago, the world is a completely different place. Even just 20 years ago was pretty different!

Technology is flying forward at a crazy pace. How many times have you gotten "the newest thing," only to have something better come out within a matter of months? It makes me wonder what the world will be like when I'm old. How much will have changed in my lifetime?

Evie and her favorite guy

Anyway, while technology of all kinds blesses my life in huge and meaningful ways, my particular focus at this point in time is on the technology that allows me to stay connected to my husband from across the globe.

This is our first holiday season apart. The "holiday season," of course, meaning Thanksgiving and Christmas. Ben has been gone for several summers over our eight years of marriage, which is hard enough, but it's that much more painful to have him gone now.

The holidays are all about love, and family, and putting greater focus on our blessings. My husband is my greatest blessing, and I love him more than I love anyone else on Earth. Our daughter is absolutely devoted to him as well. She misses him like crazy when he's gone. Our family truly isn't whole without him.

So with the holidays looming, it's already painful to have him away from home, and to know that he won't be back until Christmas is long over.

But then I think of the wives who lived 100, 75, even just 50 years ago.

My husband is hardly the first to go off to war. And the women who lived back then had to say goodbye and be almost completely cut off from their men. Sometimes a letter or a telegram would come through, but usually, all they heard from their sweethearts was silence. They were left to wonder what was happening, and to pray that their sweetheart would come home. And, if they had an overactive imagination like me, they probably made themselves gray from worrying about what might happen.

I can't imagine how incredibly difficult that must have been. People think milspouses today are strong, but we've got nothing on those amazing women.

And I'm okay with that.

A shot from a previous deployment. Yay, Skype!

I'm grateful that we have phones, and the internet, and skype. I can call, email, facebook message, or skype my husband every day. In a lot of ways I'm even more lucky than other modern milspouses, because my husband is usually around an internet connection. There are many military wives whose husbands spend their time out in the field, and can call home only rarely. But even for them, technology makes it possible to connect in ways that were impossible not so many years ago.

It's still hard having Ben gone over Thanksgiving and Christmas. But because of technology, I am pretty freakin' spoiled. I can see my husband (and his freshly shaved head), I can talk to him, I can even play online video games with him. We can actually spend time together every day from opposite sides of the planet! We are incredibly blessed.

I wonder what the women of 100 years ago would think of today?

And I wonder how the world will have changed in another hundred years?

Maybe we'll all be superheroes in 100 years!

Gratitude!

'Tis the season to be grateful!

Fa la la la laaaaa, la laaa, laaa, laaaaa!

Okay, let's be honest. It's always the season to be grateful. Gratitude isn't something we should be thinking about only one month a year. It's something we should strive to have in our hearts, and lives, at all times.

I'm giving the lesson to the ladies at church on Sunday, and I'm going to be talking about gratitude. In my research for the lesson, I came across some great quotes from several of our church leaders. Here are a few I really liked:

President J. Reuben Clark said: “Hold fast to the blessings which God has provided for you. Yours is not the task to gain them, they are here; yours is the part of cherishing them”

      “We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” - President Thomas S. Monson 

 

“Gratitude is a Spirit-filled principle. [It] heightens our sensitivity to divine direction. When we communicate gratitude, we can be filled with the Spirit and connected to those around us and the Lord. Gratitude inspires happiness and carries divine influence. 'Live in thanksgiving daily,' said Amulek, 'for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you.'” - Sister Bonnie D. Parkin

   President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.”

Those are some awesome quotes, right? I really liked this one from my husband, too:

"I know we are happier when we're grateful. And for what it's worth, I'm almost certain that's a scientifically proven theory."

Cute and smart. My husband is a double threat guy!

And it's true. Being grateful makes us happier. Instead of seeing all the bad stuff around us, our focus is on our blessings. And that's just a better way to live! 

It's not always easy, and it can be a challenge to recognize our blessings during our bleakest times, but if we work at it, we'll get better at it. And someday it will become second nature. 

So, I'm reinstating my annual tradition of blogging each day from Nov. 1st to Thanksgiving about something for which I am grateful. This is a long stretch this year, with Thanksgiving being on the 28th, so there may be some fluff in there. But that's okay, because I'm thankful for the fluffy stuff, too. :)

For today, I'm grateful for gratitude. It may sound silly, but it's true. I love that I have the capacity to recognize the blessings in my life. I'm glad that I can appreciate the good things I have. And it makes me happy to do so. 

God didn't design us to be mindless animals. He gave us the capability to love, to think, to rejoice, to empathize, and to be grateful. I think too many people nowadays prefer to revert to their more bestial nature, taking what they want; angrily competing with each other; being selfish; lacking empathy; and believing they are entitled to whatever it is that they desire. Gratitude, I think, puts us on a higher plane. It makes us more human, while simultaneously making us more Christlike. 

So there you have it. Gratitude is great. Maybe we should call it "greatitude." 

Or maybe not. Either way, I'm thankful for it. :)

Lose the Battle, Win the War

Next month will be officially six years since we started trying for baby #2. It simultaneously seems like a short amount of time - just look how fast Evie has grown! - and an eternity.

One thing I know for sure is that I have grown hugely as a person over these past six years. In large part, I believe it is because of my infertility. I've had to learn faith, patience, kindness, not to be bitter and jealous, and how to embrace the Lord's plan for me. I've drawn closer to Him, and become a better person because of it. My infertility is still difficult for me, of course, but I don't feel despair about it anymore. In fact, I haven't been consumed by despair in several years. If I had, these past six years may have literally driven me insane. But I have learned to lean on the Lord.

I know for a fact that there are more children waiting for me. They're having to be patient, just as I am, while they wait for God to send them down to this life and let them finally join our family. I've felt them around me in the temple. I've received blessings that have told me that they're coming. And I've felt the Holy Spirit speak comfort to me, and let me know that it will happen. 

The hardest part of every month, of course, is the dreaded two-week wait in the latter half of each cycle. I ovulate, then I have to wait and see. It makes me crazy. For the most part, I've learned to be pretty chill about it and live my life like a normal human being. The thing is, my body is weird. Rather than just starting my period at the end of the two weeks like any normal woman, I spot. Starting about five days before my period is due, I start seeing little spots of blood when I go to the bathroom. This means that, rather than just having to wait and watch for one day, I have to start watching almost a week before most women do. So, any time I make it through a day or two of no spotting, because it happens so infrequently, I start to get my hopes up. I can't help but believe that it's finally time, and I'm finally going to be pregnant. But I still can't know for sure, because there are still three or four more days before my period is actually due! It's beyond frustrating.

That last week of every cycle is grueling. Especially on the rare occasions when I don't see the spotting right away. Usually I do, and that ends the question, and I can move on. But when it starts late, it gets my hopes skyrocketing up every time.

This month the spotting didn't start until the actual day my period was due. Five days late. For me, that is unheard of! The latest I've ever been before this was maybe two or three days. I have never been so convinced in all my life that I was pregnant... and been wrong.

And the thing is, I knew when the spotting didn't start that there were still five days to wait before I actually missed a period. I knew that, in fact, I didn't know anything at all! But as each day passed, it got to the point where I almost couldn't even conceive of the idea that I was not pregnant this month. It was almost literally impossible to imagine! I didn't tell anyone (besides Ben, and even then I just told him that I was cautiously optimistic), because I'm not stupid, but I truly believed it. With all of my heart and soul.

And when I prayed about it, I felt so good. I felt confident, and peaceful, and happy. I felt... changed. Different. Like there was another little spirit sharing my body.

So when the spotting finally started, I almost didn't believe it at first. My usual reaction is to cry. Even though I've been working for so long on being faithful, and even though I've come such a long way and grown past feeling angry and resentful, I still usually cry. Well, I cry when my hopes have been up. If I didn't think it was going to happen that month anyway, I'm usually okay. But months like this one, where it seems almost inevitable that I would finally be pregnant - I cry. After a day of crying and eating chocolate, I'm okay again. But there's always crying.

This time, there hasn't been. Granted, it's still brand new, but I haven't cried. I suspect it may be because of how close I've been feeling to God over the past several days. I'm choosing to believe that that closeness and peacefulness and confidence was God's way of telling me that it's almost time. I was wrong about it being this month, but I do believe it's coming soon.

And maybe God has been waiting for my faith to grow to the point where something like this can happen, and I can remain faithful without missing a beat. Without breaking down and berating myself for being stupid and believing it was time. Without despairing over my inability to understand what the Spirit is trying to tell me.

I still feel a bit of all of those emotions, of course. But this month, for some reason, my peacefulness hasn't deserted me. My hope hasn't fled, even momentarily. Maybe I've finally grown up enough where I can put myself fully in the hands of my Lord, and trust His plan.

And maybe that's what He's been waiting for me to learn.

I'm not saying I'm going to get pregnant right away. It still may take some time. But I feel strongly that it's coming.

God gives us trials for a reason. He wants us to learn from them, and grow. He's not a mean kid, burning us like ants under a magnifying glass to see how we squirm. He's a loving parent, using these moments in our lives to teach us. Waiting for us to learn, and realize our full potential. I'm in no way perfect, but I can look back on this trial and see how it has blessed my life and improved me as a person. And I believe that, once I've learned what I need to from this trial, it will end.

I've been losing the monthly battles with infertility for six years now. But whereas at the beginning they were devastating battles that nearly destroyed me, I have been learning to hold my own against the agony and despair. With every battle that has passed, I've grown stronger. I've given less ground. I have not let the pain of defeat actually defeat me.

I may have lost another battle this month, but I know that very soon, and with God's help (and according to His timing), I will win this war.

To My Daughters: Be Empowered!

This is a letter to all the daughters: specifically those of the LDS church, but also to anyone else who may come across it.

The world tells us that we're oppressed. They say that our church is sexist, because women don't hold the priesthood. They say that we're kept living in the past, barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. They say that we're subject to our husband's rule, that we're second-class citizens in our marriages. They laugh when we say we're living in abstinence until we get married. They mock when we don't drink alcohol, smoke, or even drink coffee. They feel sorry for us that we're not "allowed" to go out on Sundays. And they think all of this is because we're beaten-down, brainwashed, and oppressed.

They could not be more wrong.

We aren't oppressed. We are empowered. 

We make our own decisions, and we have the strength and the courage to stick to those decisions, even in the face of the world's mockery. Where so many in the world give in to temptation, or cave to peer pressure, we have the fortitude to say, "No. I am better than that."

Our religion teaches us that we are equals to men. This does not mean that men and women are exactly the same. It means that we have the same value in God's eyes, and in one another's.

There's a reason why women are constantly under attack. Satan is doing everything in his power to destroy womanhood, and the beauty that comes with it. He's telling us that we're only worth something if we're a size two. He's telling us that raising kids is a weak choice, that we're locking ourselves into a life of drudgery, screaming children, and feeling unfulfilled. He's telling us that the men in our lives won't appreciate us unless we have careers. He's trying to make us more coarse, more foulmouthed, less gentle and ladylike. He's trying to make us more selfish and vain. He's trying to make us believe that we need to be rough and maybe even a little manly in order to make an impression on this world. He's trying to take away all of the unique, beautiful things that make us women - and he's getting so many of us to throw it all away of our own free will.

The reason Satan spends so much of his time attacking women is this: women have the power to change the world.

I'm not talking about going out and making lots of money in a lucrative career. I'm not talking about becoming famous and being vocal about politics. I'm talking about the quiet, usually under-appreciated work that goes on in our homes. I'm talking about raising the next generation.

In our church magazine (the Ensign) for April, there's an article about how men and women should be equals in a marriage. Marriage is a partnership. No one person is more important, more valued, or more necessary than the other. Both spouses have responsibilities, and while they're different, they're equally important.

Men have the priesthood. They provide for and protect their families, and help their families follow Christ in a general way. They give blessings when their loved ones are sick or discouraged. They lead the family in Home Evening and prayers. They strive to follow Christ, and to set an example for their children.

The women have the task of nurturing and teaching their children on a personal, individual level. Our job is to comfort fears, wipe away tears, rejoice in successes, and build understanding and testimonies of Jesus Christ. Our job is to help shape our children into their very best selves.

Satan works very hard to tell us that this is an empty job. He tries to tell us that it's a chore given to us by our overbearing husbands. But think about this: the family is central to God's plan. Strong mothers who love, guide, teach, and raise their children with love and faith have the power to literally change the world. We're given the job of raising the next generation. If we do our jobs well, that next generation will grow up to be kind, intelligent, charitable, and faithful. The world will be a better place because of our efforts.

Can you imagine how the world would be different if every mother realized the value of raising her children with such love and devotion? If every mother put her children first, and made them the priority over careers, ambitions, or other distractions, the world would literally become a better place. Mothers have that power!

I'm not saying that we shouldn't have dreams or ambitions outside of raising our kids. We should. It's important to take time for yourself and live your life with no regrets. I know plenty of mothers who pursued careers after their kids were in school. I know women who find the time to participate in local government, or theater, or other activities. I know many women who have continued their educations, whether formally through a college, or by learning new skills and developing new talents. And of course, women in our church have callings. We teach the children, young women, or adult ladies on Sundays. We speak in our Sunday services. We do service. We learn and teach music. We comfort the sick and help those in need.

There is plenty of life to live within our faith, while still raising healthy, confident, faithful children. Honestly, if a man were to try and do everything we do, he would probably fall apart at the seams. But we're women! We are strong! We don't need to become more like men - we are more than incredible just the way we are!

So as you're growing up, my dear daughters, I want you to feel empowered. You are a daughter of God, and He loves you more than you can possibly imagine. Satan will try to erode your self-worth and tell you that you're nothing. But you know better than that. You know that you are everything to your Heavenly Father.

"Brothers and sisters, the most powerful Being in the universe is the Father of your spirit. He knows you. He loves you with a perfect love.

"God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him." (- Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "You Matter to Him" October 2011 general conference)

That, my sweet girls, should make you feel so loved. So worthwhile. So valued. So empowered.

So, the next time someone offers you a drink or a smoke, you tell yourself "I am worth more than that." Be empowered to say no.

The next time a cute boy pressures you into doing something you're not comfortable with, or laughs at you for being chaste, remind yourself that you are a daughter of God. No man is good enough to get that gift from you but the man that you marry. You are worth more than that. Be empowered!

The next time somebody thinks you're weird for dressing modestly or using clean language, tell them that you are a lady, and a daughter of God. You are worth more than that. You are empowered to dress and behave in a way that reflects your divine nature. You are empowered to feel confident in your own skin.

The next time somebody tries to tear you down, for whatever reason, remember that God knows you, and loves you. He made you the way you are, and He doesn't make mistakes. You are a beautiful, talented, amazing creature. Your value is beyond infinite worth. Know that, and feel empowered by it.

The next time someone tries to tell you that women in your church are oppressed, remember that God has entrusted you with something that is more precious to Him than anything else - the souls of His children. He is trusting you to raise them in love and righteousness. He's trusting you to help them meet their full potential. He's trusting you to teach them, and guide them the way He would do it if He were here. There is no more important job. Feel empowered. You literally have the power to change the world!

Womanhood is not a curse. It is one of God's greatest gifts. Be empowered by your womanhood. Embrace it. Be proud of it. You are a divine creature. God loves you more than you will ever understand, and He's counting on you.

Make us proud!

Just Because...

I wrote this on Facebook after saying a lot of the same kinds of things to Ben. We weren't arguing or anything, I was just trying to explain how I feel sometimes. I feel like I'm judged for one aspect of myself or another, good or bad, a lot of the time. Some people see me as a talented musician, and not much more. Some people see me as a barren womb. Some people see me as a "Mormon," as if that's all that defines me. Some people see me as a goofball. Some people just see me as a chubby weirdo. Some people see me as a performer - hopefully, a good one.

The problem is that, once you judge someone like that, it's hard to see what else they have to offer. You're limiting yourself by your judgments and definitions of what a person "is."

And it's not just me, of course. People judge each other that way all the time. A great example is how the homosexual population is often portrayed. A lot of people who don't understand or have experience with homosexuals just define them as "gay" and leave it at that, as if that is all you need to know about a person.

Back in the day, not so long ago, people were defined by the color of their skin, or their nationality. This isn't a new thing.

We may be moving past those kinds of extreme snap judgments as a whole, but we still tend to define each other one way or another, often by considering only a single aspect of a person's personality. So I wrote this to explain that I'm more than just any one aspect of myself. I am many things, some good, and some bad. And I liked it, so I'm putting it here in my blog, too.

*****

Just because I'm musical doesn't mean I have no other talents to offer.

Just because I'm a milspouse doesn't mean I'm strong, and that's it's easy to be separated from my husband.

Just because I'm infertile doesn't mean that I don't love and appreciate Evie. And it doesn't mean I resent people who ARE fertile!

Just because I seem confident doesn't mean I'm not a weeping mess on a regular basis.

Just because I have an awesome husband and daughter doesn't mean my life - or my family - is perfect. We have our struggles just like everyone else.

Just because I like to laugh and be silly doesn't mean I'm a dummy.

Just because I'm generally well-liked doesn't mean I have a lot of friends.

Just because I'm overweight doesn't mean I'm not beautiful.

Just because some people think I'm beautiful doesn't mean I have great self-esteem.

Just because I'm religious doesn't mean I'm crazy.

And just because I'm kind of emotional and hormonal at the moment doesn't mean that there's no value in the things I've just said.

Never judge a person on just one aspect of themselves. Whether it's positive or negative, you're shutting yourself off to all the other things they have to offer. We're all three-dimensional beings, myself included.

Line Upon Line

The Lord teaches us and molds us with one thing at a time. If He tried to pour all understanding on our heads at one time, we would be overwhelmed and would probably give up immediately. Instead, in His great wisdom, He goes at our pace. Sometimes we're in a place where we're spiritually prepared to receive a great deal of understanding. At other times - most of the time - we receive understanding in bits and pieces.

That's how this past 5+ years have been for me. As we've dealt with infertility, I've felt a great deal of despair, confusion, self-loathing, and even occasional anger at God. I haven't been spiritually prepared for great understanding. So the Lord would give it to me in flashes. As I would try to humble myself, and plead for help and understanding, the Lord would give me a little knowledge. 

Over the past 5+ years, I've learned that trials are not only to help us grow and become better people, they are also a chance for us to become closer to the Lord. 

The Lord doesn't bless people with children based on their own personal worthiness. If He did, there would be no terrible parents. So the fact that I'm dealing with infertility does not mean its because of any lack of value on my part. God loves me.

God weeps with us when we weep. He feels our anguish, and understands our pain. He doesn't give us trials because it's fun or entertaining. He does it to shape us into the people we need to be so we can return to Him.

Having faith in the Lord means embracing His will and His timing. We can't say "I'm faithful! Give me what I want right now!" The Lord knows when the best time will be for any righteous thing we desire. Take my infertility as an example: When you think about it, we're shaped by the experiences and friends we have growing up. So the "when" of a baby's birth is vital to the way their entire life is shaped. I want the best for my children, and so does the Lord. So He will send them when the time is exactly right, so they can have their best chance for success and joy. 

Sometimes the Lord lets us have trials so we can reach a certain decision that we may not have reached without those trials. We become the people we do because of the experiences we have. Trials can soften a hard heart, or put one's feet on a different path. They change our perspective, and help us see what we may have otherwise missed. Trials are a tool the Lord uses to help us get where we need to be, not only as a person, but in our decisions and ideas. 

The Lord has a plan for us, and sometimes there are things that we couldn't do if we immediately got what we wanted. In my 5+ years of infertility, I've had experiences I wouldn't trade, and met people who have changed my life. And I'm sure I've changed some of their lives in a small way as well. In many cases, I wouldn't have met those people if I'd had more kids. I would have been busy with that. I wouldn't have been able to go out and have some of the experiences I did. Those people would never have been in my life, and I wouldn't have been in theirs. And clearly, I've been blessed by my associations. The friends I've met have changed and improved me.

Lastly, sometimes we are given trials so we have a chance to teach and uplift others. We can share our experiences and what we've learned, and help someone else who's struggling to reach their own understanding that much faster. 

Whatever happens, I need to cling to the knowledge that God won't send my children until the time is right so they can have their very best chance. I love my kids, even the ones I've never met, and I want them to have the very best life they can have. If that means waiting and dealing with infertility for several more years, so be it. I need to put my trust in the Lord. 

He knows what's best for me, and for my family.