The Moody Moving Blues

Okay, those of you who know me know that I moved a few months ago. The move I'm talking about today isn't super recent. We moved to California right after school got out in Texas, so we've been here almost three months.

But even though the boxes are unpacked, Evie's settling into her new school, and we've gotten relatively familiar with the area, "the move" is still happening in a sense. It's still a trial in one very specific way.

It's the part of the move that brings along a deep sense of loneliness and abandonment.

It happens with every move. Anyone who moves regularly throughout their lives will understand this. You move to a new place, you make wonderful friends, you promise to stay friends forever, you move away, and people who once communicated with you on a frequent or even every-day basis stop communicating with you at all.

The end result is that you know (and are fond of) a very large number of people, but you have almost nobody you can call an actual, lifelong friend. Because the friends only seem to last until you're gone. And then: out of sight, out of mind.

It sucks.

As someone who has moved consistently during my life, never in one place for more than a few years, I'm all too familiar with this phenomenon. It happens with every move. And in each new place, I make new friends and think, "These are such good friends, there's no way we'll lose touch when I move away!"

And then we do.

I'm sure a lot of it is my own fault. I try to reach out to people through texts, emails, Facebook, and even by commenting on people's statuses. But I don't do a whole lot more than that. Mostly because it feels like people are too busy with their own lives (and their friends who have NOT moved away) to have time for me. And I don't want to be a bother.

Long-distance relationships are hard. That's just as true for friendships as for romantic relationships. Maybe even more so, because when you're in love with someone you're more focused on them and them alone. Whereas with friends, most people have several, so losing one isn't going to make a huge dent in their lives.

The thing is, it does make a huge dent for the person doing the moving. I don't know if the people I've had to leave behind really realize that. I'm sure some of them do, but those who move infrequently might not.

The people back home have familiar surroundings.

The person moving is in a foreign environment.

The people left behind have consistent schedules and plans and lives.

The person moving has uprooted everything they know and is starting over.

Most importantly, the people back home have other good friends to hang out with. They have people asking them how they're doing with missing their friend. They have others around them to cheer them up, distract them, and be aware of them.

The person moving has nobody but the immediate family members who moved with them. They have to completely start over and try to fit in with the people around them and make new friends. Nobody knows who they are or what they might need or how they're feeling. They're very isolated.

It's incredibly lonely.

I'm doing my best to get to know people in my new ward at church and in my new neighborhood. I try to be friendly, outgoing, and likable. I agree to everything I'm asked to do by other people, in the hopes that it will give me a chance to get to know them.

The problem is that friendships take a long time to really develop. It's rare to find a person who you like and get along with so perfectly that the friendship just happens.

I had that once, with Juleigh. When we first really started talking to each other, we hit it off almost immediately. I still remember how giddy and happy I felt because I knew without a doubt that I was finally making a friend in Abilene.

And even with that, we had both been living in Abilene for several months before we found each other.

Friendships take time. It's hard, making real friends. You rarely see anyone's true nature until you've been able to spend a lot of time with them. And when you're new somewhere, all the interactions you have with people are pretty superficial. Everyone - including yourself - is still trying to make a good impression. You only see people's best sides. And since nobody is one-dimensional, you can't really get to know a person until you see a little more than their Sunday best.

So you spend a lot of time alone, missing the people you've left behind. And when you never hear from them, it just increases the sense of loneliness. It takes a toll on your self-esteem, feeling that you're so easily forgotten. It makes you wonder if anyone really cared about you in the first place.

So my advice to anyone who happens to read this blog post is this: If you have a close friend who moves away, don't take the easy way out. Don't fill in the void they leave in your life with other people and let your friend slip away from your life and your heart. Don't push them out of your thoughts.

I know, if you love someone, it hurts to think about them when they're far away. But if you really love them, aren't they worth the heartache?

Take time to talk to them. Text them. Message them. Skype with them. Call them. Send a letter, even! But do it. Most friendships consist of conversations anyway, and it's totally possible in this day and age to have a long-distance conversation. You can talk to someone on the other side of the world every single day, and it's ridiculously easy to do. There's really no reason that communication needs to die.

And remember, your friend is probably struggling. They're lonely, and likely having a hard time adjusting to their new home. If you love them, take the time to reach out to them, even if it makes you miss them more. Let them know that they aren't forgotten. They'll be so grateful, and your friendship will only grow stronger.

Then maybe you really will have that life-long friendship everyone deserves.

The Tough Questions

Okay, full disclosure: This is not going to be a light, fluffy, happy blog post. It's going to be serious, and potentially divisive to those who disagree with me. But it's something about which I feel a strong need to speak out. I won't be offended if you choose not to read it. But if you do, I hope you'll respect my beliefs and opinions and keep any comments respectful. This ain't YouTube.

It's come out in the news lately that the leader of the Ordain Women movement, Kate Kelly, has been summoned for a church hearing to discuss whether or not she should be excommunicated. For those who aren't members of the LDS church or who aren't familiar with what this movement is, the Ordain Women movement is a group of people who belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and who feel that women should be allowed to hold the priesthood.

Our church has always taught that men and women have different roles and responsibilities. Women are primarily in charge of their families. This includes meeting the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of their children. We are expected to do our best to raise our children to be righteous, responsible, healthy adults. Anyone who thinks this is an easy job is kidding themselves. This is a lifelong process, with no vacation days. And it's not just about the children. Women are also expected to stand side-by-side with their husbands when it comes to making decisions and leading their family. We're equal partners. And women who don't get the opportunity to be married or have children in this life are still given opportunities to fulfill these responsibilities via their callings in the church. Women, married and single, are given roles as leaders or teachers, usually over the other women, the young (teenage) women, or the primary children. There they can put their natural abilities to work, nurturing and uplifting others. They can give talks in church, offer prayers, teach, plan activities, and work with the other leaders of the church - men and women - to help the members of their congregation.

Men provide for their families physical need through work (ideally, although sometimes women share that responsibility), and provide for their spiritual needs through the priesthood power they've been given. That includes acting as patriarch by taking the lead in spiritual family gatherings, prayer, and scripture study. It also means that they can lay their hands on their family members' heads when needed and provide blessings directly from God. These blessings can give healing, comfort, or guidance. They also have a responsibility to use their priesthood power outside of their family, to bless and help those in need, and serve in various leadership and teaching callings at church. It's a lot of responsibility, and it's entirely focused outward. Men shouldn't use their priesthood authority to dominate or lord over anyone. In fact, the church teaches that any man who tries to do so is unworthy to carry the priesthood. The priesthood is about service. It's about helping, uplifting, and blessing others. It's a sacred responsibility.

Does having the priesthood make men better or more important than women? Absolutely not. The church does not place men above women in any way, shape, or form. It merely teaches that men and women are different, and have different responsibilities. If you look at it, side by side, it seems to me that men and women are sharing the load pretty equally.

In this day and age, it seems that the world is trying to "equalize" men and women by making them more and more alike in nature, and erase their differences entirely. But the fact is, at our very cores, men and women are different. And we are therefore better suited for different things.

That doesn't mean that we can't step into each other's roles when necessary. There are plenty of single parents who have to perform both sides of things. I've done it myself in many ways when Ben has been deployed. He's done his part to cover for me in the rare times that I'm out or sick and he's watching Evie, because we're equal partners. But I'll never be able to fill his shoes perfectly, and he'll never be able to do all the things that I do. Because we're different. But that's good! We compliment each other.

In my opinion, women wanting the priesthood so fervently is ridiculous. We already have as much responsibility on our shoulders as the men do, if not more. We've been given a share of the work. We have sacred responsibilities of our own, ones that are meant for us and will bring us the greatest happiness. God knows what He's doing. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He wants us to have joy in this life, and He has divided the roles of men and women in such a way that will bring us the greatest joy possible.

Women feeling like they're treated as second-class citizens in the church because they don't have the priesthood is entirely in their own imagination. None of the men in the church would agree with that sentiment, and any that did would be unworthy of their own role as a priesthood holder.

Here are some of the things the church teaches about women:

“The true spirit of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gives to woman the highest place of honor in human life." - Improvement Era, May 1935

"One of your unique, precious, and sublime gifts is your femininity, with its natural grace, goodness, and divinity. Femininity is not just lipstick, stylish hairdos, and trendy clothes. It is the divine adornment of humanity. It finds expression in your qualities of your capacity to love, your spirituality, delicacy, radiance, sensitivity, creativity, charm, graciousness, gentleness, dignity, and quiet strength. It is manifest differently in each girl or woman, but each of you possesses it.
"Femininity is part of the God-given divinity within each of you. It is your incomparable power and influence to do good. You can, through your supernal gifts, bless the lives of children, women, and men. Be proud of your womanhood. Enhance it. Use it to serve others." - James E. Faust, April 2000 General Conference

"The errand of angels is given to women... They fulfill their divine potential and magnify their God-given gifts. They are capable, strong women who bless families, serve others, and understand that “the glory of God is intelligence” (D&C 93:36) - Margaret D. Nadauld, October 2000 General Conference

“Woman is God's supreme creation. Only after the earth had been formed, after the day had been separated from the night, after the waters had been divided from the land, after vegetation and animal life had been created, and after man had been placed on the earth, was woman created; and only then was the work pronounced complete and good.
“God will hold us accountable if we neglect His daughters.” - President Gordon B. Hinckley “Our Responsibility to Our Young Women,” Ensign, Sept. 1988

"I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges, and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him. Because of this divine heritage you, along with all of your spiritual sisters and brothers, have full equality in His sight and are empowered through obedience to become a rightful heir in His eternal kingdom, an “[heir] of God, and joint-[heir] with Christ.” Seek to comprehend the significance of these doctrines. Everything Christ taught He taught to women as well as men. Indeed, in the restored light of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a woman occupies a majesty all her own in the divine design of the Creator. You are, as Elder James E. Talmage once phrased it, 'a sanctified investiture which none shall dare profane.'
"Be a woman of Christ. Cherish your esteemed place in the sight of God. He needs you. This Church needs you. The world needs you. A woman’s abiding trust in God and unfailing devotion to things of the Spirit have always been an anchor when the wind and the waves of life were fiercest. I say to you what the Prophet Joseph said more than 150 years ago: “If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.” - Jeffrey R. Holland, October 2005 General Conference

I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

The church in no way thinks of women as being lesser to men in any form. If anything, they put womanhood on a pedestal. So, logically, this whole "the church is sexist and women are second-class citizens" idea is malarkey.

But that's not even the biggest issue here. The reason this woman, Kate Kelly, the founder of the Ordain Women movement, is facing excommunication is that she has been working through her movement to pull people away from the teachings of the church. She has been encouraging people to turn their backs on the doctrine we receive from our prophet and try to publicly shame the church into changing their doctrine to suit her opinions. And she does it while claiming to be a faithful member of the church.

But here's the thing. All faithful members of our church believe that God gives us revelation and doctrine through his living prophet, our leader, Thomas S. Monson. And we believe that our church has been led by living prophets since its restoration in the 19th century. We believe that Joseph Smith Jr. was the first prophet of the restored gospel, and that he communicated directly with Jesus Christ, and that he got all of the doctrine he taught from the Savior. And since Joseph Smith's time, we have had fifteen more prophets, all of whom have led the church under the direct authority and direction of Jesus Christ. We believe that Christ, Himself, is the head of our church. All the doctrine we get comes from Him.

Do you see the problem here?

You can't claim to be a faithful member of the church, and believe that God is at the head of it, leading us, and then turn around and try to change the doctrine by protesting and forming organizations and getting the media to make the church look bigoted. Either Christ is the head of our church, and the doctrine we have is valid and has a divine purpose, or the church is just an earthly organization that can be swayed by popular opinion. In which case, why even bother with it? If it's not God's church, why claim to believe in it at all?

Unfortunately, the problem in this situation is pride. This isn't unusual, pride tends to be at the root of most of our worst decisions. We think that we know better than other people. We think we're smarter, or better looking, or more talented. We feel entitled. Most people get that way from time to time. But if you don't take a step back and catch yourself, and try to be humble, it can grow and consume us until we think we know better than the Lord.

Because that's what this is. Anyone who leaves the church or fights the church because of some point of doctrine or other that they disagree with is being prideful. And we cannot progress spiritually if we're being proud. Pride is a wall built directly in our path. The only way to move forward is to tear the wall down by being humble and repenting. When it comes to doctrine, that means accepting it, even if you disagree with it, and genuinely trying to live by it. And when you can do that, you can begin to understand the why.

Some have criticized the church for Kate Kelly's potential excommunication, saying that the leadership of the church is trying to punish people for having opinions and asking questions. Some believe that we're all brainwashed, and that asking questions is discouraged so as to keep us all in line.

The fact is, though, that we're encouraged to ask questions. We're encouraged to think, and study, and pray. That's how we gain understanding, and receive revelation. God doesn't just give us answers out of nowhere. He waits for us to ask. But we're encouraged to do so with humility and sincerity. When pride or anger enters into the equation, when we have a spirit of "this can't be right, what are they thinking," we begin to close ourselves off from the Spirit, and it's much harder to get true answers.

I'll give you a personal example. When the church came out and asked members in California to vote for Prop 8 in California, I was shocked. I knew from personal study (which, again, is encouraged) that the church doesn't harbor any kind of ill will toward the LGBT community. If anything, their stance has been one of love. They've actually supported gay rights when it comes to the law. So I was surprised.

I've had several gay friends throughout my life (being in the musical theater world), and my first thought was that it didn't seem fair to them. Why shouldn't they get to be with the person they love? Isn't that a good thing? And the church is all about love, so why did they suddenly seem so hateful?

It took me several days of thinking and praying about it. At first, my prayers were incredulous and a bit of the "that can't be right" prideful sort. But then I tried to be humble. I asked myself, "Is the church true?" And I've had too many experiences in my life that have testified to me of the reality and truthfulness of the gospel to deny that one.

Yes, it's true.

So, then, if it's true, the prophet is in direct communication with God, right?

Right.

And he would never abuse his authority as the prophet to misguide the members? He would never lie and say something was from God when it was merely his own opinion?

Never. Not in a million years. He's a man of integrity and honor.

And he and the other leaders of the church put this out there as an official, church-sanctioned, God-directed stance?

Yes.

Therefore, this must come from God.

From there, I had a choice. I could either turn my back on everything I believed in, or I could be humble and choose to embrace the instruction from the church, even though I didn't understand it. I chose to trust God. He sees much more of the bigger picture than I ever will. Just because I didn't understand it at the time, didn't mean that He was confused about it. The Lord always has a reason.

Because that's the thing in situations like this. We tend to put too much trust in our own understanding. But we're so limited! We understand nothing when compared to God. He sees and knows and understands everything. Each of us is like a blind man, being guided by His voice. He's giving us directions, because we can't actually see where we're going. We need to trust Him if we're going to make it where we want to go.

So I decided to accept the doctrine we've been given and oppose gay marriage. It wasn't an easy decision, but once I made it, I stuck with it.

And then came the understanding.

Because that's how revelation works. All of us are entitled to personal revelation from the Lord. But we can't receive clear answers if we're being prideful and hard-hearted. We need to be humble in order to hear the Spirit's still, small voice.

I came to understand that the church was, of course, still about love. We weren't opposed to gay marriage because we hate the LGBT community and want to keep them apart. Rather, we fully support monogamy for all people. But to us, marriage isn't a legal institution. It's a religious one. For us, the definition of marriage is a union between a man, woman, and God. Marriage and family are at the center of everything we believe. We believe that families can continue, in their family units, through eternity. Marriages can last forever. They don't have to end with death. They are an extremely important, central part of our faith, and as such, have clear-cut rules.

Our views on marriage are clearly different than the world's views. That's why not just anyone can be married in one of our temples. For us, it's a sacred ordinance.

I personally believe that if religious marriage and legal marriage were defined by different words, we wouldn't have a problem with gay marriage. If, for example, "civil union" was the legal term for any and all legal unions, our church would fully support gay civil unions. Legally, members of the LGBT community should have all the same rights as anyone else. Religiously, as members of the LDS church, we're held to higher standards. And it's not purely based on sexual preference. Most heterosexual people aren't able to enter our temples and be married for eternity, either. Nobody is, until they meet the necessary standards.

The only reason the gay marriage debate became an issue in the first place was because we were given the opportunity to vote on it. If we'd been given the chance to vote on something else - like whether pornography should be outlawed - we probably would have voted according to our standards in that instance, too. And we also would have outraged people. But, as I learned, it's truly not about hate. It's just about taking the opportunity to try and stand up for what we believe is best. If we could make it so, we wouldn't want people to have sex outside of marriage, either. We'd outlaw alcohol and tobacco. We would vote to make adultery illegal. We would even vote to make all businesses (except emergency ones, like ERs and fire stations) close on Sundays. If given the chance, of course we would vote to make the world more the way we believe God would want it to be.

But we weren't presented with the opportunity to vote on any of that. So it's never come up. Simple as that.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, when we're humble and embrace the doctrine we're given from the Lord, we're able to learn, and grow, and get answers to our questions.

So, people who accuse members of the church of being "sheep" or "brainwashed" and say that we're discouraged from asking questions clearly don't understand the doctrine we're taught. Relying on the intelligence and strength of man and protesting the Lord's doctrine is not the same thing as "asking questions." That's just pride. That's being hardhearted. The real, tough questions are the ones we ask the Lord, and ourselves. "What am I doing wrong? What do I need to change in my life? How can I be more humble? How can I increase my understanding? How can I feel closer to the Spirit?" Because only through humility and drawing nearer to the Lord can we truly gain answers to the really important questions. And that's a much tougher thing to do that protesting and getting puffed up and belligerent. Anger and pride is easy. Humility is hard.

When we're prideful and fight against what has been taught, we create a wall for ourselves. We're no longer able to feel the Spirit as strongly. And, if it continues, and if we work to pull people away with us, it can lead to apostasy.

And that's what's happening with Kate Kelly. She has fought against the Lord for so long, and has been so vocal, angry, and prideful about it, that she's actively working to pull people away from the doctrine that we've been given. She considers herself a faithful member, but it's not the church she's fighting, it's the Lord. So, facing excommunication for apostasy sounds about right to me.

The church never does these kinds of things lightly. She has been warned by church leaders that this might be the outcome if she doesn't stop. But she chose to ignore those warnings.

And honestly, I truly don't see how she reconciles her actions with being a "faithful member" in her own mind. The contrast is so huge. As I said earlier, either this is the Lord's church and His doctrine is there for a reason, or it's a social, earthly organization that can be swayed by protest and public opinion. It can't be both.

The good news is, there's always repentance. That's a gift that everyone can use, if they're willing. I sincerely hope that Sister Kelly can humble herself and draw closer to the Lord. She's a daughter of God, just like me, just like all women. She's loved. The Lord is waiting for her to turn back to Him. I'm sure He wants that desperately. I hope she can work things out and fix her relationship with Him. I hope she can learn to embrace her role as a woman, and appreciate the divine gifts that come with womanhood.

As for me, I'm proud to be a woman. I'm proud to be one of God's cherished daughters. I have divine potential in me, as do all women. I'm happy to embrace my role as a wife, a mother, a leader, a woman.

The way I see it, if that's what God wants for me, there's a good reason for it. I trust in His love for me. I trust that He wants me to be happy. I trust that He won't lead me astray.

People are flawed. God is perfect. I choose to be on His side.

Aaaaaand.... THERE'S the Happy Ending!

As some of you may know, today I was having a rotten day due to a particularly sadistic dream my brain whipped up. Long story short, I woke up wondering if I actually make any kind of difference or impact as a human being, or whether I'm ultimately useless and replaceable. My brain was coming down on the side of "useless and replaceable."

Like I said, rotten day.

Satan was in my head, and he wasn't budging. I was in despair, thinking I was a failure as a human being. I couldn't think of a single meaningful contribution I have made to the world, aside from my perfect angel of a daughter. And she, quite frankly, is all of those things without my help.

All day long, I couldn't shake the funk. I couldn't find a way to argue with the conclusion my brain was pushing. I was in despair.

Then, I went to the broadcast of the general women's meeting for my church: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

They hold these broadcasts twice a year. This year, rather than just inviting women ages 12 and up, they invited all ladies ages 8 and up.

Such a tiny change, but such a huge impact.

Seeing all those little girls in the audience, barely older than my own daughter, touched my heart. Then they started singing. And my hard, bitter, broken heart melted.

And then, over the course of the broadcast, it healed.

The theme of the entire meeting was basically this: I am a daughter of God. He knows me. He loves me. I mean something to Him.

It was like being hit over the head with a spiritual brick. I sensed that God had been trying to give me this reassurance all day, but I had been so lost in my own despair that I couldn't hear Him.

I cried through almost the entire broadcast. The Spirit was so powerful, testifying to me that not only does God know and love me, but He has a plan for me. My life has a purpose. A purpose that is meant for me, and me alone, to fulfill.

I may not have any unique abilities. But I do have talents and abilities that I use to praise God and spread His message of love.

I may not have a fancy job, or do anything the world sees as important. But I try to help those around me, and ease their burdens where I can. Little actions can make a big difference.

I may not write any great novels, or invent any handy appliances, or discover any cures to terrible diseases. But I can, and will, raise a child who will be a force for good in this world. A child who has the potential in her to change the world for the better. A child who can uplift and serve others, and be a shining beacon of God's love.

I may merely be a stay-at-home mom with one kid, no college degree, no job, and no particularly useful skills.

But I am me. I am unique. I am the only one who is all of the crazy things that I am. My life has meaning, and purpose, and direction. And I am precious to my Father in Heaven. He doesn't see me as expendable. He doesn't think I'm useless. He never, for even a moment, forgets who I am. I am known to Him. I am cherished by Him. I am important to Him.

I knew before I ever came to this life that I would have trials. I would go through terrible times. I would know pain, despair, agony. But you know what? I agreed to all of that.

I agreed to go through heartbreaking loss, so that I might know the incredible beauty of love.

I agreed to suffer agonizing trials, so I could learn to appreciate the bliss that comes with peace.

I agreed to deal with unbearable pain, so I would understand indescribable joy.

Everything in this life has its opposite. As Eve understood, we need to pass through sorrow so that we can learn what joy is. You can never fully appreciate what it means to have good health until you've been sick. Opposites are a necessary part of life - one that we all agreed to before we came to Earth.

For me, today was a day of both wretched despair and unbelievable joy. It hurt like crazy to go through the first part of my day, when I was wracked with anguish over the idea that I might have no worth. But from those painful depths I rose and soared to great heights through the love of my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

I know who I am. I am a beautiful, beloved daughter of my Heavenly Father. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am worthwhile. I have the power to change the world, and make it a better place.

And I am loved. Loved by a beautiful husband and daughter. Loved by brilliant, amazing parents and siblings. Loved by incredible, generous friends. And loved by God, the most powerful being in the universe; my very Creator.

And not one person on that list thinks I'm useless or replaceable.

When Brains Go Bad

My brain hates me. I feel like I've addressed this before, but I don't remember what post it was and I don't feel like looking it up. The jist of it was this: My brain always sends me dreams about Ben cheating on me or leaving me or losing interest in me. My brain is kind of sadistic. And I've come to realize that it's (obviously) my own insecurities causing the dreams. My husband is amazing, and I love him, and often feel that I don't deserve him. I feel like he can do much better than plain ol' me. And thus, I get the nightmares.

But my husband, for whatever reason, is crazy about me. Certifiable. He'd do anything for me. As I'm typing this, he's in the kitchen making brownies because I'm supposed to take brownies to the women's broadcast at my church tonight, and I'm having such a massively terrible day that I just don't have the energy to do it myself. So he's doing it for me. No complaints, no heavy sighs, nothing to suggest that he might have something better to do. He's amazing.

A while back, I finally really let myself believe that Ben is head over heels in love with me and devoted to me. Since then, I have had very few - if any - nightmares about him leaving me.

So, my brain being the sadistic jerk that it is, it's finding other ways to mess me up.

While Ben was gone, the weight of our infertility was off of my shoulders for a while. He was deployed, so I couldn't get pregnant anyway. I missed him, a LOT, but from this one perspective, it was a bit of a vacation. I didn't have to think about the six and a half years of failed attempts to have a second child.

He came home, and it was awesome. Because having him home IS AWESOME. But of course, no matter how hard I tried to not think about it, the monthly "what if?" battle began again in the back of my head.

I told myself, "You're probably not pregnant. After six and a half years, what are the odds it would happen now?" But I couldn't help thinking, "maybe..."

I said, "It doesn't matter. It'll happen when God wants it to happen. It's out of my hands. Don't worry about it." But in the back of my mind, I was aware of every weird change to my body or mind that could, POTENTIALLY be a sign of pregnancy.

I repeatedly thought, "It's no big deal. Don't think about it. If you think about it, you'll hope, and then you'll be sad when you're not pregnant. We've been doing this for six and a half years! Too many heartaches to count. You're almost certainly not pregnant. So don't think about it. Don't hope. DON'T HOPE." Because, in situations like this, "hope" is a four-letter word in all the negative ways.

But you can't help it. No matter how good you've gotten at not focusing on it, not dwelling on it, not even thinking about it, that tiny hope is always in the back of your mind.

And I'm going to tell you something - I have gotten good at it. I used to stress out about it, but now I live my life without much pregnancy-related stress at all. I've gotten really good at pushing everything down and telling myself that it will all be okay.

But that doesn't mean that the hope isn't there. And where there's hope, there's inevitable disappointment.

However, I've gotten pretty good at that, too. Yesterday, when I found out that I wasn't pregnant, I was fine! I didn't cry or anything. I was a bit short-tempered for a few minutes, but I got over it quickly. I told myself it didn't matter. It'll happen someday. Or it won't.

I don't want my life to revolve around my infertility. Granted, it's something that I don't really keep quiet about, either. I'm not afraid to share my struggles with people, usually in the hopes that my experiences might help them with whatever they may be dealing with. And it is the biggest trial in my life. It's certainly been going on for the longest. So yeah, it's a part of my life. Even a big part of it. But I don't want my entire life to be centered on my infertility. That's not healthy.

So, while it hurts, and while I talk about it pretty frequently on my blog, that's only because it is a big part of my life. And sometimes a girl needs to vent. But it's not the most important thing in my life. Most days, I don't even think about it.

But this is not one of those days.

As I mentioned earlier, I was fine yesterday when I found out that, as usual, I wasn't pregnant. It wasn't a really big deal.

But then, last night, my brain made up for the lack of Ben-centered nightmares and did something truly sadistic.

Last night, I dreamed the same thing the entire night. I even woke up twice and went back to sleep in the hopes that my dream would change.

It didn't.

In my dream, we were living in an ancient empire where, in order for a new emperor to rise, a human sacrifice had to be made. So they chose a person who made little to no contribution to society. Someone who wouldn't be missed.

They chose me.

"You can't have more kids," they told me. "Your daughter is grown enough that she doesn't really need you. You don't have a college degree, or a job. You're good with music, but that isn't really necessary for society. You don't contribute in any way that has any meaning. So it makes sense that you would be our sacrifice."

I dreamed this dream, in many variations, all night long.

So, I woke up today feeling like not only am I a failure as a mother, but also as a human being.

I don't have a college degree. I did six years of college, but I have nothing to show for it. So I can't get a job that makes any decent kind of money.

I don't know how to do anything useful, like fix a car or computer; sew a decent anything; cook anything particularly nutritious or tasty; do taxes or perform surgery or give grand speeches. I don't have any skills of inspiration or persuasion. I can't even convince people to attend a party or a church activity!

So what do I do? I'm a stay-at-home mother with one really easy kid. All I've really wanted from life was to be the wife of a good man (at least I nailed that part), and a mother to a whole flock of children. Instead, I'm the human version of "Parenting for Dummies." I have one easy kid who requires very little parenting. A monkey could do my job.

The only things I'm good at are things that are nice, but not really necessary.

I play the organ at church, but I could easily be replaced by an iPod. And the iPod would make fewer mistakes.

I take pictures, but let's be honest: anyone with a decent camera can do that, too.

I can sing, but there's about a million other people in the world who can sing, too, and most of them much better than me.

I can act, but really, that's purely frivolous entertainment. It's fun, but not really useful. I'm certainly not good enough as a singer or actor that anyone would ever pay me for it.

I really don't do anything that has any genuine value. And I never live in one place long enough to really leave a lasting impression on anyone. Once I move away, I just slowly fade out of people's memories. After a while, it's like I was never there in the first place.

I'm so replaceable. 

So, yeah. Today has been pretty crappy. My brain hates me for some reason, and made that abundantly clear last night. The funny thing is, I never really thought any of those things about myself before. I always thought I was a fairly cool chickie (despite using words like "chickie"). So I'm not sure where my brain is getting all of this from. I had no idea that I had so much self-loathing in my subconscious.

But when I think about it, my brain has a point. What good am I, really? I don't really do anything particularly useful. I just kind of... exist.

I suppose that's true for most people, though. I had just always liked to think that maybe there was a greater purpose for my life than just "existing."

A Real Man

As my husband has been deployed the past few months, we've found that sometimes it's hard to find things to talk about. We're lucky because we get to talk to each other almost every day, either through Facebook chat or Skype. But he's not doing much on his deployment that is terribly exciting, and life here is business as usual. So sometimes we have to get creative to find things to discuss.

This has led me to a deeper understanding of who my husband is. I always knew he was a good man, but I'm not sure I ever realized how good a man he really is.

He's not a stereotypical guy. Because of this, actually, he often doesn't feel like he really fits in or relates to the guys he works with, who are mostly type-A military guys. He doesn't care much about sports (unless it's BYU football, or the World Cup). He doesn't drink, or brag about his sex life. He doesn't swear or yell or crack a lot of jokes. He doesn't like deployments, or even love his job like a lot of military guys do. He doesn't spend all his time at work. He prefers to be home. And while he makes a good leader when it's required, he doesn't actively seek opportunities to be in charge.

My husband is a bit introverted. He's a thinker, and a listener. He enjoys classical music, musical theater, and even ballet. He sings like a (very manly) angel. He quotes movies. He wants to learn karate - and the flute. He plays nerdy video games, and Dungeons and Dragons (when he has the chance). He's passionate about the subject of marriage, and what makes a good marriage work. He loves our daughter, and would be perfectly happy to have a whole flock of daughters, even if it means he never has a son. And he wants a lot of kids. He can shoot a gun with great accuracy, and he'll stand up for other people when needed, but he's not remotely violent.

He's all kinds of contradictions. Not at all a stereotypical guy. But the best part about him is, he's totally comfortable in his own skin. He doesn't feel the need to compare himself with other guys. And he doesn't really care what they think of him.

He was talking with an Army guy a few weeks back and mentioned his love of classical music, theater, opera, and ballet. The guy, a stereotypical alpha male, got a bit uncomfortable and looked for something to say about how "that kind of thing is okay in the military now."

He was, of course, assuming that my husband is gay. Because obviously there's no way a straight guy could possible enjoy those kinds of things.

Ben made a mild attempt to correct him, mentioning that our daughter is a ballet dancer and how he's proud she's following in his footsteps. But the guy was set in his conclusion.

Ben could have whipped out a family picture, or started bragging about his beautiful wife, but instead, he just let it go. He didn't really care what this guy thought of him. It didn't bother him, or make him feel threatened to have his sexuality questioned like that. He's completely secure in his manhood, even when others assume otherwise.

He might be embarrassed to have me tell this story. I hope not, because I don't think it's embarrassing at all. To the contrary, it makes me proud to have a husband who is so secure in himself that he doesn't try to change himself to fit other people's perceptions of what he should be. He is who he is, and he's completely comfortable that way.

That, to me, is a sign of a real man.

More than that, though, I've learned how deep his respect for women truly goes. He's always treated me like a goddess. He's crazy about me, and always sensitive to what I feel or need. And he's completely respectful of me. He never notices other women - not even in magazines or on posters or TV. Well, I'm sure he sees them, but he doesn't objectify them. They don't catch his eye the way I do. I'm literally the only person in the world who does. I've loved that about him since day one.

But I've learned that this isn't just because of his deep, abiding love for me (although that's certainly part of it). My husband truly respects women. He doesn't get angry or terribly vocal about a lot of things, being a fairly introverted guy. But when it comes to the way women are treated, he can go bat-crap crazy on a guy.

There have been changes being made throughout the military to try and stop the objectification of women among the troops. This is so that women who join the armed forces will feel safer and more comfortable. As it is, the military is a bit of a boys' club. While most of the men are decent, respectful guys, you do get the occasional neanderthal types who think they can do whatever they want with any woman they want and it's okay. The military is trying to take steps to prevent that attitude. This includes getting rid of any sexist posters or reading material, and setting rules about not telling racy, off-color jokes and stories.

Most of the guys understand the reasoning behind the rule changes, and are accepting and respectful of it, even if they disagree. A few, though, are vocal about how stupid they think the rules are. They prefer to brag about their exploits, and tell degrading stories and jokes.

There's one guy in particular who Ben works with who is a real loud-mouth. He's fairly sexist, and has little respect for women. He has a friend who was "falsely accused" of raping a girl. Granted, the only evidence he has that it was a false accusation is his friend's word. But he will tell anyone who listens about this girl who ruined his friend's life by crying rape, and then talk about how awful and manipulative women are, and how they shouldn't tease a guy and then cry rape. That kind of thing.

Ben's response the first time he heard the story was this: "Your friend is a rapist." He didn't make excuses for the guy, or nod sympathetically about how terrible women are. He immediately sided with the poor girl who had been raped.

Obviously, none of us knows the full story behind what really happened. But all too often women are accused of lying about rape, when the fact is that most women who cry rape do so because they were raped. I love that my husband doesn't side with those who try to excuse it as something less. He sides with the women.

When we were talking the other day, he sent me a link to a page he was reading on a similar subject. You can find the link here. It's a "change my view" post on Reddit, by a guy who was trying aggressive techniques to get women to go out with him - based on techniques he'd found through an extremely sexist, rapey online group that basically targets women. He wanted to know if there was really something wrong with his aggressive techniques, because hey! It seemed to work!

The part that really interested Ben was the response from a woman who explained exactly why the technique was a creepy load of crap. She talked about the "fight or flight" response a woman feels when being manhandled by a (bigger, stronger, faster) male. She talked about how women often freeze up because they don't know what to do.

Ben was, of course, completely on her side. He and I have talked before about how most women have at least one experience in their life where they're "attacked" by a man in some way or another, even if it never goes so far as rape. I myself can think of at least two separate occasions where I felt like my wishes were ignored, and a guy pressed himself on me - one, to the point where I was actually assaulted. Both times I froze, not knowing what to do. My response was exactly as the women wrote in response to the link above.

My whole life, in the years since those incidents, I've wished I could have reacted more quickly, and done things differently. Now, because of that article (and my sweet husband for pointing it out), I know that it was in no way my fault. It's not my fault I froze, and didn't know what to do. And the fact that, in both instances, I was able to get out of the situation, is something I should be proud of.

When I discussed this with Ben, he was 100% on my side. From the beginning, even before I had this epiphany myself, he knew these stories and always placed the blame squarely on the men who ignored my wishes. And he does the same any time he hears a similar story.

My husband respects women, and sees us as a rare, beautiful treasure. Old, young, pretty, plain, smart, dull, fat, thin - he is on our side, no matter who we are, what we look like, or what our circumstances may be. That doesn't mean that he always thinks I'm right about everything, or that women can't ever make mistakes or do stupid things. We're people, after all, and imperfect. But when it comes to sexism, assault, abuse, or rape, he always sides with the women. And he doesn't put up with crude jokes, innuendos, or anything else from the guys at work.

He respects women. Genuinely. His parents raised him well. I'm so impressed by my husband. I always knew he was a sweet, loving, gentle, decent guy. I just never knew he was such an advocate for women. It just makes me love him even more.

So even though he prefers ballet to football; theater tickets over concert tickets; World of Warcraft over Halo; being with his family instead of hanging with the guys, I can honestly say that in spite of what anyone else might say, he is the very definition of a real man. He knows who he is, he's comfortable in his own skin, and he doesn't feel like he has to prove anything to anyone. He respects women and treasures his wife and daughter.

What more could a girl really want in a man? :)