Let's Pep Things Up!

Okay, that last blog was depressing. I apologize. It was really just one of those days. There's probably a grain of truth to it all, but I really shouldn't have made things sound so dire. There's no nobler calling in the world than being a mother and a wife. Especially being a mother. Just think what a better place the world would be if every child was raised in a loving, supportive home and taught hard work and respect? The world would be well on its way to harmony and peace, I'll tell you that right now. We could solve all the world's problems if that were the case. Saying otherwise, even just when venting my feelings on a blog, is doing motherhood a huge disservice. So, I apologize.

I also need to apologize to my husband. I didn't realize, when writing that blog entry, that he would be portrayed as indifferent, lazy, or entitled. He's not any of those things. All I meant when I said that he could relax and I couldn't was that Evie lets him relax! lol! Seriously, he tries hard to keep her out of my hair when I'm taking a break, but it's difficult. I'm so tuned in to her that my ears have super-hearing when it comes to Evie. I can hear her whining, crying, yelling, etc. even when she's in a different part of the house - and I can hear what she's fussing about. Frequently, it's because she wants me. I'll let Ben handle it a lot of the time, but if she's getting to the point where she's having a meltdown I feel obligated to get up and take care of things. Ben can handle it, but I feel like it's part of my job as the mom to do what I can for my child, even if that means I don't get a lot of down time. Ben does a lot of the chores, too, to make things easier for me, and he even takes Evie out of the house to play sometimes so I can really take a break. He's a gem, that man. Yes, he takes time for himself to read books or play on the computer, but he deserves it. And if I need his help with anything, he puts down whatever he's doing and helps me, no questions asked. I have one of the best husbands in the world, and in my moody, self-absorbed state during the composition of my last blog, I truly didn't see how he would be portrayed by my words. So, Ben, I'm sorry. You're incredible, and I shouldn't have ever made it seem otherwise, even unintentionally.

So! There you have it. Yes, I was having a bad day, but no, most of what I wrote isn't the way things really are. It's an exaggeration. Yes, I wish I had friends to go out with. Yes, I wish I had some sort of hobby that took me out of the house every once in a while. Yes, I sometimes feel like Evie doesn't really need me much anymore, and that my family would be fine without me. Not better off - never that, I know my own worth better than that - but that they would be fine. When I'm in my right frame of mind, though, I see that I'm vitally important to my family's well-being. Ben may be the head of the family, but I'm the heart. All the things I was feeling and expressing had some validity, but not to the extreme that I portrayed. My life is a beautiful one, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade it for anything. I might change some things here and there (A lead in a musical in my free time? Yes, please!), but I would never want to give up my position as wife and mother. I love it, and I love my family.

So, there you have it.

And now, for your entertainment (and to further pep things up): Evie and Cassie in a funny hat!

What's My Motivation?

Do you ever feel unnecessary? I get that feeling sometimes. I'm in one of those moods right at this moment, actually, which is why I'm writing about it.



Being a mom is kind of a thankless job sometimes. Yes, it's all worth it, and it's the most important, rewarding job in the world, but it's thankless all the same. The world looks down on stay-at-home moms, painting them as lazy and unmotivated. Get a job, you bums! Few realize (or, at least, few give credit) that being a mom is a 24-hour, 7-day-a-week job. And it's not just fixing snacks and kissing owies. There's paying bills, doing laundry, combing the hair of wiggling children, convincing your kid not to wear their pajamas out in public, teaching manners, giving pep talks, making dinner, knowing where everything is at all times, giving haircuts, and basically juggling the details of multiple people's lives, all at once.



It's a full-time job, with crazy hours and no pay. When my husband finishes work for the day, or for the week, he gets time off to relax. He can play a computer game, read a book, go to a movie, etc. While he's doing that, I'm still taking care of the kids, the house, and the details. Moms don't get time off to relax. We might get a few minutes here and there, and when we're lucky we get to put everything on other people for Mother's Day, but that's basically it. And even then, if something happens when Mom is relaxing, who do the kids run to? You guessed it. Relaxation time: over.



That's what I mean when I say it's thankless. Moms are just kind of taken for granted, by society as well as by their families.



It's a tough, important job. However, when I really look at the situation, I see that I'm also easily replaceable. A maid and a nanny could do all of my work, and probably do it better than I can. Heck, my husband can do all the same things I do! If something happened to me, my family would be sad, but it wouldn't really shake things up too much. Ben is more than capable of handling things. On the other hand, if something happened to Ben, our entire lives would be turned upside down. I would have to finish school before I could even think about getting a job that pays well enough to take care of my family. I'm planning to finish school anyway, but even then I'll have little work experience. Who would hire me? Ben is not easily replaced. But I am. Ben is more necessary for our family's survival than I am.



It's sad. Taking care of a family and raising kids is an important job. But it doesn't take an important person to do that, I guess.



I think the biggest problem is that I feel like I'm losing myself. I feel like I'm completely involved in being a mom and a wife, with nothing left over for myself. I'm not growing in any way as a person. I don't even have a calling at church to make me feel needed. I don't have anything outside of my family. I want to do theater again, or teach voice lessons, or have interesting places to go and things to see - some kind of hobby, just for me! But we're living in Little Rock for a couple of months, with no time to do theater, no piano in our apartment, and nothing interesting to do. Then we're moving to Abilene, which doesn't seem to have any musical theater productions. I'll have my piano, but who knows if anyone will even want voice lessons? That's more work than hobby, anyway. And the nearest city to Abilene (with interesting sights and activities) is two hours away. So I still won't really have anything for myself. I write in my blog and I write weekly emails, but it's not so much a hobby as an obligation. I do it so I can print it out later, as a journal. No one seems interested in anything I write anyway, so were it not for the journal reasons, I would just stop. Even to my friends and family, the things I have to share are not worth much.



The other problem is that Evie is getting old enough that she doesn't really need me anymore. She appreciates my attention, and I fix her food, but beyond that she's independent. She'll be in school in just a couple of years, and will need me even less. If I had more kids, I would feel more necessary. Babies are so helpless, that you definitely feel needed when you have one. They rely on you for everything. But, of course, I don't seem to be able to have any more babies any time soon. So, what now?



What am I for? It's a terrible feeling, knowing how easily replaced you are, especially when your entire identity is sunk into what you do. If anyone can do what I do, then what makes me special? What sets me apart, and makes me worthwhile?



I wish I had some sort of life apart from my family. I wish I could get involved with a musical, or be given a calling at church that requires some work. I wish more people than just my husband and daughter wanted me for something. I wish there was some niche that I could fill, that no one else could. I wish there was something I could do better than anyone else.



Any ideas?