A Good Old-Fashioned Rant

Today, I plan to cover a number of topics that have been on my mind lately. In the interest of full disclosure, I must warn you that I'm overly tired today, and increasingly moody. So this will definitely not be an unbiased rant. But unbiased rants are no fun anyway.

We'll let my disclosure statement lead us in to my first rant. The topic? Pregnancy symptoms when you're not pregnant.

I don't get them every month, but frequently, after ovulation, my body starts acting like it's in the beginning stages of pregnancy. I get sleepy, my nose starts picking up on smells that usually evade my detection, I have to pee every half hour, I cry at dumb things, etc. These are not normal things for me. And they tend to start a full week and a half before my period is due, so I know it isn't related to that. So my question is this: What the heck?!?! It's just not right. I mean, it's gotten to the point where the pregnancy symptoms don't get my hopes up anymore, but it still doesn't sit right with me that they're happening at all. It's just not fair. No one should have to deal with all the inconveniences of pregnancy unless they're actually having a baby! AmIright?

Granted, we don't know yet what my particular fertility problem is. It's possible that, on the months when these symptoms occur, I am in fact getting pregnant. But somewhere between the conception and the point where my period comes due, something isn't happening like it's supposed to and I'm losing the baby. That would mean I've lost about 15 so far. But that's far too agonizing to think about, so I'm not going to. I'm just going to rant.

Let's dwell on something a little less sad for a while. Have you read the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan? If you haven't, you should - but only if you have a LOT of free time on your hands, because the series is 12 books long so far, and it still isn't complete. Good books, but loooooooong.

There's this character in the books named Elayne, and I hate her. She's got to be the most annoying fictional character ever created, and I include Jar-Jar Binks in that category. She's a princess, and she acts like one - but not in the kind, sweet, lovable Disney way. No, she's a princess with a capital "B." Yes, that IS what I meant to type. She's ungrateful, spoiled, stubborn, and has a serious sense of entitlement. And yet, we're meant to like her! She's not a villain - she's one of the leading ladies! We're supposed to sympathize with her and feel for her. But every time she's in a section of the book, I roll my eyes and find myself thinking sarcastic thoughts.

She's beautiful, of course. She's talented. She's stronger in "the power" (you have to read the books to understand) than almost anyone alive. She's heir to the throne of her country, and she's in love with the hero of the books. In a word, she's perfect. Annoyingly so. That's bad enough.

But on top of that, Elayne is a brat.

A character named Mat saves her life multiple times. Rather than thank him, she sneers at him that she didn't need his help and would have escaped just fine on her own. Then, as he's trying to protect and help her - and even though he's intelligent and heroic (albeit cheeky and frequently sarcastic) - she treats him like a slow-witted serving boy.

Elayne spends a lot of her time rolling her eyes at the people around her and treating them like idiots, although she fails to recognize when she's being one herself. This is especially noticeable when she and Nynaeve are hiding with a traveling circus. She's quick to assume everything is Nynaeve's fault, and that she, herself, is entirely blameless. She also gives Nynaeve a lot of grief about the risque costume that Nynaeve is forced to wear, although Elayne's is far more revealing.

She puts herself in danger without thinking about the cost to the people around her, who often get hurt trying to protect her. As with Mat, she's rarely grateful for this. Rather, she believes that's how things are supposed to be. It's only right for people to die to protect their ruler.

The most annoying thing about Elayne, though, is when she forces the hero of the story, Rand, to sleep with her. She subsequently gets pregnant (of course), and spends literally ALL HER TIME complaining about how hard and uncomfortable pregnancy is. She also uses this time to blame Rand for all of it, because clearly, even though she forced herself on him, it's entirely his fault. Never mind that her gift with the power prevents morning sickness, and she barely gains any weight, and she wants more than anything to have these babies - she still complains non-stop.

"I have to drink milk instead of wine! Eeew!"

"I had to get brand-new beautiful princess dresses made! Waaah!"

"I'm barely showing, but I feel fat anyway because I'm conceited!"

"I keep having mood swings! Stupid Rand! This is all his fault!"

"I can't use my power, so it's like I'm an ordinary person!!! The horror!"

"People keep trying to protect me and my babies! They're treating me like an invalid, not letting me lead my army into battle and mud-wrestle alligators, just because I'm pregnant! It's not fair! Stupid Rand!"

Oh. My. Gosh. If she was a real person, I would punch her in the face.

Granted, none of the above are direct quotes from the books. But if you've read them, you know how accurate they are. And the problem is that the story is told from the perspective of the character you're reading about. So, when we're learning about what's going on with Elayne, we have to be in her head with her. And in her head, she is literally always thinking about her pregnancy and feeling sorry for herself.

The last book, number 11, was great. Elayne wasn't in it once. I wish they could all be like that.

Moving on!

Inflation is getting bad. Over the past few months, I've noticed prices more than doubling on some foods. Most pricing isn't changing quite that dramatically, but it's all climbing. As things stand at the moment, Ben's raises every year are barely improving our financial situation. And currently, the inflation is growing worse than it ever has been, and at an alarming rate.

I'm sure a lot of this has to do with all the money we're borrowing from China, and the trillions of dollars in spending that Congress is shoving down our throats. American money is becoming increasingly worthless. The problem is that people are still being paid the same amounts, so their salaries are essentially shrinking in value.

My particular beef, which I'm trying to get at, is with the government and their treatment of the military.

We didn't choose to have this spending bill shoved on us. We don't want that debt on our shoulders, and the shoulders of our children and grandchildren. But we haven't really been given any choice. The government made that decision for us.

That same government decides every year how much of a raise to give to the military. They do the raises every year to try and keep the salaries consistent with inflation, among other things. But this year, when inflation is worse than it ever has been before and is growing exponentially, they are giving the military the smallest raise they've had since it became an all-volunteer military in 1973.

Granted, it's gone up to 1.9% from the 1.4% Obama proposed back at the beginning of 2010. But still, that's peanuts. It's an incredibly tiny raise. Last year, we got a 3.4% raise. In 2009, it was 3.9%. 2008 was 3.5%. I could go on and on.

Do you see how insignificant this raise is? And with inflation growing, as I said, it's essentially going to be like taking a pay cut.

My question is, of all the places to cut spending, why cut the salaries of those serving in the military? I admit that I am extremely biased in this issue, because my husband is in the military, but even if that weren't the case I would find this atrocious. Why not cut the salaries of those serving in political offices? Maybe then the corruption would go down, because people would be serving because they want to make a difference, rather than just wanting power and wealth. Why not cut down the huge, life-sucking spending bill (which includes money for frisbee golf courses, among other ridiculous things)? Why not get more politicians to drive where they need to go, or fly on commercial airlines, instead of dishing out huge amounts of money to fuel their private jets?

If anyone deserves to be taken care of by their government, it's the military. Especially because it's an all-volunteer force. These men and women weren't drafted. They decided, of their own free will, to fight for their country. They did it because they believe in the freedoms we have, and are willing to die to protect them. They're willing to die to protect us.

People don't join the military to get rich. Nobody in the military makes a lot of money. Most get full tax refunds every year, because they don't make enough money for the government to take taxes out. The government tries to spin this as being a good thing ("Hey! Look! Tax refunds every year! Join the military!") but I think it's a travesty that they're paid so little. They're willing to pay the ultimate price for this country, but their country isn't willing to pay them very much for their service.

It's so sad. People in the military sacrifice so much. It's not just about whether they live or die, though. Even those that live to be 100 make huge sacrifices. There are children who learn to grow up without having Dad (or Mom) around, because he's off fighting. There are spouses who basically become single parents. There are holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays missed. Many of the men are deployed during the births of their children. They miss seeing their baby take his/her first step, or say his/her first word.

They spend their time with a bunch of other military servicemen, living out of tents, watching for attacks, eating cafeteria food, wearing the same thing every day, frequently missing out on baths and indoor plumbing, trying to kill evil men who want nothing more than to kill them first, and often seeing their comrades die right in front of them. They may come home with missing limbs, or other life-changing injuries. Many of them end up with psychological and emotional injuries, too. War is hell, and nobody knows that better than our servicemen and women. But they do it anyway. They fight, so the rest of us don't have to. They are heroes in every sense of the word.

And the government thanks them for this service by paying them next to nothing.

And too many of the people in this country thank them by throwing eggs at military funerals and shouting to the world that these brave soldiers deserved their deaths (There are not a lot of people who do this, granted, but even one is too many, and there are far more than just one).

And the press thanks them by slandering the good work they're doing, and finding reasons to portray them as bloodthirsty monsters.

The least they should get, the very least, is a decent pay raise every year so that they can provide for their families. But this year, they're not even getting that.

It makes me very sad.

After that emotional rant, I'm not sure that I have anything left in me to say.

Except maybe this...

Today is Veteran's Day, but it's not the only day that you can express your thanks to our brave men and women in the military. My hope is that everyone who reads this blog will remember that. If you see someone in uniform in the grocery store, at a restaurant, on the street, at the airport... take the time to thank them. It means so much to them to know that there are people who are grateful for their sacrifices. We can't do a lot about the press, the crazy anti-war protesters, or the government. But we can show our servicemen and women that their sacrifices aren't going unnoticed. Don't save your gratitude for Veteran's Day. Express it at every opportunity you're given.

All the Lucky People

You know, I'm not the kind of person to go after someone who has wronged me. I try to let things go, rather than seek revenge. I'm especially not the kind of person to sue somebody else. I've only ever seriously considered it once in my life, when I was injured during a theater performance. The contract was for the entire summer, and after I was hurt someone told me that the boss had said he wasn't going to pay me if I wasn't going to be working. Considering that I was hurt DURING a performance because the stage was sub-par, this seemed unfair. We needed the money from my salary, and it hadn't been my fault that I'd gotten hurt, it was the boss's fault for having a crappy stage. Anyway, it all turned out to be a misunderstanding - he still intended to pay me for the shows, just not for my hourly-wage day job in the kitchen. If I wasn't going to be working any of those hours, I wasn't going to be paid for them. This was like "duh" in my mind. I didn't expect to be paid for that, anyway. So it all blew over.

Anyway, that was the only time I thought about trying to sue somebody. But there seem to be several people I'm encountering this summer who are very lucky that I'm not the suing type.

Almost two weeks ago, on August 4th (my mom's birthday), we were rear-ended by a drunk driver. It was my car, and I was driving. We were stopped at a red light. He misjudged the distance he needed to stop, I suppose, and slammed into us pretty hard - hard enough to completely shatter my back windshield. It was gone. THEN, he hit us AGAIN, on purpose! He pushed us out into the intersection (fortunately, no more cars were coming from the other direction) in order to pull up behind us, turn right down the street, and make his escape. Some nice girls chased him until the police caught up.

Now, I get that he was drunk. His judgment was impaired. The biggest issue was that he decided to drive drunk in the first place. From that point on, every decision was a poor one. The worst decision (after deciding he was sober enough to drive) was when he hit us the second time, on purpose. That's assault. In fact, since he was in a car, it was assault with a deadly weapon. There were several witnesses to the fact that he hit us intentionally the second time. It would be so easy to sue the pants off the guy.

But we're not going to do that. My mom and I are (more or less) unharmed, the car was repaired in record time (to the tune of $6,500), and insurance is paying for everything. The guy who hit us, on the other hand, was arrested for DUI, leaving the scene of an accident, driving without current registration and insurance, and could easily be prosecuted for assault, as well. There's a good chance he'll spend some time in prison (aside from the time he spent there immediately following the accident). He may lose his job as a result, and in this economy, that can be devastating. His family will struggle. And as I said, I realize that his judgment was impaired. Hopefully this whole thing encourages him to be more careful in the future, and not drink and drive. If I hadn't been stopped in front of him at the intersection, he most likely would have shot straight through the red light. There's a good chance that he would have hit someone coming the other direction, and he or someone else may have been killed. If he's smart, he'll learn from this whole thing and count his blessings that things turned out as well as they did.

If he's not smart, he'll just keep up the drinking and driving until he kills himself or someone else. If he's incredibly stupid, he may even try to sue ME. It happens, crazy people exist. And, in that case, I'll be more than happy to counter-sue. It would be an easy win, especially with the multitude of witnesses. But I sincerely hope that he's intelligent enough to learn his lesson without all that.

The other people who are lucky that I was raised not to be the suing type are the people from the Riot Zone in Rigby, Idaho. Last night, Mom, Joseph, Evie and I went there to do some bumper-boating and go-carting. We went in the go-carts first. While we were waiting to start the race, the guy in charge went over the rules with us. "No bumping into each other" he said. "Stay completely clear of one another. And be especially careful of the cars with passengers, because those kids are small and could get hurt easily. Don't even come close to them." We listened to his advice, and ran a safe race. Then, we went over to the bumper boats for a little while. After that, we decided to do one more go-cart race.

We got there just behind a group of about 6 or 7 teenage girls. It looked like there was a mom with them, too. There was a different guy in charge, but he gave more or less the same rules before we took off, emphasizing again that no bumping was allowed. "If you bump into people, you'll be warned, and if you do it again, you'll be removed from the park."

I was the only one with a passenger this time, so Evie and I were at the back of the pack, right behind Joseph. He's a little slow because he can't totally see over the wheel, but he was going fast enough for it to be fun. The teenage girls, however, were driving pedal to the metal. I figured they would have to slow down behind Joseph like I did. That wasn't good enough for them, however.

Instead of slowing down, they started slamming into me from behind. Repeatedly. I had to slam on my brakes to let them by, to avoid getting smashed into a wall. Then, they went after Joseph. They DID slam him into a wall. I pulled into the pit early, and complained to the attendant. "They were smashing into us repeatedly," I told him. "I have a three-year-old with me. I didn't feel like we were safe."

After everyone else finished the race, we saw that Joseph was crying. His back had been injured from the girls smashing him into the wall. Mom pointed out to the attendant, as I had, that the girls were responsible. "I saw a little of it," he responded, then proceeded to tell the girls to line up at the gate so they could go again.

WHAT???

He didn't give them a warning, or even a glance. He certainly didn't try to forbid them from riding again, or kick them out of the park. He just ignored my mother and me, and let the girls go back to their insane, selfish enjoyment.

Mom and I were furious. As we passed the girls at the gate, Mom said, "Well, I hope you girls are proud of yourselves." I added, "Slamming into a car with a three-year-old? Good job, guys."

They had the decency to look ashamed. Slightly. Then they ran, giggling and screaming, back out to the cars to go again.

We went to the ticket booth to talk to the manager. We were told, "Oh, the manager is over running the go-cart area."

What the WHAT???

So the guy who ignored our complaints and Joseph's tears was the manager???

What is the point of having rules if you don't have the stones to enforce them? And isn't that, most especially, the manager's job???

Joseph was hurt, my three-year-old was endangered, and the manager himself showed a blatant disregard for the rules.

They are so lucky we're not the suing type.

We are, however, going to get in contact with the owner. Hopefully he/she has a little more love for the rules that they, themselves, set. I don't want the manager to get fired. I can understand where a situation like that can be intimidating, especially when dealing with a large group of girls who paid a large amount of money to ride. I do, however, want him to be encouraged to do his freaking job.

As it is, we certainly won't be giving them any more of our patronage. And we have no qualms about telling people what happened. If their business suffers a little bit because of it, that's fine with me. Maybe once they start enforcing their own rules, like they're supposed to, it will be a fun, safe place to go again.

ARGH! It's all so annoying!!!

Anyway, these kinds of things tend to come in threes. I wonder what's going to happen next? Hopefully nothing big enough for the possibility of suing to even be an issue. With any luck, it'll be something really mild, like stubbing my toe on a poorly-placed piece of building equipment while we're volunteers on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Those guys (and what they do for people) are so fantastic, that would be very easy to forget about and forgive. ;) And if it meant I got to be a volunteer, it's a trade I would take any day!

Here's to a brighter future! Fingers crossed!

Making the Case for Adoption

Ben and I are seriously considering starting the adoption process. We don't have a ton of money, but I think it's worth it to use what we have to adopt a baby. If we save all the extra money we have, and we're careful with our budget, I see no reason why we can't adopt, live comfortably within our means, and still work toward paying off our remaining debt at the same time. Going through LDS Family Services, we should definitely be able to afford it. We haven't decided 100% that we're definitely going to go for it, but I'm pretty sure that we are.

What I want to talk about today is the adoption option. Did you like how that rhymed? ;)

More specifically, I want to talk to all the unmarried girls dealing with unplanned pregnancies.

Adoption vs. Abortion

Statistics show that adoptions are down, and infertility is up. Despite the fact that there are more and more couples who desperately want to adopt kids, more and more mothers are choosing not to give their babies up for adoption. Instead, many of them are taking the "easy" way out, and getting abortions instead.

Now, I'm not a supporter of abortion, except in the case of rape, incest, or severe risk to the mother's health. I think getting an abortion is selfish. But I can understand why so many women choose to do that, rather than give their baby up for adoption.

When you choose adoption, that means you have to carry the baby to full term first. That's nine long months of nausea, swollen ankles, mood swings, cravings, and weight gain. That's nine months where people look at you funny, and judge you. That's nine months of having to deal with the real-life consequences of one careless night. That sucks. I get it.

Having an abortion is so much easier. You go in, you get it taken care of, and you move on with your life. No one even has to know that you were ever pregnant. It's so easy!

But the easiest way is not always the best way. It may be better for your own personal comfort. It may be better for your body (although that's not necessarily the case). It may be better for your social life. But those are all selfish priorities. Those are all reasons that are about you. There's no consideration for the baby at all. Generally speaking, being born is a lot better for a baby than being killed is.

I'm not saying that abortion is equal to murder. I'm not that extreme in my views. I have no idea when a fetus becomes an actual person, with a life and a spirit. I can't judge that.

But why, when there are so many loving couples who would be thrilled to take care of that baby, would you decide to scrape it out and throw it in the trash instead? I get it, it's easier. But you can't deny that it's selfish.

I think your conscience will rest much easier if you give that baby to someone who can love and nurture it. You have the ability to give a couple the greatest joy of their lives, if you choose to give your baby up for adoption. Choosing adoption is a completely unselfish choice. It's harder, physically and maybe even emotionally. You will feel that child grow under your heart for nine months. You'll feel the kicks, and the hiccups. You'll see the ultrasounds, and hear the heartbeat. You'll do all of that, knowing that the child won't be yours to keep. You'll be giving it away. That can be heartbreaking, even when you know it's the right thing to do. It's hard. But it's unselfish. It's about love.

By giving that child away, you're showing that you love your baby enough to want it to have a good home, with good parents who can give your baby everything. You're showing love for those poor, desperate parents, who want nothing more in the whole world than a child of their own. You're showing a love and respect for life itself, in choosing to let nature take its course, rather than getting an abortion.

I promise you, that you'll feel peace and joy in your decision. You'll feel much lighter, much happier, and much less guilty if you give birth and let someone adopt your baby. I can't imagine that anyone feels light, peace, and joy after an abortion. For your own peace of mind, if nothing else, adoption is a better option.

It's not easy. But it's worth it.

Granted, I want to adopt a baby, so I'm obviously biased in my opinion. But none of what I've said here is new. I've always felt this way, long before we decided to try and adopt. It seems logical. And it feels true. Please don't disregard what I've said, just because I want to adopt a baby myself. Think about it. What does your heart tell you?

There are so many couples like Ben and me out there, couples who want to adopt children. Couples who can provide for your child, protect your child, and love your child. We're good people. We're good families. I already have one daughter, and I can say with no doubt in my mind that she will be a phenominal big sister. She wants a little brother or sister so badly, she asks for one almost every day. Any child we adopt will be adored. We will love that child every bit as much as we love our own natural child. And we will thank God every day for the unselfish mother who put that child in our arms.

If you know someone who is thinking about giving their baby up for adoption, please refer them to us. We're pursuing all possible options. It's so important to us to have another child. Our family is not yet complete. If you, or someone you know, can bless our family with a baby, I hope that you'll think about it. And even if our family is not the right one for your child, adoption is still the better option. There are thousands of couples who can't have children, and desperately want them. You'll find a family that's perfect for your child. And they will praise you, and your decision to give up your baby for adoption, forever.

Choose adoption. It's about love.

Left Behind

When I got married, it was hard to keep up my relationships with my single friends. It felt awkward. A lot of the things I enjoyed doing as a single girl were no longer as interesting - like hanging out with the cute boys across the hall. As a result, I grew apart from those friends. Once they got married, it was easier to resume those friendships. It's like we were on the same level.

The same thing had happened when I went to college. My friends who were younger than me, and still in high school, got left behind as I moved on to new things and new experiences.

It happened again, to a smaller extent, when I had my first baby. It's easier for moms to relate to other moms.

I think that's why I'm so emotional right now.

I have several good friends who are due with their second children in a matter of days. The whole time they've been pregnant, I've been trying to get pregnant. For some of them, I've been trying to get pregnant with my second child since before they were pregnant with their first children, and now they're having baby number two.

I'm so excited for them. They're good friends, and their babies are going to be gorgeous. But part of me is sad and scared at the same time.

I don't want to be left behind.

I have a kid. I'm a mom. But being a mom with one child is very different from being a mom with multiple children. I've never had to deal with sibling rivalries, or jealousy, or staying up with the baby all night and still taking care of the other kids by day. There's so much that I just can't relate to. I love my friends, but I'm worried that they just won't be able to relate to me anymore.

Our friendships are already weaker than they used to be, just because I don't live near any of them and I probably won't again for a long time, if ever. Long-distance friendships are tough anyway. So I don't think it would take much more to dissolve the friendships completely. I don't want that, though. I love these ladies, and I value their friendship. And that's why this month is so heartbreaking for me.

Subconciously, I think I figured that if I could just get pregnant with my next child before they gave birth to theirs, we would remain on the same page. We would still be part of the same "type." I wouldn't be alienated from them any further.

This month was so promising, too. Everything, as far as I could tell, was perfect. I had a great feeling throughout the month that it was finally time. My BBT was picturesque. I was so sure that I was pregnant, I was starting to imagine how we would tell our friends and family. I was picturing finally meeting my new baby. I was trying really hard not to get my hopes up, but I found myself daydreaming anyway.

Then, of course, it turned out that I wasn't pregnant.

It's too late, now, for me to get pregnant before my friends have their babies. It's a silly thing, I know, but subconsciously it was very important to me. And I'm just now realizing why.

All my friends have outgrown me. Most of them are younger than me, for crying out loud! Many of them didn't even get married until after Evie was born, and now they're on kid #2! I had a huge head start, and now I've fallen completely behind.

The most ironic part is, I'm the only one of my friends (that I know of) that wanted kids immediately after I got married. Ben wanted to start a family right away, too. We didn't use any kind of birth control. We both wanted a big family, and we couldn't wait to start.

Even so, it took 9 months of trying to conceive before we got pregnant with Evie. Now, after 5 years of marriage, she's still the only one we have. And we've been trying for #2 since before Evie's first birthday.

Let's be honest - it's not fair. Good thing we knew that life wasn't fair to begin with, or we'd be feeling really disillusioned by now! Still, wouldn't it be nice if the world actually worked the way we all wish it did?

Part of the struggle I'm having, I think, is not just because my friends are all moving on with their lives, reaching points that I can't seem to get to. Part of it is that they are mostly all younger than me, some by several years. They're young, and many still have a good 15 years of childbearing potential ahead of them. They also have the fertility to back it up if they choose to.

I'm turning 28 next week. I hate it. I hate being so much older than my friends. I'm even a year older than my husband. And all I can think about is, that I only have about 10 years left where I'll even be able to get pregnant. And with the amount of time and difficulty this is taking, it's a very real possibility that we'll never get that big family we dreamed of from day one. My time already feels like it's starting to run out.

There are just so many things pressing down on me right now, to make this month's disappointment greater than usual. I'm happy to say, however, that I don't have any bitter or harsh feelings towards any of my friends. A year ago, that would not have been true. I would have been angry and resentful at their good fortune and my lack thereof. That's the one blessing I've gotten from this difficult trial. I've learned to let go of my anger and envy, and just love my friends. I'm genuinely happy for them. Considering all the pain and frustration I felt in the past, that's a minor miracle in itself.

My sadness comes, as I said, from feeling like I'm being left behind; that I'm getting old; that I'm a failure compared to my friends. I even feel like I'm a disappointment to my sweet husband, who wanted a big family as much as I did. He doesn't feel that way, he's still crazy enough to think he's lucky to have me. But I feel like I'm less than he deserves.

Anyway, that's why this month is a tough one. I still have hope that we'll have more kids. I believe in my heart that we will. It's just a matter of time, and I'm learning patience.

I just hope, in the meantime, my friends don't forget me completely.

Let's Pep Things Up!

Okay, that last blog was depressing. I apologize. It was really just one of those days. There's probably a grain of truth to it all, but I really shouldn't have made things sound so dire. There's no nobler calling in the world than being a mother and a wife. Especially being a mother. Just think what a better place the world would be if every child was raised in a loving, supportive home and taught hard work and respect? The world would be well on its way to harmony and peace, I'll tell you that right now. We could solve all the world's problems if that were the case. Saying otherwise, even just when venting my feelings on a blog, is doing motherhood a huge disservice. So, I apologize.

I also need to apologize to my husband. I didn't realize, when writing that blog entry, that he would be portrayed as indifferent, lazy, or entitled. He's not any of those things. All I meant when I said that he could relax and I couldn't was that Evie lets him relax! lol! Seriously, he tries hard to keep her out of my hair when I'm taking a break, but it's difficult. I'm so tuned in to her that my ears have super-hearing when it comes to Evie. I can hear her whining, crying, yelling, etc. even when she's in a different part of the house - and I can hear what she's fussing about. Frequently, it's because she wants me. I'll let Ben handle it a lot of the time, but if she's getting to the point where she's having a meltdown I feel obligated to get up and take care of things. Ben can handle it, but I feel like it's part of my job as the mom to do what I can for my child, even if that means I don't get a lot of down time. Ben does a lot of the chores, too, to make things easier for me, and he even takes Evie out of the house to play sometimes so I can really take a break. He's a gem, that man. Yes, he takes time for himself to read books or play on the computer, but he deserves it. And if I need his help with anything, he puts down whatever he's doing and helps me, no questions asked. I have one of the best husbands in the world, and in my moody, self-absorbed state during the composition of my last blog, I truly didn't see how he would be portrayed by my words. So, Ben, I'm sorry. You're incredible, and I shouldn't have ever made it seem otherwise, even unintentionally.

So! There you have it. Yes, I was having a bad day, but no, most of what I wrote isn't the way things really are. It's an exaggeration. Yes, I wish I had friends to go out with. Yes, I wish I had some sort of hobby that took me out of the house every once in a while. Yes, I sometimes feel like Evie doesn't really need me much anymore, and that my family would be fine without me. Not better off - never that, I know my own worth better than that - but that they would be fine. When I'm in my right frame of mind, though, I see that I'm vitally important to my family's well-being. Ben may be the head of the family, but I'm the heart. All the things I was feeling and expressing had some validity, but not to the extreme that I portrayed. My life is a beautiful one, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade it for anything. I might change some things here and there (A lead in a musical in my free time? Yes, please!), but I would never want to give up my position as wife and mother. I love it, and I love my family.

So, there you have it.

And now, for your entertainment (and to further pep things up): Evie and Cassie in a funny hat!

What's My Motivation?

Do you ever feel unnecessary? I get that feeling sometimes. I'm in one of those moods right at this moment, actually, which is why I'm writing about it.



Being a mom is kind of a thankless job sometimes. Yes, it's all worth it, and it's the most important, rewarding job in the world, but it's thankless all the same. The world looks down on stay-at-home moms, painting them as lazy and unmotivated. Get a job, you bums! Few realize (or, at least, few give credit) that being a mom is a 24-hour, 7-day-a-week job. And it's not just fixing snacks and kissing owies. There's paying bills, doing laundry, combing the hair of wiggling children, convincing your kid not to wear their pajamas out in public, teaching manners, giving pep talks, making dinner, knowing where everything is at all times, giving haircuts, and basically juggling the details of multiple people's lives, all at once.



It's a full-time job, with crazy hours and no pay. When my husband finishes work for the day, or for the week, he gets time off to relax. He can play a computer game, read a book, go to a movie, etc. While he's doing that, I'm still taking care of the kids, the house, and the details. Moms don't get time off to relax. We might get a few minutes here and there, and when we're lucky we get to put everything on other people for Mother's Day, but that's basically it. And even then, if something happens when Mom is relaxing, who do the kids run to? You guessed it. Relaxation time: over.



That's what I mean when I say it's thankless. Moms are just kind of taken for granted, by society as well as by their families.



It's a tough, important job. However, when I really look at the situation, I see that I'm also easily replaceable. A maid and a nanny could do all of my work, and probably do it better than I can. Heck, my husband can do all the same things I do! If something happened to me, my family would be sad, but it wouldn't really shake things up too much. Ben is more than capable of handling things. On the other hand, if something happened to Ben, our entire lives would be turned upside down. I would have to finish school before I could even think about getting a job that pays well enough to take care of my family. I'm planning to finish school anyway, but even then I'll have little work experience. Who would hire me? Ben is not easily replaced. But I am. Ben is more necessary for our family's survival than I am.



It's sad. Taking care of a family and raising kids is an important job. But it doesn't take an important person to do that, I guess.



I think the biggest problem is that I feel like I'm losing myself. I feel like I'm completely involved in being a mom and a wife, with nothing left over for myself. I'm not growing in any way as a person. I don't even have a calling at church to make me feel needed. I don't have anything outside of my family. I want to do theater again, or teach voice lessons, or have interesting places to go and things to see - some kind of hobby, just for me! But we're living in Little Rock for a couple of months, with no time to do theater, no piano in our apartment, and nothing interesting to do. Then we're moving to Abilene, which doesn't seem to have any musical theater productions. I'll have my piano, but who knows if anyone will even want voice lessons? That's more work than hobby, anyway. And the nearest city to Abilene (with interesting sights and activities) is two hours away. So I still won't really have anything for myself. I write in my blog and I write weekly emails, but it's not so much a hobby as an obligation. I do it so I can print it out later, as a journal. No one seems interested in anything I write anyway, so were it not for the journal reasons, I would just stop. Even to my friends and family, the things I have to share are not worth much.



The other problem is that Evie is getting old enough that she doesn't really need me anymore. She appreciates my attention, and I fix her food, but beyond that she's independent. She'll be in school in just a couple of years, and will need me even less. If I had more kids, I would feel more necessary. Babies are so helpless, that you definitely feel needed when you have one. They rely on you for everything. But, of course, I don't seem to be able to have any more babies any time soon. So, what now?



What am I for? It's a terrible feeling, knowing how easily replaced you are, especially when your entire identity is sunk into what you do. If anyone can do what I do, then what makes me special? What sets me apart, and makes me worthwhile?



I wish I had some sort of life apart from my family. I wish I could get involved with a musical, or be given a calling at church that requires some work. I wish more people than just my husband and daughter wanted me for something. I wish there was some niche that I could fill, that no one else could. I wish there was something I could do better than anyone else.



Any ideas?

A Look Back

I thought that, in honor of my 5-year wedding anniversary, I would post some pictures of my little family over the years. Let's compare and contrast and see how much we've grown! (Literally - darn love handles!)

Year One, 2005-2006:

Here we are, fresh-faced, innocent newlyweds. Look how thin and lovely we are! How unconcerned with the cares of the world! How optimistic about the future!

Here we are a mere 3 months later. As you can see, we're looking a little shell-shocked. Of course, that may be more due to the family reunion we were attending than for any reason to do with our marriage.

We went mini-golfing with my sister and Ben's brother. After attempting to steal me away from Ben, my brother-in-law went on to hit my sister in the head with a golf club. On accident. Twice. Kids, this is why you should never fake-sword-fight with golf clubs!


Here we are with my aforementioned sister and our friends, Heather and PJ. We all went to the fair in Idaho Falls, and for some reason we felt inspired to purchase cowboy hats. We still have them, even though we (Ben and I, at least) have not worn them since.

At this point, in January '06, I'm pretty sure Ben was starting to wonder what he'd gotten himself into. But I got pregnant with Evie that month, so I guess he MUST have still liked me! ;)




Year Two, 2006-2007:

Ben was gone for a good chunk of that summer, when most of our photos were taken, so we'll skip ahead to September - just a few weeks before Evie was born! As you can see, Ben is still thin and lovely (aside from the ironic basketball under his shirt), whereas I am beginning to look like a beached whale.

Halloween, about a month after Evie was born. Let's face it - we have tons of pictures from this time period, but we only seem to be able to catch one parent at a time. So a compare-and-contrast set of pictures from the same evening will have to do. See? Evie likes me better. ;)

This is from right after our visit to Romania for Christmas. Ben discovered that, by marrying me, he gets to see the world whenever we visit my family! As of now, with 5 years of marriage behind us, we have gone exactly... one places. Huh. Not much of a perk after all, I guess. Joke's on you, Ben! ;)

Ben and I practicing our, "Tough Air Force Guy and Even Tougher Air Force Wife" faces.

Ben was a little grumpy and disinclined to be photographed after he broke his collar bone. That may, in part, be because I made his sling into a fun hat! ...Poor Ben.

Year Three, 2007-2008:

At Rock Canyon Park in Provo, enjoying the sun and taking pictures of our cute family! This is the only one we had of the two of us. We took it while Evie busied herself trying to figure out what the funny green stuff growing out of the ground was.



Ben and I were in a show that summer. Here we are, looking lovingly at my brother. Don't ask me why, I really couldn't say. I'm pretty sure it was my brother's idea.

My aunt, Kristi, took pictures of my immediate family (parents, sibs, etc.) by the river in Idaho Falls. While we were doing that, we got some beautiful shots of our little family, too! Aren't we adorable? :) Please note, this is the only time you'll see Ben with long hair for at least another 10 years. Enjoy it while you can.

Our apartment in Provo, February 2008. We were getting ready to go play in the snow. Of course, I'm the one holding the camera, so I'm not pictured. It's all good though, I probably wasn't so cute that day. ;)

We're such an adorable couple! And we both look wicked good in blue. :)

Year Four, 2008-2009:

For our anniversary, we got to go to Disneyland! My brother stayed with Evie while Ben and I vacationed for a week! It was kind of hard, because Evie would have loved Disneyland, but it was awesome to get some alone time. This is pretty much the only picture we have as a couple, but rest assured, we have a LOT of awesome pictures of this trip!

This is us at my aunt Kathi's house. She has a trampoline, and Ben, Evie and I all enjoy jumping on it. :) I like this picture, even though it's not terribly flattering, because our bodies make a kind of sloppy heart shape. It's like our marriage - sometimes we're sloppy, sometimes we're not looking so hot, but through it all we have a firm foundation of LOVE!

At my sister's wedding in August. Evie was a flower girl, I was the "Matron" of Honor (what a terrible word! Ugh!), and Ben was my arm candy. My sister was gorgeous, of course. I just hope she can look back on her first five years of marriage with as much joy as I do!

Pensacola, Florida! We were in Alabama for 6 weeks of training in September and October, so we took some time to visit the beach! Evie loved it, and I absolutely did, too! The sand was cool, the water was warm, and the day was perfect!

Evie's (and my) first live college football game! Go BYU! I don't remember much about it, probably because Evie fell asleep in my arms and everyone around me was standing up so I couldn't see anything... But hey, it was fun getting into the spirit of the whole thing!


Whew! What an eventful year! After this picture, though, we moved away for Air Force pilot training... and all the fun came to a grinding halt. Ben couldn't go on any trips, he was working 12-hour days, and we barely noticed our 4-year anniversary. Still, we love each other more than ever, so I can't really complain. The hard times do more to show what your marriage is made of than the good times do.

We skip ahead to March, where Ben has just completed his first solo flight (and was subsequently thrown into a shady-looking pool of water). I'm not involved in this picture or the events (aside from being the one behind the camera), but I use it as an example of why Ben won't be in many pictures for the next year. He was busy learning to fly!

Year Five, 2009-2010:

Evie and I relieved our boredom with trips to the zoo...

Vacations with family...


And having little photo shoots, where we'd practice our Derek Zoolander faces. :)


That's not to say that Ben didn't spend any time with us. He certainly did his best to make us his first priority. That, in my opinion, makes him a real man. He puts his family before everything else. What a stud! :)

Finally, he graduated! Now we get to see him a little more. Until he starts deploying, of course. ;)

The last five years have been amazing! Look how far our little family has come! We went from being dirt-poor college students living on hopes and dreams, to fully-functional adults contributing to society and raising an angel in human form. Our love has grown exponentially over the years, and I barely remember a time before Ben and I were together. It's been an incredible 5 years. Here's to 5,000,000,000,000,000 more!

I love you, Ben!

Hubba Hubba Hubby

Have I ever told you how lucky I am?

I was thinking about it today, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's in the whole existence of the world. Yes, I have my trials and tribulations. Yes, life is hard sometimes. Yes, sometimes I wish some things were different from the way they are. But when you get right down to it, I'm crazy lucky to have my life.

Most especially, I'm crazy lucky to have my husband.

I know what you other married ladies in the reading audience are thinking: "Well, her husband might be good, but he's not as great as my husband!" Well, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. My husband is better. ;)

Okay, okay, it's a matter of opinion. I realize that. You may very well believe that your husband is the best in the world, and in fact, I hope you do. I hope that each and every one of you thinks your hubby is tops. Because that's the way it should be.

But still, mine's the best.

I can't believe that he married me, of all people! What was he thinking???

Anyway, allow me to illuminate why my husband is the best in the world.

1) He's handsome. Not just stereotypically, movie-star handsome, either. It goes beyond that. He has these blue eyes that you could drown in. And he's got one of those long, straight, proud Roman-esque noses. And his eyebrows have this unique curve to them, so he's got this perpetually interested, sweet, innocent look on his face. I love those eyebrows. I know, that sounds weird, but it's true. He's a little self-conscious about them, I think, because I comment on them a lot (and let's face it, eyebrows are a strange thing to comment on), but I do it because I genuinely love them. They make his whole face more interesting, and more handsome.

2) He has the world's best arms. They're nice and long, lean, and have just the right amount of muscle on them. He wraps his arms around me, and I just melt. I feel so safe when he holds me, like nothing bad can ever touch me again. His arms are strong, but gentle too. Going along with that, he's got these big, strong hands. They're also super gentle. His hands always feel so soft when he touches me. They convey his feelings perfectly, too. When he touches me, I can feel in his touch how much he loves me.

3) He's the perfect height. He's tall enough that I have to look up to see into his eyes, and stand on my tiptoes to kiss him. I like that he towers over me, it makes me feel dainty. :) Plus, when he holds me, my head rests comfortably against his chest, where I can hear his heart beating. It's a soothing sound.

4) He's an Air Force pilot! Is there a cooler profession in the entire world? If so, I haven't heard about it. It's exciting to realize that I'm married to a pilot. There are probably thousands of women in the world (probably more), that wish they could marry a pilot. It's such a cool job! He flies multi-million-dollar machines through the sky, fighting bad guys! Evil-doers, beware! ;)

5) He's a worthy priesthood holder. He's given me lots of blessings over the years we've been married. He's helped me get through difficult times with multiple blessings. When Evie gets seriously sick, he's the first one I turn to, because I know he has the power to help her get better. He has that power because he lives worthy of it. He tries his best every day to keep God's commandments and live like he's supposed to. He's a virtuous, wise, spiritual man who tries to emulate the Savior in every aspect of his life. I know that I can turn to him for counsel when faced with a problem, and he's in tune enough with the Spirit to be able to give me wise advice.

6) He's patient. We rarely fight, because he rarely gets annoyed. Even when I'm being difficult, he takes it all in stride and waits for me to calm down (and feel sheepish about things), so we can talk it out. He's patient with Evie, too. If she throws a fit, he just tells her, "You can cry if it makes you feel better" and waits for her to chill. I've never heard him raise his voice in anger. Because of his patience, I've become a more patient person as well. I haven't gotten to the same amazing level that he's at, and I'm not sure that I ever will, but I've definitely grown. I've noticed that instead of snapping at him when I'm annoyed, I stop and think about the situation first. Usually, I'll recognize what I've done wrong in the situation instead of focusing on what he did to annoy me. I'm able to let go of my anger and frustration. Usually, no conflict will arise at all. It's amazing how he's made me a better person, just by being so patient himself.

7) He's 100% loyal to me. He seriously thinks I'm some sort of goddess. If I have a bad dream about him cheating on me, or divorcing me, he just tells me that I'm crazy because that would never happen. He doesn't even look at underwear ads in magazines or at the mall. He doesn't even notice them. He only sees me. I don't think he even recognizes that women besides me really are women. He just sees them as "people." If we pass an attractive young lady at the store or on the street, he doesn't notice her. At all. She just doesn't register. He's got blinders on as far as other women are concerned, and I love that. I don't feel like I'm all that pretty, but I have absolutely no doubt that he thinks I'm the most gorgeous creature God ever created. Going along with that, he has absolutely no respect for men who do have wandering eyes. There's nothing more disgusting to him than the thought of infidelity. In this world, where adultery is commonplace - even encouraged sometimes! - he's a minor miracle. And I know that he'll have eyes for no one else but me for the rest of eternity. That's the best feeling in the world.

8) He trusts me and supports my decisions. He'll offer advice and suggestions, but when I'm in charge of something in the home, he lets me be in charge. He doesn't look over my shoulder and tell me what I'm doing wrong. He doesn't try to make me do things his way. He sees me as an equal, even as his superior in some ways (although I can't say I fully agree with him in that regard). As his wife, I'm not beneath him. I don't walk behind him. I walk beside him, as an equal partner. He's not a tyrant or a dictator. He respects my opinion, and trusts my judgment.

9) He's smart. This guy can fix a computer, or make it do things I didn't even know were possible. He barely has to study for his pilot training, because he retains information so well. He's got an amazing analytical mind. He studied engineering in college for a while before switching to linguistics. Both of those lines of study are pretty brainy. He wants to learn Arabic and Mandorin, as well as easier languages like Spanish and French. He can solve complex math problems that I can't even read without getting a headache. He's a brain, but he's also humble about it.

10) He loves our family. He treats me like a queen, and our little girl like a bona-fide princess. He's kind, gentle, patient, and loving. He makes time to play games with Evie, even when he's tired or busy. He'll stay up late talking to me, even though he's exhausted, because he knows how much I appreciate that time we have together. He works hard to support our family, but always makes sure to have quality time with us. He even chose a sim schedule at work recently that lets him be home with us all day, even though it means working until 3 in the morning. He wanted to be able to be home for dinner, and to help put Evie to bed, so he picked the more difficult schedule. One of his main reasons for joining the military in the first place was to help keep our family safe. He wanted to ensure our safety, and the safety of our county, by personally fighting to guarantee that safety. He's our hero.

Those are just a few of the millions of reasons I love my husband. He truly is a gift from God. I never imagined that such a man existed, and now I'm married to him! He's mine forever, and I am his.

See? I told you I was lucky. :)

I Think I Understand Now

Yes, folks, this is going to be about the pregnancy issue. Again. But I'm mostly writing this stuff down for my own benefit, so I can go back and re-read it in the future, and remember what I've felt, understood, and learned. You don't have to read it if you don't want to.

I started off the morning by reading my patriarchial blessing, as well as the blessing Ben gave me last month when he graduated from UPT. Graduation was the beginning of a new chapter of our lives, after all. And it's a chapter wherein he'll be deployed a lot, so a blessing seemed like a good idea.

Anyway, I read both of those, seeking comfort and guidance. After I finished with them, I turned to my favorite passage of scripture, the one that always seems to be speaking to me. It's Doctrine and Covenants section 6, where the Lord is talking to Oliver Cowdry. I relate to those passages in so many ways, it's been kind of my go-to section of scriptures since I was in high school, for times when I'm struggling.

After I finished reading, I sat down and pondered things for a while. This two and a half years of infertility has been hard. I've spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, and wondering why everyone else around me seemed to be having babies while I couldn't get pregnant. It wasn't a fun time. Gradually, I was learning acceptance and patience, but it was difficult even so.

I realized today, though, that God doesn't just have a specific plan and mission for me. He has a plan for each one of His children. We're not just put on this Earth to have a good time and see how we cope with challenges. Each one of us has a purpose.

Taking that into consideration, I began to realize why I wasn't able to get pregnant. A child's birthdate determines a lot of their experiences in life. If they're born at one time, they'll meet certain people, make certain friends, and have certain experiences. If they're born at a different time, all of those other things will be different as well.

God gives all of us the start we need in order to complete our missions here on Earth. He's not going to send a child down at the wrong time, just because the mother is feeling impatient.

It seems totally selfish of me, now that I think about it. I was focused on me, on how the infertility thing was making me feel, on how I was being affected. I didn't really stop to consider that my children all have specific purposes in life, and that when they're born will be a big part of accomplishing those purposes.

Now that I see it that way, I understand why I haven't been able to get pregnant. It's not time yet. My babies will come when they're supposed to come, and not a minute earlier - no matter how much I may kick and scream and curse. (Not that I've ever literally kicked and screamed and cursed, but you get what I mean.)

It makes the whole situation a lot easier to handle when I look at it that way. God isn't giving kids to my friends because He likes them better. I'm not being punished for anything. God isn't witholding babies from me for any reason. He loves me, and I will be blessed with more children if and when it's right. I don't need to feel sorry for myself, or wonder what's wrong with me. I just need to be patient, and put my life (and the lives of my children) in God's hands.

I'm so grateful for my testimony of God, of Jesus Christ, and of the gospel. The gospel truly does make life so much sweeter, and so much happier. And I'm so grateful for the understanding that God has blessed me with. I just wish I hadn't been so stubborn about the whole situation - maybe I would have seen the answer sooner, and been able to spare myself some grief!

Live and learn, right? :)

Growing!

Good news, all! I'm growing as a person! Not so much physically, but emotionally.

As I'm sure you've all noticed, I've had a hard time being surrounded by pregnant friends since we started trying for baby #2, two and a half years ago. Sometimes it feels like everyone I know is pregnant - even though that's not actually the case. Still, it didn't help spending the last year in a young ward where there was definitely a higher-than-average pregnancy rate. Also, since most of my Facebook friends are around my same age, there are a lot of pregnancy/baby announcements and updates online. A lot.

It's been hard for me. That's no secret. There's not much worse than looking around and feeling like some kind of freak. I wonder sometimes what's so wrong with me, that I'm not Super-Fertility Woman (heck, I'm not even Regular-Fertility Woman). There are excited announcements popping up on almost a daily basis, but none from me. Even the people I know who have struggled getting pregnant have been successful in the time since we started trying again. It kind of sucks.

And sometimes people unintentionally say things that hurt, which makes it harder. A lot of people just don't understand what it's like, struggling with getting pregnant. I have a few friends who practically get pregnant just from their husbands smiling at them the right way. They're so fertile, they really can't empathize with me. They've never been in a situation anything like mine. That makes it hard for them to know what to say, and unfortunately they spend more time saying the wrong thing than being helpful, even when helpful is what they're going for. I try not to get too upset about it, because I know they mean well. But it still sometimes feels like a slap in the face, and it's worse when it comes from someone who's super-fertile and just doesn't understand.

Anyway, the lack of understanding coupled with the excess of pregnancies around me has made me very grumpy. I tell myself over and over again that I'm happy for my pregnant friends - and I am! I hope they all have perfect pregnancies and completely healthy babies. But I can't help feeling a little resentful, even as I recognize that the problem is not with them. It's with me.

It doesn't help that my friends are all so much prettier than I am, too. It's like adding insult to injury!

ANYWAY! The good news is, I'm growing. I've been praying so hard to let go of my envy and resentment. I hate feeling that way, and I know that I'm subconsciously driving a wedge between myself and my preggo friends. I don't want to do that! I really, really, really don't want to do that! I love my friends, and my own personal problems are not their fault.

I didn't think I was having much success letting go, however. As much as I tried not to feel jealous and mean-spirited, I couldn't help thinking angry thoughts sometimes. But I kept trying, and finally it seems to be paying off.

A friend of mine announced her pregnancy on Facebook today, and the only thing I felt was 100% happy for her and her husband. This is their first baby, and I love these friends, and I'm so happy for them. Even now, after it's had a chance to sink in, I feel completely happy for them. There's no bad feeling in me at all.

I'm not sure why things suddenly changed for me. Maybe it's because this is their first baby. Maybe it's because this particular friend has never said anything rude or thoughtless to me regarding my own situation, intentional or otherwise. Maybe it's because my body seems to finally be doing what it's supposed to do every month (this is my third month of charting my temperature, and the first that has actually looked like it's supposed to - which of course gives me hope that I'll get pregnant soon myself).

Maybe I'm actually growing up.

I certainly hope I am. I've been trying really hard for a long time now to reach this point. It's a much better feeling, being happy for people, than feeling resentful and self-pitying.

Let's hope it sticks.

Random Thoughts

I haven't written a blog entry in almost two months, so I figured that was reason enough to try and pound something out. I don't really know what to say, but that just means we'll all be surprised to find out where this leads!

I always get good ideas for blogs at night, when I'm falling asleep. Then, the next day, I can't for the life of me remember just what those good ideas were. It's more than a little frustrating.

Speaking of nighttime, and sleep, I dreamed last night that we hadn't moved to Little Rock yet, and that Ben was loading up two huge moving trucks with our stuff. He couldn't fit all of our stuff in, however, probably because he was just chucking everything in without trying to make it fit nicely, so it was this huge tangle of furniture and boxes. It was frustrating. And, in my dream, when I tried to get him to do it a different way he was like, "Who the heck are you? I'll do this however I want, you weirdo." So apparently we weren't married, either. I tried to remedy that by flirting with him and wearing cute, albeit moderately revealing clothes, but he wasn't interested. What do you suppose that means?

I really wanted to get Evie back into dance classes when we moved out here, but apparently they only take new students at the beginning of the semester or whatever. The schools in the area have already paid recital and costume fees for their recitals in June, so there's no way we could get a costume for Evie in time. That's probably the biggest reason for it. So we'll have to wait until we move to Abilene in October and hope it's not too late to enroll her then. I know she misses dancing, and I know she's bored with no one but me to play with, but I'm not really sure what to do about it at this point. Poor thing.

I watched The Incredibles with Evie last night. It was the first time I'd seen it in a long time. I'd forgotten what a fantastic movie it is. That part where they're on the plane, and the missiles are coming at them, and the mom is yelling, "Abort! Abort! There are children on board!" still gives me chills and makes me cry. As a mom, I can only imagine how terrifying a situation like that would be. Yeah, I'm a boob, I know. I cried a couple of weeks back watching My Friends Tigger and Pooh with Evie, too. I was listening to Kanga's voice and I thought, "That's how a mom should sound. Her voice is melodic, soothing, and totally maternal. I sound like a 12-year-old when I talk." That's when I found my eyes tearing up. That's when I realized that I was probably a little hormonal. Or crazy.

A lady at church gave a talk on Sunday (weird, I know!) and she said something that has really stuck with me - you know, over the past 4 days. Anyway, what she said was, "Blessings don't always come at convenient times." I'd never really thought about that. When you think about blessings, you think about things that make you happy, improve your life, etc. You think about things that you were excited to find out about. You don't generally think about things that made you go, "Oh. Okay." But it's really true! So many times stuff happens to us that we just don't want at the moment. Maybe it's an unplanned pregnancy, or finding a dog on the side of the road that needs a home, or getting a calling at church that you didn't really want. Those kinds of things are often inconvenient, and stressful. But most of the time, they turn out to be huge blessings as well.

I've been thinking lately about how it would kind of stink to get pregnant anytime in the next few months. That's not to say that I wouldn't be thrilled, it just would be more convenient if it happened at a different time. Ben, Evie and I want to go see our families for Christmas this year. We have a whole big vacation planned. Ben hasn't been allowed any leave time pretty much since he commissioned in the Air Force two years ago, so he's got a lot stored up. We want to use it to try and go to Idaho and see our families from Thanksgiving-New Year's. We're really looking forward to it! The thing is, if I get pregnant in the next few months, I'll be right at the end of my pregnancy at that time and wouldn't be able to go. That's not to say that it wouldn't be more than a fair trade, it absolutely would, it would just be kind of inconvenient.

But blessings don't always come at convenient times! As I think about it more, Evie's already going to be more than 4 years older than the next kid. Do I really want to increase that age gap? Heck no! The sooner we get pregnant, the better, as far as I'm concerned! I'm not even going to use the word "inconvenient" anymore, in relation to getting pregnant. If it happens, it will be a huge blessing, and will be 100% welcome and convenient. Yeah, it will be sad not to see our families, but it will be a fantastic reason for missing Christmas with them.

On the other hand, with my luck I still won't get pregnant and they'll deploy Ben so he can't have Christmas with us anyway. That's not really a blessing in my mind, so I can call it "inconvenient" all I want. On the other hand, Ben's being deployed would be a huge blessing to the people he'd be helping.

I'd still rather have him with me for Christmas.

It's kind of sad that I have very few super-close friends that aren't related or married to me. I know it comes with growing up in the military, but I think a big part of it is just me, as well. I was in Utah for 7 - 8 years, which is a good amount of time, but I still don't have any friends that I talk to more than once or twice a month. We send emails occasionally, but that's about it. It's kind of sad. We moved here to Little Rock two weeks ago, almost, and I haven't heard from any of my Oklahoma friends. It's lonely, starting over in a new place, and I don't feel like there are many people I can call. I'm sure if I did call, most of my friends would be completely thrilled to hear from me, but I think I worry about being an inconvenience (there's that word again!) to them. I worry that, now that I'm far away, they would feel like they were wasting their time, talking to me. It's an irrational worry, I know, but years and years of not hearing from long-distance friends has led me to subconsciously believe that once I'm gone, they don't really care much about me anymore. I am lucky, however, that I have a wonderful family - and wonderful in-laws! - that I can call if I really need to talk. I don't get to talk to them as much as I'd like to, either, but at least I don't worry that I'm imposing when I call them. Anyway, I wonder how much of all this insecurity is due to the way I grew up, and how much is just my nature?

The newest Fablehaven book is coming out next week, as is New Moon (which I still haven't seen), and The Princess and the Frog came out this week! March is a good month for entertainment, I guess. :) Also, apparently it's a good month for giving birth. I think literally half the people I know have March birthdays. What's up with that?

My thoughts seems to have finally run dry, and Evie's been in here 5 times to ask me for lunch (it's only 12:30 for crying out loud!), so I guess I'd better end there.

The End.