Dreams

Last night, Ben brought me a pregnancy test and told me to take it. It was one of those new-fangled computer chip types. I went ahead and took it. While I was waiting for my results, the test made several offers to me (online colleges, book-of-the-month clubs), which I declined. Suddenly a big notice flashed on the screen, "Your results are in!"

The screen showed a little video clip of a woman dressed as a mail carrier. She smiled into the camera, and displayed a package marked "Special Delivery."

"Congratulations!" she said. "Your own special delivery is on its way!" Then the screen went blank except for the word, "PREGNANT."

I was shocked. The test was positive. Finally, FINALLY I was pregnant!

I threw open the bathroom door and told Ben the good news. The look that crossed his face was one of disbelief, hope, and incredible joy. He swept me up in his arms and hugged me as we cried into each others' shoulders. After almost two years of waiting, we were finally pregnant.

As the tears of joy flowed down my face, I realized that I was dreaming. I hadn't actually taken a pregnancy test, although the time was drawing very near that I could. I woke up, my heart pounding, feeling an overwhelming sense of disappointment. I wiped the tears off my face and lay back in my bed, contemplating my dream.

It had felt so real. And most months, waiting to find out if I was pregnant or not, I dreamed of blood, cramps, and frustration - which then would come to pass. Never before had I dreamed of such a joyful result. So this felt like a sign to me.

I couldn't go back to sleep anyway, not with the way my heart was racing, so I went into the bathroom and pulled out one of the pregnancy tests I had stashed there. It was just a cheap dollar store test, but I had it on good authority that they were effective. And, since I've been taking so many over the past couple of years, it seemed like a good idea to buy several.

I took the test, and while I waited for the result, I prayed. I prayed that I was finally pregnant, that the dream had been a sign; I prayed that the test would give me the true answer, one way or the other; and I prayed that if, once again, I wasn't pregnant, my heart wouldn't break. I prayed for faith, for optimism, for strength, and for hope for next month - assuming I would have to try again next month.

After a few minutes of fervent prayer, I checked the test.

Negative.

I guess my dream wasn't a sign after all. It was just a beautiful, wonderful, heartbreaking dream.

But, maybe next time it won't be.