Testing: One, Two, Three...

My hands shook as I put the cap back on the pregnancy test and set it on the counter. I washed my hands, then left the bathroom. I avoided looking in the mirror as I passed, afraid to see the hope in my eyes.

I crawled back into my bed, and stared at the digital alarm clock on the dresser, waiting for the three minutes to pass. As I watched the minutes crawl slowly by, I prayed.

I had been praying a lot over the weekend. My period was supposed to start on Saturday, and hadn't. I'd waited until Monday morning to take the test, figuring I'd get an accurate result by then. But over the whole weekend, I was a bundle of nerves. I prayed almost constantly, asking for strength and optimism if the test came back with a negative result. I didn't want to get my hopes up, my heart had been broken too many times over the year and a half Ben and I had been trying for another baby.

As I waited to see what the test said, I reminded myself over and over that it was okay if I wasn't pregnant. I already have one perfect child. Asking for more would be greedy. There are many people (some of whom I know and love dearly) who can't have any children. Just having one is a blessing of massive proportions.

Even knowing this, however, didn't soften the ache much when multiple tests had come back with negative results over the past months. We'd been trying for our second child for so long, I was literally beginning to miss him. That's weird, I know, but it's true.

Last night, I barely slept. It looked, and felt, so promising. A missed period is supposed to be a pretty sure sign, right? And I felt like the time was finally right. I felt like there might, just maybe, be a tiny person beginning to grow inside of me. But I had been wrong before. And so, I slept little. I woke up every few minutes to check the clock. I had crazy dreams, all revolving around botched pregnancy tests.

Finally, at 6 am, I'd gotten up and taken the test.

Now, I just had to wait.

As the three minutes finally passed, it took all of my courage to get out of bed. I was terrified to look at the pregnancy test, terrified of having my heart broken again. Again, I prayed for faith and strength in the face of a negative test result. At the same time, I hoped as hard as I could for a positive one.

My hands were shaking uncontrollably. I flipped on the light switch in the bathroom, and mustered my courage. Finally, I looked at the pregnancy test.

It was negative.

Again.

It took a long time for my shaking hands to steady, for my pounding heart to slow down. I didn't cry, and I was very proud of that fact. I told myself, "We'll try again next month." At the same time, part of me screamed, "I don't want to do this anymore! Month after month, I go through the same thing! Watching, waiting, looking for a sign... I'm tired of the heartache!"

But I smothered that tiny voice in my heart. I told myself that, as long as I have faith, God will take care of me. That doesn't mean I'll necessarily have any more children, but He has a plan. If I can believe in Him, and in His plan for me, I will be happy. That's what He wants, you know - for me to be the happiest I can possibly be.

So I didn't let myself cry. I didn't let myself doubt. I couldn't help hurting a little, but I think that's probably okay. I'm not really looking forward to going through the whole thing again the next time I have a late period, but I still believe that it will eventually pay off. And when it does, I will no doubt be that much more grateful, and that much happier about it, than I would have been if getting pregnant hadn't been such a trial.

Then, Ben asked me how I was doing. That one sympathetic question opened the floodgates.

I didn't want to let myself cry, but I couldn't help it.

It's one thing to say you'll be strong and optimistic no matter what. It's an entirely different thing, trying to push the pain aside and actually be strong and optimistic. I think I'm getting better at it, though.

And one thing's for sure - I definitely won't take any of my kids for granted.

The Fairest in the Land

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young princess named Evelyn. She had rosy cheeks, thick, glossy hair, and wide brown eyes. The people all agreed that the princess was the fairest maiden in the land.

But Evelyn was more than just beautiful. She had a kind heart.

She smiled at everyone she met. She went out of her way to help those in need. The princess was never mean, impatient, or rude to others. She loved to make people happy.

Princess Evelyn was very sweet, very kind, and very beautiful. Everyone in the kingdom loved her.

Everyone, that is, except the witch.

The witch lived in a swamp not far from the palace, with her pet slug, Booger. She was a mean, ugly old bat. She kicked puppies for fun. She never missed a chance to spit in someone's soup. She spent her free time throwing rocks at passing people and animals. She hated all things beautiful and good - especially the princess, who was beautiful and good all the time!

"Ooh, that princess makes me so mad!" the witch told Booger one day. "I bet if she wasn't so beautiful, she wouldn't be so good, either! If she was ugly like me, she'd probably be mean and miserable, too!"

This gave the witch an idea.

"That's it!" she shrieked at Booger. "I'll cast a spell that will make her as ugly as I am! Then we'll see how good and kind she really is!"

Cackling madly, the witch got to work. "This is going to be fun," she grinned.

*****

The next morning, Princess Evelyn woke to the sound of birds singing outside her window. She climbed out of her bed and went to the window to greet the birds.

"Good morning, friends!"

The birds froze, staring at the princess.

"What's wrong?" Evelyn asked.

As one, the birds screeched in terror and took to the air, flying away as quickly as their tiny wings could carry them.

"Oh dear," the princess said, "I hope they're all right. I wonder what frightened them?"

Princess Evelyn walked over to her mirror, to comb her hair. When she looked in the mirror however, she was shocked to see a hideous face staring back at her. She screamed in terror. The face in the mirror screamed back at her. Evelyn whirled around, checking the room behind her. No monster. Timidly, she looked into the mirror. The face was peering back at her.

Evelyn gasped. The creature in the mirror was wearing her pajamas!

The princess slowly raised one hand. The monster did the same. She jumped up and down. The image in the mirror copied her. Evelyn lifted her hands to her face, watching as her motions were mirrored again.

Her face felt hairy. Her skin was rough and scratchy. Her cheeks drooped down from her face, like a bulldog. Her beautiful hair was gone, with only the occasional wispy patch remaining. Most of her teeth had disappeared as well, and those that were left were crooked.

Evelyn's eyes filled with tears. She hid her face in her hands, sobbing loudly.

The monster in the mirror was her.

The queen heard her daughter crying, and came to see what the problem was. When she opened the door, the princess screamed and hid in the closet.

"My love," the queen asked, "What's wrong?"

The princess just cried more loudly.

"Why don't you come out here, so we can talk?"

"No!" Evelyn shouted. "I can't! Nobody can see me like this!"

The queen was bewildered. "Like what, darling?"

The princess sniffed. "Mama, I'm ugly."

Laughing, the queen said, "You could never be ugly, sweetheart! You're the most beautiful girl in the land!"

"Not anymore." Princess Evelyn slowly walked out of the closet, facing her mother.

The queen gasped. "Oh no! What happened?"

Evelyn's eyes filled with fresh tears. "I don't know, Mama. I woke up like this."

The queen began to cry as well. "My poor baby! We'll find a way to fix this." Hesitantly, the queen moved over to the princess, put her arms around her, and hugged her tightly.

"Remember," the queen told Evelyn, "No matter what happens on the outside, you're still the same beautiful person on the inside. Nobody can change that."

*****

Evelyn hid in the palace for weeks, refusing to let anyone but her mother see her. Finally, though, she realized that she couldn't hide forever. She was the princess, and the people needed her. So she got dressed, wrapped a scarf around her head to hide her hideous face, and went out.

The princess walked to Old Mother Sally's house, a basket of food on her arm. The elderly woman had been ill for several months. Princess Evelyn often brought her food and company, to lift Sally's spirits and help her get well.

When Old Mother Sally saw the princess, however, she was frightened.

"Who are you?" she asked. "What do you want?"

"It's me, Evelyn" the princess answered softly. "I know I look... different. But I'm still the same person I've always been, and I'd like to visit with you if you'll let me."

"I'd... rather you didn't" Old Mother Sally responded. "Please, just go."

Princess Evelyn bit her lip, trying not to cry. "Very well," she answered. "I'll just leave this basket of food on the table for you." She set down the basket and hurried out the door.

Evelyn was feeling hurt, but decided that she would try again, somewhere else. She often volunteered at the royal soup kitchen, handing out food to the poor and down-on-their-luck. "I'll go there" she decided. "They need the help. Surely they won't turn me away just because I'm ugly."

At the soup kitchen, the other volunteers stayed far away from the princess. They did need the help, but they were all too scared to stand near her.

Princess Evelyn tried to ignore the loneliness she was feeling and focus on handing out food. But the poor were afraid of her, too. No one wanted the food she was offering. Finally, the old man in charge of the soup kitchen came over and asked her to leave. "I know you're just trying to help, but you're scaring people away," he said.

The princess left, once again feeling sad and rejected. "How can I help people if they're afraid of me?" she wondered.

Suddenly, the princess heard a yell for help. It was a child, terrified and crying. "I hear you!" she called, breaking into a run. She chased the sound through the streets, around corners, up and down stairs, until she found the source of the noise.

A little boy had fallen into the river. He was clinging to a rock as the water swirled around him, trying to sweep him away.

He spotted the princess. "Help me!" he cried. "I can't hold on!"

"I'm coming," the princess promised. Quickly, she pulled off her shoes and jacket. Then she remembered the scarf tied around her head. She didn't want anyone to see the extent of her hideousness, but the scarf might get tangled in the water and choke her. She realized that the boy's life was more important than her own insecurities. She ripped the scarf off of her head and dove into the water.

Princess Evelyn swam quickly over to the rock and pulled the boy into her arms. "I've got you" she promised, and launched herself toward the shore. Thanks to many years of swimming lessons, Evelyn had no trouble fighting the current and pulling the boy to safety.

As she staggered out of the water with the little boy in her arms, Evelyn saw that a crowd had gathered on the shore. They stood staring at her, frozen at the sight of her monstrous face.

"What are they staring at?" the little boy whispered.

The princess looked at him, bewildered. "What do you mean? Look at me! I'm a monster. It's no wonder they're frightened."

Wide-eyed, the little boy gazed up at the princess. "You're not a monster. You saved me. You're the most beautiful person in the world."

A cry came from the back of the group of bystanders. "Matthew!" a woman shrieked, pushing her way through the crowd. "Matthew!"

The little boy turned toward the sound. "Mama!"

The woman ran up to the princess, who still held Matthew in her arms. She reached for her son, and Evelyn handed him over, shyly backing away.

Matthew hugged his mother fiercely. "I'm okay, Mama. I'm okay. She saved me."

For the first time, Matthew's mother noticed the princess. She looked shocked when she saw Evelyn's appearance, but recovered quickly, changing her shock into a smile.

"I don't know who you are, but I'm forever in your debt. You saved my little boy. I can never thank you enough."

Evelyn smiled hesitantly. "It's okay, really. Anyone would have done the same. I just got there first."

"And I'm so glad you did," Matthew's mother smiled. She looked down at the little boy in her arms. "Maybe now he'll learn not to play in the river."

Matthew looked sheepish. "Yes, Mama."

The princess turned away, not wanting to interrupt. She picked up her jacket and shoes, wrapped the scarf around her head, and began to walk away.

"Wait!" Matthew called. "You saved me, but I don't even know your name."

The crowd turned as well, curious to hear the answer.

Evelyn blushed, embarrassed by all the people looking at her. "Um," she answered. "My name is Evelyn."

Matthew laughed. "Like the princess?"

The princess flushed more deeply. "Exactly like that, yes."

Matthew's mother was staring at Evelyn. "Wait," she said, "You are the princess, aren't you?"

Someone in the crowd laughed, but was quickly shushed. Everyone stood staring at the princess.

"Y-y-yes," Evelyn stammered. "I am."

Desperate, she tried to explain. "I woke up like this a few weeks ago. I don't know what happened. I'm... I'm a monster now." She hung her head, ashamed.

Matthew's mother walked up to the princess and put a hand on her rough, hairy cheek. "You are not a monster," she insisted. "You saved my son's life. Only a truly beautiful person puts others before themselves."

The mother turned to the crowd. "Beauty is something that comes from inside a person. The princess may have changed on the outside, but she is still the same selfless, kind, beautiful person she has always been. She proved that today. She is still the fairest in the land."

The crowd cheered. The princess, overwhelmed by the love of her people, put her hands to her face and began to cry tears of joy. As she cried, she felt something strange. Her face felt smoother beneath her hands. It wasn't so hairy. Her mouth felt full of straight, even teeth again, and she could feel the weight of her thick hair on her shoulders. Stunned, the princess lowered her hands, staring at the faces of the people around her.

Her shock was reflected on every face she looked into. The hideous creature that had stood before them was gone. Princess Evelyn's outer beauty had been restored.

"I'm beautiful again," the princess whispered. "I'm beautiful again!"

Matthew took Evelyn's hand, and smiled up at her. "You always were."

The End

I Stand All Amazed

President Monson gave a talk yesterday in the morning session of General Conference. More than any other talk over the weekend, that one has stuck with me powerfully.

Don't get me wrong, conference was great. I thoroughly enjoyed every talk. But this particular talk is one that I think I'll remember for the rest of my life.

He told the story of a woman living in East Prussia during WWII. Her husband was killed in one of the last battles of the war. That, in and of itself, was something that really moved me. Ben's in the military as well, so naturally I've thought about how my life would change if he were killed in battle. The fact that this good woman's husband died right at the end of the war adds an extra sense of tragedy to it. He made it through almost the entire war, just to die at the very end.

Anyway, after the war was over, East Prussia was divided up among Russia, Poland and Lithuania. The German citizens were forced to evacuate. This woman was forced to take her four small children and embark on a long journey with nothing but the clothes on their backs, and whatever small amount of goods could fit in her tiny wooden wagon. Almost everything they owned was left behind.

They suffered hardships on the road. She had to scavenge for food wherever possible, but with the thousands being evacuated and heading the same direction, food was scarce. As they traveled, winter set in with below-freezing temperatures. She and her children found themselves having to walk with cloth wrapped around their feet, because by winter their shoes had long since fallen apart. Their clothes were thin and ragged, and at night they only had a couple of thin blankets to protect them from the cold.

The woman woke up one morning to find that, during the night, her three-year-old daughter had frozen to death. Using the only implement she had - a table spoon - she dug a grave in the frigid earth and buried her toddler. Afterward, she took her three remaining children and continued on her way, leaving the tiny grave behind.

A few days later, her seven-year-old son died as well. Again she used the spoon to dig a grave, and buried her oldest child.

Not long after, her five-year-old son also succumbed to the harsh weather and lack of food. The spoon was put to use as a shovel a third time, and she was left with only her infant daughter. The baby was failing fast.

When the baby died, the spoon was too destroyed from the previous three burials to be of any use. The woman used her bare hands to dig the grave, tearing and bruising her fingers against the frozen earth.

After her final child was gone, she despaired. She began thinking of ways to end her own existence. She could jump in front of a train, or even just lay down and let the cold and starvation take her as it had her children.

A still, small voice prompted her to kneel down and pray. She rejected the idea, but again it came. Finally she fell to her knees and prayed for understanding, for help, even for death.

When she arose again, she was filled with light. Her prayers had strengthened her testimony, and her resolve. She knew, without a doubt, that she would see her family again. In spite of the pain of her present situation, she rejoiced in the knowledge that her family would be together forever, and that she would be able to raise those children to adulthood in the next life. She would be able to kiss her husband, hug her children, smile and laugh with them agan.

She felt the Lord's love for her. She knew that He wanted her to continue on with her life, and that He would be supporting her on the way.

When she arrived at her final destination, she was emaciated. Her face was grey and purple from the cold and hunger. Her clothes were tattered, and she could barely stand. But those around her said she was incredibly happy. She had found peace and joy in the knowledge that her Heavenly Father loved her, and that Jesus had died to make it possible for her to live with her family forever.

As President Monson was telling this story, my heart was breaking. With the death of every family member, my tears came a little faster and my heart felt a little heavier. When her final child died, I was thinking the same thing she had - "What's left to live for?" In the same situation, I, too, would have been looking for a way to die. I don't know if I would have had the same strength that she did, the strength to keep going. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me, but even that knowledge and the knowledge that I would be with my family again might not be enough for me. It would take an honest-to-goodness miracle to get me to where I'd be able to keep going, because I don't think I'd be able to get there on my own.

I hope that, in the next life, I have the opportunity to meet this amazing sister. Her trials and testimony have inspired me to face my own with more faith and better grace.

I, too, know that my Father in Heaven lives and loves me. I know that the Savior suffered all things in Gethsemane. He understands every pain I have felt or ever will feel. He's felt it all, so he has perfect empathy. He's the only person who does have perfect empathy, so naturally I should turn to Him when I need help and support. Who else can strengthen and support me so well? I also know that He died on the cross, and was resurrected three days later. Because of His sacrifice, He has made repentance possible. Because of repentance, we have a shot at living in heaven after we die. Without repentance, we would never be clean enough for heaven. But because Christ acted as a mediator, and paid the price of all our sins, repentance is possible.

I also have a testimony of eternal families. I have been sealed to my husband in the temple, which means our marriage will last forever. I feel like anyone who gets married "til death do us part" is getting a raw deal. If you really love your spouse, wouldn't you rather be with them forever? And because Ben and I are sealed together, any children born to us are sealed to us as well. Evie will be my daughter forever. Any other children I have will also be my children for eternity. Similarly, I will be my parents' daughter for eternity. They will always be my parents, and my siblings will always be my brothers and sisters. I have an incredible family, and I love them more than anything in the world. I am so insanely blessed to be able to be with them forever.

I hope that if I'm ever forced to face trials like the ones the East Prussia sister had to go through, I can have the same strength and faith that she did. Well, actually, I hope that I never have to face such overwhelming trials. But if I do, I hope I can overcome them, and come out stronger on the other side, just like she did.