Sabbath Day Thoughts

I haven't written in over a year. I suppose that's in large part due to the "Year of Gratitude" I started last July. I was posting a different blessing every day on Facebook. The posts were like mini-blogs, so that's probably why I didn't bother with this one.

Today, though, I feel like I need to share my thoughts. I don't want to share them to the world at large, though - or even my personal group of Facebook friends. I want to share this with the people who truly care about me. I'll put the link on Facebook, but I fully expect that most of my Facebook friends won't click on it. Only my family, close friends, and those who genuinely care about me the most will take the time.

And those are the people that I want to share this with - the people who love me.

Life is hard. I've gone through trials in the past, and I'm still facing trials today, I don't know that there is ever more than a day or two at a time that feel truly trial-free. We're all constantly struggling through something.

What I've learned, though, is that trials aren't necessarily a bad thing. I used to be so afraid of them. I used to worry about what kinds of terrible things might happen to me, or to the people I love.

And yes, terrible things do happen to good people. I can't even tell you the number of times I've read about a tragedy in the news, or heard about it through the grapevine, and shed tears for the people involved. I find it all too easy to imagine myself in their shoes, and understand in some small way what pain they must be feeling.

Tragedies happen every day. But while every day features terrible lows somewhere, there are also incredible highs.

There has to be opposition in all things. If we were never sick, we wouldn't appreciate what a blessing it is to be well. If we were never hungry, we wouldn't be grateful to have food. If we never knew sorrow, how could we ever truly have joy?

Trials, as awful as they are, can also be great blessings. They shape and strengthen us the same way a blacksmith uses incredible heat to shape metal into something better and more beautiful.

My testimony has grown so much through the trials I've faced over the past decade. Through eight years of infertility, especially - through prayers, and tears, and anger, and hope, and priesthood blessings, and finally learning patience - I have become a better, stronger, more Christlike person. I've developed a personal relationship with the Savior, and a desire to do His will in all things.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that I can do anything God wants me to do. All things are possible with Him. And I am willing to do whatever it takes to become the person He wants me to be.

As my faith has grown, I've come to realize that there is nothing this life can throw at me that I can't conquer if I rely on the Lord. No matter how terrible the trial, I can endure. It may be painful, agony even, but I can and will endure with the Lord's help. And I'll become a better person because of it.

I realize that there's an excellent chance that greater trials and tragedies than ever before are coming my family's way. That's how we grow. That's how the Lord humbles us, and encourages us to lean on Him. He sends us trials, then helps us carry the burden. And throughout the process, He helps us become better people. It's through the worst experiences that we gain the most growth, and feel the Lord's love the most strongly. But that will only happen if we allow it. We need to choose to rely on the Lord and recognize the tender mercies He sends our way.

It probably sounds counter-intuitive, that trials will help us grow, but it's true. And, in my opinion, the Lord rarely, if ever, actually makes bad things happen to us. He loves us too much for that. I believe he simply allows bad things to happen. Often those bad things are a result of other people's poor choices. He lets us make bad choices, and He allows the resulting consequences. Then He helps us deal with the fallout, and turn those consequences into opportunities to become better people.

There are, of course, other trials that come our way merely as a part of life. Sickness, injury, natural disasters, etc. - a lot of people choose to blame God for those things, but it's part of living in this world. Sometimes, stuff just happens. But if we trust in the Lord, we never have to face that "stuff" alone.

The Lord allows us to go through incredible trials, so that we can learn to become more like Him. And the more Christlike we become, the more peace and happiness we'll have in our lives. Without sorrow, how could we ever truly learn joy?

I still have so far to go, personally. I'm nowhere near Christ's level. But, looking back at the person I was ten years ago, I can see there's an unequivocal difference. Ten years ago, I was impatient, hot-tempered, selfish, pessimistic, and pretty shallow. Since then, I've learned how to be patient. I've learned how to put my trust in the Lord, and let Him steer the course of my life. I've learned not to worry so much. I've learned to look at the blessings in my life, and focus on the positives. I've learned that I can do anything, survive anything, and become anything if I trust in God.

I've learned that my Heavenly Father and Savior love me more than my mind can ever begin to comprehend. And I will do anything to become the person they want me to be.

The biggest trial in my life now, of course, is that Ben and I no longer believe the same things. We still love each other more than anything else in this universe, but we're not as united as we once were. And it's hard sometimes.

I wish I could give my faith and conviction to my husband, and my daughter,  and any future children we may have. I wish they could know what I know, and feel what I feel. I wish I could share it with all the people I love. But I can only make my own choices. I can't control what my husband does or believes. I can't make my daughter's decisions for her, or give her my own personal testimony.

I want more than anything to be with my family, and with my Heavenly Father, for time and all eternity. But I can't force them to live the way the Lord wants them to live. I can only live my own personal life, and choose those good things for myself.

For the rest, I need to let go and trust the Lord. And I need to remember that He loves my family members even more than I do. He wants them to be with me - and with Him - forever. He's on my side, and He wants the same things I do.

He's a powerful teammate to have. And I know He'll help me to be a blessing to the people I love.

The people we love.

But ultimately, it's up to them to make their own choices. All I can do is pray for them, think about them, strive to help them, and more than anything, love them.

Because I do. I truly love my husband beyond words, beyond understanding, with every aspect of my soul. And I will do anything and everything in my power to be with him forever, even if it means suffering through unimaginable trials.

After all, trials are only for an instant. This life is such a fleeting moment when compared with the grand scale of eternity. No amount of pain we face here could possibly be worse than spending eternity without our loved ones. So, if my suffering here on Earth will lead to my family being together forever, I say bring it on. I will do my best not only to endure, but to endure it well.

My family is worth it. And my Heavenly Father and Savior are worth it. And I will do whatever it takes to be with them forever.

The Lord has a plan for each of us, and He shapes us through our trials, to help us become the people He intends us to be. Our life is a journey toward becoming those best versions of ourselves, so we can have joy, and do the work He needs us to do. If we put our faith in Him, and do what He asks of us, we can literally work miracles. Our trials may be painful. They may tear our hearts apart. They may be agony to our very souls. But they will be for our good.

"My [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

I wonder what the Lord's plan is for me? Who will I be in another ten, twenty, thirty years?

What would I see if I could look at myself through God's eyes?