The Moody Moving Blues

Okay, those of you who know me know that I moved a few months ago. The move I'm talking about today isn't super recent. We moved to California right after school got out in Texas, so we've been here almost three months.

But even though the boxes are unpacked, Evie's settling into her new school, and we've gotten relatively familiar with the area, "the move" is still happening in a sense. It's still a trial in one very specific way.

It's the part of the move that brings along a deep sense of loneliness and abandonment.

It happens with every move. Anyone who moves regularly throughout their lives will understand this. You move to a new place, you make wonderful friends, you promise to stay friends forever, you move away, and people who once communicated with you on a frequent or even every-day basis stop communicating with you at all.

The end result is that you know (and are fond of) a very large number of people, but you have almost nobody you can call an actual, lifelong friend. Because the friends only seem to last until you're gone. And then: out of sight, out of mind.

It sucks.

As someone who has moved consistently during my life, never in one place for more than a few years, I'm all too familiar with this phenomenon. It happens with every move. And in each new place, I make new friends and think, "These are such good friends, there's no way we'll lose touch when I move away!"

And then we do.

I'm sure a lot of it is my own fault. I try to reach out to people through texts, emails, Facebook, and even by commenting on people's statuses. But I don't do a whole lot more than that. Mostly because it feels like people are too busy with their own lives (and their friends who have NOT moved away) to have time for me. And I don't want to be a bother.

Long-distance relationships are hard. That's just as true for friendships as for romantic relationships. Maybe even more so, because when you're in love with someone you're more focused on them and them alone. Whereas with friends, most people have several, so losing one isn't going to make a huge dent in their lives.

The thing is, it does make a huge dent for the person doing the moving. I don't know if the people I've had to leave behind really realize that. I'm sure some of them do, but those who move infrequently might not.

The people back home have familiar surroundings.

The person moving is in a foreign environment.

The people left behind have consistent schedules and plans and lives.

The person moving has uprooted everything they know and is starting over.

Most importantly, the people back home have other good friends to hang out with. They have people asking them how they're doing with missing their friend. They have others around them to cheer them up, distract them, and be aware of them.

The person moving has nobody but the immediate family members who moved with them. They have to completely start over and try to fit in with the people around them and make new friends. Nobody knows who they are or what they might need or how they're feeling. They're very isolated.

It's incredibly lonely.

I'm doing my best to get to know people in my new ward at church and in my new neighborhood. I try to be friendly, outgoing, and likable. I agree to everything I'm asked to do by other people, in the hopes that it will give me a chance to get to know them.

The problem is that friendships take a long time to really develop. It's rare to find a person who you like and get along with so perfectly that the friendship just happens.

I had that once, with Juleigh. When we first really started talking to each other, we hit it off almost immediately. I still remember how giddy and happy I felt because I knew without a doubt that I was finally making a friend in Abilene.

And even with that, we had both been living in Abilene for several months before we found each other.

Friendships take time. It's hard, making real friends. You rarely see anyone's true nature until you've been able to spend a lot of time with them. And when you're new somewhere, all the interactions you have with people are pretty superficial. Everyone - including yourself - is still trying to make a good impression. You only see people's best sides. And since nobody is one-dimensional, you can't really get to know a person until you see a little more than their Sunday best.

So you spend a lot of time alone, missing the people you've left behind. And when you never hear from them, it just increases the sense of loneliness. It takes a toll on your self-esteem, feeling that you're so easily forgotten. It makes you wonder if anyone really cared about you in the first place.

So my advice to anyone who happens to read this blog post is this: If you have a close friend who moves away, don't take the easy way out. Don't fill in the void they leave in your life with other people and let your friend slip away from your life and your heart. Don't push them out of your thoughts.

I know, if you love someone, it hurts to think about them when they're far away. But if you really love them, aren't they worth the heartache?

Take time to talk to them. Text them. Message them. Skype with them. Call them. Send a letter, even! But do it. Most friendships consist of conversations anyway, and it's totally possible in this day and age to have a long-distance conversation. You can talk to someone on the other side of the world every single day, and it's ridiculously easy to do. There's really no reason that communication needs to die.

And remember, your friend is probably struggling. They're lonely, and likely having a hard time adjusting to their new home. If you love them, take the time to reach out to them, even if it makes you miss them more. Let them know that they aren't forgotten. They'll be so grateful, and your friendship will only grow stronger.

Then maybe you really will have that life-long friendship everyone deserves.