Lose the Battle, Win the War

Next month will be officially six years since we started trying for baby #2. It simultaneously seems like a short amount of time - just look how fast Evie has grown! - and an eternity.

One thing I know for sure is that I have grown hugely as a person over these past six years. In large part, I believe it is because of my infertility. I've had to learn faith, patience, kindness, not to be bitter and jealous, and how to embrace the Lord's plan for me. I've drawn closer to Him, and become a better person because of it. My infertility is still difficult for me, of course, but I don't feel despair about it anymore. In fact, I haven't been consumed by despair in several years. If I had, these past six years may have literally driven me insane. But I have learned to lean on the Lord.

I know for a fact that there are more children waiting for me. They're having to be patient, just as I am, while they wait for God to send them down to this life and let them finally join our family. I've felt them around me in the temple. I've received blessings that have told me that they're coming. And I've felt the Holy Spirit speak comfort to me, and let me know that it will happen. 

The hardest part of every month, of course, is the dreaded two-week wait in the latter half of each cycle. I ovulate, then I have to wait and see. It makes me crazy. For the most part, I've learned to be pretty chill about it and live my life like a normal human being. The thing is, my body is weird. Rather than just starting my period at the end of the two weeks like any normal woman, I spot. Starting about five days before my period is due, I start seeing little spots of blood when I go to the bathroom. This means that, rather than just having to wait and watch for one day, I have to start watching almost a week before most women do. So, any time I make it through a day or two of no spotting, because it happens so infrequently, I start to get my hopes up. I can't help but believe that it's finally time, and I'm finally going to be pregnant. But I still can't know for sure, because there are still three or four more days before my period is actually due! It's beyond frustrating.

That last week of every cycle is grueling. Especially on the rare occasions when I don't see the spotting right away. Usually I do, and that ends the question, and I can move on. But when it starts late, it gets my hopes skyrocketing up every time.

This month the spotting didn't start until the actual day my period was due. Five days late. For me, that is unheard of! The latest I've ever been before this was maybe two or three days. I have never been so convinced in all my life that I was pregnant... and been wrong.

And the thing is, I knew when the spotting didn't start that there were still five days to wait before I actually missed a period. I knew that, in fact, I didn't know anything at all! But as each day passed, it got to the point where I almost couldn't even conceive of the idea that I was not pregnant this month. It was almost literally impossible to imagine! I didn't tell anyone (besides Ben, and even then I just told him that I was cautiously optimistic), because I'm not stupid, but I truly believed it. With all of my heart and soul.

And when I prayed about it, I felt so good. I felt confident, and peaceful, and happy. I felt... changed. Different. Like there was another little spirit sharing my body.

So when the spotting finally started, I almost didn't believe it at first. My usual reaction is to cry. Even though I've been working for so long on being faithful, and even though I've come such a long way and grown past feeling angry and resentful, I still usually cry. Well, I cry when my hopes have been up. If I didn't think it was going to happen that month anyway, I'm usually okay. But months like this one, where it seems almost inevitable that I would finally be pregnant - I cry. After a day of crying and eating chocolate, I'm okay again. But there's always crying.

This time, there hasn't been. Granted, it's still brand new, but I haven't cried. I suspect it may be because of how close I've been feeling to God over the past several days. I'm choosing to believe that that closeness and peacefulness and confidence was God's way of telling me that it's almost time. I was wrong about it being this month, but I do believe it's coming soon.

And maybe God has been waiting for my faith to grow to the point where something like this can happen, and I can remain faithful without missing a beat. Without breaking down and berating myself for being stupid and believing it was time. Without despairing over my inability to understand what the Spirit is trying to tell me.

I still feel a bit of all of those emotions, of course. But this month, for some reason, my peacefulness hasn't deserted me. My hope hasn't fled, even momentarily. Maybe I've finally grown up enough where I can put myself fully in the hands of my Lord, and trust His plan.

And maybe that's what He's been waiting for me to learn.

I'm not saying I'm going to get pregnant right away. It still may take some time. But I feel strongly that it's coming.

God gives us trials for a reason. He wants us to learn from them, and grow. He's not a mean kid, burning us like ants under a magnifying glass to see how we squirm. He's a loving parent, using these moments in our lives to teach us. Waiting for us to learn, and realize our full potential. I'm in no way perfect, but I can look back on this trial and see how it has blessed my life and improved me as a person. And I believe that, once I've learned what I need to from this trial, it will end.

I've been losing the monthly battles with infertility for six years now. But whereas at the beginning they were devastating battles that nearly destroyed me, I have been learning to hold my own against the agony and despair. With every battle that has passed, I've grown stronger. I've given less ground. I have not let the pain of defeat actually defeat me.

I may have lost another battle this month, but I know that very soon, and with God's help (and according to His timing), I will win this war.