To Talk, or Not to Talk?

I have a great marriage. I'm not trying to brag, just state the facts. I'm married to a man who I absolutely adore, and who I know reciprocates in every way. I know for a fact that he genuinely loves me just as much as I love him.

And that's crazy. I've never had that in any previous relationship. I always felt like the feelings were stronger on one person's side than on the other in every relationship before I met Ben. But with Ben, it's totally balanced. We're both crazy about each other, and we each put the other on a pedestal.

That's one of the keys to a good marriage - always putting the other person first. Granted, it only works if both people are doing it, but if they are, it will always make the marriage healthier. I always try to think of Ben before myself, and he always does the same for me. It's awesome.

But today, I want to talk about another key to having a strong marriage. It's another one that I think we do well, and I'm very grateful for it.

Today, I'm thankful for good communication.

There are so many times that Ben and I have been watching a show, reading a book, or even hearing about what's going on in a friend's life, and we've looked at each other and said, "They would be able to solve things so easily if they would just talk to each other!!!"

Granted, that's a typical Hollywood plot design, to have the characters keep things from each other. But it happens all too often in real life as well.

I don't know what it is about human nature, but it seems like most people prefer to keep things bottled up rather than discuss them. Maybe it's because they're embarrassed, or because they don't like conflict. Maybe they prefer to make their partner sweat, and keep silent as a way of punishing their spouse for not knowing what they're thinking.

I used to be the same way.

But Ben and I took a marriage prep class during our engagement, where we learned about the value and necessity of good communication. That's one of the lessons that stuck with us most strongly from our class. I'll forever be grateful that we took that class, because it really did give us the keys to make our marriage last.

Early in our marriage, there were many times when I wanted Ben to do something, but I wouldn't tell him what it was. I figured that he could figure out what I wanted if he gave it some thought. I would drop hints, then get irritated when he didn't pick up on them.

Eventually he sat down with me and said, "Cassie, I'm a guy. I don't get your hints. If you need me to do something, just tell me! I won't be offended. I want to help you out and do what you need me to do, but if you don't come right out and tell me, I will probably never figure it out."

I hadn't ever really thought about guys' minds being so completely different than girls'! I just assumed he would figure out what I wanted. I mean, it seemed pretty obvious to me. And I hadn't wanted to say anything, for fear that I would come across as nagging. But when he came out and told me what he needed from me, I realized that he would prefer the "nagging" to the baffling hints.

So now, whenever I need him to do something, I just ask. And he does it. He's amazing like that. :)

Communication has been huge whenever we've had disagreements as well. I often don't say anything right away. I give it time, so I can figure out what exactly I'm upset about. Sometimes this is frustrating for Ben, because he knows something is wrong, because I'm acting cranky, but I'm not communicating what the problem is. And I'm not trying to be belligerent - usually! - I'm just trying to find the words so I can explain myself. When I know what it is that I want to say (or when Ben does, because while I'm usually the emotional, grumpy one, Ben does have his moments occasionally too), I sit down and talk to him. Or he takes me aside and talks to me. Sometimes, if the crabbiness goes on for too long, Ben just sits me down and says, "Okay, you need to tell me what's wrong."

We're very careful not to yell, or insult each other, or exaggerate. When we talk, we really try to explain ourselves in a rational, mature way. We use "I" statements, like, "I feel..." rather than "you" statements, like "You always..." That way it's not accusatory. We're just trying to communicate our feelings and what the problem is. The other person listens quietly until the first is done, then responds in a similar, thoughtful way.

Sometimes it's kind of stressful to do things this way, because sometimes I want to throw things and scream (just a little bit!), but it's so much more effective than arguing. We really get to explain our feelings and frustrations, and still feel secure and loved in our marriage. We genuinely try to understand each other, and communicate openly.

Are we perfect at communicating? No. Ben is introverted and often keeps things to himself. He doesn't share his thoughts feelings as often as I do, because he tends to keep that kind of stuff on the inside. Sometimes it's a struggle to pull things out of him. I, on the other hand, tend to talk before I think, which often results in me saying stupid things. Sometimes I'm even hurtful.

Luckily, we've both also gotten really good at apologizing. I think apologizing is a part of communication that's often overlooked. People just assume that their spouse knows they're sorry when they've done something wrong, so they don't bother to say the words, "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong." But through our marriage, it's become second nature. I think there's something in the way that Ben is so thoughtful and patient that makes me recognize when I'm really the one at fault. It makes me want to be more patient and humble, like he is. It makes me want to apologize. And so I do. And I've learned that once you start apologizing, it gets easier and easier to do.

Apologizing is something that has been important to me as a parent, too. I don't want my kid to think that I don't value her or that she matters less because she's a child. If I'm short-tempered with her, or do something wrong, I'm not going to pretend to be a perfect parent that does no wrong. When I mess up, I've learned to tell her I'm sorry. And I think that example will help her to learn to apologize when she's wrong, too.

There's no room for pride in the home.

The other important part of communicating in a marriage is knowing how to express your love. Let me tell you a bit about love languages.

Every person expresses love in their own way. A lot of times, people who genuinely love each other will not be able to communicate that love as effectively as they'd like, because they're speaking different love languages. One person might show love by performing acts of service. One might give gifts. Another might compliment their spouse, or express themselves verbally. There are several different love languages.

And what they need in return, to feel loved, might be different than what their spouse needs. So you might have one person trying to show their spouse love through physical touch (for example), while the other is trying to express themselves through acts of service (another example), and neither one ends up feeling loved, even though they're both trying their hardest to show their love for one another!

It's really important to know what love language your spouse speaks, and for them to know yours. If you don't know, you can find the quiz online, at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/. You and your spouse should take it. It can only make your marriage stronger to know your love languages!

Ben and I speak different languages. His is almost completely "physical touch" - hand holding, hugging, kissing, any kind of touch. Mine is a combination of a few, with "quality time" being the strongest. I also like to give gifts, and with Ben in particular, I also have a strong affinity for physical touch.

And I've learned that your language can be different with different people! It's all good information. ;) But because Ben and I understand each other's love languages, we each know how to express our love in a way that our spouse can understand. Of all the things you need to communicate in a marriage, love is probably the most important.

Good communication is vital to a marriage. And I feel so blessed that we've gotten pretty good at it. We're not perfect, and it's certainly not always easy, but we do it. And we always feel better afterwards.

I definitely recommend communicating with your loved ones, whether it's your spouse, children, parents, siblings, friends, etc. It is possible to talk to each other about your feelings in a way that doesn't leave someone feeling bad. And it's such an important skill to learn!

I'm thankful for my sweet husband. I'm thankful we know each other almost as well as we know ourselves. I'm thankful that we talk, and listen, and try to understand each other. I'm thankful for our marriage, and that no matter what life throws our way, we always try to keep communicating. :)