Priorities

I think a lot of people today have a hard time with prioritizing correctly.

Too many people put work before family, or their own comfort before the needs of their loved ones, or their busy schedule before their daily prayer and scripture study.

Priorities can be hard to figure out sometimes. There are so many important things, all competing for our attention. It's difficult, sometimes to know what should come first.

I feel like I'm fairly blessed in this regard, because my life has unfolded in such a way that it has taught me where my priorities should be. I'm thankful to have that knowledge.

I grew up moving around a lot. We rarely stayed in one place for more than a couple of years at a time. Because of that, I had a hard time holding on to friends. Friends are important, and when you're a teenager, they can be your whole world. So this was hard on me at the time.

But looking back, I can see that our moving around so much came with a huge blessing: because I couldn't hold on to any long-term friendships, my siblings became my closest friends.

To this day, they're still some of the people I love most in the whole world. And I don't just love them, like siblings usually do, I genuinely enjoy spending time with them. Given the chance, I will hang out with them as much as I possibly can. And it's never enough. Every time I have to say goodbye and head back to Texas (or wherever we happen to be living), I cry.

I'm also very close to my parents, especially my mom. I truly believe that this is directly linked to the fact that I had no one else to rely on growing up. I just had my family. And now we're all absurdly close.

This has taught me that family should be a priority over friends.

Now, to be clear, I do have one particular friend who merits just as strong feelings. She has basically become a sister to me. Our relationship is another one that I feel should be a priority. Even after Ben and I move away, I'm going to make sure I find time to visit with her and talk to her as much as I can. Because she has become more than just a friend. She has become family.

There's a reason why people consider their very closest friends to be "family." And that's because family bonds are - or, should be - stronger than just friendship. A lot of people don't understand that. I'm very blessed to recognize that fact, and to have learned through my life that family should always be a priority.

This also ties in very closely with marriage. Your marriage to your spouse is always a priority over your friendships, or even your parents and siblings. I've seen so many people who have let people outside their marriage come between them and their spouse.

Look at it this way - adultery is always caused by someone not putting their spouse first. It can start off with something as simple as, "I want to have friends of my own, that have nothing to do with my marriage!" That is a dangerous thought. All it takes is for one "friendship" with someone of the opposite sex to become a priority over your marriage, and you're sliding down the slippery slope to adultery.

Your spouse should always, always come first. Ben and I don't even have friends of the opposite sex, unless they're friends that we share (or very casual Facebook friends that we rarely talk to and never actually see). And any girls Ben might be friends with, are even more my friends than they are his. And vice versa. I'm not going to be friends with a guy unless that guy is even closer friends with my husband.

Some people think that's crazy. They say that friendships are harmless! But I've seen people I know be painfully hurt by that philosophy. If your spouse isn't comfortable with your friend, then you need to let go of that friendship. Especially if it's with a member of the opposite sex. Your spouse should always be your priority.

The only person who should come before your spouse is God.

That's another thing I have learned to prioritize - my time I spend every day connecting with God. I read my scriptures, say my prayers, try to take a few minutes to meditate, and even write my feelings in a journal.

That relationship is my top priority, even over my family or my husband. God is the most important figure in my life. I've noticed - again, through experience - that life is better when I'm making my relationship with God a priority. Trials are easier to handle, blessings are more abundant. There is more peace in my heart and in my home. It's so much easier to tune out the noise of our chaotic world when you're making God a priority.

There are those out there who think it's weird that I make God a priority, even over my husband. There are many who don't do that. God isn't a priority for them, even if they love Him and consider themselves religious. But my relationship with God doesn't hinge on how my husband, family, or friends feel about Him. It's personal. And I love Him too much to put anyone before Him. If my husband were to look at me today and say, "I don't want to go to church anymore," I wouldn't stop going, too. My relationship with God is my own, and it comes first, no matter what my loved ones might say or do to convince me otherwise.

God loves us. He wants us to be happy, to have families, and friends, and good relationships. But as He says in the scriptures, "Thou shalt have no other gods before me." He's not referring to golden idols, or false deities like Zeus. I'm sure that's part of it, but it's only a tiny fraction.

Basically, what He's saying is that nothing should be a priority over Him. Anything we're putting before God - be it money, work, charitable service, family, our spouse - is a "god" that we are worshiping. We may be doing very good, worthwhile things. And that's great! But if we're putting those things first, before our relationship with God, we're doing something wrong.

That includes going to sports games instead of church. Or not taking the time to pray or study the scriptures during the day, because we're busy working, or doing service, or taking care of our families. It even includes buying formula or diapers for our baby instead of paying our tithing.

I've been in that last situation. It isn't easy! I remember a time when we had to choose between paying our tithing and buying formula for our infant daughter. But we made God the priority, and paid our tithing. We just trusted that everything would work out; that we would be blessed.

That very same day a man we didn't know gave us $100, because he had a strong impression from the Spirit that we needed it.

God takes care of those who put Him first! If you make Him a priority, you will be blessed for it.

The last priority I'm going to talk about isn't as major and obvious as the other two. But it's something that, through my marriage, I have learned is a priority for me. And it's one that, for a long time, I didn't realize.

One of my biggest priorities is to have my husband home.

That's something that most people take for granted. There are very few people who live a lifestyle like Ben's and mine. Most people have their spouse home for dinner every evening. Or at least, they get to see each other at some point, every day.

For a milspouse, that's often not the case.

In our almost 9 years of marriage, Ben and I have been together for only three entire summers. We've had pieces of summers a few other years, but only three that we were together every day.

Since Ben commissioned in the Air Force, he has spent almost as much time away from home as he has here with us.

It sucks. There are really no words to describe how awful it is, having him away so often.

When he decided to join the military, I supported him. My dad had been in the Air Force, but he was almost always home every day. It was like any other job, with just a few times when he had to be gone. Once was for a year when I was little, and I'm sure that was crazy hard on my mom. But for the most part, he was home.

Along with that, the experiences I'd had as a military brat were ones that I wanted my kids to have. Specifically, I wanted my children to be each other's best friends; to learn that lesson I talked about earlier, and make their family a priority.

So I supported Ben's decision to join the Air Force.

Then, he got a pilot slot.

I knew this meant he would be gone more often, but flying was a dream come true for him, so I supported him.

He had to do six weeks of basic training while I was pregnant with Evie. Then two years later, he had to leave for another six weeks for initial flight training.

Around this time, we discovered that we had secondary infertility. So my main motivation for joining the military - so that our kids would be really close - isn't even a thing that's going to happen. Instead, we've got one really lonely kid who has to move every few years and doesn't have anyone to be really close with. So that kind of backfired. Big time. But we were committed at this point.

We got about a year together while he did pilot training. Out of pilot training, Ben got assigned to C-130Hs. They were at the bottom of our wish list, mostly because C-130 guys have to be deployed more than just about any other pilot. So we didn't even want them. But we got them anyway.

It was out of our control. We just had to deal with it.

Ben deployed about seven months after we arrived at our first base. He was gone for four months.

About 7 or 8 months after he got home from that first deployment, they shipped Ben off for another six months to train on C-130Js.  He already knew the H model, but they were getting rid of those, so after only a year using his H training, he had to go back and do J training. And they scheduled the training so that it was just short enough to justify sending him alone, rather than letting his family go with him.

So we had another six months without him. Although we did, at least, get to visit with him occasionally.

Looking back, I don't think we've ever had a full year together since our first year of marriage.

We did, however, get him for most of this last year, with only occasional TDYs (for a few weeks at a time) sending him away.

Now he's deployed again. And I hate it.

There may be some milspouses out there who aren't fazed by the time they have to spend away from their spouse, but I would wager that the vast majority of us loathe the time apart.

People say we're strong, but the fact is that we're just coping. We deal with it, because we love our spouses. So what other choice do we have than to deal with it as best we can?

Originally I wanted to move overseas, to Germany, or England, or Japan. I wanted to use Ben's time in the military to see some of the world! I got to see a few parts of the world growing up, and I have always wanted to see more. That was another reason I had originally encouraged Ben to join the armed forces.

So far, we've seen lovely Oklahoma and Texas. Another backfire.

But what I'm getting at, in my long, drawn-out way, is that seeing the world isn't a priority for me anymore. Yes, there are still chances for us to go overseas. But I don't want that anymore. I would hate it.

If we're overseas, it means Ben will still have to be gone a lot. Maybe even more than he is now. And that's absolutely not worth it.

Having him home has become my priority.

So I'm hoping he'll get UAVs, like he wants, for his next post. We would probably be living out in the middle of nowhere, in an ugly part of the country, away from most forms of civilization.

But he would be home, a lot more than he is now. Maybe we'll even get a few years together without having to say goodbye.

That has become my new dream. He's my priority. All the beautiful countries in the world are empty of pleasure if he can't be with me to share them. I would rather live in a hut in the desert and have him with me, than live in a gorgeous foreign country and be alone most of the time.

It took a while, but that's a priority that I finally figured out. My experiences in life have taught me so much about where my priorities should lie. I'm thankful for those experiences, and that knowledge. Having my priorities in order means I have a better life. I'm  happier, and more peaceful. And I'm grateful for it.