Facelifts and Faithfulness

First of all, thanks to Kim for unintentionally helping me pimp my blog! I saw the ad on her blog for a place to get backgrounds and stuff, so I went there. I'm really enjoying the new look. And if I get bored, I can always change it! I imagine I'm letting it slip just how inexpert I am when it comes to computer stuff by sharing all of this. The rest of you are probably like "well, duh" but HEY! I DIDN'T KNOW! I had no idea how everyone made their blogs so cool. I'm feeling very proud of myself for figuring it out, so don't rain on my self-satisfied little parade. :)

Second of all, I think I'm getting old. While I was looking over my blog, I had to take a minute and figure out if my "about me" box was still correct, since it states that I'm 26 years old. After a few seconds of contemplation, I realized that yes, I am in fact 26. My next thought was "Heck, I just turned 26!" Then I realized that I'm officially closer to my 27th birthday than to my 26th. That made me feel old. Then I thought about all the time it had taken me to work this information out, and I felt REALLY old. No wrinkles yet, but I'm feeling the heavy weight of the years beginning to bow my back.... or brain.

Okay, maybe not, but I am pretty sure I've seen a gray hair or two. I'd probably have found several, except that I regularly dye my hair, so they have little chance to survive in their natural colorless glory. HA HA! DIE, GRAY HAIRS! DIE! (Or "dye." Get it???)

In other news, I finally did the Moroni challenge - you know, the one at the end of the Book of Mormon that says if you pray with a sincere heart about whether or not the book is true, the Lord will answer your prayers? Yeah, I'd never actually done that before. Growing up in the Church, I've never really had any doubts about the truthfulness of the gospel (and yes, I do realize that I'm lucky for that, and that a lot of people do struggle at some point in their lives). I've always known that the Church is God's true and living church on the earth. I've always known that the Book of Mormon is a factual account of a real people who lived long ago, and that it's another testament of Christ. I've always known that God and Christ are real, separate beings, both of whom love me and answer my prayers. I've always known that our living prophet here on earth communicates directly with God, and that I should listen to and obey his counsel. I've never doubted any of that - and I know there are many who would call me naive and foolish because of that, but I see it as a huge blessing. God says we should have a childlike faith, and that's what I try to have. It doesn't mean that I follow blindly, I still have agency to think and decide for myself (in fact, it's encouraged), I just choose to obey because I believe that God loves me and wants what's best for me. Even if it seems weird or unnecessary or even painful in the short term, I know God wants me to be happy. If I obey, ultimately I'll be the happiest I can possibly be.

Anyway, I've had multiple witnesses of God's power and love in my life, but for some reason I'd never really prayed and asked if the Book of Mormon was true. Since I already knew that it was, it seemed unnecessary. But as I was reading in Moroni the other night, I realized that just because I know doesn't mean I can't receive a confirmation of that knowledge from the Lord. The promise is that anyone who asks sincerely will be answered, not just those who don't already know. So in my prayers that night, I asked. I asked the Lord if the Book of Mormon was true, if it was a real account of real experiences that real people had. By extension, I was asking if Joseph Smith was an actual prophet, one that spoke with the Lord. Also by extension, I was asking if the Church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, was God's church. You see, if one is true, they all have to be true. If one is false, they all must be false. So even though I believed wholeheartedly that I already knew the answer, I asked. I put all my faith on the line, and prayed to know if the Book of Mormon was true.

The feeling I got was the most clear, beautiful response that I've ever received from the Lord. I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace and joy. It seemed like my whole body was filled with light.

Now, don't get me wrong. It wasn't like getting hit over the head with a plank of wood. It didn't smash into me and overpower all my senses. It was subtle, but very very clear. I couldn't mistake it for anything other than an answer from the Lord. All my worries, all my sorrows melted away and were replaced by that sweet feeling of peace. It was like the Lord put His hand on my head, the way I do with Evie, and soothed me with His touch. It was simple, it was subtle, but it was as clear an answer as if an actual voice had whispered in my ear.

The Book of Mormon is true. The Church, Joseph Smith's revelations, the prophets - all of it is true. All of it is real. All of it is of God.

I wish I could tell everyone about it. I wish I had the courage to share my testimony with complete strangers, the way that the missionaries do. I wish I had the strength to be more forward about it with my non-member friends and neighbors.

More than anything, I wish I could sit my sweet brothers down and tell them all of this. Two of my brothers in particular, are two of the people I love the most in the whole world. Their struggles with their faith breaks my heart. I would give anything to be able to bring them back to the Church.

But somehow I can't even do that. Two of my favorite guys, ever, and I can't find it in me to bear my testimony to them. I want to, don't get me wrong, but I'm too scared. I'm afraid that they won't want to talk to me anymore. I'm afraid that they'll feel too pressured by me, and that they'll avoid me. I'm afraid of losing the closeness I have with them. I wonder if I am doing more good by avoiding the subject and trying to be a good example, than I would be doing if I came right out and bore my testimony. But somehow that doesn't seem right.

It's hard. I want so much to be able to share with them, but I don't know how to do it.

I love the Lord. I love the gospel. I love, more than anything, knowing that my marriage won't end with death. My family will be my family forever. My husband and children will always be mine. Even if something bad happens and I lose them, or they lose me, we can rest assured that we'll see one another again. That is the single greatest blessing the Lord has given us. I wish so much that every person in the world could know about it, and be with their families forever as well.

I guess I need to stop being cowardly and selfish. I need to start putting myself out there, and sharing the gospel. I have a testimony, and I've been blessed with a strong but simple faith. It's not fair to keep it to myself. It's my duty to share the good news of the gospel with everyone around me.

Now I just need to figure out how to do that. :)