All Psyched Out

I'd really like to have another baby. In fact, I'd eventually like to have 6 or 7 kids. But I'm not too sure that'll happen, because it seems to be difficult for me to get pregnant.

I went and saw a doctor, and we figured the problem was that I wasn't ovulating. I took ovulation tests to confirm, but since I was moving to Oklahoma pretty much right away, I didn't get through all my ovulation days before I reported back to the doctor. I did get through all but one with no results, so we figured I wasn't ovulating. However, since then I've continued to use ovulation tests and I've realized that I probably ovulated the day after I saw the doctor (I've noticed a pattern, and that's probably what happened). So ovulation is most likely not the problem.

I haven't been to a doctor since I got to Oklahoma. My thinking was that, since I'd discovered that I wasn't ovulating on the schedule I'd previously thought, maybe I just kept missing my fertile days. I had assumed I was ovulating much earlier, and that's when we were trying, so we were not really trying on the days I actually WAS ovulating. So I thought I'd try to get pregnant on my own (with Ben's help of course), rather than go back to a doctor right away.

Now that my hope in having another baby has been restored, I've been psyching myself out. I tend to get early pregnancy symptoms, and then find out that I'm not actually pregnant. All I can figure is that I'm giving myself the symptoms or something.

So I'm feeling tired, sore, and a little nauseous. I have to pee all the time. And I feel like I'm sensitive to smells more than usual. I should be able to find out next week if I'm actually pregnant or not. But somehow I feel like I'm probably just tricking myself. It's been so long since we started trying again that it seems like it will never actually happen. Also, when I got pregnant with Evie, I didn't really feel that sick until a day or two after my missed period. I didn't even suspect I was pregnant - in fact, I was pretty sure that I wasn't. So pregnancy symptoms don't mean much for me, and the false symptoms are annoying.

On the other hand, I'm trying to have a positive attitude about things, which means I'm not so upset every month when I find out I'm not pregnant. How I figure it is, if I don't get pregnant, maybe I can be in Into The Woods at the local theater this summer. It would also make traveling to visit my family over the summer easier. Also, Ben is going to be really busy, and therefore NOT helpful with baby matters, this year. It'll probably be better to have a baby next year, when he has more free time.

All these reasons are the things I tell myself when I find out I'm not pregnant every month, to convince myself that it's okay. And it's really not a huge deal, I do have a little girl, after all, which is more than a lot of people have. And she's an angel, no trouble at all. I'm very blessed. So things really aren't so bad.

There's just a big part of me that's SO ready to have another child. Evie and Ben are ready, too - Evie loves the idea of being a big sister. Another baby would bring so much more joy to our already happy family. At the same time, though, we're already happier and more blessed than most people are. So I can't complain.

I just wish I could stop psyching myself out with false pregnancy symptoms! I'm really annoying myself.