Serials - Clarence and the Beast-That-Wasn't-Really

Ben suggested that I start writing stories on here in a serial format. I had been telling him about how much I used to love writing back when I was in school, and how I wished I could write stories now. But who has the time - especially with a toddler in the house? So his idea sounded like a good one. If I just write a chunk at a time, I can do it whenever I have free time (and am in the mood) and eventually it will all be out on paper (so to speak). I can even just start writing with a general idea in mind, without a whole storyline already in place, and see where it takes me. It might be kind of fun!

Since it's been a long time since I really did any creative writing, I thought I'd start with an old classic that I did for creative writing classes in both high school and college. I don't have a copy of it anymore, and I really liked the story, so it would be nice to have. Also, when I re-wrote it from memory in college, the story got funnier and better-written. So with any luck, that will happen again. On the other hand, last time I wrote it I was in college and my brain was getting regular exercise, which is not the case now. So we'll see. But it should be fun. :)

Clarence and The Beast-That-Wasn't-Really

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, there was a family. They were the kind of family you'd find in any fairy tale. The head of the household was a bumbling but lovable single parent, a poor woodcutter named Marvin. There were three daughters (the traditional number), and they were all fair of face and light of step. Their grace and beauty was the stuff of epic poems, and in fact many suitors had tried to immortalize those gorgeous girls on paper, but none had been successful. This was not so much because their beauty was indescribable as it was because none of the boys in town had higher than a third-grade reading level.

The youngest daughter had golden hair, the precise color of wheat in the sunrise. Its luster shone even in the darkness. Her eyes were wide, thick-lashed, and as blue as a clear sky. Her dainty figure made men bump into posts, trip over their own feet, and fall off their horses. She was kind-hearted, sweet-tempered, and just a little bit dumb. Her name was Honey.

The middle child was an ethereally beautiful redhead. Not a single freckle marred this carrot-top, however. Her skin was creamy and clear, the kind you generally see in face wash commercials. Her large eyes were a shocking green, and had been compared to everything from emeralds to jungle vegetation to freshly-pickled frogs. Her figure made the boys blush. She was as kind and good as her younger sister, but often had a fiery temper in the face of injustices. Her name was Cherry.

The oldest daughter was so fair she put her two younger sisters to shame. Her raven hair was thick and glossy, and hung well past her waist. Her dark eyes were huge, mysterious, and more than a little dangerous to look into. Men not only blushed when she walked past, they sometimes burst into tears.

On the other hand, some of their sobbing may have been due to the fact that this eldest child was a holy terror. She was cruel to those weaker than her, and spiteful to those she felt intimidated by. She often stole trinkets from people she passed on the street, just for fun. She went out of her way to kick dogs. Once she yelled at a shop-keeper for a full 12 hours (he eventually had a nervous breakdown and was forced to sell his store and retire to Barbados, where he lives to this day, trying to regain his health and sanity). When she walked through the town, men hid in the bushes and women pulled their terrified children out of sight.

This daughter's name was Clarence.

Marvin was very proud of his two younger daughters. They cared for the sick and elderly, they bandaged the dogs that Clarence kicked, and they were delightful company for their aging father.

Marvin developed a nervous twitch whenever he thought about Clarence, however. She was beautiful, true, but what man would want such a wretched woman for his wife? Unless he could find a husband for her (maybe a deaf man with a high pain threshold?), Marvin would be stuck with Clarence until the day he died... The idea made him think that death might be a nice vacation, actually.

Clearly, something had to be done. But what? Filicide (the act of killing one's own child) was generally frowned on. Besides, Clarence could take him in a fight. He'd already tried to disinherit her, but she'd just laughed and poked him in the eye. Marvin had even bribed a headhunter to kidnap Clarence, but when Marvin discovered the headhunter the next morning with his head stuffed down the hole in the privvy out back, he'd had to give up on that idea as well.

It seemed that Marvin would be stuck with his eldest daughter forever.

**********

"...and he turned into a handsome prince! She apparently broke some sort of spell, and now they're married and ruling a kingdom together!" said Maurice, Marvin's good friend from the next town over. "I thought that I'd lost my daughter forever when I stole that rose, but now she's married and happy and living as a queen in a castle! Can you believe it?"

Marvin nodded his head, unsurprised. The countryside was teeming with magic. Common-looking animals shifted their shapes all the time. Fairies would steal food from the kitchen on a regular basis. You had to double check the privvy for goblins before you used it (they had a strange sense of humor, and rather enjoyed pinching). It really wasn't surprising what had happened with Maurice's daughter. You couldn't swing a cat without hitting an enchanted castle...

An idea came to Marvin. It was a beautiful, awful idea. But if it worked, it would solve all of Marvin's problems.

"You say you stumbled across this enchanted castle while you were lost in the woods?" Marvin questioned. "You were out walking, and got lost, and this castle just appeared out of nowhere?"

"Yes, that's right" Maurice replied.

"And you stole a rose, and were forced to give your daughter to this, this, Beast thing, right?"

"Yeah..."

"No questions asked? The Beast just took her without even meeting her?" Marvin pressed.

Maurice was bewildered. "It's not like it was a business transaction, he was punishing me for taking his rose!"

Marvin nodded. "Right, right, but even so, he took her right away, without any questions asked?"

"I suppose so..."

"And now they're married and ruling their own kindgom far away?" asked Marvin.

"Yes" answered Maurice. "That's how it works, see. Although they're really not too far away, I visit all the time. You just have to get lost in the woods, and-"

"Far enough, far enough!" boomed Marvin happily. "I only have one more question for you.

"Do you know of any other enchanted castles in need of a princess?"

End of Part One