Alice in Literatureland

That's a working title. Any title ideas people come up with are welcome, I couldn't think of anything clever.

Ben's Mom asked if I could maybe help her with road show ideas, involving literature. I haven't done a lot of road shows, so I have no idea if this is even on the right track, but my imagination got carried away and I had a lot of fun writing this. So even if it's never performed, I'd like to share what I came up with. Enjoy! :)

Scene 1
(Scene opens on Alice and her Sister, who is reading to her. Alice rests back against a tree while she listens)

Sister: Alice, dear, please pay attention. This book is a literary masterpiece. You can learn a lot from books like these.

Alice: What could I possibly learn from these sorts of books? (holding one up) “Treasure Island”? “The Jungle Book”? I’m never going to live in a jungle, or on a desert island. What could these books possibly teach me? And books like “Oliver Twist” and “Robin Hood” are about common criminals. Surely you don’t think there’s anything I could learn from them!

Sister: What about “Romeo and Juliet”? Or “The Wizard of Oz”? Most young girls find those kinds of stories enchanting.

Alice: It’s all stuff and nonsense. And reading is dull! Honestly, I think my time would be better spent elsewhere.

Sister: Well, I think they’re well worth the effort, so I’m going to read them to you anyway. You might as well sit back and listen. Maybe you’ll learn something.

(Alice sighs heavily and leans back, closing her eyes. As she’s resting there, The Artful Dodger sneaks up and picks her pocket, taking a pocket watch. Alice opens her eyes just in time to see him standing over her with the watch. She jumps to her feet as he starts running away.)

Alice: I say! You there! Come back! That pocket watch is mine! (she chases after him, following him offstage)

Scene 2

(The scene opens, and we’re in a jungle, complete with trees and bushes. There’s a yellow road crossing the stage (unless the audience can’t see the floor of the stage, in which case it doesn’t matter). Dodger runs across the stage, disappearing off the other side. Alice comes in a moment later, and looks around, not knowing where he went.)

Alice: Oh bother. Where’s he got to now?

(Enter Mowgli. He’s running from something. Both of them looking different directions, he and Alice crash into each other, falling down)

Alice: Ouch! You ought to be more careful!

Mowgli: I was being careful! Shere Khan is after me! The safest, most “careful” thing to do is just what I was doing – running!

Alice: Sheer who? What are you talking about?

Mowgli: You don’t know who Shere Khan is? He’s the king of this jungle. How can you even be here without knowing who he is?

Alice: He’s the king? Why is he chasing you? Did you break some sort of law?

Mowgli: What?? No! He’s chasing me because he’s a huge, man-eating tiger! (frustrated) I don’t have time for this! I have to run! If you have any brains at all, you’ll run, too!

(Exit Mowgli. Alice looks around nervously. She hears a rustling in the “trees”, and screams as Long John Silver and two of his pirates step out)

Alice: (relieved) Oh! I thought you were a huge, man-eating tiger! I was frightened!

LJS: As well you should be, miss. Now tell me what I be needin’ to hear, and we won’t be havin’ any trouble, aye?

Alice: (stammering) I… I…

LJS: There’s a good lass. Now, (yelling) what’ve ye done with my treasure?

Pirate 1: Your treasure, Long John? That be our treasure, and let’s not be forgettin’ it!

Pirate 2: Aye, Cap’n. We wouldn’t want to see you comin’ to some sorta misfortune, now would we?

LJS: (rolling his eyes) Aye, aye, our treasure. That’s what I meant, lads, of course! Ye can trust ol’ Long John, I love you lads.

Pirate 2: Ah, aye, Cap’n. We love ye too.

LJS: Right, then. (waves them over) Group hug! Aye, hug it out. There we go. (They hug) Now! (He turns back to Alice) Where be my treasure?!?

(Enter Dodger and Oliver, who begin sneaking up on Pirate 1 and Long John Silver)

Alice: I don’t have it! I haven’t seen any treasure, I swear! I wouldn’t even know where to look!

Pirate 1: What rubbish! Everyone knows that treasure lies beneath the “X”!

Alice: (bewildered) What??

LJS: “X” marks the spot! What, were ye raised in a barn? I’ve ne’er before met a person, even a landlubber like yerself, who didn’t know that!

(Dodger and Oliver simultaneously pick the pirates’ pockets. The pirates turn, spotting the boys. They chase them offstage)

Pirates and LJS: (ad libbed) Come back here! That’s me treasure! Etc.

(Alice sits on a rock and starts to cry. Robin Hood swings in on a rope (if possible), or just enters. He poses gallantly, preening for the audience. Eventually, he notices Alice)

Robin: Why, my dear, you are crying! Whatever for?

(Startled, Alice looks up)

Alice: I’ve been having a bad day, if you must know. A boy stole my pocket watch, and when I chased after him, I found myself lost in this jungle. I didn’t even know there was a jungle in England! And since I arrived here I’ve been yelled at, threatened, and apparently I narrowly escaped being eaten by a huge tiger. To top it all off, the boy who took my watch was just here, but I was so worked up over the pirates I didn’t even have the presence of mind to ask for my watch back! (she starts crying again)

Robin: Now, now, my dear. There’s no need for tears. I, Robin Hood, am here to help!

Alice: How can you help? Aren’t you a thief yourself?

Robin: (insulted) No, my dear. I’m merely a gentleman who feels it’s his responsibility to ensure that the poor receive their just due. Besides, (he whistles loudly) I believe I know the young man who relieved you of your pocket watch.

(Dodger and Oliver enter)

Dodger: You whistled, gov’nor?

Robin: That I did, lads. I’ve just heard a terrible tale from this young lady here. She says that some young scoundrel lifted a pocket watch off of her, not too long ago. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?

Dodger: (trying to look innocent) Me, gov’nor? No, sir, I don’t know nothing at all about that.

Alice: (jumping to her feet, angry) Yes, you do! You took my watch!

Dodger: Me, miss? I think you ‘ave me confused with someone else.

Oliver: Dodge, maybe we ought to just give it back…

(Dodger shushes him)

Oliver: But, Dodge –

Dodger: All right, then! All right! I’ll give it back. But, Robin, we’re ‘ungry! We were going to pawn it off for food. If we’re to give it back, I certainly ‘ope you’ll make it worth our while.

Robin: (smiling gallantly) Naturally, boys! Just hand the watch over, quickly now! (Dodger gives Robin the watch) Here you are, then! (Robin takes a bit of food out of his pocket and hands some to each of the boys, who devour it quickly)

Oliver: Please, sir, I want some more!

Robin: Off with you! Back to work!

(The boys exit)

Robin: (smiling fondly) Those two. Complete scamps, but just adorable.

Alice: Yes, they were darling. May I have my watch?

(Robin hands the watch to Alice)

Alice: Thank you! Now I can go home. (she looks around) That is, if I can figure out where “home” is…?

Juliet: (from offstage) Roooooooomeooooooooooo!!!

Robin: Oh no!

Juliet: (still offstage) Rooooooooomeoooooooooo!!!

Robin: (panicked, looking around frantically) Hide me! Hide me!

(Robin dives behind Alice)

Juliet: (as she’s entering) Roooomeooo – oh! Hello! Hast thou seen my Romeo anywhere about?

Alice: I don’t think so. What does he look like?

Juliet: Oh he’s tall, strong, handsome, and verily, he doth spend most of his time wearing green tights. Forsooth, ‘tis strange, I know, but the heart wants what it wants. And my heart yearns for Romeo!

Alice: (confused) I did see someone by that description, but – (Robin pokes Alice) OUCH!

Juliet: Thou hast seen him? Oh, bliss! Rapture! Whither has he gone? (she notices the feather from Robin’s hat over Alice’s shoulder) My love! I’ve found you!

(Juliet rushes toward Robin, who backs away)

Robin: For the last time, woman, I am not this Romeo you seek! I am Robin of Loxley, also known as Robin Hood! I admit, I have been called many things, but “Romeo” is not one of them!

Juliet: (she laughs and wraps her arms around him) Oh, thou dost jest! I know thee better than I know mine own self. Thou art Romeo, my one true love!

Robin: (struggling to escape) Nay, fair lady, nay! I am not this Romeo you seek! You have me confused with someone else! (Juliet ignores him, continuing to hug him tightly. Robin points over Juliet’s shoulder in desperation) Look over there! Isn’t that my old girlfriend Rosaline???

(Juliet releases Robin and turns quickly, jealously looking around for “Rosaline”. Robin uses the opportunity to escape offstage)

Juliet: (turning back around) Forsooth, I see her not, Rom- Wait! My love! He hath vanished! (Juliet turns on Alice, angrily) Whither has he gone! Speak!

Alice: I’m not sure. I think he might have gone that way. (she points the opposite direction from where Robin went)

Juliet: I shall find him again, and we shall be together forever! Not even the icy hands of Death himself can part me from my Romeo! (running offstage) Roooooooomeooooooooo!!!

Alice: (shaking her head) Curiouser and curiouser. (she looks around, realizing she’s all along) How am I ever going to get home?

(Munchkin 1 pops out from behind a bush, behind Alice, where she can’t see him/her)

Munchkin 1: Follow the yellow brick road!

(As Alice turns around, Munchkin 1 hides again. Alice sits back down, facing a different direction. Munchkin 2 pops up behind her)

Munchkin 2: Follow the yellow brick road!

(Alice spins around again, but Munchkin 2 is hidden again. As Alice stops turning and settles onto the rock again, Munchkin 3 pops up, again where Alice can’t see him/her)

Munchkin 3: Follow the yellow brick road!

(Alice doesn’t even stand up this time, she just looks around)

Alice: You know, I’ve heard of a face without a voice, but never a voice without a face…

(The Munchkins giggle, and stand up)

Alice: (surprised) Goodness! Where did you come from?

Munchkin 1: We live here!

Munchkin 2: Where did you come from?

Alice: I’m from London.

Munchkin 3: I’ve never heard of London. Is it nearby?

Alice: I thought it was, but maybe I’ve traveled further than I thought. At any rate, I’m lost and I don’t know how to get home. Can you help me?

(The Munchkins giggle)

Munchkin 2: We already told you – follow the yellow brick road!

Munchkin 3: That’s the only way to get home from here.

Alice: The road will lead me home?

(The Munchkins giggle again)

Munchkin 1: No, silly. The road will take you to the wizard. He’s the one who can tell you how to get home!

Alice: Oh! All right, then. I shall follow the yellow brick road. Anything is better than sitting around here, crying, I suppose.

Munchkins: Good luck! (they giggle and exit together)

Alice: (to herself, looking down at the ground) Follow the yellow brick road… follow the yellow brick road… (she exits)

Scene 3

(Alice enters from offstage, watching the ground carefully. Sherlock Holmes and Watson enter from the opposite side. Sherlock has a magnifying glass, and is also following the road.)

Alice: Follow the yellow brick road… follow the yellow brick road…

(Alice and Sherlock meet in the middle, both of them slowly looking up from each other’s feet until they’re face to face)

Alice: Goodness! I do beg your pardon!

Watson: I don’t think she saw you, Holmes, old man.

Sherlock: Yes, yes, elementary my dear Watson. Elementary. (to Alice) What are you doing out here in the jungle, child? There are dangerous beasts out here. This is no place for a young girl such as yourself.

Alice: Oh, yes sir, I know! But I have to find my way home. I’m told the only way to do that is to follow this yellow brick road to the wizard, and ask him for help.

Watson: (laughing) But, my dear, you’ve found him! Holmes here is the wizard!

Alice: Really???

Sherlock: Yes, child, it’s true. I am a bit of a wizard, if I do say so myself. Sherlock Holmes, at your service! (he bows slightly)

Alice: Then you can help me! How do I get home?

Sherlock: To find the answer to that question, we’ll have to start at the beginning. How did you get here in the first place?

Alice: Well, I was sitting under a tree, listening as my sister read to me. I closed my eyes for a moment, and then next thing I knew, a young man was stealing my pocket watch! I chased him into the jungle –

Sherlock: One moment, one moment. You say you closed your eyes?

Alice: Yes, sir, but I woke up when I felt the boy take my watch.

Sherlock: And you chased him into the jungle?

Alice: (slowly) Yes… it was the strangest thing… I never knew there was a jungle in London!

(Sherlock and Watson laugh)

Watson: My dear, there are no jungles in London. Indeed, there are no jungles in England at all!

Sherlock: I think the solution to this mystery is clear. You, my dear, are asleep.

Alice: No, that can’t be right, I’m awake! I’m talking to you right now!

Watson: You’re just dreaming that you’re talking to us, child.

Sherlock: It’s elementary, my dear.

Alice: (thinking it over) So, to get home, all I have to do is…

Sherlock and Watson: (together) WAKE UP!!!

(blackout)

Scene 4

Sister: Wake up, Alice! Wake up!

(The lights come up, and the scene is back to its original state. Alice is laying back against her tree. Sister is leaning over her, shaking her gently)

Sister: Alice, dear! Wake up!

Alice: (opening her eyes) Hmm? Oh! I’m home! I’m back!

Sister: My dear, you never left. You just fell asleep.

Alice: That’s right! That’s what Sherlock Holmes told me!

Sister: Sherlock Holmes?

Alice: And Watson! They told me I had been dreaming all along. And they were right!

Sister: I suppose they were. So… you were dreaming about Sherlock Holmes?

Alice: Not just him, I dreamed about all sorts of people! There was this boy, running through the jungle, trying to escape from a huge tiger named Shere Khan! And there were two pickpocket boys, who stole my pocket watch! They also picked the pockets of three nasty pirates who thought that I’d stolen their treasure. But then Robin Hood came and made the boys give me my watch back. He seemed nice enough, but he had to leave because this girl thought he was her true love, Romeo. Then these little people told me to follow the yellow brick road to the wizard, and he’d help me get home. That’s where I met Sherlock Holmes and Watson. And they did help me get home! And I’m so glad! (she throws her arms around Sister, giving her a big hug)

Sister: (laughing) And here you said you didn’t like literature!

Alice: What do you mean?

Sister: My dear, all those people you dreamed about are characters from the books I’ve been reading to you.

Alice: Really???

Sister: Really. Now, what do you say we head home for some tea?

Alice: (grabbing a book) Maybe in a little while. I’ve got some reading I’d like to do, first.

(Alice opens the book, settles back and begins reading. Sister smiles, sits next to her, and opens a book of her own. Blackout)

The End