Things I Learned on My Vacation

I've been on vacation for the past six weeks, visiting my family in Idaho and Utah. About a week into the trip, I saw things and learned things that amused me, so I began keeping a record. Now that my vacation is over, I can share my wisdom with all of you lovely people!

1 - Menopause is no big deal. (Granted, I have less estrogen than most women, so that's probably why it's been a breeze for me.)

2 - Nobody wants to see your butt crack, no matter how cute a bum you may think you have.

3 - Trampolines are way more fun when they're wet.

4 - Revving your engine repeatedly at a red light does not make you look cool. You just look like an idiot. Especially when you're the only one doing it.

5 - Bugs on a windshield make a lovely abstract photo.

6 - If your brother is grouchy, and no attempt to cheer him up is working, try presenting him with a wiener dog to play with.

7 - My little wiener dog, Bones, is a bit of a masochist. He's happiest when getting his butt kicked by my parents' big chocolate lab, Bella.

8 - No matter how old he gets, I can still get my younger brother to cross-dress.

9 - The house must always be tidied up before the maid gets there to clean it.

10 - Flash floods can create wonderful swimming holes in the street in front of one's house. 

11 - Some people just look better when they're pixellated.

12 - New babies can never have too many "My Aunt is the best!" onesies.

13 - No matter how nice a guy may smell in person, his bedroom is probably stinky.

14 - Wiener dogs are escape artists, and prefer to make their escape while people are actually playing with them in the (fenced-in) back yard. I believe this is referred to in the doggie world as "showing off."

15 - If you take a party-sized bag of M'n'Ms downstairs, forget about them, and your brother eats them all, you're the one who gets the blame.

16 - Apparently my brother, Joseph, will let just about anybody pick his nose - including Chuck Norris.

17 - The Mad Hatter looks best when portrayed by a fabulous four-year-old girl.

18 - It's hard to hit a tennis ball with a tee-ball bat when your pants are falling down.

19 - If you want your kid to eat veggies, let her pick them from the garden herself and eat them with her bare hands.

20 - Preparing to send your child to school for the first time will be far scarier for you than for your child.

21 - Dancing, swimming, and jumping on a trampoline are the world's best forms of exercise. Hands down.

22 - People are incredibly stupid about their pets.

23 - Who needs makeup when you have pink markers?

24 - I'm terrible at remembering how to cut my brother's hair. When I do remember, I do fine. But when I don't remember, horrifying things happen. Note to self: Razor for Ben, SCISSORS for Daniel!!!!

25 - Evie's hips don't lie.

26 - Actual working road construction workers are more elusive and impossibly rare than leprechauns.

27 - More than 8 hours of sleep a night will make me fat. Less than 9 will make me cranky.

28 -  Any prolonged conversation with a pregnant woman will inevitably turn to the wonders (aka "horrors") of childbirth and a competition to see who has given birth to the biggest baby. (Evie was 9 lbs 3 oz. Just sayin'.)

29 - My 11-year-old brother, Joseph, will make a wonderful mother someday.

30 - Just because you can squeeze into a size 2 bikini doesn't mean you should, folks. Muffin tops and fat rolls = not cute.

31 - If you want to see tacky, badly-dressed people who apparently don't own a mirror, there are better places to go than Wal-Mart. Try the Idaho Falls Fourth of July celebration. Wow. Just... wow.

32 -  Heckling children's camp skits is fun! Also, said heckling is generally frowned upon by said children's parental units.

33 - There's a real life person named "Fritz Schmutz"!!! Awesome, right??? I'm so jealous.

34 - Inside jokes are always funny, even long after the meaning behind them has been forgotten. Mraaah. Gimmie a fish.

 And finally, the strangest of all:

35  - People back home in Abilene actually miss me when I'm gone! Crazy, huh?

There! Now that I've passed my vacation wisdom on to you, go forth and discover knowledge of your own! ;)