The Calm After the Storm

I realized today why it is that I don't write in my blog much anymore.

Writing is a catharsis. It helps me vent my frustration in a non-violent way. Over the past four (almost) years, as we've struggled with infertility, I've turned to this blog to try and express my feelings.

This year, though, I've finally reached the point where I'm okay. And now that I'm okay, I don't feel the need to vent anymore. Ergo, no blogs.

But that isn't really fair. For anyone who actually reads this blog, all they've seen are the negative, venting, frustrated feelings that I've expressed. They haven't seen the resolution. I've kept it to myself.

So, even though I've already written one blog entry today, I'm going to write another one and explain the change that has overcome me in the past 6 months or so.

On Christmas Eve of last year, we did a candle-passing with Ben's family. It's a family tradition. What happens is, we turn off the lights, sit in a circle, and pass a candle around. When it's your turn to take the candle, you share with everyone a gift that you want to give to the Savior. It's kind of like making a New Year's resolution, only more meaningful.

When it was my turn to take the candle, I had a hard time speaking. The infertility issue had been weighing heavily on me for more than three years. I was tired of feeling bitter, angry, and heartbroken. It had been a very emotional three years. So I said, "For my gift to the Savior this year, I'm going to make a greater effort to embrace His will for me."

That had been the problem all along, of course. I was frustrated because the Lord wasn't blessing me with a child right then, like I wanted Him to. He was making me wait, and in my opinion, it was taking too long. I would panic about the age gap between Evie and the next kid. Every time I thought about how much older Evie would be, I would find myself muttering, "It's too much! It's too much!" I would decide when the best time to get pregnant was, and then spend that month begging the Lord to finally give me a baby. And when He didn't, I always felt hurt and a little bit betrayed.

I wasn't accepting His will. I was trying to make Him accept mine.

So I made my promise to the Savior; that I would to try and change all that.

For the first month, it was still very hard. I had an opportunity to go see Ben on his TDY in Utah during January, right when I was ovulating. I had just had a test done for my infertility, and the doctor said that the test would make my chances of conceiving that month increase. When a friend gave Evie and me free plane tickets to Utah so that Ben and I could try and conceive that month, it felt like a sign that the time was right. It seemed like everything was falling exactly into place, and that it was finally going to happen.

When it didn't, my heart ripped apart all over again.

But I reminded myself of the promise I had made to the Savior. So I took a deep breath, calmed down, and said a prayer. I asked God to bless me with patience, and the ability to not only accept His will for me, but to embrace it.

That became a familiar refrain in each of my prayers after that. I began adding, "if it by Thy will" and "Thy will be done" to everything I said in my prayers. And, miraculously, I truly began to want it.

In just a few short months, the pain in my heart had been healed. Looking back, I'm still astounded by how quickly it happened. I had a complete change of heart. As a result, I'm happier. I have more joy in my life. I feel a greater love for my family, and for the Lord. And, most importantly, I'm at peace when it comes to the infertility issue.

I still firmly believe that we will have more children. I know they're coming. I can already feel them residing in my heart. But I no longer obsess over it. I no longer glare at pregnant women on the street. I no longer compare the number of children others have to the one I've been blessed with. I no longer fight the Lord, or try to make Him do things my way.

My testimony has been increased an hundredfold. I can feel the Lord's arms around me, giving me strength and patience. I can feel His incredible love for me. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that He wants me to be happy. He wants to bless me with every good thing He has to offer. If He isn't blessing me with children right this second, it's because it's not time yet. Everything He does is for a wise purpose. He can see what my life holds, and He knows what will give me the greatest joy. If I continue to trust in Him, and put my life in His hands,

I will have more joy than I can possibly comprehend.

This trial has surely been for my good, and though infertility has been hard, I thank God that I had to go through this. It has made me a better person. I am, one tiny step at a time, becoming the woman God wants me to be.

My heart has been changed. My faith has been increased. My pain has been healed.

All is well.