Left Behind

When I got married, it was hard to keep up my relationships with my single friends. It felt awkward. A lot of the things I enjoyed doing as a single girl were no longer as interesting - like hanging out with the cute boys across the hall. As a result, I grew apart from those friends. Once they got married, it was easier to resume those friendships. It's like we were on the same level.

The same thing had happened when I went to college. My friends who were younger than me, and still in high school, got left behind as I moved on to new things and new experiences.

It happened again, to a smaller extent, when I had my first baby. It's easier for moms to relate to other moms.

I think that's why I'm so emotional right now.

I have several good friends who are due with their second children in a matter of days. The whole time they've been pregnant, I've been trying to get pregnant. For some of them, I've been trying to get pregnant with my second child since before they were pregnant with their first children, and now they're having baby number two.

I'm so excited for them. They're good friends, and their babies are going to be gorgeous. But part of me is sad and scared at the same time.

I don't want to be left behind.

I have a kid. I'm a mom. But being a mom with one child is very different from being a mom with multiple children. I've never had to deal with sibling rivalries, or jealousy, or staying up with the baby all night and still taking care of the other kids by day. There's so much that I just can't relate to. I love my friends, but I'm worried that they just won't be able to relate to me anymore.

Our friendships are already weaker than they used to be, just because I don't live near any of them and I probably won't again for a long time, if ever. Long-distance friendships are tough anyway. So I don't think it would take much more to dissolve the friendships completely. I don't want that, though. I love these ladies, and I value their friendship. And that's why this month is so heartbreaking for me.

Subconciously, I think I figured that if I could just get pregnant with my next child before they gave birth to theirs, we would remain on the same page. We would still be part of the same "type." I wouldn't be alienated from them any further.

This month was so promising, too. Everything, as far as I could tell, was perfect. I had a great feeling throughout the month that it was finally time. My BBT was picturesque. I was so sure that I was pregnant, I was starting to imagine how we would tell our friends and family. I was picturing finally meeting my new baby. I was trying really hard not to get my hopes up, but I found myself daydreaming anyway.

Then, of course, it turned out that I wasn't pregnant.

It's too late, now, for me to get pregnant before my friends have their babies. It's a silly thing, I know, but subconsciously it was very important to me. And I'm just now realizing why.

All my friends have outgrown me. Most of them are younger than me, for crying out loud! Many of them didn't even get married until after Evie was born, and now they're on kid #2! I had a huge head start, and now I've fallen completely behind.

The most ironic part is, I'm the only one of my friends (that I know of) that wanted kids immediately after I got married. Ben wanted to start a family right away, too. We didn't use any kind of birth control. We both wanted a big family, and we couldn't wait to start.

Even so, it took 9 months of trying to conceive before we got pregnant with Evie. Now, after 5 years of marriage, she's still the only one we have. And we've been trying for #2 since before Evie's first birthday.

Let's be honest - it's not fair. Good thing we knew that life wasn't fair to begin with, or we'd be feeling really disillusioned by now! Still, wouldn't it be nice if the world actually worked the way we all wish it did?

Part of the struggle I'm having, I think, is not just because my friends are all moving on with their lives, reaching points that I can't seem to get to. Part of it is that they are mostly all younger than me, some by several years. They're young, and many still have a good 15 years of childbearing potential ahead of them. They also have the fertility to back it up if they choose to.

I'm turning 28 next week. I hate it. I hate being so much older than my friends. I'm even a year older than my husband. And all I can think about is, that I only have about 10 years left where I'll even be able to get pregnant. And with the amount of time and difficulty this is taking, it's a very real possibility that we'll never get that big family we dreamed of from day one. My time already feels like it's starting to run out.

There are just so many things pressing down on me right now, to make this month's disappointment greater than usual. I'm happy to say, however, that I don't have any bitter or harsh feelings towards any of my friends. A year ago, that would not have been true. I would have been angry and resentful at their good fortune and my lack thereof. That's the one blessing I've gotten from this difficult trial. I've learned to let go of my anger and envy, and just love my friends. I'm genuinely happy for them. Considering all the pain and frustration I felt in the past, that's a minor miracle in itself.

My sadness comes, as I said, from feeling like I'm being left behind; that I'm getting old; that I'm a failure compared to my friends. I even feel like I'm a disappointment to my sweet husband, who wanted a big family as much as I did. He doesn't feel that way, he's still crazy enough to think he's lucky to have me. But I feel like I'm less than he deserves.

Anyway, that's why this month is a tough one. I still have hope that we'll have more kids. I believe in my heart that we will. It's just a matter of time, and I'm learning patience.

I just hope, in the meantime, my friends don't forget me completely.