I Think I Understand Now

Yes, folks, this is going to be about the pregnancy issue. Again. But I'm mostly writing this stuff down for my own benefit, so I can go back and re-read it in the future, and remember what I've felt, understood, and learned. You don't have to read it if you don't want to.

I started off the morning by reading my patriarchial blessing, as well as the blessing Ben gave me last month when he graduated from UPT. Graduation was the beginning of a new chapter of our lives, after all. And it's a chapter wherein he'll be deployed a lot, so a blessing seemed like a good idea.

Anyway, I read both of those, seeking comfort and guidance. After I finished with them, I turned to my favorite passage of scripture, the one that always seems to be speaking to me. It's Doctrine and Covenants section 6, where the Lord is talking to Oliver Cowdry. I relate to those passages in so many ways, it's been kind of my go-to section of scriptures since I was in high school, for times when I'm struggling.

After I finished reading, I sat down and pondered things for a while. This two and a half years of infertility has been hard. I've spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, and wondering why everyone else around me seemed to be having babies while I couldn't get pregnant. It wasn't a fun time. Gradually, I was learning acceptance and patience, but it was difficult even so.

I realized today, though, that God doesn't just have a specific plan and mission for me. He has a plan for each one of His children. We're not just put on this Earth to have a good time and see how we cope with challenges. Each one of us has a purpose.

Taking that into consideration, I began to realize why I wasn't able to get pregnant. A child's birthdate determines a lot of their experiences in life. If they're born at one time, they'll meet certain people, make certain friends, and have certain experiences. If they're born at a different time, all of those other things will be different as well.

God gives all of us the start we need in order to complete our missions here on Earth. He's not going to send a child down at the wrong time, just because the mother is feeling impatient.

It seems totally selfish of me, now that I think about it. I was focused on me, on how the infertility thing was making me feel, on how I was being affected. I didn't really stop to consider that my children all have specific purposes in life, and that when they're born will be a big part of accomplishing those purposes.

Now that I see it that way, I understand why I haven't been able to get pregnant. It's not time yet. My babies will come when they're supposed to come, and not a minute earlier - no matter how much I may kick and scream and curse. (Not that I've ever literally kicked and screamed and cursed, but you get what I mean.)

It makes the whole situation a lot easier to handle when I look at it that way. God isn't giving kids to my friends because He likes them better. I'm not being punished for anything. God isn't witholding babies from me for any reason. He loves me, and I will be blessed with more children if and when it's right. I don't need to feel sorry for myself, or wonder what's wrong with me. I just need to be patient, and put my life (and the lives of my children) in God's hands.

I'm so grateful for my testimony of God, of Jesus Christ, and of the gospel. The gospel truly does make life so much sweeter, and so much happier. And I'm so grateful for the understanding that God has blessed me with. I just wish I hadn't been so stubborn about the whole situation - maybe I would have seen the answer sooner, and been able to spare myself some grief!

Live and learn, right? :)