The Tough Questions

Okay, full disclosure: This is not going to be a light, fluffy, happy blog post. It's going to be serious, and potentially divisive to those who disagree with me. But it's something about which I feel a strong need to speak out. I won't be offended if you choose not to read it. But if you do, I hope you'll respect my beliefs and opinions and keep any comments respectful. This ain't YouTube.

It's come out in the news lately that the leader of the Ordain Women movement, Kate Kelly, has been summoned for a church hearing to discuss whether or not she should be excommunicated. For those who aren't members of the LDS church or who aren't familiar with what this movement is, the Ordain Women movement is a group of people who belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and who feel that women should be allowed to hold the priesthood.

Our church has always taught that men and women have different roles and responsibilities. Women are primarily in charge of their families. This includes meeting the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of their children. We are expected to do our best to raise our children to be righteous, responsible, healthy adults. Anyone who thinks this is an easy job is kidding themselves. This is a lifelong process, with no vacation days. And it's not just about the children. Women are also expected to stand side-by-side with their husbands when it comes to making decisions and leading their family. We're equal partners. And women who don't get the opportunity to be married or have children in this life are still given opportunities to fulfill these responsibilities via their callings in the church. Women, married and single, are given roles as leaders or teachers, usually over the other women, the young (teenage) women, or the primary children. There they can put their natural abilities to work, nurturing and uplifting others. They can give talks in church, offer prayers, teach, plan activities, and work with the other leaders of the church - men and women - to help the members of their congregation.

Men provide for their families physical need through work (ideally, although sometimes women share that responsibility), and provide for their spiritual needs through the priesthood power they've been given. That includes acting as patriarch by taking the lead in spiritual family gatherings, prayer, and scripture study. It also means that they can lay their hands on their family members' heads when needed and provide blessings directly from God. These blessings can give healing, comfort, or guidance. They also have a responsibility to use their priesthood power outside of their family, to bless and help those in need, and serve in various leadership and teaching callings at church. It's a lot of responsibility, and it's entirely focused outward. Men shouldn't use their priesthood authority to dominate or lord over anyone. In fact, the church teaches that any man who tries to do so is unworthy to carry the priesthood. The priesthood is about service. It's about helping, uplifting, and blessing others. It's a sacred responsibility.

Does having the priesthood make men better or more important than women? Absolutely not. The church does not place men above women in any way, shape, or form. It merely teaches that men and women are different, and have different responsibilities. If you look at it, side by side, it seems to me that men and women are sharing the load pretty equally.

In this day and age, it seems that the world is trying to "equalize" men and women by making them more and more alike in nature, and erase their differences entirely. But the fact is, at our very cores, men and women are different. And we are therefore better suited for different things.

That doesn't mean that we can't step into each other's roles when necessary. There are plenty of single parents who have to perform both sides of things. I've done it myself in many ways when Ben has been deployed. He's done his part to cover for me in the rare times that I'm out or sick and he's watching Evie, because we're equal partners. But I'll never be able to fill his shoes perfectly, and he'll never be able to do all the things that I do. Because we're different. But that's good! We compliment each other.

In my opinion, women wanting the priesthood so fervently is ridiculous. We already have as much responsibility on our shoulders as the men do, if not more. We've been given a share of the work. We have sacred responsibilities of our own, ones that are meant for us and will bring us the greatest happiness. God knows what He's doing. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He wants us to have joy in this life, and He has divided the roles of men and women in such a way that will bring us the greatest joy possible.

Women feeling like they're treated as second-class citizens in the church because they don't have the priesthood is entirely in their own imagination. None of the men in the church would agree with that sentiment, and any that did would be unworthy of their own role as a priesthood holder.

Here are some of the things the church teaches about women:

“The true spirit of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gives to woman the highest place of honor in human life." - Improvement Era, May 1935

"One of your unique, precious, and sublime gifts is your femininity, with its natural grace, goodness, and divinity. Femininity is not just lipstick, stylish hairdos, and trendy clothes. It is the divine adornment of humanity. It finds expression in your qualities of your capacity to love, your spirituality, delicacy, radiance, sensitivity, creativity, charm, graciousness, gentleness, dignity, and quiet strength. It is manifest differently in each girl or woman, but each of you possesses it.
"Femininity is part of the God-given divinity within each of you. It is your incomparable power and influence to do good. You can, through your supernal gifts, bless the lives of children, women, and men. Be proud of your womanhood. Enhance it. Use it to serve others." - James E. Faust, April 2000 General Conference

"The errand of angels is given to women... They fulfill their divine potential and magnify their God-given gifts. They are capable, strong women who bless families, serve others, and understand that “the glory of God is intelligence” (D&C 93:36) - Margaret D. Nadauld, October 2000 General Conference

“Woman is God's supreme creation. Only after the earth had been formed, after the day had been separated from the night, after the waters had been divided from the land, after vegetation and animal life had been created, and after man had been placed on the earth, was woman created; and only then was the work pronounced complete and good.
“God will hold us accountable if we neglect His daughters.” - President Gordon B. Hinckley “Our Responsibility to Our Young Women,” Ensign, Sept. 1988

"I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges, and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him. Because of this divine heritage you, along with all of your spiritual sisters and brothers, have full equality in His sight and are empowered through obedience to become a rightful heir in His eternal kingdom, an “[heir] of God, and joint-[heir] with Christ.” Seek to comprehend the significance of these doctrines. Everything Christ taught He taught to women as well as men. Indeed, in the restored light of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a woman occupies a majesty all her own in the divine design of the Creator. You are, as Elder James E. Talmage once phrased it, 'a sanctified investiture which none shall dare profane.'
"Be a woman of Christ. Cherish your esteemed place in the sight of God. He needs you. This Church needs you. The world needs you. A woman’s abiding trust in God and unfailing devotion to things of the Spirit have always been an anchor when the wind and the waves of life were fiercest. I say to you what the Prophet Joseph said more than 150 years ago: “If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.” - Jeffrey R. Holland, October 2005 General Conference

I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

The church in no way thinks of women as being lesser to men in any form. If anything, they put womanhood on a pedestal. So, logically, this whole "the church is sexist and women are second-class citizens" idea is malarkey.

But that's not even the biggest issue here. The reason this woman, Kate Kelly, the founder of the Ordain Women movement, is facing excommunication is that she has been working through her movement to pull people away from the teachings of the church. She has been encouraging people to turn their backs on the doctrine we receive from our prophet and try to publicly shame the church into changing their doctrine to suit her opinions. And she does it while claiming to be a faithful member of the church.

But here's the thing. All faithful members of our church believe that God gives us revelation and doctrine through his living prophet, our leader, Thomas S. Monson. And we believe that our church has been led by living prophets since its restoration in the 19th century. We believe that Joseph Smith Jr. was the first prophet of the restored gospel, and that he communicated directly with Jesus Christ, and that he got all of the doctrine he taught from the Savior. And since Joseph Smith's time, we have had fifteen more prophets, all of whom have led the church under the direct authority and direction of Jesus Christ. We believe that Christ, Himself, is the head of our church. All the doctrine we get comes from Him.

Do you see the problem here?

You can't claim to be a faithful member of the church, and believe that God is at the head of it, leading us, and then turn around and try to change the doctrine by protesting and forming organizations and getting the media to make the church look bigoted. Either Christ is the head of our church, and the doctrine we have is valid and has a divine purpose, or the church is just an earthly organization that can be swayed by popular opinion. In which case, why even bother with it? If it's not God's church, why claim to believe in it at all?

Unfortunately, the problem in this situation is pride. This isn't unusual, pride tends to be at the root of most of our worst decisions. We think that we know better than other people. We think we're smarter, or better looking, or more talented. We feel entitled. Most people get that way from time to time. But if you don't take a step back and catch yourself, and try to be humble, it can grow and consume us until we think we know better than the Lord.

Because that's what this is. Anyone who leaves the church or fights the church because of some point of doctrine or other that they disagree with is being prideful. And we cannot progress spiritually if we're being proud. Pride is a wall built directly in our path. The only way to move forward is to tear the wall down by being humble and repenting. When it comes to doctrine, that means accepting it, even if you disagree with it, and genuinely trying to live by it. And when you can do that, you can begin to understand the why.

Some have criticized the church for Kate Kelly's potential excommunication, saying that the leadership of the church is trying to punish people for having opinions and asking questions. Some believe that we're all brainwashed, and that asking questions is discouraged so as to keep us all in line.

The fact is, though, that we're encouraged to ask questions. We're encouraged to think, and study, and pray. That's how we gain understanding, and receive revelation. God doesn't just give us answers out of nowhere. He waits for us to ask. But we're encouraged to do so with humility and sincerity. When pride or anger enters into the equation, when we have a spirit of "this can't be right, what are they thinking," we begin to close ourselves off from the Spirit, and it's much harder to get true answers.

I'll give you a personal example. When the church came out and asked members in California to vote for Prop 8 in California, I was shocked. I knew from personal study (which, again, is encouraged) that the church doesn't harbor any kind of ill will toward the LGBT community. If anything, their stance has been one of love. They've actually supported gay rights when it comes to the law. So I was surprised.

I've had several gay friends throughout my life (being in the musical theater world), and my first thought was that it didn't seem fair to them. Why shouldn't they get to be with the person they love? Isn't that a good thing? And the church is all about love, so why did they suddenly seem so hateful?

It took me several days of thinking and praying about it. At first, my prayers were incredulous and a bit of the "that can't be right" prideful sort. But then I tried to be humble. I asked myself, "Is the church true?" And I've had too many experiences in my life that have testified to me of the reality and truthfulness of the gospel to deny that one.

Yes, it's true.

So, then, if it's true, the prophet is in direct communication with God, right?

Right.

And he would never abuse his authority as the prophet to misguide the members? He would never lie and say something was from God when it was merely his own opinion?

Never. Not in a million years. He's a man of integrity and honor.

And he and the other leaders of the church put this out there as an official, church-sanctioned, God-directed stance?

Yes.

Therefore, this must come from God.

From there, I had a choice. I could either turn my back on everything I believed in, or I could be humble and choose to embrace the instruction from the church, even though I didn't understand it. I chose to trust God. He sees much more of the bigger picture than I ever will. Just because I didn't understand it at the time, didn't mean that He was confused about it. The Lord always has a reason.

Because that's the thing in situations like this. We tend to put too much trust in our own understanding. But we're so limited! We understand nothing when compared to God. He sees and knows and understands everything. Each of us is like a blind man, being guided by His voice. He's giving us directions, because we can't actually see where we're going. We need to trust Him if we're going to make it where we want to go.

So I decided to accept the doctrine we've been given and oppose gay marriage. It wasn't an easy decision, but once I made it, I stuck with it.

And then came the understanding.

Because that's how revelation works. All of us are entitled to personal revelation from the Lord. But we can't receive clear answers if we're being prideful and hard-hearted. We need to be humble in order to hear the Spirit's still, small voice.

I came to understand that the church was, of course, still about love. We weren't opposed to gay marriage because we hate the LGBT community and want to keep them apart. Rather, we fully support monogamy for all people. But to us, marriage isn't a legal institution. It's a religious one. For us, the definition of marriage is a union between a man, woman, and God. Marriage and family are at the center of everything we believe. We believe that families can continue, in their family units, through eternity. Marriages can last forever. They don't have to end with death. They are an extremely important, central part of our faith, and as such, have clear-cut rules.

Our views on marriage are clearly different than the world's views. That's why not just anyone can be married in one of our temples. For us, it's a sacred ordinance.

I personally believe that if religious marriage and legal marriage were defined by different words, we wouldn't have a problem with gay marriage. If, for example, "civil union" was the legal term for any and all legal unions, our church would fully support gay civil unions. Legally, members of the LGBT community should have all the same rights as anyone else. Religiously, as members of the LDS church, we're held to higher standards. And it's not purely based on sexual preference. Most heterosexual people aren't able to enter our temples and be married for eternity, either. Nobody is, until they meet the necessary standards.

The only reason the gay marriage debate became an issue in the first place was because we were given the opportunity to vote on it. If we'd been given the chance to vote on something else - like whether pornography should be outlawed - we probably would have voted according to our standards in that instance, too. And we also would have outraged people. But, as I learned, it's truly not about hate. It's just about taking the opportunity to try and stand up for what we believe is best. If we could make it so, we wouldn't want people to have sex outside of marriage, either. We'd outlaw alcohol and tobacco. We would vote to make adultery illegal. We would even vote to make all businesses (except emergency ones, like ERs and fire stations) close on Sundays. If given the chance, of course we would vote to make the world more the way we believe God would want it to be.

But we weren't presented with the opportunity to vote on any of that. So it's never come up. Simple as that.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, when we're humble and embrace the doctrine we're given from the Lord, we're able to learn, and grow, and get answers to our questions.

So, people who accuse members of the church of being "sheep" or "brainwashed" and say that we're discouraged from asking questions clearly don't understand the doctrine we're taught. Relying on the intelligence and strength of man and protesting the Lord's doctrine is not the same thing as "asking questions." That's just pride. That's being hardhearted. The real, tough questions are the ones we ask the Lord, and ourselves. "What am I doing wrong? What do I need to change in my life? How can I be more humble? How can I increase my understanding? How can I feel closer to the Spirit?" Because only through humility and drawing nearer to the Lord can we truly gain answers to the really important questions. And that's a much tougher thing to do that protesting and getting puffed up and belligerent. Anger and pride is easy. Humility is hard.

When we're prideful and fight against what has been taught, we create a wall for ourselves. We're no longer able to feel the Spirit as strongly. And, if it continues, and if we work to pull people away with us, it can lead to apostasy.

And that's what's happening with Kate Kelly. She has fought against the Lord for so long, and has been so vocal, angry, and prideful about it, that she's actively working to pull people away from the doctrine that we've been given. She considers herself a faithful member, but it's not the church she's fighting, it's the Lord. So, facing excommunication for apostasy sounds about right to me.

The church never does these kinds of things lightly. She has been warned by church leaders that this might be the outcome if she doesn't stop. But she chose to ignore those warnings.

And honestly, I truly don't see how she reconciles her actions with being a "faithful member" in her own mind. The contrast is so huge. As I said earlier, either this is the Lord's church and His doctrine is there for a reason, or it's a social, earthly organization that can be swayed by protest and public opinion. It can't be both.

The good news is, there's always repentance. That's a gift that everyone can use, if they're willing. I sincerely hope that Sister Kelly can humble herself and draw closer to the Lord. She's a daughter of God, just like me, just like all women. She's loved. The Lord is waiting for her to turn back to Him. I'm sure He wants that desperately. I hope she can work things out and fix her relationship with Him. I hope she can learn to embrace her role as a woman, and appreciate the divine gifts that come with womanhood.

As for me, I'm proud to be a woman. I'm proud to be one of God's cherished daughters. I have divine potential in me, as do all women. I'm happy to embrace my role as a wife, a mother, a leader, a woman.

The way I see it, if that's what God wants for me, there's a good reason for it. I trust in His love for me. I trust that He wants me to be happy. I trust that He won't lead me astray.

People are flawed. God is perfect. I choose to be on His side.

Aaaaaand.... THERE'S the Happy Ending!

As some of you may know, today I was having a rotten day due to a particularly sadistic dream my brain whipped up. Long story short, I woke up wondering if I actually make any kind of difference or impact as a human being, or whether I'm ultimately useless and replaceable. My brain was coming down on the side of "useless and replaceable."

Like I said, rotten day.

Satan was in my head, and he wasn't budging. I was in despair, thinking I was a failure as a human being. I couldn't think of a single meaningful contribution I have made to the world, aside from my perfect angel of a daughter. And she, quite frankly, is all of those things without my help.

All day long, I couldn't shake the funk. I couldn't find a way to argue with the conclusion my brain was pushing. I was in despair.

Then, I went to the broadcast of the general women's meeting for my church: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

They hold these broadcasts twice a year. This year, rather than just inviting women ages 12 and up, they invited all ladies ages 8 and up.

Such a tiny change, but such a huge impact.

Seeing all those little girls in the audience, barely older than my own daughter, touched my heart. Then they started singing. And my hard, bitter, broken heart melted.

And then, over the course of the broadcast, it healed.

The theme of the entire meeting was basically this: I am a daughter of God. He knows me. He loves me. I mean something to Him.

It was like being hit over the head with a spiritual brick. I sensed that God had been trying to give me this reassurance all day, but I had been so lost in my own despair that I couldn't hear Him.

I cried through almost the entire broadcast. The Spirit was so powerful, testifying to me that not only does God know and love me, but He has a plan for me. My life has a purpose. A purpose that is meant for me, and me alone, to fulfill.

I may not have any unique abilities. But I do have talents and abilities that I use to praise God and spread His message of love.

I may not have a fancy job, or do anything the world sees as important. But I try to help those around me, and ease their burdens where I can. Little actions can make a big difference.

I may not write any great novels, or invent any handy appliances, or discover any cures to terrible diseases. But I can, and will, raise a child who will be a force for good in this world. A child who has the potential in her to change the world for the better. A child who can uplift and serve others, and be a shining beacon of God's love.

I may merely be a stay-at-home mom with one kid, no college degree, no job, and no particularly useful skills.

But I am me. I am unique. I am the only one who is all of the crazy things that I am. My life has meaning, and purpose, and direction. And I am precious to my Father in Heaven. He doesn't see me as expendable. He doesn't think I'm useless. He never, for even a moment, forgets who I am. I am known to Him. I am cherished by Him. I am important to Him.

I knew before I ever came to this life that I would have trials. I would go through terrible times. I would know pain, despair, agony. But you know what? I agreed to all of that.

I agreed to go through heartbreaking loss, so that I might know the incredible beauty of love.

I agreed to suffer agonizing trials, so I could learn to appreciate the bliss that comes with peace.

I agreed to deal with unbearable pain, so I would understand indescribable joy.

Everything in this life has its opposite. As Eve understood, we need to pass through sorrow so that we can learn what joy is. You can never fully appreciate what it means to have good health until you've been sick. Opposites are a necessary part of life - one that we all agreed to before we came to Earth.

For me, today was a day of both wretched despair and unbelievable joy. It hurt like crazy to go through the first part of my day, when I was wracked with anguish over the idea that I might have no worth. But from those painful depths I rose and soared to great heights through the love of my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

I know who I am. I am a beautiful, beloved daughter of my Heavenly Father. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am worthwhile. I have the power to change the world, and make it a better place.

And I am loved. Loved by a beautiful husband and daughter. Loved by brilliant, amazing parents and siblings. Loved by incredible, generous friends. And loved by God, the most powerful being in the universe; my very Creator.

And not one person on that list thinks I'm useless or replaceable.

When Brains Go Bad

My brain hates me. I feel like I've addressed this before, but I don't remember what post it was and I don't feel like looking it up. The jist of it was this: My brain always sends me dreams about Ben cheating on me or leaving me or losing interest in me. My brain is kind of sadistic. And I've come to realize that it's (obviously) my own insecurities causing the dreams. My husband is amazing, and I love him, and often feel that I don't deserve him. I feel like he can do much better than plain ol' me. And thus, I get the nightmares.

But my husband, for whatever reason, is crazy about me. Certifiable. He'd do anything for me. As I'm typing this, he's in the kitchen making brownies because I'm supposed to take brownies to the women's broadcast at my church tonight, and I'm having such a massively terrible day that I just don't have the energy to do it myself. So he's doing it for me. No complaints, no heavy sighs, nothing to suggest that he might have something better to do. He's amazing.

A while back, I finally really let myself believe that Ben is head over heels in love with me and devoted to me. Since then, I have had very few - if any - nightmares about him leaving me.

So, my brain being the sadistic jerk that it is, it's finding other ways to mess me up.

While Ben was gone, the weight of our infertility was off of my shoulders for a while. He was deployed, so I couldn't get pregnant anyway. I missed him, a LOT, but from this one perspective, it was a bit of a vacation. I didn't have to think about the six and a half years of failed attempts to have a second child.

He came home, and it was awesome. Because having him home IS AWESOME. But of course, no matter how hard I tried to not think about it, the monthly "what if?" battle began again in the back of my head.

I told myself, "You're probably not pregnant. After six and a half years, what are the odds it would happen now?" But I couldn't help thinking, "maybe..."

I said, "It doesn't matter. It'll happen when God wants it to happen. It's out of my hands. Don't worry about it." But in the back of my mind, I was aware of every weird change to my body or mind that could, POTENTIALLY be a sign of pregnancy.

I repeatedly thought, "It's no big deal. Don't think about it. If you think about it, you'll hope, and then you'll be sad when you're not pregnant. We've been doing this for six and a half years! Too many heartaches to count. You're almost certainly not pregnant. So don't think about it. Don't hope. DON'T HOPE." Because, in situations like this, "hope" is a four-letter word in all the negative ways.

But you can't help it. No matter how good you've gotten at not focusing on it, not dwelling on it, not even thinking about it, that tiny hope is always in the back of your mind.

And I'm going to tell you something - I have gotten good at it. I used to stress out about it, but now I live my life without much pregnancy-related stress at all. I've gotten really good at pushing everything down and telling myself that it will all be okay.

But that doesn't mean that the hope isn't there. And where there's hope, there's inevitable disappointment.

However, I've gotten pretty good at that, too. Yesterday, when I found out that I wasn't pregnant, I was fine! I didn't cry or anything. I was a bit short-tempered for a few minutes, but I got over it quickly. I told myself it didn't matter. It'll happen someday. Or it won't.

I don't want my life to revolve around my infertility. Granted, it's something that I don't really keep quiet about, either. I'm not afraid to share my struggles with people, usually in the hopes that my experiences might help them with whatever they may be dealing with. And it is the biggest trial in my life. It's certainly been going on for the longest. So yeah, it's a part of my life. Even a big part of it. But I don't want my entire life to be centered on my infertility. That's not healthy.

So, while it hurts, and while I talk about it pretty frequently on my blog, that's only because it is a big part of my life. And sometimes a girl needs to vent. But it's not the most important thing in my life. Most days, I don't even think about it.

But this is not one of those days.

As I mentioned earlier, I was fine yesterday when I found out that, as usual, I wasn't pregnant. It wasn't a really big deal.

But then, last night, my brain made up for the lack of Ben-centered nightmares and did something truly sadistic.

Last night, I dreamed the same thing the entire night. I even woke up twice and went back to sleep in the hopes that my dream would change.

It didn't.

In my dream, we were living in an ancient empire where, in order for a new emperor to rise, a human sacrifice had to be made. So they chose a person who made little to no contribution to society. Someone who wouldn't be missed.

They chose me.

"You can't have more kids," they told me. "Your daughter is grown enough that she doesn't really need you. You don't have a college degree, or a job. You're good with music, but that isn't really necessary for society. You don't contribute in any way that has any meaning. So it makes sense that you would be our sacrifice."

I dreamed this dream, in many variations, all night long.

So, I woke up today feeling like not only am I a failure as a mother, but also as a human being.

I don't have a college degree. I did six years of college, but I have nothing to show for it. So I can't get a job that makes any decent kind of money.

I don't know how to do anything useful, like fix a car or computer; sew a decent anything; cook anything particularly nutritious or tasty; do taxes or perform surgery or give grand speeches. I don't have any skills of inspiration or persuasion. I can't even convince people to attend a party or a church activity!

So what do I do? I'm a stay-at-home mother with one really easy kid. All I've really wanted from life was to be the wife of a good man (at least I nailed that part), and a mother to a whole flock of children. Instead, I'm the human version of "Parenting for Dummies." I have one easy kid who requires very little parenting. A monkey could do my job.

The only things I'm good at are things that are nice, but not really necessary.

I play the organ at church, but I could easily be replaced by an iPod. And the iPod would make fewer mistakes.

I take pictures, but let's be honest: anyone with a decent camera can do that, too.

I can sing, but there's about a million other people in the world who can sing, too, and most of them much better than me.

I can act, but really, that's purely frivolous entertainment. It's fun, but not really useful. I'm certainly not good enough as a singer or actor that anyone would ever pay me for it.

I really don't do anything that has any genuine value. And I never live in one place long enough to really leave a lasting impression on anyone. Once I move away, I just slowly fade out of people's memories. After a while, it's like I was never there in the first place.

I'm so replaceable. 

So, yeah. Today has been pretty crappy. My brain hates me for some reason, and made that abundantly clear last night. The funny thing is, I never really thought any of those things about myself before. I always thought I was a fairly cool chickie (despite using words like "chickie"). So I'm not sure where my brain is getting all of this from. I had no idea that I had so much self-loathing in my subconscious.

But when I think about it, my brain has a point. What good am I, really? I don't really do anything particularly useful. I just kind of... exist.

I suppose that's true for most people, though. I had just always liked to think that maybe there was a greater purpose for my life than just "existing."

A Real Man

As my husband has been deployed the past few months, we've found that sometimes it's hard to find things to talk about. We're lucky because we get to talk to each other almost every day, either through Facebook chat or Skype. But he's not doing much on his deployment that is terribly exciting, and life here is business as usual. So sometimes we have to get creative to find things to discuss.

This has led me to a deeper understanding of who my husband is. I always knew he was a good man, but I'm not sure I ever realized how good a man he really is.

He's not a stereotypical guy. Because of this, actually, he often doesn't feel like he really fits in or relates to the guys he works with, who are mostly type-A military guys. He doesn't care much about sports (unless it's BYU football, or the World Cup). He doesn't drink, or brag about his sex life. He doesn't swear or yell or crack a lot of jokes. He doesn't like deployments, or even love his job like a lot of military guys do. He doesn't spend all his time at work. He prefers to be home. And while he makes a good leader when it's required, he doesn't actively seek opportunities to be in charge.

My husband is a bit introverted. He's a thinker, and a listener. He enjoys classical music, musical theater, and even ballet. He sings like a (very manly) angel. He quotes movies. He wants to learn karate - and the flute. He plays nerdy video games, and Dungeons and Dragons (when he has the chance). He's passionate about the subject of marriage, and what makes a good marriage work. He loves our daughter, and would be perfectly happy to have a whole flock of daughters, even if it means he never has a son. And he wants a lot of kids. He can shoot a gun with great accuracy, and he'll stand up for other people when needed, but he's not remotely violent.

He's all kinds of contradictions. Not at all a stereotypical guy. But the best part about him is, he's totally comfortable in his own skin. He doesn't feel the need to compare himself with other guys. And he doesn't really care what they think of him.

He was talking with an Army guy a few weeks back and mentioned his love of classical music, theater, opera, and ballet. The guy, a stereotypical alpha male, got a bit uncomfortable and looked for something to say about how "that kind of thing is okay in the military now."

He was, of course, assuming that my husband is gay. Because obviously there's no way a straight guy could possible enjoy those kinds of things.

Ben made a mild attempt to correct him, mentioning that our daughter is a ballet dancer and how he's proud she's following in his footsteps. But the guy was set in his conclusion.

Ben could have whipped out a family picture, or started bragging about his beautiful wife, but instead, he just let it go. He didn't really care what this guy thought of him. It didn't bother him, or make him feel threatened to have his sexuality questioned like that. He's completely secure in his manhood, even when others assume otherwise.

He might be embarrassed to have me tell this story. I hope not, because I don't think it's embarrassing at all. To the contrary, it makes me proud to have a husband who is so secure in himself that he doesn't try to change himself to fit other people's perceptions of what he should be. He is who he is, and he's completely comfortable that way.

That, to me, is a sign of a real man.

More than that, though, I've learned how deep his respect for women truly goes. He's always treated me like a goddess. He's crazy about me, and always sensitive to what I feel or need. And he's completely respectful of me. He never notices other women - not even in magazines or on posters or TV. Well, I'm sure he sees them, but he doesn't objectify them. They don't catch his eye the way I do. I'm literally the only person in the world who does. I've loved that about him since day one.

But I've learned that this isn't just because of his deep, abiding love for me (although that's certainly part of it). My husband truly respects women. He doesn't get angry or terribly vocal about a lot of things, being a fairly introverted guy. But when it comes to the way women are treated, he can go bat-crap crazy on a guy.

There have been changes being made throughout the military to try and stop the objectification of women among the troops. This is so that women who join the armed forces will feel safer and more comfortable. As it is, the military is a bit of a boys' club. While most of the men are decent, respectful guys, you do get the occasional neanderthal types who think they can do whatever they want with any woman they want and it's okay. The military is trying to take steps to prevent that attitude. This includes getting rid of any sexist posters or reading material, and setting rules about not telling racy, off-color jokes and stories.

Most of the guys understand the reasoning behind the rule changes, and are accepting and respectful of it, even if they disagree. A few, though, are vocal about how stupid they think the rules are. They prefer to brag about their exploits, and tell degrading stories and jokes.

There's one guy in particular who Ben works with who is a real loud-mouth. He's fairly sexist, and has little respect for women. He has a friend who was "falsely accused" of raping a girl. Granted, the only evidence he has that it was a false accusation is his friend's word. But he will tell anyone who listens about this girl who ruined his friend's life by crying rape, and then talk about how awful and manipulative women are, and how they shouldn't tease a guy and then cry rape. That kind of thing.

Ben's response the first time he heard the story was this: "Your friend is a rapist." He didn't make excuses for the guy, or nod sympathetically about how terrible women are. He immediately sided with the poor girl who had been raped.

Obviously, none of us knows the full story behind what really happened. But all too often women are accused of lying about rape, when the fact is that most women who cry rape do so because they were raped. I love that my husband doesn't side with those who try to excuse it as something less. He sides with the women.

When we were talking the other day, he sent me a link to a page he was reading on a similar subject. You can find the link here. It's a "change my view" post on Reddit, by a guy who was trying aggressive techniques to get women to go out with him - based on techniques he'd found through an extremely sexist, rapey online group that basically targets women. He wanted to know if there was really something wrong with his aggressive techniques, because hey! It seemed to work!

The part that really interested Ben was the response from a woman who explained exactly why the technique was a creepy load of crap. She talked about the "fight or flight" response a woman feels when being manhandled by a (bigger, stronger, faster) male. She talked about how women often freeze up because they don't know what to do.

Ben was, of course, completely on her side. He and I have talked before about how most women have at least one experience in their life where they're "attacked" by a man in some way or another, even if it never goes so far as rape. I myself can think of at least two separate occasions where I felt like my wishes were ignored, and a guy pressed himself on me - one, to the point where I was actually assaulted. Both times I froze, not knowing what to do. My response was exactly as the women wrote in response to the link above.

My whole life, in the years since those incidents, I've wished I could have reacted more quickly, and done things differently. Now, because of that article (and my sweet husband for pointing it out), I know that it was in no way my fault. It's not my fault I froze, and didn't know what to do. And the fact that, in both instances, I was able to get out of the situation, is something I should be proud of.

When I discussed this with Ben, he was 100% on my side. From the beginning, even before I had this epiphany myself, he knew these stories and always placed the blame squarely on the men who ignored my wishes. And he does the same any time he hears a similar story.

My husband respects women, and sees us as a rare, beautiful treasure. Old, young, pretty, plain, smart, dull, fat, thin - he is on our side, no matter who we are, what we look like, or what our circumstances may be. That doesn't mean that he always thinks I'm right about everything, or that women can't ever make mistakes or do stupid things. We're people, after all, and imperfect. But when it comes to sexism, assault, abuse, or rape, he always sides with the women. And he doesn't put up with crude jokes, innuendos, or anything else from the guys at work.

He respects women. Genuinely. His parents raised him well. I'm so impressed by my husband. I always knew he was a sweet, loving, gentle, decent guy. I just never knew he was such an advocate for women. It just makes me love him even more.

So even though he prefers ballet to football; theater tickets over concert tickets; World of Warcraft over Halo; being with his family instead of hanging with the guys, I can honestly say that in spite of what anyone else might say, he is the very definition of a real man. He knows who he is, he's comfortable in his own skin, and he doesn't feel like he has to prove anything to anyone. He respects women and treasures his wife and daughter.

What more could a girl really want in a man? :)

To Thine Own Self Be True

I was video chatting with my husband the other night, and he was telling me a bit about the psychology classes he was taking for the Master's degree he's working on. He told me that studies show that girls are more likely to be influenced by their peers than boys are.

She made me do this. (j/k)

I found that interesting, although once I thought about it, it wasn't so surprising. Most guys won't spend time hanging out with another person that they hate. Boys are very open. Very honest. Very blunt. If they don't like something - or someone - they avoid it. If there's another guy they think is a jerk, they certainly don't waste their time and energy trying to suck up to the jerk and win his favor. It's more like they just... coexist.

Granted, this isn't always the case. But as a general rule, boys are more up front about what they think or what they like. They don't change their fundamental nature much. For the most part, they are who they are.

Someone said she needed "more color"

Girls are different. And I think that's part of why they're so much more easily influenced by their friends. Girls are creatures of emotion. And those emotions are often all over the place due to hormones - especially when they're growing up. They want to belong. They want people to approve of them. They want to be popular, and pretty, and desirable. This means that they'll often change themselves to fit someone else's standards. And all too often, they'll do things that they're not that comfortable with, just because a "friend" is encouraging it.

Girls are more manipulative than boys, too. Again, this is all exaggeration - not every girl is like that. But it's more common in girls. That's why there are so many studies on "Queen Bees." Girls will subtly manipulate one another to get others to do what they want. And if you don't do what they want you to do, these queen bees will shut you out. They'll spread lies about you, or threaten you, or get all of their friends to reject you.

*Not a real queen bee

I've seen it happen before. It isn't nice. It isn't pretty. But it's something that is, more or less, uniquely female.

I think the queen bee syndrome ties in with why girls are more easily influenced. There's just something about us that is much more sensitive. We want approval from our friends. We want to belong. It really bothers us when people don't like us.

When it comes to girls, there's a "type" on which the world is bent on selling everyone. You have to be pretty, and talented, and fun, and sweet, and good at everything you do, or you're not worth anything. The world has trained girls to seek the approval of everyone around them. We're being held to an impossible standard, and we get really down on ourselves when we fall short. And all too often, we're even harder on each other. We spend way too much time comparing ourselves to other people.

"Feed me approval!"

It's sad. Why should we care so much what the rest of the world thinks of us? Friends are important, yes, but who wants friends that manipulate you and make you feel bad about yourself? That's not friendship.

And it starts so young. My good friend was telling me the other day about her daughter. She had given her daughter permission to buy a hot lunch at school that day. She asked her daughter what she was going to get. Her daughter said that she had to get whatever her friends were getting, or she wouldn't be allowed to sit with them at lunch.

This little girl is in kindergarten! And already she's being manipulated by her "friends." It reminds me of the scene in Mean Girls, where they say that anyone in their group who wears sweat pants to school is not allowed to sit with them at lunch. When I saw it in the movie, I thought it was a gross exaggeration.

Apparently not.

Lead by example!

This is not okay. As a mother with a daughter, I really want to teach my daughter how to be her own self, free from the influence of others. Fortunately, the study also shows that parents have a huge amount of influence in their children's lives (girls and boys), even when their kids are teenagers. As a parent, maybe there's something I can do.

I think the most important thing for me, and for all women to do, is to stop worrying about what other people think! Set the example for the rising generation. Show them that it's more fun to be yourself, to be your very best self, than it is to follow a herd mentality.

One of the biggest steps here is to genuinely love yourself! We all have insecurities. We all have imperfections. Most of us are a pound (or several) heavier than we'd like. We all have features that we're not thrilled about. Crooked teeth, love handles, zits, bow legs, whatever it is, we've all got something.

Awesome, just the way I am!

SO. WHAT????

Seriously? Who cares? One of the things that makes women attractive is confidence. And I don't just mean attractive to men, I mean attractive to everyone. If you want to be the kind of person that other people are drawn to, confidence is your greatest tool. Instead of focusing on your flaws, focus on the best things about yourself! If not for your own mental well-being, do it for your children! Little girls learn from their mothers. If they see mom being hard on herself and complaining about her flaws, the little girls will start to examine themselves with the same overly critical eye. They'll start seeing their own flaws, and obsessing about how they don't fit with the world's standard of beauty.

But if you lead by example, and show your daughter that you are beautiful and confident no matter what your flaws may be, she will grow up with much healthier self-esteem! You are her hero, and her example of what a woman should be. Show her that embracing your assets and ignoring your physical flaws is the best way to live! That doesn't mean you can't improve on those flaws. Just don't make her think you're doing it because you are unhappy with yourself. Show her what good self-esteem looks like.

Hot stuff. 

I've got about 30-40 lbs of extra weight, crooked teeth, a Charlie Brown face, and scars. But I've also got big, beautiful eyes, great hair, luscious curves, and a fun personality. Everyone probably has two similar lists - the bad and the good. Focus on the good! Be proud of who you are! Love yourself! If you pay attention to your good qualities, that's what other people will notice, too! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! Own that!

No princess costume for her!

The physical is only the start of things, though. Our bodies are amazing, wonderful, and vitally important to our lives, but they're only the shell. They don't really show who we are. That comes through our actions.

So, even more importantly than focusing on the great things about your physical appearance, focus on the wonderful things about YOU! Don't try to become what other people want you to be, or think you should be. Become the best version of who you already are.

When I say "the best version," I mean to keep improving. We all have room for improvement. We can all be a little kinder, a little less judgmental, a little more optimistic, a little more charitable. We can work on our weaknesses while still staying true to who we are at our very core.

So dorky.

I've always been goofy. I've always loved laughing, and doing ridiculous things. This means that, when I was in school (especially middle school, but also to an extent in high school), people thought I was weird. They pretty much thought I was a big, dorky weirdo. There were times when I didn't have many friends. I even went through a period of time in middle school where I tried to be "cool." I started swearing like a sailor, talking back to people, even dressing in (moderately) inappropriate clothes. I tried to become the person that other people wanted me to be.

Weird = Wonderful!

I was miserable. Looking back on that time in my life, my memories feel very dark and dismal. I had suppressed all the best parts of my personality, and replaced them with garbage.

Eventually, of course, I realized that I was being stupid. I recognized that I was much happier as a goofy, dorky weirdo than as a brooding "rebel." I stopped trying to be something I wasn't. I even adopted a pseudo-swear word ("smoo") that I replaced all of my real swear words with, to break my potty-mouth habit. It took a lot of work, but I felt so much better! And frankly, I sounded a lot more intelligent when I stopped swearing.

I realized that I didn't need to be popular. Even just having an awesome family and one or two good friends that loved me for who I am was enough.

Real friends have pie-eating contests

The best friends I've had in my life were the ones who embraced me for me. They countered my silliness with silliness of their own. They embraced the odd activities we did, and joined me in Weirdo World.

That is what real friends do.

Stay epic, Evie!

So I plead with my daughter and women everywhere to be true to yourselves. You are amazing! You have tons to offer! And the people who will love you the most will be the ones who love you for exactly who you already are. They won't want to change you. They'll build you up, make you more you. They'll make you want to be a better person, without changing any fundamentals of your personality. They'll help you become your very best self.

You are beautiful. You are incredible. You have the power to change lives and influence future generations. Show the girls today how amazing it is to be yourself. Prove to them that happiness doesn't come with blind conformity, it comes with embracing all the fun, quirky things that make you uniquely you. Love your body, love your quirks, love your strengths and even your flaws.

You are you. Own it!

My Lord, My King

Today is Thanksgiving Day. I've saved the best for last. As always, on Thanksgiving Day I express my gratitude for my Savior, Jesus Christ.

More than anything else, my life revolves around my Savior. I want to be like Him. Every action I take in my life is taken with that at the forefront of my mind. Every aspect of who I am is tied to my faith in and love for Him. It's so deeply a part of me, that it's completely shaped my life. I would be a completely different person if not for my relationship with Jesus Christ.

I am a daughter of God. Heavenly Father is the father of my spirit. And Jesus is my older brother. He has a personal interest in me, and in each of us. Not only does He love us the way one sibling loves another, but He loves us as our Master, our Savior, our Lord.

Without Christ, none of us would have any chance to be with Him or our Heavenly Father again. No unclean thing can dwell in the Lord's presence, and no one in this life is perfect or without some degree of sin. Even the best people in the world are sinners. None of us are good enough to return to our Father's presence on our own.

The Lord has laws for a reason. There is a certain way we're expected to live. We can't be with our Heavenly Father if we don't abide by His laws. And if there is no punishment for a broken law, the law becomes meaningless. There must be justice.

But there is no one among us who is strong enough to take that punishment on our own. We sin every day, even just in small, seemingly inconsequential ways. All of those sins add up. Over a lifetime, the number of sins we commit - even the most good-hearted, righteous among us - adds up to an insurmountably huge amount. The cost is too much for us to pay alone. We require mercy if we're to have a chance at returning home to our Father.

Justice is necessary. But so is mercy. They seem to be at odds with one another.

That's where the Savior comes in.

Here is a parable that illustrates what I mean:

“Let me tell you a story—a parable.

“There once was a man who wanted something very much. It seemed more important than anything else in his life. In order for him to have his desire, he incurred a great debt.

“He had been warned about going into that much debt, and particularly about his creditor. But it seemed so important for him to do what he wanted to do and to have what he wanted right now. He was sure he could pay for it later.

“So he signed a contract. He would pay it off some time along the way. He didn’t worry too much about it, for the due date seemed such a long time away. He had what he wanted now, and that was what seemed important.

“The creditor was always somewhere in the back of his mind, and he made token payments now and again, thinking somehow that the day of reckoning really would never come.

“But as it always does, the day came, and the contract fell due. The debt had not been fully paid. His creditor appeared and demanded payment in full.

“Only then did he realize that his creditor not only had the power to repossess all that he owned, but the power to cast him into prison as well.

“ ‘I cannot pay you, for I have not the power to do so,’ he confessed.

“ ‘Then,’ said the creditor, ‘we will exercise the contract, take your possessions, and you shall go to prison. You agreed to that. It was your choice. You signed the contract, and now it must be enforced.’

“ ‘Can you not extend the time or forgive the debt?’ the debtor begged. ‘Arrange some way for me to keep what I have and not go to prison. Surely you believe in mercy? Will you not show mercy?’

“The creditor replied, ‘Mercy is always so one-sided. It would serve only you. If I show mercy to you, it will leave me unpaid. It is justice I demand. Do you believe in justice?’

“ ‘I believed in justice when I signed the contract,’ the debtor said. ‘It was on my side then, for I thought it would protect me. I did not need mercy then, nor think I should need it ever. Justice, I thought, would serve both of us equally as well.’

“ ‘It is justice that demands that you pay the contract or suffer the penalty,’ the creditor replied. ‘That is the law. You have agreed to it and that is the way it must be. Mercy cannot rob justice.’

“There they were: One meting out justice, the other pleading for mercy. Neither could prevail except at the expense of the other.

“ ‘If you do not forgive the debt there will be no mercy,’ the debtor pleaded.

“ ‘If I do, there will be no justice,’ was the reply.

“Both laws, it seemed, could not be served. They are two eternal ideals that appear to contradict one another. Is there no way for justice to be fully served, and mercy also?

“There is a way! The law of justice can be fully satisfied and mercy can be fully extended—but it takes someone else. And so it happened this time.

“The debtor had a friend. He came to help. He knew the debtor well. He knew him to be shortsighted. He thought him foolish to have gotten himself into such a predicament. Nevertheless, he wanted to help because he loved him. He stepped between them, faced the creditor, and made this offer.

“ ‘I will pay the debt if you will free the debtor from his contract so that he may keep his possessions and not go to prison.’

“As the creditor was pondering the offer, the mediator added, ‘You demanded justice. Though he cannot pay you, I will do so. You will have been justly dealt with and can ask no more. It would not be just.’

“And so the creditor agreed.

“The mediator turned then to the debtor. ‘If I pay your debt, will you accept me as your creditor?’

“ ‘Oh yes, yes,’ cried the debtor. ‘You save me from prison and show mercy to me.’

“ ‘Then,’ said the benefactor, ‘you will pay the debt to me and I will set the terms. It will not be easy, but it will be possible. I will provide a way. You need not go to prison.’

“And so it was that the creditor was paid in full. He had been justly dealt with. No contract had been broken.

“The debtor, in turn, had been extended mercy. Both laws stood fulfilled. Because there was a mediator, justice had claimed its full share, and mercy was fully satisfied” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1977, pp. 79–80; or Ensign, May 1977, pp. 54–55)

We needed the Savior. He is our mediator. He came down and paid the price for all of our sins. He felt every bit of our pain, our joy, our sorrow, our guilt, our love. And I believe He felt those things for each of us individually. He took the punishment for our sins, so that we don't have to. Through Him, the payment for each of our sins is met, satisfying the demands of justice. And through Him, and His love for us, we are given the gift of mercy. All we have to do to take advantage of His merciful act is to repent of our sins. To be truly penitent, make it right, and try to never do it again.

Repentance is certainly not always easy. Sometimes it may seem almost impossible. But that's not the case. Repentance is possible. It may be painful. It may be difficult. But Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ want us to succeed in repenting. They want us to take advantage of Christ's sacrifice and be washed clean through the His atonement. They will help us, support us, and give us the strength we need to repent.

I'm so incredibly grateful for that. If it weren't for the possibility of repentance, there is no way I could spend eternity with my family. There's no way I could be with my Heavenly Father or Jesus again. There's no way I could be freed from the burden of my sins. I wouldn't be able to really feel peace, or joy. I would be buried under a mountain of my own guilt.

What would even be the point of trying to live a righteous life? No matter how hard I try, without the atonement, there's no way I can make it. So why even bother? What's to prevent me from doing horrible things and becoming a horrible person? Nothing. Without Christ's sacrifice, my life would become meaningless.

But it's not meaningless. My life is beautiful. It's joyful. It's full of light and goodness, because my Savior loves me so much that He stepped in and satisfied the demands of justice on my behalf. He extended me mercy. He did it at great cost to Himself. I can only imagine the agony He must have felt when He suffered not only for me, but for every person who ever has or ever will live.

He was perfect. He didn't have to do it. He was the one person who lived a perfect life. He could get to heaven all on His own. The only reason He did it was because of His love for each of us.

For those who don't feel like they can really relate to what I mean, here's another story that I love.

****

There was a boy by the name of Steve who was attending school in Utah. In this school Seminary classes are held during school hours.  Brother Christianson taught Seminary at this particular school.  He had an open-door policy and would take in any student that had been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by his rules. Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other teacher wanted him, so he went into Brother Christianson's Seminary class.

Steve was told that he could not be late, so he arrived just seconds before the bell rang and he
would sit in the very back of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the class was over.

One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him.  After class,
Bro. Christianson pulled Steve aside and said, "You think you're pretty tough, don't you?"

Steve's answer was, "Yeah, I do."

Then Brother Christianson asked, "How many push-ups can you do?"

Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."

"200?  That's pretty good, Steve," Brother Christianson said.  "Do you think you could do 300?"

Steve replied, "I don't know...  I've never done 300 at a time."

"Do you think you could?" Again asked Brother Christianson.

"Well, I can try," said Steve.

"Can you do 300 in sets of 10?  I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work.  Can you do
it?  I need you to tell me you can do it," Brother Christianson said.

Steve said, "Well...  I think I can...  yeah, I can do it."

Brother Christianson said, "Good!  I need you to do this on Friday."

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room. When class started, Brother
Christianson pulled out a big box of donuts. Now these weren't the normal kinds of donuts,
they were the extra fancy BIG kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls.  Everyone was pretty excited-it was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend.

Bro. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and asked, "Cynthia, do you want a donut?"

Cynthia said, "Yes."

Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Cynthia
can have a donut?"

Steve said, "Sure," and jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk.

Bro. Christianson put a donut on Cynthia's desk.

Bro. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, "Joe, do you want a donut?"

Joe said, "Yes."

Bro. Christianson asked, "Steve would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?"

Steve did ten push-ups, Joe got a donut.

And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten pushups for every person before they got their
donut.

And down the second aisle, till Bro. Christianson came to Scott.

Scott was captain of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship.  When Bro. Christianson asked, "Scott do you want a donut?"
Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?"

Bro. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them."

Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."

Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?"

Steve started to do ten pushups.  Scott said, "HEY! I said I didn't want one!"

Bro. Christianson said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class, my desks, and my donuts.  Just leave it on the desk if you don't want it."  And he put a donut on Scott's desk.

Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little.  He just stayed on the floor between sets
because it took too much effort to be getting up and down.  You could start to see a little
perspiration coming out around his brow.  Bro. Christianson started down the third row.  Now the
students were beginning to get a little angry.

Bro. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"

Jenny said, "No."

Then Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve,would you do ten pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?"  Steve did ten, Jenny got a donut.

By now, the students were beginning to say "No" and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for each donut.

There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face, his arms and brow were beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved.

Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he did ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts.  So Robert began to watch Steve closely. Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row.

During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat along the heaters along the sides of the room.  When Bro. Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw 34 students in the room.  He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it.

Bro. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time.  He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.

Steve asked Bro. Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?"

Bro. Christianson thought for a moment, "Well, they're your pushups. You can do them any way that you want."

And Bro. Christianson went on.

A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was about to come in when all the students yelled, "NO! Don't come in!  Stay out!"

Jason didn't know what was going on.  Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."

Bro. Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten pushups for him."

Steve said, "Yes, let him come in."

Bro. Christianson said, "Okay, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now.  Jason, do you
want a donut?"

"Yes."

"Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason can have a donut?" Steve did ten pushups very slowly
and with great effort.  Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.

Bro. Christianson finished the fourth row, then started on those seated on the heaters.  Steve's
arms were now shaking with each pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face and, by this time, there was not a dry eye in the room.

The very last two girls in the room were cheerleaders and very popular. Bro. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last, and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut?

Linda said, very sadly, "No, thank you."

Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so that Linda can have a donut she
doesn't want?"

Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow pushups for Linda. Then Bro. Christianson turned to
the last girl, Susan. "Susan, do you want a donut?"

Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, "Bro. Christianson , can I help him?"

Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to do it alone, Steve, would you do ten
pushups so Susan can have a donut?"

As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that
was required of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor.

Brother Christianson turned to the room and said. "And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ,
plead to the Father, "Into thy hands I commend my spirit." With the understanding that He had done
everything that was required of Him, he collapsed on the cross and died.

"And like some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the desk, uneaten."

****

Please, please, please don't leave your metaphorical donut uneaten. Christ suffered for your sins, whether you take advantage of that sacrifice or not. He did it for you. I plead with you to take advantage of His gift and repent of your sins. Otherwise, His suffering for you was pointless. His sacrifice on your behalf was meaningless. And considering what He went through to extend mercy to you, all because He loves you so much, it just seems wrong to throw His gift away. 

I'm so grateful for my Savior. I love Him so much. I wouldn't be who I am without Him. He is the absolute center of my life. And on this day of Thanksgiving, I am grateful for Him more than anything else.  

If I Tell You I Love You, Can I Keep You Forever?

I had a dream last night that I was with Ben. He was home. It was wonderful.

But there was this sense of dread, like he was shortly going to be leaving again. In my dream, I knew he couldn't stay. The Air Force was sending him away again. Only this time, he wouldn't be coming back. He was going to die.

He knew it. I knew it. So we just spent as much time together as we could while we waited for the end to come.

It was awful. I swear, I have the most gut-wrenching dreams when it comes to Ben.

I think it's because his job takes him away a lot. Even when we're reunited, it's just resetting the clock so we can begin the countdown to another separation.

We're pretty good about enjoying our time together and not dwelling on when he'll have to go away again. But apparently my subconscious likes to focus on the negative.

Stupid subconscious.

And, of course, there's always the concern that he won't come home. As a pilot, he's never been in the thick of battle. He's generally safe. It's really hard to bring down a C-130. And they always live on bases that are very secure - often even in a different, peaceful country.

But things happen. Car accidents, illnesses, brain aneurysms. And, as I've mentioned, my subconscious hates me. So it torments me in my dreams.

The plus side of this is that when I wake up from the kind of dream I had last night, I feel happy. He may be on the other side of the world right now, and I may miss him like crazy, but he's alive and well and (more than likely) coming home eventually.

Take that, subconscious!

I've never loved anyone the way I love my husband.

Before meeting Ben, I never really understood the phrase "better half." I figured it was just a cute way for married couples to refer to each other. I mean, I knew what love was. I loved my parents, my siblings, my friends. I even had a boyfriend or two that inspired thoughts of love. But I didn't think the "better half" thing was literal. I figured people were just being cheesy.

But it's a real, literal thing. When I say "literal," I don't mean that his body is actually the other half of my body. That would be freaky and gross. But I do mean that he completes me. His soul and my soul are completely intertwined. You can't really tell where one begins and the other ends.

And now I'm getting cheesy. But it's true. It's a love like nothing I had ever before experienced in my life.

I think that's why it's so hard to be away from him. There's a gaping hole in my heart, a piece of me that goes with him when he leaves. I can feel it like a dull ache in my chest.

You get used to it after a while. But it's always there. It never really goes away.

The best thing about Ben is that, no matter what happens, I get to keep him forever.

That was the quote we put on our wedding invitations: "If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?" It's from a movie that Ben loves and I think is stupid, but the quote pretty much says what we mean.

Because we were married in the temple, we're sealed together for eternity. No "til death do us part!" Our marriage is stronger than the bonds of death. Because we were married in God's house by someone with priesthood authority (direct from God!), when we were sealed together as man and wife here on earth, we were also sealed together in heaven.

It's a doctrinal thing, that might be confusing to those who don't understand our faith. But it's a gift that's available to anyone who wants it. Feel free to ask if you want to know more.

For me, true love means that having a lifetime together isn't enough. This life is so brief. If we really love someone, that love can and should last forever. It doesn't make sense to me that we would entwine our souls so deeply with that of another person, and then BOOM! it's over when one of us dies, like it never existed in the first place.

That's just the saddest idea I've ever heard.

Our love for someone doesn't end when they die. So why should our connection to them end? Why would a loving God design things that way?

He wouldn't. He didn't. He wants us to be with our families forever. We are His family, and He wants to be with us. So why wouldn't He want us to be with our own family units as well?

Anyway, my point is, it gives me some peace of mind to send Ben off to war when I know that we'll be together forever. No matter what happens to us in this life, if we live righteously, we can and will be together in the next. The day will come when we will never have to say goodbye again.

So while I miss him terribly when he's gone, I can take comfort knowing that he will always come back to me.

He loves me. He adores me. He thinks I'm the most perfect woman ever to walk the face of the earth.

That's crazy, of course. But that's love.

My husband is the greatest man I know. Not "great" in the sense of being strong, powerful, mighty, or anything like that. "Great" as in absolute best.

There are the obvious traits, of course, that make him wonderful. He's handsome, smart, talented, loving, strong, witty, charming. Those are the kinds of things that most women look for in a husband.

But more important than that are the quieter traits. The ones that aren't so obvious. The ones that you really notice the more you get to know him.

He's patient. No matter how emotional or neurotic I'm being, he's calm. He never loses his temper or lashes out at me.

He listens. He's very thoughtful about it, too. You can tell he's really trying to understand your point of view when you talk to him. He really wants to know what it is you're trying to express.

Going along with that, he thinks before he talks. He almost never spits out a response without thinking. He's very deliberate. This allows him to express himself more clearly, and prevents him from sticking his foot in his mouth or saying something he doesn't mean. Usually. ;)

He's gentle, both physically and temperamentally. He doesn't try to intimidate anyone physically. He doesn't raise a hand to me or Evie, ever, or even get mad and punch a pillow. But he's very affectionate. He's constantly reaching out to me, holding my hand, touching my back, finding little ways to be in contact with me as much as possible.

He's a wonderful father. He's patient with Evie, and treats her with respect and love. He plays with her, and teaches her little life lessons whenever the opportunity arises. Evie adores him. When he's gone, she misses him almost as much as I do. He also sets an example for her of what a husband and father should be. He treats me like a queen, and isn't afraid to let Evie know how much he loves me. He never says anything bad about me to her, or to anyone else. He's teaching her what kind of man she should look for in a husband when she grows up, purely through his example.

He loves God. He's a worthy priesthood holder. He gives us blessings when we need them. He leads our family in prayer and scripture study. He bears his testimony in dozens of different ways every day. He tries to live a righteous life.

He's always willing to help me out. With anything. If I need help with cooking dinner, taking out the trash, taking the car for an oil change, emptying the dishwasher, bathing the dog, anything, all I have to do is ask him. He'll get up, without hesitation, and do it. He never complains about it or rolls his eyes. He feels that part of his job as a father and husband is to help me with whatever I might need. I take care of most of it, but when I'm feeling tired or overwhelmed or I have my hands full, he's always ready to step in.

He's passionate about me. Ben is not a guy who gets very excited about things. He never shouts for joy, or yells at the TV, or does a happy dance. He rarely even laughs out loud. When I told him we were pregnant with Evie, after 9 months of trying, he just smiled. He's very understated, and moderately introverted.

But when it comes to me, he's expressive. He's complimentary. He's loving, and affectionate, and silly. He tells me things he doesn't share with anyone else. I see his pain, his hopes, his joys, his fears, his soul. He's a completely different person when he's with me. And when he looks at me, I see in his eyes that his heart is mine, forever. He literally doesn't even notice other women. I've observed him, and he's honestly oblivious to all women who aren't me. He has been more real, more himself with me than with anyone else in the world.

I have no idea what I did to deserve such a man. I'm pretty sure that God was trying to show me that He blesses us way beyond what we deserve when He put Ben (and Evie!) in my life.

So no matter how many sad dreams, anxieties or military deployments I face, I can't complain. I am so incredibly blessed. Ben is my heart, my soul, my better half.

And literally the man of my dreams. ;)