Being a mom is kind of a thankless job sometimes. Yes, it's all worth it, and it's the most important, rewarding job in the world, but it's thankless all the same. The world looks down on stay-at-home moms, painting them as lazy and unmotivated. Get a job, you bums! Few realize (or, at least, few give credit) that being a mom is a 24-hour, 7-day-a-week job. And it's not just fixing snacks and kissing owies. There's paying bills, doing laundry, combing the hair of wiggling children, convincing your kid not to wear their pajamas out in public, teaching manners, giving pep talks, making dinner, knowing where everything is at all times, giving haircuts, and basically juggling the details of multiple people's lives, all at once.
It's a full-time job, with crazy hours and no pay. When my husband finishes work for the day, or for the week, he gets time off to relax. He can play a computer game, read a book, go to a movie, etc. While he's doing that, I'm still taking care of the kids, the house, and the details. Moms don't get time off to relax. We might get a few minutes here and there, and when we're lucky we get to put everything on other people for Mother's Day, but that's basically it. And even then, if something happens when Mom is relaxing, who do the kids run to? You guessed it. Relaxation time: over.
That's what I mean when I say it's thankless. Moms are just kind of taken for granted, by society as well as by their families.
It's a tough, important job. However, when I really look at the situation, I see that I'm also easily replaceable. A maid and a nanny could do all of my work, and probably do it better than I can. Heck, my husband can do all the same things I do! If something happened to me, my family would be sad, but it wouldn't really shake things up too much. Ben is more than capable of handling things. On the other hand, if something happened to Ben, our entire lives would be turned upside down. I would have to finish school before I could even think about getting a job that pays well enough to take care of my family. I'm planning to finish school anyway, but even then I'll have little work experience. Who would hire me? Ben is not easily replaced. But I am. Ben is more necessary for our family's survival than I am.
It's sad. Taking care of a family and raising kids is an important job. But it doesn't take an important person to do that, I guess.
I think the biggest problem is that I feel like I'm losing myself. I feel like I'm completely involved in being a mom and a wife, with nothing left over for myself. I'm not growing in any way as a person. I don't even have a calling at church to make me feel needed. I don't have anything outside of my family. I want to do theater again, or teach voice lessons, or have interesting places to go and things to see - some kind of hobby, just for me! But we're living in Little Rock for a couple of months, with no time to do theater, no piano in our apartment, and nothing interesting to do. Then we're moving to Abilene, which doesn't seem to have any musical theater productions. I'll have my piano, but who knows if anyone will even want voice lessons? That's more work than hobby, anyway. And the nearest city to Abilene (with interesting sights and activities) is two hours away. So I still won't really have anything for myself. I write in my blog and I write weekly emails, but it's not so much a hobby as an obligation. I do it so I can print it out later, as a journal. No one seems interested in anything I write anyway, so were it not for the journal reasons, I would just stop. Even to my friends and family, the things I have to share are not worth much.
The other problem is that Evie is getting old enough that she doesn't really need me anymore. She appreciates my attention, and I fix her food, but beyond that she's independent. She'll be in school in just a couple of years, and will need me even less. If I had more kids, I would feel more necessary. Babies are so helpless, that you definitely feel needed when you have one. They rely on you for everything. But, of course, I don't seem to be able to have any more babies any time soon. So, what now?
What am I for? It's a terrible feeling, knowing how easily replaced you are, especially when your entire identity is sunk into what you do. If anyone can do what I do, then what makes me special? What sets me apart, and makes me worthwhile?
I wish I had some sort of life apart from my family. I wish I could get involved with a musical, or be given a calling at church that requires some work. I wish more people than just my husband and daughter wanted me for something. I wish there was some niche that I could fill, that no one else could. I wish there was something I could do better than anyone else.
Any ideas?
7 comments:
Are you kidding me? You're totally irreplaceable! You need to read what you just wrote as if I had written it, and see what you'd say to me. Same thing, my dear!
Hang in there. I felt pretty useless for a while in Kenya, but now I'm so busy I wish I had time to blog once in a while. Things change. Enjoy your quiet period, cause it's not going to last.
Love you so much!
For starters, tell that freeloading husband of yours to get off his arse and help out in the evenings. I wholeheartedly abhor the idea of the working husband coming home and "deserving" to relax and just chill for the rest of the night. He's working full-time during the day, and so is she. When they're both home, they're both working part-time. That's how it works, in my opinion.
And Benjamin, I'm not trying to be harsh on you, and I don't mean to paint you as some ungrateful couch potato. But if Cassie is really feeling that she doesn't ever get a break, something has to change.
I have spoken.
By the way, to clarify, I mean nothing ill towards Benjamin. The "freeloading arse" line was meant as affectionate fun-poking, not an angry attack. I know he's an A+ chap, and what I mean to direct my discontent at is unpleasant social situations that exist in general.
No, no! He's actually very helpful around the house. He does whatever I ask him to, and frequently cleans up or helps with Evie without being asked. He always gets up with her in the mornings so I can sleep a little longer, too. He's very good about those kinds of things. My point was that I never really get a break, even when I'm taking a break. Evie constantly wants my attention, and I don't have anywhere I can really go to get away for a little while. Ben has work, and friends there, and I guess I'm jealous of that. I don't have any friends here, or hobbies that get me out of the house. I just have home, and it's a 24-7 kind of job. Ben is an exceptional husband, and I didn't mean for it to come across that he's not. This wasn't meant to be a reflection on him at all. I just meant that I feel a little... I don't know. Like I'm losing myself? I just wanted to whine a little bit, I guess. I'm doing a lot better today, anyway. See? -> :D
And thanks, Mom. You're right, I think Ben and Evie would seriously suffer without me. I guess I just kind of miss being in the spotlight, or something. I do love being a wife and a mom. We just all have days that are tough.
Love you both. :)
That's it. Send Evie to military school in Alaska for a while.
Oh sweetheart - I am not reading any of the posts on the side so if I repeat anything said that is my reason. I love you a ton. You are right that being a mom can be a thankless job but one that no one could do as well as you. Sure a nanny could watch Evie and a maid could clean but that is all they would be doing. They wouldn't love and nurture the way you do. You are irreplaceable. I may not comment all of the time but know that your blogs and your letters are the little extra that make me smile encourage me to be better. I love them. Plus I can pretend we aren't as far apart.
As for things that you can do...here are a few suggestions...get a how to draw course from the craft store or bookstore. It is actually fun (I'm not very good) but I drew a few things that were pretty good. I know you can draw but get the next level, see if you can learn something new or improve the skill. 2 - Take a class online. Maybe it is something you need or maybe something for fun. Learn, grow and love it. 3 - Is there something you want to do but not great at it? Learn a new skill - for me it was cake decorating...everyone appreciates cakes and cupcakes. 4 - As a kid my dad always told me that when I was down I needed to do something for someone else. I hated it but I have found it very true. Make a goodie a week and take it to some random person in your ward who may need a pick me up.
Whatever you do know that there is always one person who is always noticing and thanking you for taking care of His children. We may not see the end result now but it is important.
How crazy/ironic to read this blog just after having a conversation with my muzh about me needing to have at least one 'just me' activity! When he suggests that, I usually put it off and laugh (mostly because he's deployed right now, and was so busy before deployment he might as well have been gone). However, after reading your blog, you helped me see the light! Its so easy as a mama to let ourselves slip away. That's why I still go every few weeks to have a pedicure or once in a while I get a very nice hair cut...cause those are ME things I did before I as a mama that I want to hold onto. However, I can't do them by myself any more, and I'm realizing (esp after reading this) that I need to find things I can do all by myself.
<3 Hang in there, and you deserve some 'me' time to let yourself grow. It will make you a better mama, for sure!
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