Just Because...

I wrote this on Facebook after saying a lot of the same kinds of things to Ben. We weren't arguing or anything, I was just trying to explain how I feel sometimes. I feel like I'm judged for one aspect of myself or another, good or bad, a lot of the time. Some people see me as a talented musician, and not much more. Some people see me as a barren womb. Some people see me as a "Mormon," as if that's all that defines me. Some people see me as a goofball. Some people just see me as a chubby weirdo. Some people see me as a performer - hopefully, a good one.

The problem is that, once you judge someone like that, it's hard to see what else they have to offer. You're limiting yourself by your judgments and definitions of what a person "is."

And it's not just me, of course. People judge each other that way all the time. A great example is how the homosexual population is often portrayed. A lot of people who don't understand or have experience with homosexuals just define them as "gay" and leave it at that, as if that is all you need to know about a person.

Back in the day, not so long ago, people were defined by the color of their skin, or their nationality. This isn't a new thing.

We may be moving past those kinds of extreme snap judgments as a whole, but we still tend to define each other one way or another, often by considering only a single aspect of a person's personality. So I wrote this to explain that I'm more than just any one aspect of myself. I am many things, some good, and some bad. And I liked it, so I'm putting it here in my blog, too.

*****

Just because I'm musical doesn't mean I have no other talents to offer.

Just because I'm a milspouse doesn't mean I'm strong, and that's it's easy to be separated from my husband.

Just because I'm infertile doesn't mean that I don't love and appreciate Evie. And it doesn't mean I resent people who ARE fertile!

Just because I seem confident doesn't mean I'm not a weeping mess on a regular basis.

Just because I have an awesome husband and daughter doesn't mean my life - or my family - is perfect. We have our struggles just like everyone else.

Just because I like to laugh and be silly doesn't mean I'm a dummy.

Just because I'm generally well-liked doesn't mean I have a lot of friends.

Just because I'm overweight doesn't mean I'm not beautiful.

Just because some people think I'm beautiful doesn't mean I have great self-esteem.

Just because I'm religious doesn't mean I'm crazy.

And just because I'm kind of emotional and hormonal at the moment doesn't mean that there's no value in the things I've just said.

Never judge a person on just one aspect of themselves. Whether it's positive or negative, you're shutting yourself off to all the other things they have to offer. We're all three-dimensional beings, myself included.

Line Upon Line

The Lord teaches us and molds us with one thing at a time. If He tried to pour all understanding on our heads at one time, we would be overwhelmed and would probably give up immediately. Instead, in His great wisdom, He goes at our pace. Sometimes we're in a place where we're spiritually prepared to receive a great deal of understanding. At other times - most of the time - we receive understanding in bits and pieces.

That's how this past 5+ years have been for me. As we've dealt with infertility, I've felt a great deal of despair, confusion, self-loathing, and even occasional anger at God. I haven't been spiritually prepared for great understanding. So the Lord would give it to me in flashes. As I would try to humble myself, and plead for help and understanding, the Lord would give me a little knowledge. 

Over the past 5+ years, I've learned that trials are not only to help us grow and become better people, they are also a chance for us to become closer to the Lord. 

The Lord doesn't bless people with children based on their own personal worthiness. If He did, there would be no terrible parents. So the fact that I'm dealing with infertility does not mean its because of any lack of value on my part. God loves me.

God weeps with us when we weep. He feels our anguish, and understands our pain. He doesn't give us trials because it's fun or entertaining. He does it to shape us into the people we need to be so we can return to Him.

Having faith in the Lord means embracing His will and His timing. We can't say "I'm faithful! Give me what I want right now!" The Lord knows when the best time will be for any righteous thing we desire. Take my infertility as an example: When you think about it, we're shaped by the experiences and friends we have growing up. So the "when" of a baby's birth is vital to the way their entire life is shaped. I want the best for my children, and so does the Lord. So He will send them when the time is exactly right, so they can have their best chance for success and joy. 

Sometimes the Lord lets us have trials so we can reach a certain decision that we may not have reached without those trials. We become the people we do because of the experiences we have. Trials can soften a hard heart, or put one's feet on a different path. They change our perspective, and help us see what we may have otherwise missed. Trials are a tool the Lord uses to help us get where we need to be, not only as a person, but in our decisions and ideas. 

The Lord has a plan for us, and sometimes there are things that we couldn't do if we immediately got what we wanted. In my 5+ years of infertility, I've had experiences I wouldn't trade, and met people who have changed my life. And I'm sure I've changed some of their lives in a small way as well. In many cases, I wouldn't have met those people if I'd had more kids. I would have been busy with that. I wouldn't have been able to go out and have some of the experiences I did. Those people would never have been in my life, and I wouldn't have been in theirs. And clearly, I've been blessed by my associations. The friends I've met have changed and improved me.

Lastly, sometimes we are given trials so we have a chance to teach and uplift others. We can share our experiences and what we've learned, and help someone else who's struggling to reach their own understanding that much faster. 

Whatever happens, I need to cling to the knowledge that God won't send my children until the time is right so they can have their very best chance. I love my kids, even the ones I've never met, and I want them to have the very best life they can have. If that means waiting and dealing with infertility for several more years, so be it. I need to put my trust in the Lord. 

He knows what's best for me, and for my family. 

Tender Mercies

I've been thinking a lot over the past few days. Ever since those 20 children and 6 women were murdered by Adam Lanza, it's weighed heavily on my mind. 

Part of it is because I'm a human being like any other. No decent human being would feel anything but grief over the massacre of children. But it's stronger than that for me, because these kids were my daughter's age. Of the twenty, sixteen were six years old, just like Evie. The other four were seven, probably just barely. 

And looking at the few faces that have been displayed so far, these kids even look like my own daughter. They have the same chubby cheeks, the same clear eyes, the same bright, hopeful smiles. 

And one of the victims, Emilie Parker, was described by her father as a caring child who was always aware of the needs of others. She loved to make cards for people to encourage them or cheer them up. She loved dancing, and she loved her Heavenly Father. She was even a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, just like our family. 

Everything in that description fits Evie. These two girls are so similar. 

So this whole event has become kind of personal for me. I have a daughter who is very like the Parker's daughter, and I come from the same belief system. So I can put myself in their shoes pretty clearly, and imagine all too well the anguish they must be feeling. 

But I've cried myself pretty dry over the past three days. Instead of focusing on the pain of that day, I want to focus on the tender mercies that have been shown. 

Many of the targeted students were saved by the quick-thinking and heroic action of their teachers. As awful as this shooting was, it easily could have been so much worse. So many lives were saved that day. 

The families who lost their loved ones will not have to suffer together. It's a double-edged sword, because of course it would have been better if not so many had died. But now that they have, the families can take comfort in knowing that they're not alone. They can lean on each other, and help each other cope. 

Going along in that thread, while I'm incredibly sad about the loss of Emilie Parker (and all the kids, but as I said, she was described as very similar to my own little one), I'm grateful that there are parents involved who have the fullness of the Gospel. They know about God's plan, and the fact that families can be sealed to each other for eternity. These families don't have to be shattered by this, they can be sealed together, and those parents can have these children back as a literal part of their families in the next life. This doesn't have to be goodbye! It can be "see you later." I can't think of any greater comfort for a parent in this situation. And because one set of parents are members of the LDS church, they'll be able to share the good news and hopefully bring peace, comfort, and hope to the other parents. 

This isn't to say that other faiths won't be able to contribute to the comfort. I believe that every church that sincerely tries to follow Christ brings a great amount of good to its members and to the world as a whole. There is comfort in God no matter what church you attend. But the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's own church restored to the earth, with Him at its head. It's the same church organization that He put together during His time on earth. And the gospel is so much fuller as a result. We have so many more truths, truths that don't detract from what others believe, but add to the knowledge that others already have, and bring a greater fullness and depth of understanding to what they already know. What others have is good - it's great! It's wonderful - but there is so much more. And as members of the LDS church, the Parkers will be able to share that incredible truth and help other families.

In a similar vein, the Parkers have put an extremely graceful face on members of the church worldwide. They were the first to be composed enough to talk to the media, and when they did, they expressed forgiveness and compassion for Adam Lanza. I'm not sure I would have had the faith and the strength to be able to forgive so quickly if my child was taken away from me. But this faithful family is so strong, and their faith is so deep, that they were able to forgive the madman who killed these innocent children almost immediately. People may have all sorts of crazy opinions about the Church, but I don't see how anyone can look at this kind of faith and have anything less than respect. If it changes even one person's negative opinion of the Church to something more positive, that's a victory. 

God uses tragedies to bring about great blessings. Every horrible situation is an opportunity in disguise. Often, these opportunities are personal and private. Others may not even be aware of their happening. But in extreme and public cases like this, God uses these opportunities to bring about great works of good. That any good can come of a tragedy like this is an incredible blessing. 

Additionally, this incident has opened up talk about what we can do as a people to prevent this sort of thing from happening again. Let's be honest: if someone really wants to shoot up a school, they'll find a way to do it. We can't truly prevent this kind of thing. But there are things we can do to help people who need help. We need better mental health services. We need a place where people can go, and be nurtured, and get the help that they need. Where they can get counseling. Where they can get medication, if necessary. Where they can get empathy for the issues they're struggling with.

At this point, there's nothing that can really be done to help people with severe mental illness. If they haven't committed a crime, the government doesn't care. If they have, they're put in prison. 

If we had better mental health services, they can get the help they need before any crimes and tragedies are committed. 

Adam Lanza had no criminal record. This was his first offense. And what did he do? He massacred 26 people, 20 of them babies. If he had been able to get help, this might never have happened. 

If a better system comes about, one that helps genuinely sick people, that will be a blessing indeed. 

But again, if someone really wants to shoot up a school, they will find a way. 

What really needs to happen to prevent these kinds of tragedies is that parents need to step up. Every single world problem would be solved if every child was raised in a home with two loving parents, who teach their children to be respectful, hard-working, empathetic, decent members of society. 

The way you're raised shapes your entire life. It forms you as a person. Who you are, your very self, is often determined by your upbringing. If everyone had loving parents who raised them right, crime would go down. Charity would go up. People would be more selfless, more generous, more helpful, more empathetic. 

Granted, this is a dream. The world is already too full of indifferent parents, selfish parents, cruel parents, and absent parents. There are already too many children being raised to be selfish, egotistical, greedy, and indifferent to others. And the cycle just repeats when they have children of their own. 

But if this tragedy encourages parents to love their kids a little more, and raise them a little better, the world will be a better place when this future generation grows up. 

Take time to hug your kids. Spend time with them. Listen to them, and talk to them. Be honest with them. Love them, and when they mess up, teach them to be better. Raise your kids to be better people than you are. Raise them to be the kind of people you want to be. The Lord will use your efforts and bless you along the way. If you want success as a parent, He'll help you find it. 

This tragedy was horrifying. It's still horrifying. It will take a long time for the nation to recover, and even longer for the loved ones of the victims to find peace. But if we allow Him, the Lord will help. He'll provide comfort and peace. And He'll find a way to bring about amazing works and incredible blessings as a result of this horrible incident. 

So no matter how awful the tragedy, tender mercies will always be found. Because that's what He does. And He does it out of love.

Look Out, Pinterest!

Today, I invented a dessert pizza recipe.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm sure there are plenty of other people who have come up with stuff like this, but I've never been able to find a recipe for this kind of thing. So while I'm probably not the first to mastermind such a creation, I am going to claim credit for it. I didn't get help from anyone else, I created this all on my own. Well, I had a little help from Nestle Toll House, Mama Mary's, and Hershey.

So here it is! Cassie's Chocolate Chip Dessert Pizza!

Ingredients:

One ready-made pizza crust (I used Mama Mary's, but I'm sure any brand will do. Or you can even make your own crust if you have the time and inclination!)
Six regular-sized, ready-to-bake chocolate chip cookies
Two dark chocolate Hershey bars (regular size)
Powdered sugar
Caramel



Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. Cut up the cookie dough into small pieces and scatter it over the surface of the pizza crust.

Put the pizza on a sheet of tin foil (or you can use a pizza pan or put it directly on the rack). Lower the temperature to 425, and put the pizza in the oven. Bake for five minutes. While that's baking, break/chop the Hershey bars into small pieces.

When the five minutes are up, pull the pizza out and use a knife to spread the cookie dough so it covers as much of the crust as possible. Sprinkle the chopped up chocolate bars liberally over the pizza. Put it back in the oven, and bake another three minutes. When it's done, remove the pizza and spread the melted chocolate around. Sprinkle powdered sugar over the pizza, and top it off with a generous drizzle of caramel sauce.

Soooo delicious.

So that's it! Easy, right? I hope you enjoy it!

Elementary School Shooting

I just turned on the TV and saw a news report that someone had shot up an elementary school in Connecticut. 

I'm so sick about it. I'm sitting here, picturing the children I see at Evie's elementary school every day. All those little, innocent faces. And I can't help but cry. Even though it wasn't my daughter's elementary school, it WAS someone's child's elementary school. And the report says that at least 20 people, at least 10 of them children, were killed. Some reports say the count is as high as 27 people. That's the biggest death toll for a school shooting here in America, ever.

Why target children? What is the point of that??? Even obnoxious kids have more goodness and innocence in them than most adults. And of all people, they're the least able to defend themselves. Hurting children HAS to be a golden ticket straight to hell. 

I don't know who the shooter was, or what his motivation might have been. I don't care. No reason justifies doing something like this. 

Every day I send my daughter to school. I rarely think about the inherent danger of having her away from me. The vast majority of people go through the school system without having any kind of tragic incident like this. It's rare. But it does happen. 

Is it enough for me to pull Evie out of school and home-school her? No. She loves school, she has friends there, and she's thriving. Am I worried when she's away from me? Yes. But I trust in God that He'll keep her safe. And if He doesn't, if something does happen, I know God will help me get through it. But I'm pretty confident it won't be something I have to experience personally. 

Today, though, there are families out there who have suffered this tragedy. There are families who sent their kids to school this morning, and won't see them again in this life. Those families must be living in a nightmare right now. My heart and prayers go out to them. I can only imagine what pain they must be feeling. 

And I pray that the little ones involved are able to get the counseling and the help that they need, so they can move on from this terrifying experience. 

And I pray that their Christmases will still be as joyful and peaceful as possible. What a particularly terrible time of year for such a horrifying thing to happen. Hopefully God can bring the children the comfort they and their families so desperately need. 

Day Twenty-Two

Today is Thanksgiving. That means that today I'm going to talk about the very most important thing in my life. Even more important than my daughter, or my husband. This is the one thing, the one person, who defines my life. Everything I do, everything I believe, everything I am is colored by this one person. Ben and Evie are at the center of my heart, but the absolute center is occupied by my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

It's tough, sometimes, explaining to Evie why I love Jesus more than her and Daddy. She doesn't like thinking that she's only number three in my life, even though I explain to her that I know hundreds of people and number three is very good! And some people might think I'm wrong to put the Savior before my own husband. But the fact of the matter is, my husband does the same thing. Christ is number one for him as well, and that's part of why I love Ben so much. If he didn't have the relationship with the Lord that he does, he wouldn't be the man I love. His life, just like mine, is defined by his relationship with God.

The easiest way to look at it is like this: If my husband wanted me to do something that goes against what God wants me to do, what would I choose? And the answer is that I would side with God, even if it means going against Ben. That's how I know that Jesus is the most important person in my life.

Fortunately for me, of course, Ben would always side with the Savior as well. So it's not a decision I'll ever have to make.

And as much as Ben adores me, loves me, and would do anything for me, the Savior loves me even more. And He already did everything for me. He suffered incomprehensible pain, pain that He never needed to feel of his own volition because he was free of sin. It was my pain, pain that I earned through my own bad choices. Pain that would have destroyed me. He took that pain upon Himself, and suffered it for me, so that I wouldn't have to. And He didn't just do it for me, He did it for every single person who ever has or ever will live on this earth. Can you imagine what incredibly awful suffering that must have been? I can't. I can't begin to understand what He felt in those moments. But I know that it's greater suffering than any mere mortal could possibly endure. And Jesus did it because of His love for me, for you, for all of us. He didn't deserve that pain. He was perfect! He never needed to know what it felt like. But the only way that we could be saved and return to heaven was for Him to make that sacrifice for us. We're not strong enough to do it ourselves. So He did it for us. He did it for love.

There's a musical allegory that I listen to on Sundays called "The Garden." And in that show, there's one song where Christ is suffering in the garden of Gethsemane. That's when He took all of the pain from the sins of the world upon Himself - we call it the Atonement. And there's a gardener (representing the prophets) looking on, wishing he could help somehow. He sings this line, which touches my heart every time I hear it: "Could we be truly worth such grief and pain?"

We're not. That's the thing. We're so unworthy of God's love. But He gives it to us anyway! As awful and sinful and unworthy as we are, God loves us beyond comprehension. We are His children, and He loves us with the perfect love of a perfect parent, a billion times over. And that's why Jesus suffered for us. He paid the price for our sins so that we could repent and have it be as though our sins never happened. Why? So that eventually we could return to our Father in heaven, and be with Him again.

Aside from that personal sacrifice of the Savior's, He has blessed me in countless ways throughout my life. I have a husband and daughter that I know I don't deserve. I have parents and siblings who show me such love and support that I know I can turn to them any time, no matter what. I live in the greatest country in the world, where I enjoy freedoms that people in other places can only dream about. I'm a member of Christ's church here on the earth, one with a living prophet (just like in Biblical times) and the Savior at its very head. I have the priesthood in my home. I'm sealed to my family in heaven as well as on earth, so I know I can be with the people I love most for all eternity. Basically, every good thing in my life is a gift from God. As undeserving as I am, He has blessed me enormously.

All I can do in return is try to live my life the way God wants me to. I'm not perfect, and I have a long way to go, but I'll keep working on that throughout my life. I want to become the woman God wants me to be. I want to be kinder, more charitable, more selfless, more honest, more like the Savior. And He has given me everything. The very least I can do is obey Him in everything that He asks me to do.

Some people think my religion is weird. They don't understand why we don't drink coffee, or play sports on Sundays. They think our chaste relationships before marriage are outdated and unrealistic. They don't understand why so many of our young men and women are willing to give up two years of their lives to serve missions. The list goes on and on.

The fact of the matter is, we owe God everything. And whatever He asks us to do, no matter how strange it may seem, we're going to do it. We can't see the big picture. Our perspective is so limited. So we have faith that what God asks us to do is right, and we put our trust in Him. He has a reason for everything he asks of us. Just because we don't know what it is, doesn't mean there isn't a reason. Back when we received the revelation in the 1800s that we shouldn't drink alcohol or use tobacco products, there was no information on how those things negatively affect the human body. No one understood why God was asking it of us. But they had faith that God knew what He was doing, and they abstained from alcohol and tobacco. Now, more than a hundred years later, we know about lung cancer and alcoholism and the damage that tobacco and alcohol do to the human body.

God knew those things all along.

So whatever He asks of me, I'm going to obey. I don't always understand, but often when I decide to have faith and obey, I receive some understanding. And when I don't, I just continue forward in the faith that God has a plan. He knows what He's doing. And when I obey, I can see the blessings pour down on me. I have so much joy in my life, and I know that joy comes from obedience to the Lord. So, people can look at me and think I'm weird. They can insult my religion, call me names, or roll their eyes. I have seen God's hand in my life. I have seen the results of faith. I have developed a personal relationship with my Savior, and I recognize the sacrifices He has made for me. I cannot, and I will not turn my back on Him. That would make me ungrateful indeed.

I love my Savior, and my Heavenly Father. They're one in purpose, so when I talk about my Savior being the center of my heart I'm also talking about my Heavenly Father. They work in perfect unity to bless us, help us, and uplift us. I have a testimony of their reality. I'm grateful that they have given us a living prophet on the earth, who receives revelation and teaches us what God wants us to do. I'm grateful for personal revelation as well, and for the scriptures and for prayer, which often bring that personal revelation about. I'm grateful that I can talk to my Heavenly Father on a daily basis, and receive answers in return. And more than anything, I'm grateful for the Atonement that Christ suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, which makes it possible for me to return to my Heavenly Father if only I'm willing to repent and forsake my sins, and which allows me to be with my family forever.

If you have any questions about the LDS faith, you can go here and anonymously browse and receive answers to common questions. There's a lot of misinformation out there in the world, but everything on this website comes from faithful members of the church, and is factual as to what we really believe. If you want the real info on Mormonism, I encourage you to check out this website. And if you'd like to start with my page, you can click here.

Have a wonderful thanksgiving, and remember that all of your blessings come from the Lord!

Day Twenty-One

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which means today and tomorrow I get to talk about the top two things I'm the most grateful for. So today is all about Ben.

Ben is more than the love of my life. He's the love of my forever. I don't understand people who like the idea that their marriage will end with death. Some people think eternity is too much of a commitment or something. But if you really love someone, wouldn't you want to be with them forever? I know I do.

I admit, when I first met Ben, I never considered that there was any romantic potential there. He was cute, but he was a year younger than me. And when we met, I was only 19 myself, and he was fresh out of high school, so that year seemed like a very big age difference.

Then there was the fact that I was dating his brother. It wasn't serious, and it was extremely on-again-off-again with a whole lot more off than on. Ultimately, his brother and I were mostly just friends. But there was a romantic link there. So it would have been totally weird to date Ben.

And Ben was a geek. A cute geek, for sure, but still very geeky. I'm talking knee socks, cargo shorts and Hawaiian-print shirts geeky. I could see how handsome he was under the terrible wardrobe, but the clothes did make it hard to take him seriously.

Lastly, though, Ben had a girlfriend that he was dead set on marrying. They'd been together for a big chunk of high school, and she had been a friend, a sweetheart, and in many ways she was his spiritual support. She helped him through the typical teenage struggles with right and wrong, and helped him stay on a good path. She was his angel.

So no, when we first met, I never dreamed that we would end up together. But things have a funny way of working out completely differently than you may have planned.

Ben, like most faithful young Latter-Day Saint men, served a mission from the ages of 19-21. He did his missionary work in the Philippines. While on his mission, he was fully dedicated to the Lord. He didn't watch TV, he didn't go to the movies, he almost always wore a suit and tie, and he definitely didn't date. Those two years were all about the gospel.

When he came home, Ben had changed. He was more serious, more spiritual, and was more than ready to get married. He met up with his high school sweetheart, but as they were visiting, he realized that something was missing. He didn't feel the same connection with her that he once had. And he decided that he needed to look elsewhere for a wife.


Imagine my surprise when Ben got on AOL instant messenger one day and started chatting with me. I remembered him, of course. We'd hung out a few times during his freshman year of college. But I still thought of him as "Jonny's little brother." But he was persistent, and asked me out. I hadn't seen him in a couple of years, but I've never been one to turn down a date. I had the philosophy that any guy brave enough to ask a girl out should be given a chance.

When I saw Ben for the first time after his mission, I was blown away. He was very tan from being in a tropical country for two years. His hair had been bleached to a light blonde from his time in the sun. And he was dressed surprisingly well, in a fitted black v-neck and jean shorts.

Wow.

I was so glad I agreed to a date.

It was still weird at first, dating my ex's little brother. But Ben was charming and sweet. And though he seemed a little quiet and shy, he pulled some very daring moves on me pretty quickly. The first time he held my hand, and the first time we kissed I was caught off-guard. He was just going for it, without waiting for any kind of signal. It was brave, and I found myself admiring him for it.

And the bravery didn't stop. After about ten days of dating, he dropped this bomb on me: "We're either going to get married or break up. So let's figure out which one it is."

I had no idea that he had already decided that we were going to get married. This was his way of giving me the chance to learn that information for myself. So we started fasting and praying about it the next morning.

We spent that next day talking. We talked about how we grew up, our families, our favorite things about childhood, the places we lived over the years, and everything in between. When the conversation rolled around to family traditions, we started talking about which traditions from each of our families we would want to incorporate into our own little family. I found myself picturing doing those traditions with our children - mine and Ben's - and that's when I knew.

I knew that I was going to marry him. It was God's way of giving me my answer.

We were engaged for eight months, which is a really long engagement for Mormons, who practice abstinence. But it gave us a chance to get to know each other better. And we got to take a marriage prep class, which taught us all sorts of valuable lessons about having a successful marriage. Those eight months sucked, but they definitely had value for us.

And while there were occasions during our engagement when I wondered if I was making the right choice, part of me never doubted. I knew that Ben and I were meant to spend eternity together.

Ever since then, we've grown as a couple. "We" is far more common in our language than "I." We're a team, a unit, a partnership. And our love just gets stronger with every passing day.

Ben is gentle, generous, kind, thoughtful, sweet, and incredibly handsome. He never says anything remotely hurtful to me, even when I'm being a brat and probably deserve it. He always treats me like a queen, and looks at me like I'm a goddess. I never feel less than absolutely beautiful in his eyes.

He's always willing to help me out with whatever I ask, even when he's in the middle of something far more interesting. He's an amazing father, too. He treats Evie like a princess, but he's not afraid to lay down the law with her when necessary. He makes it clear to her that he and I are a team, and that he supports whatever decision I might make as a parent.

Ben isn't loud, rambunctious, or constantly hilarious. Most of the guys I was attracted to in my youth were more that type. They were always making me laugh, shocking me with the wild things they did, competing with me for the spotlight. They were fun. I always thought that was what I wanted in a husband.

But Ben is so much better. He's funny, but he's not a clown. He's more introspective. He's not a big talker, but when he does talk, you can bet he's thought through exactly what he wants to say. He doesn't crave attention, but if you give it to him, you're never disappointed. He's handsome, talented, smart, kind, spiritual, and incredibly sexy. Maybe that's a little too PG for this blog, but it's true.

He's more amazing than I'll ever be. He strengthens me where I'm weak, and helps me be a better person. I've learned more about patience and kindness from Ben than I learned in the rest of my life put together. He makes me want to always tell the truth, to apologize quickly when I'm in the wrong, to put others - especially him and Evie - before myself. Cliche as it may sound, he truly does complete me. And he doesn't just complete me, he improves me.

Ben truly is my perfect man. He's not what I expected, but he's so much better. He's exactly what I need.

I love you, Ben. Forever.