Day Nine

Today I'm incredibly grateful for my marriage.

I had a dream last night where I was single and dating. I found a guy I really liked, and was thinking about what it would be like to be married to him. Then my brain went, "Wait... MARRIED! I'm married to Ben!" But since I was still dreaming, my dream self had to decide if I wanted to stay married to Ben or go marry this other guy.

The thought of leaving the dream guy behind gave me a pang of disappointment, but when I thought of life without Ben, my emotions exploded. It was too horrible to imagine. Even in my dream, where my marriage to Ben was barely a memory, my conscious mind knew what my subconscious was forgetting - that Ben is my heart, my soul, my everything. Cliche, but fact.

People have commented that Ben and I have a great marriage. They're looking in from the outside, so I'm not sure what exactly it is about us that stands out. I look around and see what seem to be happy couples in most relationships. I know that a lot of marriages struggle, but that's not usually visible from the outside. Not until it gets to the breaking point, anyway. So, I don't know what it is about Ben and me that causes people to comment on us.

But they're not wrong.

My marriage is awesome. And I realize how fortunate I am to be able to say that. A lot of people, after almost 8 years of marriage, feel like they're bogged down with their spouse. They might feel their eyes wandering a little, their interest slipping. For some people, the passage of time makes marriage seem monotonous.

Granted, we've only been together for 8 years (married for 7.5), so we still have a long way to go down the road. But Ben doesn't bore me or disinterest me in the slightest. I feel more in love with him than I ever have. It grows stronger every day. And I know he feels the same way about me, because he expresses it in everything that he does.

So I know I'm lucky. My marriage truly is an incredible one. I don't know how people can see that just from watching us, but I guess it's apparent somehow.

Part of the reason our marriage is so good is in part, I think, because we took a marriage prep class during our engagement.

Nerdy, right? But it was incredibly informative, and we still apply things we learned back then. We've also learned a lot on our own over the 8 years we've been together.

I'm sure most of the people reading this have fantastic marriages of their own and already know all these things, but just in case, here's a list of things that I've learned that have made my marriage awesome:

Number one - and this is the most important! - is that nothing kills a marriage as quickly as selfishness does. And, in fact, when you look at any divorce, you'll find that the underlying cause has something to do with someone's selfishness.

When you're married, you should give up your sense of "me" and become a "we." And not only that, but the greater part of that "we" should be your spouse. You should always put your spouse before yourself. And this is not one-sided! Your spouse needs to be doing the exact same thing for you. If both of you are constantly putting the other person before yourself, you'll have a successful marriage.

How do you make it easier to forget yourself and put your spouse first? That leads to number two! Love each other. Duh, right? But it isn't always easy! You have to fight for it!

No matter how much your husband's bad habits may bug you; no matter how much weight your wife puts on during pregnancy; no matter how bad your spouse's breath smells in the morning; let it go! Look past the negative, focus on the positive, and love your spouse!

Every marriage will go through bumps. Nobody is perfect and beautiful all the time. Everybody has imperfections. But if you make an effort to love your spouse (and put them first!), and ignore all their shortcomings, that love will get you through the bumps. It's not easy, but when you look into your loved one's eyes and see that love reflected back on you, it makes it worth it.

Number three - communication! This is one of the things we learned a lot about in our marriage prep class. We learned how to have a disagreement in a constructive way that gets things done. The key is to take turns, not talk over each other, and genuinely listen. If you're really listening, you'll be able to understand where your spouse is coming from, and vice versa. You develop empathy for each other, and it brings you closer together as a couple.

I have to say, Ben is a lot better at it than I am. He naturally has the patience to sit and listen to me yell and complain. That makes it easier for me to give him the same courtesy when I'm done squalling and really listen to him. It takes a lot of patience sometimes, and it can be hard to listen without immediately coming back with responses, but it's incredibly effective. So much so, that Ben and I have never had a serious fight. And we rarely even have small fights. I know that's because of Ben's great communication skills and thoughtfulness more than because of anything I do, but I'm trying to be better at it, too.

Another part of communication is about how you tell your spouse that you love them. A lot of people love each other, but when they try to express that love, the other person might not understand it. People have different love languages.

One person might show love by performing acts of service. A husband might do the dishes for his wife, or wash the car. That might be how he says "I love you." But if her love language is different - let's say, "words of affirmation" - she might think that her husband doesn't love her because he never compliments her. Even though he's trying to show his love!

If you're married and you haven't taken the Love Language Test, I highly recommend that you and your spouse both take it. It will help you learn how to best express your love for your spouse in the way that they'll best understand.

Number four - stay away from people you find attractive! I've heard so many sad stories about broken marriages that started with a seemingly innocent friendship between a married person and their "good friend" of the opposite sex. It is incredibly hard to be just friends with a person that you find attractive. And sometimes attraction can grow, too, just from a normal, platonic friendship. So a good rule of thumb is just to not have any friends of the opposite sex that your spouse isn't friends with, too. And ideally, your spouse should be better friends with them than you are.

Naturally, this ties in with "selfishness," because anyone who is putting their spouse first would never dream of cheating. But Satan finds those moments of weakness in us and he's a master at exploiting them. The best way to stay safe and keep your marriage whole is just to stay away!

I know a lot of people will think that this is very old-fashioned thinking. They might even be afraid to let go of friends for fear of hurting them. Let me state first of all, that Facebook friends are generally okay. If you don't live near each other, talk infrequently, and rarely/never visit, you're probably okay. But if your friend is someone who's around a lot, you might need to say goodbye. That sucks, I know, but you should ask yourself: Who is more important to you? Your friend, or your spouse? If your spouse isn't friends with them, let them go.

Number five - put aside your pride! If your spouse needs something from you, give it to them! Even if you don't feel like it! If they ask you for help, help them! If you're holding onto a grudge, let it go!

And most importantly, don't be afraid to get help if your marriage needs it. Going to counseling isn't an admission that your marriage is weak, it's a declaration that you are willing to fight for it. Put aside your pride and go to counseling if that's what your marriage needs. Don't let those bumps in the road derail your entire relationship. Your marriage is worth fighting for.

Number six - This one is for all of my religious friends out there. You should make your relationship a partnership between you, your spouse, and God. Pray together about important decisions. Go to church together. Read the scriptures together. All of those things will bring you a stronger intimacy with your spouse. And by bringing God into the equation, you're giving yourself some extra protection in your marriage.

Families come from God, and marriage is - at least, in my opinion - a religious institution. God loves marriage, and wants His children to get married. Families are central to His plan. If you and your spouse are keeping God in the loop on every decision, and praying constantly to Him for help in your marriage, you'll be blessed with that extra help. If you're doing all that you can to keep your marriage thriving, God will step in and do the rest.

My marriage brings me more joy than anything else in this life ever has. Part of that joy comes from knowing that God has made is possible for me to be married to my husband for eternity. This mortal life just isn't long enough. Ben is mine forever, and I'm so grateful for that. I'm also grateful that I have a husband who loves and worships the Lord just as I do. Our marriage is stronger because of it.

I love Ben. He's literally the very best thing that has ever happened to me. Every day I'm amazed that God blessed me with this incredible man. I feel so unworthy of him. But when I look in his eyes, I can see that he feels exactly the same way about me.

Our marriage isn't perfect, but it is wonderful. It's the best thing in my life. Ben isn't just my husband, he is a huge part of my very self. There is no "me" anymore. For the rest of eternity, there is only "we."

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Day Eight

Today I'm thankful for a tidy house! It doesn't happen that often. And frankly, it's rarely spotless. And I definitely don't vacuum or scrub the toilets as often as I should. But just being able to look around and see that things are put in their correct place makes me feel good inside.

To be fair, it doesn't usually last that long. Evie and Ben both tend to leave socks lying all over the house, along with backpacks, jackets, shoes, and anything else they happen to have on hand. Dishes stack up in the sink so quickly it's like they appear on a magical timer, with a new dish every three minutes. I'm not blameless, either, because while slightly tidier than my darlings, I also get into bad habits - like putting things down on whatever flat surface is closest to me.

But on the rare occasions when things are tidy, I feel happy. I feel like I'm actually the awesome mom/wife/homemaker I pretend to be the rest of the time. It's just a little thing, and really not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things when it comes to parenthood, but it's something. And I like it! I should really clean my house more often...

Day Seven

Today I'm thankful that my sweet husband and I have an activity we can do when we want to spend a little quality time together.

No, not that, although that's obviously another one.

The one I'm referring to started about six, maybe seven months ago. Ben and I hadn't been spending much time doing things together, and I was feeling a little distant from him. He's casually addicted to the game World of Warcraft, and even now spends most of his free time playing it. He also reads, follows the news online, and watches movies. It's not like he spends ALL of his time on WoW. And he always quits if I need him to do something, or if we want to do something as a family. But it is quite a bit of time that he's on there.

So six or seven months ago, I confronted him about it. I told him that I wanted us to spend more time together. He listened very thoughtfully, as he always does. Then, he made the suggestion that I might try some of the things that he's interested in. That way, we can do some of those things he enjoys together.

I have to admit, I was very dubious about trying WoW. It definitely seemed like a geek thing, like Dungeons and Dragons. I've always known my husband was a geek, but I don't mind because he's also extremely cute. But online gaming, marching band, the nerdy stuff my husband likes isn't my typical cup of tea.

But he had a good point. I needed to be willing to try things that he liked, and not just make him do the things I wanted to do. So, we created characters on World of Warcraft and started playing together.

For those of you unfamiliar with the game, it's basically like being part of a fantasy novel. You go on quests, learn magic, and gain experience that makes you stronger and better. You kill a lot of monsters, and sometimes win big items that help your character get even tougher. You can also get pets that follow you around, everything from cats to dragons to Christmas elves. There are different roles you can choose. You can be a Tank, who draws all the monsters' focus on himself so others can attack without being hurt themselves; you can be a Damage, who (just like it sounds) wreak havoc on the monsters while they're focused on the Tank; or you can be a Healer, regenerating everyone's health and trying to keep people alive.

For our first characters, Ben chose a Tank specialization and had me play as a Healer. I have to say, Healers have a hard time when playing in a group. You can be killing yourself trying to keep everyone alive, but if they die, all of the blame is placed on you. If you keep them alive, however, most of the time they don't even notice. Healers get very little credit for what they do. And frankly, there were times I would have been happy just to let the others get killed because they were a bunch of jerks.

So when we got stronger, Ben and I started doing some of the group quests on our own. He would go in and battle the monsters (keeping their attention off of me, because as a Healer I have very little armor and almost no way to defend myself), and I would keep him alive.

It was fun, but more than that, it was romantic!

We both read fantasy novels, and doing this together, it was like we were living one. He would defend me with his sword - he would even get genuinely angry when something came after me - and I would heal his wounds and help him survive.

It also gave us a way to spend time together when he was in Little Rock for five and a half months. We couldn't actually touch each other, but we could quest together, talk together, and feel almost like we were together.

It's still geeky, I know. But it's become something that makes me feel closer to my husband, especially when he's out of town. I genuinely enjoy playing, and watching my knight in goblin-made armor defend and protect me. And I'm grateful for it.

I guess I'm officially a geek now, too.

Day Six

Today I'm thankful for cool weather. We don't get nearly enough of it here in Texas! Autumn is my favorite time of year, because I get to wear jackets, sweaters, boots, hats, etc. The leaves are changing color, the air is crisp and cool, and my favorite holidays all tie into fall. Even the bulk of the Christmas season is technically in the fall! But the best part is definitely the cooler weather.

Texas summers are brutal, so I suppose even temperatures in the 80s count as "cooler weather" here, but it's still not cold enough for me. My favorite temperatures are in the 50s and 60s: cold enough that you need a jacket, but not so cold that you can't go for a walk. I loathe being hot, so colder temperatures are glorious! I can't get enough of them!

I wish it was a little cooler here, but it's getting there (very gradually). And we won't live here forever. Hopefully the next place we go has a shorter summer (aka, less than 6 months) and more of a chill in the air year-round. That would make me grateful indeed!

Time to be Thankful

The last few days have had me in a major funk, so I haven't been writing my usual "countdown to Thanksgiving" posts. Last night, though, I had the opportunity to help a friend a little bit, and that allowed me to forget myself and worry about someone else, which in turn caused me to forget the funk. So, as weird as it may sound, I'm thankful that my friend allowed me to help. It's easy to forget sometimes that the best way to feel better is to serve others.

So, now that I'm de-funk-ified, I need to play catch-up on my countdown list. We're on day five, so I'll go ahead and cover five things that I'm thankful for today!

Number one: I'm thankful for strong, broad shoulders to cry on; and long, warm arms that wrap around me and hold me tight. I think you can guess to whom these stunning features are attributed. I'm always grateful for Ben, because he's the very best thing in my life, but for day number one, I'm specifically grateful for his arms and shoulders. They're the best.

Number two: I'm grateful for my forever family. It can feel a bit like a double-edged sword at times, especially as I struggle with infertility. If my children are never born, they can't really be my children. Even parents who lose their children right after they're born can have comfort in knowing that they can be sealed as a family to those children forever. They're part of their family, and nothing will ever change that. But if I can never even conceive another child, there's no way those children I long for will ever belong to me. So it can break my heart a little bit at times when I'm in a particularly dark mood.


BUT, I know in my heart that Evie will not be my only child. I have felt reassurance from the Lord that those children whose absence I feel so sharply right now will someday be mine in reality. And once I have them, even if it's only for a brief time, they will be part of my family forever. It's an incredible gift from the Lord, one that I am grateful for every single day. I can't imagine life without Ben and Evie, and because I'm sealed to them, I don't have to imagine it. They're mine forever, and I'm theirs. And the same will be true for those other children we'll be blessed with someday. Once I have them, I never have to say a permanent "goodbye."

Number three: I'm grateful for friends. I know I'll probably go into a lot more detail at a later date about specific friends, but I would be remiss if I didn't give a shout-out to the incredible people in my life. I've seen so much love, generosity, kindness, and support from my friends lately. Even in my darkest, ugliest, funkiest times, they don't turn away from me. They lift me up and give me strength. Good friends are definitely a gift from God.

Number four: I'm thankful for my talents. Sometimes they can feel like a bit of a burden, just because I get called on to use them so often to help others, but honestly, that's what talents are for! So, even when I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the ways I'm asked to use my talents to help other people, I try to keep that in mind. My talents are from God, and He gave them to me so I can use them to bless other people and bring them closer to God.

I was able to put together a production of Women at the Well for Easter this past year. It definitely sticks out in my mind as a time I was definitely able to use my talents to uplift and inspire other people. Even now, months later, I look back on that experience with joy and satisfaction. I truly believe that our production helped people feel closer to the Savior. If no one else, it helped me.


Even doing more frivolous shows like Little Shop of Horrors can be a way to bless others. It can help them forget their problems for a little while, and laugh. It can give them something to smile about. It can even inspire them to devote more time to developing their own talents! And I'm grateful to have such wonderful, fun talents that I enjoy so much. The least I can do is use them to uplift other people.

Number five: I'm grateful for Oreo truffle cookies. Seriously, those are the best things EVER. The holidays give me an excuse to make them more often, too, which I'm simultaneously grateful for and a little frustrated by, because as yummy as it is, I inevitably gain a few pounds. Still, it's worth making a few extra trips to the gym! Because those cookies are GOOD!

Now that I'm back on track with my yearly count-down of gratitude, hopefully I can stay on track. If I don't, feel free to remind me. Peer pressure works! ;) See you tomorrow!

All About Love

I can't even begin to describe my feelings over the past 24 hours.

It started yesterday when I had an appointment with a fertility specialist in Ft. Worth. I had already seen her a couple of times, and she even found and removed a fibroid from my uterus a few weeks ago. They'd run all the tests they could, and it was time to move forward with trying to get pregnant.

She told us that our best options were either IVF (which costs about $13,000) or IUI (which is about $4,000). Since we've been trying for so many years, they didn't feel it was feasible that we could get pregnant without one of these procedures.

So we decided to try IUI. We left the office with high hopes and paperwork for a medical financing company. $4,000 isn't a ton when compared to IVF or, say, a car; but it's still quite a bit more than we have lying around.

As soon as we got home, I filled out the application for medical financing. We have fairly good credit, we always pay our bills on time, and usually more than the minimum. We've been trying to get out of the debt we accumulated in college, so we've been pretty good about making our payments. I didn't see any reason why we shouldn't qualify for a mere $4,000 medical loan.

I thought about how we could try next month, and if it worked, I would have the baby next July. I had more hope than I've had in years, and my imagination just took off. July would be perfect - school would be out, so my mom could come out and be here for the birth. Ben wouldn't be deploying again until September, so I'd have his help for those first, exhausting months. It was perfect.

But then they denied our application for financing.

Never mind that it was only for $4,000. Never mind that we have decent credit, and always pay our bills on time. They felt that, overall, we still had too much debt. So they declined financing us. If we wanted the procedure, we'd have to raise the money ourselves.

When it comes to a loan, $4,000 isn't a whole lot. But when it comes to saving it up little by little, that kind of money can take a long time to earn. It could be a year or more before we were able to save that much.

I'll admit it, I cried. I found out that we were denied, just as we were leaving the house to take Evie to dance class. She asked me why I was crying, and I tried to explain the situation in a way that she could understand. She was very quiet for a minute, then she said, "I don't need a DS. You can have the money I've been saving for my DS, and keep my allowance and the money I make from my chores."

Naturally, this made me cry even harder. What an amazing kid! I told her, no, of course. It's her money, and we would find another way to earn the $4,000 ourselves. But I was incredibly touched by her generosity. It got me thinking. If my almost-6-year-old is willing to help me out, why not see if there are other people willing to help, too?

My plan was to earn the money through making cheese balls, taking family pictures, and teaching music lessons. I hoped that people would allow me to do those things for them because of my situation, where otherwise they might choose someone else or opt out of pictures/cheese balls/music lessons altogether. I'm not above a little begging, I guess.

And almost immediately people were asking me to take pictures and all that good stuff for them. I was very touched. Then, people started offering other ways to get me money, from donating the proceeds of Tupperware, Scentsy, and Thirty One parties; to donating plasma and giving me the money; to just straight up donating money. My friend, Juleigh, even offered to encourage people to donate money by promising to shave her head when we reached our goal! Hopefully we can avoid that, though, as Juleigh has very pretty hair and I would miss it.

Within 24 hours I went from high hopes, to despair, to feeling incredibly loved. I had no idea that there were so many people who cared about me. I had no idea that so many people were so generous and selfless! I have felt so much love in the past 24 hours, it's blown my mind.

It still may take a while to raise the money, but I have hope again. There are too many people rooting for me, praying for me, and giving of themselves to help me, for me to despair again. How can I be sad when I've witnessed such an incredible outpouring of love? I am so ridiculously blessed. Thank you to everyone who has given me back my hope.

And if anyone reads this blog and wants to donate, here's the link to a page my friend, Juleigh, set up for accepting donations. I didn't know she was doing it, but once again, I'm left feeling honored, blessed, and loved. :)

A Sudden Rush of Clarity

I was thinking today about the struggle my husband and I have had for the past five years with infertility.

It's been a long, often grueling road. There have been times where I hid from pregnant friends, or cursed every time I saw a pregnancy announcement. There were times when I knew for a FACT that a particular month was IT, and I was going to finally get pregnant again! ...only to be disappointed. There were numerous occasions when I cried through my prayers, begging God to bless me with more children, and wondering if He wasn't because of some unworthiness on my part.

The talented ladies of Women at the Well

But for the most part, this journey has been a good one. Not easy, no, but I've learned and grown leaps and bounds. I've become a little kinder, a little more charitable, a little more loving. I've certainly learned to appreciate the adorable little miracle I already have. I've grown closer to my husband, and to my Savior. I'm still far, far from perfect, but I do feel like I've become a better person than I used to be. I don't think that kind of growth would have been possible without this trial, or something equally excruciating. So I try to take the whole process with a thankful heart.

Thora and Allison at our Spitfire Grill cast party

Obviously, there are still times when the pain comes back in full force. Fortunately, those times are much fewer and further between than they used to be. But it does still happen.

Today I had one of those moments, just kind of out of the blue. I suspect that the crazy hormones from the birth control I'm on may have had something to do with it, but whatever caused it, it happened. It sucked. And it passed.


After the waterworks stopped, I was thinking about my infertility and everything that I've learned during this trial. And I had an incredible moment of clarity.

At Buffalo Wild Wings with one of my favorite people, Shea

God has a plan for all of us. He knows exactly what we need, and when we need it. He sees the whole picture, while we just see a tiny fraction. His timing is perfect. I have learned to really believe that. But today, I really began to understand why I've had this trial, and why the timing of having babies has been different for me than for almost all of my friends.

If I had been able to pop out kids at the rate my friends do, what would I be doing with my time? I'd be taking care of kids 24 hours a day. I wouldn't be able to put time and energy into extra things, like theater and music, especially with a husband who is gone so much.

I never would have done Spitfire Grill, and I wouldn't be doing Little Shop of Horrors now. I wouldn't have put together the Women at the Well performance for Easter. Ben and I probably wouldn't have tried out for Abilene Idol. I wouldn't be teaching music lessons, or taking pictures for people. I wouldn't have been able to help out much at Evie's school like I did last year.

The gorgeous Doo-Wop girls of Skid Row

To put it bluntly, I wouldn't know half of the people that I know!

And isn't life all about our experiences? We become the people we do because of the friends we make, the things we do, the experiences we have.

I wouldn't be who I am today without all of those people I've met, and all of those interactions I've had.

Little Shop of Horrors, baby!

And it's not just about me. Maybe God let me have this struggle with infertility not only so I could learn things from all of the people I've met, but so that I could, in some small way, change people's lives myself.

If I've uplifted any of the people I've been privileged to meet, if I've helped them somehow, if I've improved their life in any minuscule way, I think it was worth it.

I know meeting those people and getting to know them has been a blessing for me. And if I've been a blessing for them in return, so much the better.

God's timing is perfect. He knows exactly what He's doing. And now I understand a little bit better why I've had this challenge in my life. I am incredibly blessed to know all the people that I do, and I wouldn't give any of them up. Not for anything in the world.

I know those babies will come someday, when the time is right. But for now, I'm exactly where I need to be, with the friends I'm supposed to know.

Look out! She's got a pie and she knows how to use it!

 
And I love you all.