The Lord teaches us and molds us with one thing at a time. If He tried to pour all understanding on our heads at one time, we would be overwhelmed and would probably give up immediately. Instead, in His great wisdom, He goes at our pace. Sometimes we're in a place where we're spiritually prepared to receive a great deal of understanding. At other times - most of the time - we receive understanding in bits and pieces.
That's how this past 5+ years have been for me. As we've dealt with infertility, I've felt a great deal of despair, confusion, self-loathing, and even occasional anger at God. I haven't been spiritually prepared for great understanding. So the Lord would give it to me in flashes. As I would try to humble myself, and plead for help and understanding, the Lord would give me a little knowledge.
Over the past 5+ years, I've learned that trials are not only to help us grow and become better people, they are also a chance for us to become closer to the Lord.
The Lord doesn't bless people with children based on their own personal worthiness. If He did, there would be no terrible parents. So the fact that I'm dealing with infertility does not mean its because of any lack of value on my part. God loves me.
God weeps with us when we weep. He feels our anguish, and understands our pain. He doesn't give us trials because it's fun or entertaining. He does it to shape us into the people we need to be so we can return to Him.
Having faith in the Lord means embracing His will and His timing. We can't say "I'm faithful! Give me what I want right now!" The Lord knows when the best time will be for any righteous thing we desire. Take my infertility as an example: When you think about it, we're shaped by the experiences and friends we have growing up. So the "when" of a baby's birth is vital to the way their entire life is shaped. I want the best for my children, and so does the Lord. So He will send them when the time is exactly right, so they can have their best chance for success and joy.
Sometimes the Lord lets us have trials so we can reach a certain decision that we may not have reached without those trials. We become the people we do because of the experiences we have. Trials can soften a hard heart, or put one's feet on a different path. They change our perspective, and help us see what we may have otherwise missed. Trials are a tool the Lord uses to help us get where we need to be, not only as a person, but in our decisions and ideas.
The Lord has a plan for us, and sometimes there are things that we couldn't do if we immediately got what we wanted. In my 5+ years of infertility, I've had experiences I wouldn't trade, and met people who have changed my life. And I'm sure I've changed some of their lives in a small way as well. In many cases, I wouldn't have met those people if I'd had more kids. I would have been busy with that. I wouldn't have been able to go out and have some of the experiences I did. Those people would never have been in my life, and I wouldn't have been in theirs. And clearly, I've been blessed by my associations. The friends I've met have changed and improved me.
Lastly, sometimes we are given trials so we have a chance to teach and uplift others. We can share our experiences and what we've learned, and help someone else who's struggling to reach their own understanding that much faster.
Whatever happens, I need to cling to the knowledge that God won't send my children until the time is right so they can have their very best chance. I love my kids, even the ones I've never met, and I want them to have the very best life they can have. If that means waiting and dealing with infertility for several more years, so be it. I need to put my trust in the Lord.
He knows what's best for me, and for my family.
